


there ain't no rest for the wicked

by lucashemwow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Burlesque AU, Depression, M/M, Past/Referenced Non-con, Smut, Trigger warnings in notes at beginning of each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 91,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4371518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucashemwow/pseuds/lucashemwow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thought he'd escape this when he escaped Sydney, the feeling of being too small in a city too large, but the buildings and the vast blue sky make him feel vulnerable, open and fragile. He doesn't like it, never has, probably never will. He doesn't like the feeling of being lain out like this. At least here, in this unknown city where he has no idea what will await him, no one will know his name. He can start over, the way he's dreamed of for so long.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Ashton moves to Las Vegas. All he wants is to start over, properly, and get away from the memories that Sydney holds. He never expected to find solace in a burlesque dancer.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic has completely taken over my life, and this is only the first chapter of it. I hope you guys enjoy! (I know the first chapter is a little short, but that's because it's just that, the first chapter. it's an introduction.) 
> 
> because of the nature of this fic, and the plotline, there will be some trigger warnings. some will be for mentioned/past non-con, others for possible depression themes, and some that would give away too much, but I promise nothing is really, really bad. with that said, any and all possible trigger warnings will be listed in the beginnings of each chapter. 
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** mentions of drugs, mentions of stripping, possible depression themes. 
> 
> 8tracks for this fic can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> a big special thanks to [Katy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops) for being so amazing and helping me in any way with this fic. 
> 
> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)

Ashton doesn't know what he was expecting from Las Vegas, but he sure as hell knows it wasn't this. 

He's standing just outside the airport, has been standing here for a while actually, phone in his hand as he waits for Michael to come pick him up. There's music blasting in his ears, his shirt is sticking to his skin, and he feels about two feet tall. 

He thought he'd escape this when he escaped Sydney, the feeling of being too small in a city too large, but the buildings and the vast blue sky make him feel vulnerable, open and fragile. He doesn't like it, never has, probably never will. He doesn't like the feeling of being lain out like this. At least here, in this unknown city where he has no idea what will await him, no one will know his name. He can start over, the way he's dreamed of for so long.

He sighs, adjusting the earphones on his head. There's eyes on his back, and he doesn't know who they belong to, but he knows he doesn't want to find out. It feels too familiar, too much like the place he left behind. 

"Ashton!" A muffled shout manages to seep in through Ashton's headphones, and he turns his head just in time for Michael to barrel into him, almost knocking both of them to the ground. Ashton manages to catch himself before he'd fall, therefore catching Michael as well. 

"How's it been man, I haven't seen you in ages!" Michael grins at him, ruffling his hair. Ashton sees Calum walking towards them at a much slower pace, a fond smile on his lips. 

Ashton lets his lips twitch into a small smile, the bare minimum he's given anyone for months. He hopes Michael and Calum don't notice. He's not the Ashton that they knew, nor is he the Ashton they were expecting, but he hopes he can fake it well enough to not raise questions. Michael's already worried, Ashton suspects it's because Anne called him, so Ashton doesn't want to do that to him. 

"How was your flight?" Calum asks him, picking up his bags. Ashton wants to argue, but decides against it. Besides, it's not like Calum would let him grab them anyways. 

He shrugs, following after the two of them. "Don't know, actually. I slept through the entire thing." 

Michael snorts. " _You?_ Sleeping on a plane? As if!" 

Ashton smiles awkwardly, privately thinking that the uncomfortable few hours of sleep he'd gotten on that plane are the most he's gotten in weeks. His sleep is plagued by memories of events he never wants to relive. 

Calum touches his arm gently, pulling him out of his own head. Ashton fights hard not to flinch at the contact, and he's rewarded by a small smile from his friend. "You alright?" 

Ashton shrugs. "As good as I can be after a flight." 

Calum's lips part, almost like he wants to say something, but he stops himself before he can. Ashton wants to reach out and reassure his friend, but he knows he can't. He isn't too sure he could reassure him anyways. 

Calum leads him and Michael towards the car park, Michael talking Ashton's ear off the entire time. Despite the dull exhaustion pouring through Ashton's veins and the vice that seems to have settled around his heart, there's a small, real smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It's too small to be seen, but he knows it's there. And the fact that it's there says a lot about how different Las Vegas is from Sydney. 

They reach Calum's truck moments later, and the red Jeep is so different from the car Ashton had imagine for Calum that it shocks a laugh from him. Calum rolls his eyes dryly, muttering a small "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just get in the fucking car." 

Ashton's still giggling to himself when he piles himself in, landing in the middle between Calum and Michael. Calum shoves at his shoulder, flipping him off when Ashton just laughs harder. He can't help it. The sight of Calum behind a steering wheel of a fucking _Jeep_ , especially since it's an American car and the steering wheel is on the other side, is too much for him to handle. 

Calum's grumbling to himself as he pulls out of his parking space, showing the little ticket he'd paid for to the person in the booth. Michael reaches over Ashton and slides his hand into the back of Calum's hair, thumb stroking just behind his ear. Calum relaxes immediately after that, his face smoothing out. 

"So, Ash. How are you, in all honesty?" Michael gently nudges Ashton's shoulder with his own. 

Ashton starts, dragging his eyes away from where they'd been locked on how Calum seems to press into Michael's touch, and the way that Michael seems to know where all the knots are in Calum's hair that he should stay away from. He can't help the longing he feels, because he _wants_ that. His chest aches from how much he wants that. He doesn't think he'll ever get it, though. 

"Um," Ashton hesitates, swiping his thumb over the small tattoo at the base of his thumb. "I'm alright." 

Calum shakes his head gently, glancing over at him as they stop at a red light. "You don't have to lie, you know," he murmurs, detaching one hand from the steering wheel to wrap it around Ashton's shoulders. "We already know what happened." 

Ashton tenses up, his muscles locking in place. He's proud of himself for not immediately ripping himself out of Calum's grip, but he's having trouble trying to keep his breathing steady. Neither boy call him out on it, they simply hold him closer and wait. 

"How'd you- how'd you know?" he finally asks, determinedly not meeting either of their eyes. 

Michael sighs, wrapping his arm around Ashton's waist. "Anne called a little bit before your plane landed." 

Ashton closes his eyes, nodding once. He should be mad, he knows that. He should be angry that his mother violated his wish for his friends not to know of his reason for leaving Sydney. He can't be mad though, because he realises that it was a wish in vain. His mother wouldn't leave his friends in the dark while Ashton is potentially breaking. She wouldn't just let him get away with pretending that he was fine. In a way, he's glad she told them. It takes away the stress of having to tell them himself. 

Calum squeezes him lightly, thumb stroking over his shoulder. "You don't have to talk about if you don't want to," he murmurs, brushing his cheek over Ashton's forehead. "But if you ever want to, or if you just need some comfort, we're here." 

Michael leans his temple against Ashton's bicep, not saying anything but wordlessly offering comfort. There's a lump in Ashton's throat making it hard to swallow, but his heart is warming in his chest because of his two best friends. As shitty as Sydney was, as hard as it was to leave everything behind, Ashton can't help but feel like maybe Las Vegas will offer him the life that he's always wanted. 

***

When Ashton was younger, his mother always told him to never waste an opportunity. She would crouch down in front of him, affectionately retie his shoelaces since he could never get it right, and tell him, in her sweet honey voice, "Never let a day go by where you haven't done something new, Possum. Always take a risk, because I promise you it's so much more fun to regret doing something than to regret not doing it." 

He never really understood what it meant, too young to comprehend the advice being given to him. He remembers thinking to himself as he ran out to play that his mother sure was a strange lady. The words didn't mean anything to such a young boy. 

As he got older, however, the words began to engrave into his brain. His mother still told him the words, always followed by a kiss to the forehead, and they began to permanently take hold in his mind. He finds it fitting that he has the words inked into the skin of his shoulder blade. 

Those words were what pushed him into asking a boy to go with him to a stupid school dance when he was little, and they were what comforted him when that ultimately failed. They were the only reason he attempted the drums, and even though he's never given up on the instrument, he knows that if he were to ever stop, they'd be a solace to the wounds left behind. 

They were the last words his mother said to him before he boarded his plane, her sweet honey voice choked up with the tears she was crying into his shoulder. They were the straw to break the camel's back, as Ashton had broken down and clung to her like a frightened child, and in a way he was. The words had swirled in his head and reminded him that, despite everything that had happened, he was not alone. He was never alone. 

And now, as he's standing staring up at the bright neon sign over his head, his mother's words are what coax him forward, after Michael and Calum, the tattoo of the words giving a phantom throb. 

He doesn't find his friends immediately, though that might have something to do with the pounding of the walls around him and the dingy lighting. Bass thrums through his blood, so loud that his heart begins to pick up in time with it. 

Michael waves him over to the wall him and Calum lean against, and Ashton hurries to them, keen to see some familiarity in the otherwise alien place. Michael and Calum forced him to come, interrupting his process of unpacking his things in his new room in their apartment. He wants to be resentful that he's not alone, but he can't be when Michael's smile is so bright under the glow of neon around them. 

"Where are we?" Ashton yells to be heard over the pounding music. 

Calum leans forward, his hand wrapped around Michael's waist. "The Burlesque Lounge!" he yells back. 

Ashton looks around, raising an eyebrow at the dark hallway they're still in. His expression must say enough, because Calum rolls his eyes and grabs his wrist, pulling him towards a man standing in the corner. Ashton's just noticed him. 

Calum obviously knows him, because the man just tips his head and goes back to leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. Ashton stares at him as Calum hauls him through the door, and he blames it on his distraction that he is caught so wholly overwhelmed. 

All he can see is darkness and green and pink and glitter. All he can feel is the thrum of his own blood through his veins, the pounding of the drum and the bass through the soles of his feet, the bodies pushing against him from every side. All he can hear is the shouts from each person and the sound of a saxophone. All he can smell and taste is the saltiness of all the bodies, the bitter-sweet flavour of weed somewhere within the area. 

It's beautiful. 

The crowd parts slightly, just enough so that Ashton can see the stage everyone seems to be turned to. He catches a glimpse of sequins and fabric before the crowd closes in again. Calum's hand doesn't leave his wrist, gently tugging him out of the bodies and into an area where it's calmer. Ashton looks back, and finds that all the people were milling around the bar, drinks in their hands as they laugh along to the beat of the drum. 

Ashton shakes himself, turning back around to better keep up with Calum. His friend leads both him and Michael to the corner of the room, where another man is standing. Just like the first man, he just nods at Calum and lets him up the stairs to his left. Ashton wants to know why everyone seems so familiar with Calum, and Michael as well. 

He's led to another room, where he can see ropes barring entry to a hallway where Ashton can see a soundboard and what looks like stage equipment, and more ropes keeping people back from what looks like another dark hallway. Calum speaks a few low words to the woman standing at the latter ropes, and then Calum is dragging him into the hallway, opening a door that Ashton somehow didn't see and leading him into it, Michael close behind. Ashton's jaw drops the second he steps into the room. 

He can see now that they're in a private booth, overlooking the entire first floor, with a grand view of the now empty stage. The plush leather of the seats shines with the neon lights coming through the window, the small mahogany table already stocked with drinks and snacks. Michael drops down to stretch out across the booth, sighing in content. Calum sits next to him, his hand going to rest in its place on Michael's waist, thumb stroking over the pale strip of skin showing above the hem of Michael's jeans. Ashton is left standing in the doorway, taking in how comfortable Calum and Michael seem here, how easily they fit into this environment. 

"Have a seat, Ash." Calum nods to the booth across from him, coaxing Ashton to sit down. He does, slowly, so overwhelmed already and they've only been here for a few minutes. 

Michael sits up, pressed tight against Calum's side. He smiles, teeth blindingly white, making a show of opening his arms in a grand gesture. "Welcome, Ashton Irwin," he says, his eyes gleaming, "to the Burlesque Lounge." 

It's the second time he's heard it in the short period of time they've been here, and he still doesn't get what that means. "What's a burlesque lounge?" he asks curiously, but Calum just shushes him, pointing to the stage through the glass as if it's any explanation. 

It kind of is, in a way, because the curtains on the stage pull apart at that moment, a booming voice echoing through the speakers in the booth. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, those who are so intoxicated they can't stand, I present to you Achilles Johnson."

A boy steps onstage to the cheers of the crowd, smile blindingly beautiful in a way that makes Ashton's heart beat faster, however mad he is about that. His hair is blond and swept up away from his forehead, though it curls down to his right ear. He smirks at at crowd, lifting a microphone Ashton's just taken notice of to his mouth. "Thank you, thank you. Please welcome my favourite people, the Hooligans!" 

Ashton doesn't understand what's going on at all, still trying to process everything he's seen, but all those thoughts go out the window when he takes in the people who join the boy on the stage. 

They're all boys, he can see that, dressed in tight black jeans and a white button down shirt that's left hanging open, bare-chested and bare-footed. The blond boy steps to the front, the light glinting off his teeth. Something about him keeps Ashton's attention, as much as he hates it. 

Music blares over the speakers, and though Ashton doesn't recognise the song, the people in the crowd below him obviously do, because they holler up at the boys in excitement. Ashton doesn't get it, until the boys begin to move, breaking out of their statue-like stillness. They dance, moving across the stage in ways that Ashton thinks he should cover his eyes for. 

"Is this a strip club?" he asks, not taking his eyes off of the moving boys. 

Calum snorts, shaking his head. "No. It's a burlesque club." 

Ashton doesn't bother asking what that means, because he doesn't know if he wants to know. If _this_ is what Calum is calling burlesque, he doesn't want to hear the definition of that word. 

He narrows his eyes, looking down at the stage. It's so _sexual_ , the words of the song and the movements of the boys to the beat and the way the crowd reacts. It's all so explicit and raunchy and it makes Ashton's head pound at the dirtiness of it all. 

The boy in the front, the one with the blond hair, falls to his knees, throwing his head back with one hand braced on his thigh, the other slowly traveling down his torso in a teasing way. The crowd goes fucking _wild_ , screaming loud enough that Ashton can just barely hear it through the glass of their booth. Hands stretch towards the boy, one even managing to grab hold of him before the boy pushes himself up and away. 

Ashton misses the end of the song, mostly because he closes his eyes, and when he reopens them, the stage is once again empty and the crowd has calmed down a little bit. He can't tell if he's relieved or disappointed that the boys are gone. 

They remain in the booth long enough for another group to come on, this time entirely girls with faces full of makeup and small outfits of lace adorning their bodies. Ashton uses the term 'outfit' loosely, because the garments look barely big enough to cover anything. They do a show much the same as the boys, dancing to music, and somehow, they're even _more_ sexual. 

Calum pulls them from the booth a little while later, waving goodbye to the woman who let them in as he leads them down the stairs. Ashton thinks that they're leaving, but then Michael turns to a doorway that's just next to the bottom of the stairs. There's another burly man standing there, but he just nods at Michael and resumes his intimidating pose. 

"Why does everyone here know you guys?" Ashton hisses, hurrying to catch up. 

Michael laughs, swinging an arm around his shoulder. "I work here, Ash. I'm a part-time bartender, so of course people know me. Calum here has just become friends with everyone that works here, the loveable bastard." 

Calum smacks the back of Michael's head, kissing away his pout a second later. He pushes open another door, and this time Ashton finds himself in what must be the backstage area. 

The only way he can describe the room is _glitter._ It's fucking everywhere, from the walls to the floor to the people milling around. There's multicoloured wigs on a rack near the door, more behind it that hold so much fabric and sequins and more fucking glitter that for a second Ashton believes he's stepped into an alternate universe made out of everything he hates in the world. He chokes when he sees the lacy lingerie thrown over a chair like it's nothing. 

People wave hello at Michael and Calum as they bustle by, some even stopping for a small exchanging of words before they move on. Michael weaves through the people, coming to yet another door, which he slowly pushes open, calling out his presence to whoever is on the other side. Ashton holds his breath as he inches through the door, not knowing what to expect from this strange place. 

The room on the other side is the most normal he's seen in this entire building. 

It's just an office room, with a big mahogany desk in the middle and a leather chair behind it. Another, smaller desk is pushed up against the opposite wall, both cluttered with papers and more sequins and pens. There's frames covering the walls, some of pictures and some of newspaper headlines from before Ashton was born. 

A woman sits in the chair of the big desk, typing on a computer. She doesn't glance up when they walk in, simply holds up a finger until she's finished whatever she's doing. When she does look up, her mouth spreads in a ridiculous smile, hurriedly standing up to pull Michael into a crushing hug. 

"Michael Clifford, as I live and I breathe," she says, snickering when he struggles to pull away. 

He pouts, fixing his hair from when she'd ruffled it. "You saw me two days ago on my shift, Serenity. Stop acting like I've been gone for months." 

"Even one day without you is too long, Mike." She lays a hand on his arm, blinking at him. 

Calum rolls his eyes, stepping forward to pull Michael against his side. "Alright, alright, stop flirting with my boyfriend. I don't think Nick would be very pleased about this." 

"Nick knows, he's okay with this." She waves him off, her eyes meeting Ashton's where he's taken to standing just beside the door. 

He really doesn't understand what's going on, but then again he's been in a constant state of confusion while being here, so it doesn't mean much anymore. Who is this woman? He knows Michael explained, but why are they so familiar with her? What _is_ this place? 

"Who are you?" the woman — _Serenity_ — asks, stepping forward to look at him better. Ashton swallows, looking over at Michael for help. Luckily, Michael has his back, because his younger friend steps forward, wrapping an arm around Ashton's shoulders. 

"This is Ashton," he introduced, squeezing Ashton tightly. "He's mine and Calum's best friend, just moved here. We decided we wanted to show him the lounge." 

Serenity nods in understanding. "How'd you like it?" she asks, directing her question to Ashton. 

He blinks, parts his lips. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know the answer to her question, in all honestly. The 'Burlesque Lounge' was too loud and rowdy for him at best, glitz and glamour in a way that Ashton usually tends to avoid. He didn't understand what was going on most of the time, and what he _did_ understand was so mind-jumbling that he doubts he really got it. 

"I... don't know," he eventually settles for, squirming under the intense stare of the woman in front of him. "It was all a little... overwhelming?" He stops, feels his heart crash against his chest. "Is this a strip club?" He figures this woman will give him a straight answer. 

The woman snorts out a laugh, opening her mouth to say something, but she's interrupted by a loud scoff coming from behind them. Ashton turns to see the blond boy from earlier, the one from the stage, standing in the doorway. He's just in a loose pair of grey sweats, a tight dark grey shirt pulled over his chest. Somehow he's even more beautiful than he was on stage; Ashton kicks himself for thinking that. 

He glares at Ashton, stepping into the room and letting the door swing shut behind him. "Did you really just ask if this was a strip club?" he hisses, his eyes dark and menacing. 

Ashton gulps, taking a step back, closer to Michael. Meekly, he nods, almost not wanting to answer the boy, but afraid that if he doesn't, he'll get tackled to the floor. 

Surprisingly, Calum laughs, stepping forward to run his hand over the boy's shoulder. "Relax, Luke. He doesn't know what burlesque is." 

The boy arches an eyebrow. "At all? What, you've never seen the movie Burlesque?" 

Quietly, Ashton shakes his head, moving a little out from behind Michael, but still close enough that he can shield himself if need be.

The boy sighs. "That's both good and bad. Good because that movie doesn't do shit to justify what burlesque actually is. Bad because it would've given you a little bit of an understanding." He stops, regarding Ashton curiously. "What's your name?" 

Ashton hesitates, glancing at Michael to see if it's okay. At his nod, he tells the boy, "My name is Ashton." 

The boy nods to himself. "Nice to meet you Ashton, I'm Luke." 

Ashton sees Serenity throw a surprised look at Luke, though he can't figure out why. 

Ashton frowns. "But didn't that guy say your name was Achilles?" 

Luke shrugs. "That's just my stage name. It's so that my name doesn't get out and prohibit me from getting a better job or going to school one day. The only people who know my real name are the people in this room, my other boss, and my family." 

He stops. "But, back to the earlier topic at hand. Burlesque is usually a comical or exaggerated imitation. A parody basically. People think that it's the same thing as stripping because some acts are sexual, like the one I had to do tonight. Most of them are innocent and light-hearted though." 

Ashton nods slowly, starting to relax more now that Luke doesn't seem like he's going to kill him. The other boy gives him a smile, probably trying to put him more at ease. 

It works, making Ashton loosen up even more, as much as he hates it. He doesn't want this boy to do this to him, doesn't want the quickening of his heart and the feeling of his blood crashing through his veins. It's bad enough that he already thinks Luke is devastatingly handsome. Thoughts like that only leads to a crush, and a crush will only lead to something that Ashton can't and doesn't want to deal with. Not after Damien. 

Ashton shudders, trying desperately to push that thought away. He can't think of that, not right now, not in public with his two best friends and two _strangers_. It only brings him pain, and he came here to escape that pain. 

A hand touches his shoulder, and he flinches back so violently without even knowing who it is that it silences the room. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before he lifts his head, seeing Luke staring back with a concerned frown. 

"Are you alright?" he asks, though Ashton supposes they all knew the answer to that question. 

Nevertheless, he plasters a fake smile onto his face, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine." 

He's not. He doesn't know how long it'll take until he is. 

***

Ashton sits on the window seat back in his room at the apartment, staring out over the bright lights. 

Something he's learned about Las Vegas is that the city never sleeps. Sydney was kind of the same, but here, the hustle and bustle never stops, not even into the early morning. The casinos stay open and the clubs dance well into the night, only dampened by the sunlight showing over the top of the valley. 

Maybe him and Vegas have something in common. 

He sighs, leaning his forehead against the cold glass, closing his eyes. He's exhausted, from both his plane ride earlier and his experience at the Burlesque Lounge. He wants to sleep, but his mind is buzzing way too fast for him to be able to. 

He can't stop thinking of Luke, no matter how frustrated he is with himself about that. He hates that a boy he's just met is capable of completely taking over his mind in a way that should be _illegal._

After Ashton had basically stopped the flow of conversation, Luke hadn't taken his eyes off of him, probably trying to find out what was wrong. Ashton had determinedly not shown any of what he was feeling, laughing along to what Calum and Michael were saying, probably too forced to sound real. They'd left not too long after that, with Luke gently touching his arm, whispering a small "Be safe" before Ashton had disappeared. 

Ashton sighs, forcing all thoughts of the tall blond boy from his mind, staring up at the moon. 

He hopes that Vegas turns out to be a good idea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~I made up some of the things in the Bellagio conservatory~~
> 
> if you want to try and picture how Ashton looks or what tattoos he has, refer to [this](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com/tagged/tanrftw-ash)
> 
> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> i added the malum tag as i realised that the malum is actually quite heavy in this story
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** possible depression themes, mentions of anxiety, mentions of past traumatic experience 
> 
> _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

Ashton settles into Las Vegas surprisingly quickly. 

It's been a few weeks since he arrived, and neither Calum nor Michael have mentioned the Burlesque Lounge, or the boy that works there. He's glad of this, though he finds he's strangely upset that he hasn't seen Luke since his first day here. He hopes that goes away soon enough. 

Ashton sighs to himself, leaning his head back against the headrest of his car seat, hands gripping the steering wheel. He'd recently went out and bought himself a car, not willing to be reliant on Calum's, especially now that he's got to get himself to work. It's nothing fancy, just a decently in shape 1967 Chevy Impala that made Michael snort behind his hand when he first saw it. 

_("Are you_ trying _to be in Supernatural? You aren't cool enough to be Sam_ or _Dean."_

_"Michael, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, please just go back inside and stop bothering me.")_

Ashton blows out a breath, turning the key into the ignition and pulling out of his parking space. He's still getting used to the American way of driving, crinkling his nose because it feels so _foreign_. 

He sings alone absently to whatever is playing on the radio, not paying attention to anything but the road in front of him and the steering wheel under his hands. It's blissful, honestly, focusing on nothing more than a simple task. It's a nice break from the usual overload of thoughts. 

When he pulls up outside of the small record store he's somehow managed to get a job in, he runs a hand through his hair, closing his eyes. He has a few minutes until he needs to get inside for his shift, so he takes the time to lean his forehead against the steering wheel, blowing out a breath. The silence is both welcome and the last thing he needs. 

He pushes himself out of the car a few moments later, slamming the door shut with more force that strictly necessary, but he doesn't think anything of it. As much as he loves the little record shop, he hates having to interact with people, so he's hoping he can get home without having to talk to too many customers. 

The bell rings above his head when he walks in, offering a small smile to Kara, the girl who works the cash register. She's young, probably only 16 or so, and she'd flirted with him shamelessly when he'd first started working until he'd explained he was 25 and also gay. He really doesn't think that stopped her obsession, though, considering she blushes and giggles coyly, looking at him from beneath her eyelashes. 

He resits the urge to roll his eyes, turning into the back room to clock in, adjusting the bandana keeping his long curls out of his face and scratching at his ink-stained bicep. He's really glad that Bennett, the man who owns this store and was the one to hire Ashton in the first place, was cool with the full sleeve Ashton has on his right arm and the loose sleeve he has on his left. The man had even pushed his shirt up slightly to show Ashton the tattoos across his stomach. 

He stops for a short second, alone in the back room with nothing but the low sound of the radio to keep him company. He does feel a little less lonely, a little less crazy, surrounded by music, but here, with not even Michael and Calum to keep him company, it doesn't feel right. 

He pushes out of the room seconds later, not keen on breaking down in his workplace, especially so soon after being hired. He ignores Kara's attempts to flirt with him, just walking aimlessly through the aisles of CDs and old records. The familiar album covers and the soft croon of Ed Sheeran's voice over the radio calm his frayed nerves. 

He drums out a simple beat with his hands against his thighs, singing softly under his breath when he comes across an old drum set buried in the corner of the store, obviously not for sale. It's beaten and worn down but Ashton still thinks it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen. 

He takes a quick look around. Kara's busy on her phone, there's absolutely no customers yet, and Bennett is most likely just up in his office, doing paperwork or just fucking around. Plus, no one ever said he couldn't play the instruments in the store, so before he can think any longer, he takes the drum sticks in his hand and sits himself down on the stool. 

The weight of the drum sticks in his hands are familiar, feeling almost like coming home in a way he hasn't been able to feel since he left Sydney. He couldn't bring his drum kit with him, it having been too big to move and also too loud for the apartment, and he hadn't realised how much it'd taken its toll on him until he'd grasped the drum sticks. 

He allows his mouth to quirk up into a small smile, spinning one of the drum sticks between his fingers. Kara looks up at the movement, staring at him unabashedly, but he doesn't care. He's struck with the sudden urge to show off, but he can't. Instead, he gets his foot on the pedal, experimentally hitting one of the cymbals to make sure the drum kit _works_. 

He taps out a small beat to start with, getting a feel for how this drum kit works and sounds, before he adds the more complex parts of the drum line. He's making it up as he goes, completely bullshiting his way through it, but the beat resonates through his heart so warmly that he can't be bothered to care. 

A new song comes on the radio, an old rock song that Ashton can't think of the name, but he does remember this being the first song he ever taught himself how to play. He joins in with the song, hitting the drums until his heart is pounding and his arms are aching and his heart feels lighter than it has in weeks. 

He tries to stay as quiet as he can, mindful that he isn't home alone and that there are still people in the store, but he quickly gets so lost in the music that he doesn't notice until another person has joined him in the corner. 

"You're really good," a familiar voice says, and for a moment Ashton thinks that it's Luke, but then he looks up and sees that it's just Bennett. His heart seizes, though he doesn't know if it's in relief or disappointment. 

A cherry flush stains Ashton's cheeks as he hurriedly puts the drum sticks back, standing up. "I'm sorry, I won't play them again-" 

"Ashton," the man laughs, setting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, don't worry. You can play them. I was wondering if anyone would, or if I'd have to throw this old thing out."

Ashton relaxes slightly, throwing a longing glance back at the instrument behind him. "I'll play them, I love the drums." 

Bennett smiles. "You're good at them." He stops, looks into Ashton's eyes. Ashton squirms under the intense stare. "And it looks like they're good for you too." 

Ashton frowns. "What does that mean?" 

The man smiles, though the smile is heavy and his eyes take on a wistful look. "You don't look as sad now that you've played them. You don't look as hopeless." 

Ashton's breath catches in his throat in a way that should be painful, but it's lost in the roaring in his head. He didn't think anyone would notice how not happy he is, but here is Bennett, practically a stranger, who's just pointed out that Ashton is a mess of a person who doesn't know what he's doing. 

Bennett pats his shoulder, and he turns away, looking like the conversation has aged him twenty years. Ashton watches as he slowly climbs the stairs and stops in his office, gently closing the door behind him 

Ashton spends the rest of his shift with a clouded head. 

***

The apartment is quiet when he gets home, the only sound being the gentle hum of voices from Michael and Calum's room. Ashton's footsteps echo down the hallway as he steps in, dropping his keys in the small bowl beside the door and hanging up his jacket. There's a pounding headache right behind his eyes, aftermath of a shift where everything seemed to get under his skin. 

He sighs, dropping into the couch, burying his head in his hands. He hears a door open from somewhere within the apartment, but he doesn't look up, too busy trying to keep his breathing from spiking unsteadily 

"Ash?" Calum stands in the entry of the living room, looking at him cautiously. He looks soft and worn, clad in only boxers and what must be Michael's shirt, because it hangs off Calum's thin frame in a way that makes him look tiny. Ashton's throat tightens. "Are you okay?" 

Ashton closes his eyes, looking down at his boots. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, Cal, I promise. Just a rough day." 

"Are you sure?" Calum sits next to him, curling his legs up to his chest and leaning his head on Ashton's shoulder. Automatically, Ashton's arm slides over his younger friend's shoulders, pulling him closer. 

It feels so much like their teenage years that tears swim behind Ashton's eyes, threatening to blind him until he blinks them away. This is how things used to be, back when they were both carefree and hopeful in the way that only children can be. It was a time before life caught up with that. Before university, before Michael and Calum moved out here. Before Damien. 

Ashton closes his eyes again, turning his head to nuzzle his cheek against Calum's hair, breathing out shakily. Calum doesn't mention it, just reaches out for Ashton's other hand and grips it tight. 

"A cuddle without _me_? I'm ashamed at both of you." They look up and find Michael watching them, his eyes suspiciously bright in a way that makes Ashton smile. It's nice to know that even Michael can see the sentiment in the situation. 

Michael sits himself down on Ashton's other side, curling up against him and exhaling quietly. Ashton pulls his hand out of Calum's and drapes it over Michael's back, watching fondly as Michael and Calum's hands immediately find their way to each other. 

"We haven't done this in so long," Ashton whispers, brushing his thumb over Michael's side. Michael hums his agreement, tightening his hold on Ashton's shirt and Calum's hand. 

It's silent for a moment, all three of them lost in their own thoughts. Ashton counts each breath as it passes through his lungs, hoping it'll settle the anxious feeling thrumming in his blood. _1, 2, 3, 4._ It helps, somewhat. 

Calum shifts to look at him, brushing his hand over Ashton's back. "I'm sorry for what happened, Ash." 

Ashton exhales, wrapping his arm tighter around Calum. When he speaks, his voice is quiet and pained. "Yeah, me too." 

Michael pulls back, brushing his thumb under Ashton's eye to wipe away some of the tears that Ashton hadn't even realised had fallen. "I think we all need a night out, what do you say?" 

Ashton thinks of Vegas, with its bright lights and never-ending nights and the reputation is has for being the biggest party capital of the world. He thinks about the way the city is, all loud noises and scantily clad bodies and he needs that. For maybe just the one night, he needs that. 

"I'm down," he says, surprising both boys, and himself, honestly. He hasn't left the apartment much, only to eat and to go to work, so it is rather shocking that he's agreeing to this. Especially after the Burlesque Lounge. 

He stands up, stretching out his back and looking down at his friends. "I need maybe 10 minutes, and then we can head out, if that's okay with you?" 

Michael nods, offering him a small smile. Ashton pretends not to see the pride shining in his eyes. 

He leans down and presses his lips to the top of their heads, ruffling their hair, much to Michael's dismay. "I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me." 

He leaves the room before they can argue with him, most likely saying something about how they don't put up with him because they love him. Ashton knows that's not the case, though. He knows he's hard to deal with, especially when he gets flashbacks or memories and he shuts himself off from the world. He knows that Michael and Calum feel helpless whenever he gets into his moods or has a panic attack. 

He shakes his head, trying to shake the thoughts out of his brain. If they're going out in public, especially since they're going to the _Strip_ , he can't do this to himself. He can't let his mind take him down these thoughts, because he truly cannot deal with them right now. 

He pulls off his shirt once he's in the darkness of his room, throwing the discarded item into his bed to be dealt with later. He rifles through his clothing, trying to find something suitable to wear for a night on the town in a city where it's boiling hot even on the best days. He eventually settles on a ripped Iron Maiden singlet that he things might actually be Michael's, but he likes how his tattoos are on display and that the arm holes droop low enough that the script on his ribs can just barely be seen. 

Calum whistles when he steps from his room, causing Ashton to blush and Michael to hit him on the back of his head. 

"He looks good!" Calum defends himself, rubbing at the sore spot and pouting at Michael. "What, am I not allowed to tell my best friend that he looks good?" 

Michael rolls his eyes, planting a firm kiss on Calum's still pouting mouth. "Don't whistle at him, you bastard. You're only supposed to whistle at _me._ " 

Ashton clears his throat, fiddling with the hem of his shirt from where he leans against the door. "Um, if you guys are done with your little lover thing, we should probably get going if we want to beat the evening traffic." 

Calum pouts again, stealing one more kiss from Michael as he stands up, slipping on his shoes and grabbing the keys to the Jeep. "Yeah, you're right. Let's go." 

A few minutes later, they're in the Jeep, much the same way they'd been when picking Ashton up from the airport: Calum driving, Ashton in between him and Michael. (Ashton hadn't been able to quite keep in his snort when the red Jeep had come into view, still so amused that _this_ is the car that Calum drives. Calum had scowled and pushed his shoulder, threatening to make him walk all the way to the Strip if he didn't "fuck right off that very instance".) 

Ashton closes his eyes, leaning his cheek against Calum's shoulder. Michael's plastered to his side, his hand intertwined with Calum's on Ashton's knee. They're all touching in some way, and Ashton takes comfort in it all. 

Before he'd moved out here, and after the thing had happened that had been the reason for his escape from Sydney, he'd hated touch. His siblings, Harry and Lauren, and his mother were the only exception to that. He hates that Damien had reduced him to that she'll of the person he was, and he hates that he still is that shell, but being here in Vegas, with his two best friends, he can feel his old self returning. He hopes it comes back for good. 

He lets his mind wander, thinking about all Las Vegas can hold for him. Maybe, just maybe, he can finally do something with the English degree that he'd gotten, and maybe he can finish the book that's sitting heavily in his documents on his laptop. He can – dare he say it – finally be happy, in a way he hasn't been able to be for just over a year now. 

"Ash?" a gentle hand shakes his shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts. "We're here."

Ashton blinks his eyes open to find that they are, indeed, here. Here as in the car park outside of the Bellagio casino, the huge golden lion just at the edge of his vision. The fountains are going off beneath them, water arching delicately through the air. 

"Come on, we're here to show you something." Calum tugs on his arm, pulling him away from the stone wall between him and the pavement far below. Ashton lets himself be dragged away, eyes still on the graceful lights of the Strip. He doesn't look away until they're in the elevator down into the actual casino. 

Ashton has never been in a casino, really. There were a few in Sydney, but he usually kept away from them, opting to keep himself away from the smoke filled air and the heavy gambling. He thinks he may have been in one of the Sydney casinos once, when he was little, but just the small amount he can remember is so much better (or worse, if he wants to truly spend time thinking about it) than this. 

The Bellagio is _packed_ , though it is close to 11 at night and this is when the city truly comes alive. The air is smoky, enough that Ashton can feel his lungs tightening, and the chatter of the thousands of people around him make his head full with a steady hum. Laughter and what sounds like piano music are the undertones to the soundtrack of people. He finds he quite likes it. 

Michael slips his hand into Calum's, throwing a quick "Keep up" over his shoulder at Ashton before he begins to walk, pushing through crowds of people in the way only Michael has. 

Ashton takes the time to observe the casino around him as he hurries after his friends. There's gambling all around him, slot machines and card tables and big wheels with numbers on them. Men and women in navy and maroon vests bustle between them, manning each game with bored expressions. 

Michael turns a corner, offering a small wave to someone that Ashton can't see. Ashton looks to the room on his right, catching a glimpse of a blonde woman dealing cards to who _could_ be Bruno Mars, but they pass the room too quickly for Ashton to be sure. 

"Where are we even going?" Ashton calls, hoping Michael can hear him over the roar around them. 

Luckily, he can. "The Conservatory!" Michael calls back. "It's really pretty, especially this time of year. Don't worry, you'll love it." 

Ashton nods to himself, not bothering to ask what that means. He'll see for himself in a few moments, he's sure. 

They round another corner, and Ashton sees a huge room, with hotel concierge desks on the far wall, big cushions and seats taking up the entire middle of the room. Big, multicoloured glass flowers decorate the ceiling, overlapping each other in some cases. Ashton can see a crowd of people heading for something through an exit on the right side of the room, and through the archways he can see what look like flowers. Real flowers. 

Ashton hurries towards the archways, beating both Michael and Calum there as he steps into the huge room on the other side. His jaw drops as he takes in everything around him. 

He's completely surrounded by flowers, the sweet smell making him feel at home. He's always loved flowers, ever since he was a little boy and would help his mother with her garden every spring. Flowers have always been a comfort to him, that's why there's multiple of them inked onto his body forever. 

He steps close to the metal railing barring him from one of the displays, looking at the huge bumblebee made out of the beautiful flowers, a small green-spotted frog sitting right next to it. A little ways away, butterflies grow, seemingly about to ruffle their wings and fly straight into the air. 

Turning around, he sees another display, smaller and thinner than the one he'd just seen. This time it's of horses, three of them to be exact. One is stuck in mid-trot, the others lying curled together on the ground. They're made of green flowers, mossy in the colour and as beautiful as everything else. Around them, Ashton sees a display that mirrors the one from behind him, though it's filled with a small merry-go-round that spins slowly to the music. 

Ashton smiles, brushing his fingers over the metal railing. There's a lot of people in this room, some shoving against him accidentally, but for once he can't bring himself to care about that. He's much too busy taking in the ethereal foliage around him to pay any mind. 

Walking further into the room, Ashton spots Michael's dark mess of hair leaning against another railing, Calum beside him. He starts walking to them, barely paying them any attention when he reaches them. It's okay, since they're too absorbed in each other to notice he's walked up, anyways. 

There's a pond in front of him, the water dotted with lily pads and leaves. A big windmill rises out of the water, the wooden wheel beside it turning as water pours down it. A white swan the size of Ashton peacefully swims beside them, the flowers that make up its body a beautiful, pure white. Bushes line the outside of the pond, purple and blue flowers adorning them. 

"I knew you'd like it here." Calum nudges him, giving him a smug smile. 

Ashton shrugs, looking back down at the flowers. He feels calmer than he has in months. "I love flowers, you know that. This place is beautiful." 

Michael nods, leaning forward a little to be able to see Ashton over Calum. "They change this up every season. Or if there's a special holiday. It's always really pretty." 

"It's one of the few places in Vegas where you can really see flowers," Calum admits. "There's flowers everywhere, true, but most of the time they're dry and dead from all the heat. Places like this are always really cool." 

"Really cool, but also always really crowded." Michael steps away from the barrier, gesturing for the other two to follow him. "C'mon, there's a really good ice cream place a little bit down the hallway, it's always pretty quiet there." 

Ashton lets himself be led away, taking one last look at the beautiful flowers before he's dragged around a corner. Without the soothing smell of the flowers around him, Ashton feels a little bit of the tightness that accompanies him everywhere return to his chest. 

"One thing that Vegas _does_ have is the world's largest chocolate fountain." Michael sounds almost proud, jerking his chin to the store they pass by. Ashton sees a large fountain with pools of chocolate dripping down, and as much as it's really not the most impressive thing he's ever seen, he can admit that it is pretty cool. 

"It's okay, I know it's really not that exciting," Calum reassures him, swinging his arm around Ashton's shoulder. "Michael just loves chocolate so he thinks it's the coolest thing in the entire universe." 

"Not true. I think _you're_ the coolest thing in the entire universe." Michael sticks his tongue out, contradicting his sweet words. 

Calum rolls his eyes. "Shut it, you giant sap." He turns his attention back to Ashton, gently bumping his hip against the older boy's. "I'll take you to my favourite part of Vegas as soon as we get the chance. There's this really pretty wildlife preserve on the other side of the city, I think you'd really like it there. And there's a pretty cool part of downtown, it's really hipster. Right up your alley. You'd like the bookstore there." 

Ashton offers him a small smile. "Yeah, I'd like that." 

Calum smiles back, squeezing his shoulders briefly, before he lets go and wanders back up to Michael. Ashton watches as their hands automatically clasp at their sides, a bright smile caught on Michael's face when he looks over at Calum. It's sweet, how they still react to each other, when they've been together since Ashton was a Year 12. That's a little over six years, and the love they have is so much stronger than anything Ashton's ever seen before. 

A ghost of a smile plays over Ashton's lips as he watches them, hands stuffed in his pockets. He will probably never get over the longing he feels whenever he sees them, the desire to have someone like that of his own, someone to hold and kiss and cuddle when he's feeling down. He honestly doesn't know if he'll ever get that though, not after what Damien did. Not after the months he'd spent with the previously mentioned boy. 

They'd kissed, and cuddled, and while it had seemed okay back then, Ashton looks back at it now and notices the lack of emotions in any of the memories. There hasn't been the intimacy and the love that he'd craved, and now fears but wants all the same. (He doesn't let himself think about how when he imagines a relationship like Michael and Calum's, he sees it with a beautiful blond boy, his blue eyes alight with happiness.) 

Ashton doesn't even notice that they've walked into a small ice cream shop until someone's asking him for his order, breaking him from his thoughts. Panicking, Ashton blurts out the the first thing on the menu he sees, and when a small bowl of something purple is pushed towards him, he really hopes it's something good. 

It's one of the best things he's ever tasted, melting on his tongue and making his blood thrum with delight. It's something fruity, he knows that much, maybe something like mixed berry or a sorbet or something. He really doesn't care. 

Michael watches him with a knowing smile. "Good, huh?" he asks, taking a bite of his pineapple ice cream.

Ashton would open his mouth to reply, but he's scared the only thing that will come out is a moan. He settles for a nod, shovelling spoonfuls of the heavenly treat into his mouth. 

Calum laughs, pushing both boys towards a small table just outside the shop, forcing them to sit. "This is one of the best ice cream shops I've been to here." 

Ashton nods distractedly, looking around. There's practically no one around, just a few people dotted here and there, talking to each other in low voices. It's almost silent compared to the conservatory, and as much as he'd loved the flowers and the displays, he can't say that the quiet is unwelcome. 

They eat in relative silence, broken occasionally by some small remark. Ashton's never really liked being alone with his thoughts, always keen to keep up a conversation, so the longer the quiet stretches on the more antsy he gets, until finally Michael stands up to throw away his cup and says they should probably get going. 

The walk out through the casino is more hectic than the walk in. More people have arrived, and people that were already there are wasted or high or both. Ashton has to push a drunken man away when he gets a little too close for comfort. 

"This is the side of Vegas that I hate," Calum murmurs, holding tight to Michael's hand and Ashton's elbow as he pushes through the intoxicated masses. "They're the reasons we have such a bad reputation." 

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," Ashton says dryly. 

Calum snorts. "Right." 

They make it to the car relatively unscathed, just a little shaken up by the masses of people. They pile into the Jeep unceremoniously, exactly the same as when they'd arrived: all parts of them touching, a comfort to their frazzled nerves. 

The ride home is just as quiet as the table had been, though the soft croon of the radio is enough to keep Ashton's mind occupied. He keeps his eyes on the moon, watching it through every twist and turn. 

When he was little, he always thought that the moon was following him home, always just a step behind him to keep watch over him during the night. He knows all little children think that, but he still thinks to himself that the moon is his one constant companion in the hectic mess that is his life. God, how he wishes he could go back to the simpler time where the only thing he worried about was what his snack was going to be. 

Calum parks in his spot a few minutes later, shutting off the car and letting complete silence envelope the three boys. Michael's the first to crack, pushing out of the car as fast as he can. Ashton's next, piling after him and following him up into the apartment, where he bids Ashton a quiet goodnight and disappears into his room, Calum on his heels. 

Ashton sighs, stepping into his room and closing the door. The moonlight spilling into the room is welcome. 

He strips himself down to his boxers, climbing into the cool sheets of his bed and curling up on his side, eyes still on the moon. His head is in turmoil, but exhaustion pulls on his eyelids. 

He won't be able to sleep like this, so he grabs his phone from where he'd plugged it in, grabbing his headphones as well, and plays one of the quieter playlists he has. He forces himself to think of only the lyrics of the songs, closing his eyes. 

He yawns, the soft crooning in his ear gently pulling him into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** possible depression themes, mention of a past traumatic experience 
> 
> _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

Ashton wakes up the next day Bennett calling early in the morning, explaining that there's been a family emergency so he's closing the shop up for the day. Ashton doesn't even get a word in before Bennett is hanging up, leaving Ashton staring at his phone with too-awake eyes. 

Even when he tries to get back to sleep, it stubbornly evades him, and eventually he has to give up, throwing on a shirt and sweatpants before leaving his room for the kitchen. 

Michael's sitting at the kitchen table, his black hair a fluffy mess on his head. There's a mug of what looks like coffee in his hands, his tired eyes the only thing Ashton can see over the rim of the cup. 

"Morning," he greets, his voice scratchy. "What're you doing up this early? Your shift doesn't start for a few more hours." 

Ashton yawns, pouring himself his own mug of coffee, completely black. He's grown accustomed to the bitter taste. "Bennett called, said I didn't have to come in today. Couldn't get back to sleep after that." 

Michael nods to himself, taking a long sip of his coffee. "You could go to work with Cal today, if you wanted. He owns a bookstore so you'd probably enjoy yourself." 

Ashton raises an eyebrow. "I didn't know he owned a bookstore." 

"It's called _Bound To Please_ ," Calum says, stepping into the room and looking undeniably pleased with himself. "Get it? Cause books are bound, and it's called-" 

"I get it," Ashton cuts him off, rolling his eyes. "Mind if I come with?" 

Calum's eyes light up. "Not at all! You'll have so much fun, I promise, my bookstore is actually amazing." 

Ashton laughs, standing up to put his mug in the sink, patting Calum's shoulder. "I'm sure it is. Let me go get dressed and then we can go." 

He leaves the room before Calum can reply, not really wanting to talk until he's completely woken up. There's still exhaustion dragging at his eyelids, begging him to go back to sleep, but now he's way too wound up to get any more rest. 

He pulls on a simple black shirt, pairing it with his usual black jeans and his battered boots, not really bothering with his appearance. It's not like anyone that matters will see him, so it's okay. 

Calum's waiting for him when he steps from his room, leaning against the wall with his keys in his hand. Michael's disappeared, probably off to catch a little bit more sleep. Ashton envies him. 

"Ready to go?" Calum asks him, pushing away from the wall and walking towards the door. Ashton follows, grabbing his own keys and letting Calum lead him out of the apartment. Calum's got a little skip in his step that doesn't go unnoticed by Ashton. 

"Excited?" he teases, opening the passenger seat to the Jeep and getting in, for once without a comment on the car. Calum looks grateful, shoving his bag into the backseat. 

"I just really want you to see the bookstore," Calum explains, pulling out of the parking space. "You know how I was telling you about the hipster bookstore that you'd really love? Yeah, well, I may or may not have been talking about my bookstore. But you'll love it, I swear! It might be tooting my own horn but that bookstore is absolutely amazing." 

Ashton snorts out a small laugh, shaking his head fondly. "I'll take your word for it." 

Calum laughs himself, glancing at Ashton from the corner of his eyes. "You'll have fun, I promise. Do you still love books as much as you love flowers?" 

Ashton rolls his eyes, relaxing back into the seat behind him. "I wasn't an English major for nothing, Cal." 

Calum snorts, not bothering to reply as he turns onto another street. The side of town where they are is relatively quiet, far enough away from the Strip that it's not always bustling around but close enough that there's still people out and about. Calum's biting back a huge grin when he turns the car onto a somewhat busy street, lined with shops all around. 

"We're here," he sings, parking in a spot right in front of a store. The fancy script in the front glass window reads 'Bound To Please', and Ashton can't quite help his small giggle. 

"You weren't lying," he notes, stepping from the car. Calum laughs behind him, locking the car and then walking forward to unlock the door to the store. Ashton follows him in. 

He gets a feeling of safety as he walks into the room. 

It's more intense than the conservatory had been, mostly because the only people here are him and Calum. Plus, he's always loved books as much as, if not more than, flowers, and every wall is covered floor to ceiling with books of all shapes and sizes. There's racks lining the middle of the room, a small doorway that's roped off in the corner, and the spiral staircase at the far end of the room leads up to another floor that Ashton can see is as filled with as many books as the first floor. The smell of ink and paper makes Ashton sigh in relief, closing his eyes. 

"Told you you'd like it here," Calum says somewhere to his left, a smug tone to his voice. "You can go into the back room if you want, it's that door there. I have to stay out here for a little bit, gotta flip the sign and wait for the other worker. There's some more books back there that haven't been shelved yet, plus there's this really awesome couch that me and Luke always sleep on whenever we can." 

Ashton doesn't take notice of the name Calum says at the end, too busy moving towards the little doorway he'd seen earlier. He hears Calum chuckle behind him, but he just reaches a hand back and flips him off, disappearing into the tiny room before Calum can retaliate. He immediately thinks that the small room is his favourite part of the entire store.

There's a floor to ceiling bookshelf on the opposite wall, stuffed to the brim with battered books and old magazines. Boxes are strewn about, stacked carefully on top of each other. Some of them are open, obviously having started on the process of shelving all of the new books inside of them. There's a plush red couch in the middle of the room, the worn leather looking soft and inviting. There's no doubt that this is the couch Calum was talking about. 

Ashton smiles to himself, stepping forward to run his fingers over the spines of the books. He can hear Calum talking to someone out in the front room, a vaguely familiar laugh echoing afterwards, but Ashton is really paying attention. He's more focused on the thousands of words that surround him. 

He's content and happy in a more intense way than he was in the conservatory. Books have always been one of his favourite things, challenged only by flowers and music. He thinks that if he were to try and describe himself, he'd say only those things. Books, flowers, and music, he thinks wryly, are some of the most beautiful things this world has to offer. 

He sits down on the couch, immediately sinking into the leather. Calum was right; this is one of the most comfortable things he's ever sat on in his entire life. He sighs contentedly, leaning his head back, before he reaches out and grabs the first book his hand comes into contact with. It turns out to be a teen novel, the front a picture of a golden helmet. Ashton doesn't really care, to be honest. He just wants to read. 

He carefully opens the book, trying not to crack the spine. He skims his eyes over the first page, finding himself being pulled into the universe of the Greek boy, but just as he finishes the prologue, Calum yells from the front room, "Hey Ash, come here for a second!" 

Ashton grumbles to himself, finding a small piece of paper and marking his place, carefully setting the book down. His lips pull into a scowl as he exits the room, his eyes finding Calum's. "I was in the middle of a good book, what do you-" 

He stops, though, when he takes in the figure next to Calum. The boy's stifling a laugh, his hand covering the bottom half of his face. But the piercing blue eyes were easily recognisable, as they'd been haunting Ashton's every thought since he'd first seen them weeks ago. 

He shuts his mouth with an audible sound, his cheeks burning bright red as he cast his gaze to the floor. He takes a step forward, so that he's closer to Calum, now unbelievably shy in front of a boy—no, a _man_ —who'd seen him in a weak moment. 

"You already know Luke," Calum says, nudging Ashton's side. "The Burlesque Lounge, yeah? He works here for me, too." 

Ashton snorts weakly, daring a glance at Luke through his eyelashes. He finds Luke staring back, his blue eyes intense. Ashton can't quite help the shudder that goes down his spine. "I can see that, Cal." 

Calum grins, ruffling his hair. "Right, so I have paperwork to do up in my office, so Luke, you're in charge of the store for now. Ash, you can pick out any books you want, I'll let you have them for free." 

Ashton nods, disappearing into the back room the second Calum's done talking, determinedly not meeting Luke's eyes. He leans against the wall, breathing out heavily and forcing his body to calm down. He doesn't want to deal with a panic attack. 

Once he's certain that his breathing is back to normal, he stands back up, crossing the room to grab his book from earlier. He looks at the title this time. _The Song of Achilles._

He holds the book to his chest protectively, intending to step from the room and look through the books in the main room. He takes a deep breath, stepping out of his little haven. He ducks his head, cheeks staining crimson when Luke looks up at him. He doesn't say a word, merely turns into the giant shelves of books, letting himself get pulled into the world of ink. 

He loses all worries of Luke the second his fingers come into contact with a book, gently brushing over the spine of it. He's in the philosophy section, he can tell by the sign above his head, and while these books aren't what he wants to read, he takes the time to appreciate the beautiful paper of them. 

Rounding another corner, he finds himself in the poetry section, and he relaxes. Poetry has always been his favourite form of writing. 

He steps up to the shelves, skimming his fingers over the books, reading the titles and the authors quickly. He sees some familiar ones, pieces that he had to analyse during university or ones he's just liked. Emily Brontë's name catches his eye, and he reminds himself to come back in here someday and pick those up. 

Ashton continues looking, searching for the one name that he really wants. He can't seem to find it, though he knows it should be here, since the man is one of the most well-known poets. 

Finally, he comes across what he's looking for: the complete collection of Robert Frost poetry. Crouching down, he plucks the book out of the shelf, opening it and scanning the table of contents to be sure that the book holds his favourite poem. He's about to stand back up when a voice stops him. 

"Are you dumb because you know me not, or dumb because you know?" 

Ashton looks up, his breath catching in his throat when he finds Luke beside him, leaning against the shelves. The other boy's just staring down at him, his gaze an intense, physical thing Ashton can feel against his skin. 

Ashton swallows, unable to look away from Luke's eyes. He's even _more_ beautiful in the daylight, his shoulders broad and his body long. There's a black ring through the right corner of his bottom lip that Ashton hadn't noticed before, and now that he has, he's distracted watching Luke's teeth worry at it. He harshly snaps himself out of that, reminding himself that just because Luke is gorgeous doesn't mean anything. It _won't_ mean anything. Ashton will make sure of it. 

He stands up shakily, pleased to find that he's only a little bit shorter than Luke is. It makes Ashton feel less vulnerable, less small and shy. 

Luke hasn't taken his eyes off Ashton since he spoke, and now Ashton recognises the words as a quote from a Robert Frost poem. One of his favourites actually. It makes a small smile twitch across Ashton's lips, his chin tilting up in an air of confidence. "All for me? And not a question, for the faded flowers gay, that could take me from beside you for the ages of the day?" 

Luke breaks into a huge grin, his eyes sparkling. He pushes himself off the wall, stepping closer to Ashton. Ashton forces himself not to get flustered. "Robert Frost is a brilliant man," he murmurs, tapping the cover of the book still clutched in Ashton's hands. 

Ashton swallows again, breaking the eye contact he'd maintained with Luke as his cheeks heat up. "He's my favourite poet," he murmurs, stepping away from Luke and walking towards the checkout counter. He drops both of his books onto the glass, about to go back to browsing when Luke stops him. 

"The Song of Achilles?" He looks impressed, his fingers brushing over the cover. "Where'd you find this?" 

Ashton's breath shudders out of him at how close Luke is, the heat is his body only a breath away. Luke doesn't even seem to notice, reaching around Ashton to pick up the book. 

"Uh, the back room," Ashton chokes out, frustrated with the reaction his body keeps giving Luke. He doesn't need this. He doesn't want this. 

Luke makes a small noise of acknowledgment, carefully opening the book to where Ashton's bookmark is placed. Ashton notices how tenderly Luke treats the book, and he feels an unexpected warmth in his chest. 

"This is my favourite book," Luke says, so casually, flipping to the very back and reading something with a smile on his face. "It's really good, very well written. It will make you cry though. And it's literally about a gay relationship. It's a gay book." 

Ashton frowns, taking the book back from Luke. "Good thing I'm gay, then." 

He doesn't mean for it to be funny, but Luke laughs out loud anyways, his smile big enough that a dimple pops out in his cheek. Ashton stop breathing for a second. 

He has to do something to distract himself, so he turns to the books on the counter, his back to Luke. He sees Luke step around him from the corner of his eye, watching as the other boy sits down on a stool behind the counter. 

"Tell me about yourself." Luke's watching him, when he looks up, his chin propped up on his hands. It's such a cliche question that it makes Ashton snort. 

"What do you want to know?" He raises an eyebrow, leaning forward on his elbows. Luke's eyes follow the movement before he locks gazes with Ashton again. 

"Cal told me you moved here the day we met," Luke says, leaning forward as well. Ashton fights the urge to pull away from him. "He said you're staying with him and Mikey. Why'd you move here?" 

It's the wrong question to ask, but of course Luke wouldn't know that. He wouldn't know that the mention of Ashton's past will make him lock up, his jaw clenching as his eyes darken. Luke wouldn't know anything, and that's the only reason Ashton can pull himself out of what might have been a panic attack. 

"Let's not talk about that," he breathes, his voice sounding clipped, though he offers a weak smile to make it seem like he's not breaking on the inside. Luke's lips part, his eyes widening. He must be able to hear the pain in Ashton's voice. 

He looks like he's about to apologise, but he thinks better of it, simply laying a comforting hand on Ashton's shoulder. Ashton tenses up at first, but relaxes into it, closing his eyes. 

"Can I ask where you moved from?" Luke asks quietly, his hand not moving from Ashton's shoulder. He sounds hesitant, like he doesn't want to trigger Ashton again. 

Ashton's lips curl into a small smile, his eyes opening. "Sydney," he says. "I'm from Australia." 

Luke smiles softly, pulling his hand away. Ashton's skin feels cold now that the heat from Luke isn't there. "I was born there," Luke says, his cheeks flushed red. "I moved here when I was like, 4 though, so I don't remember much." 

He doesn't give Ashton much time to process that information, launching into question after question that leave Ashton's head spinning. He notices how Luke carefully stays away with anything pertaining to Ashton's past though, aside from his family, and that knowledge makes his heart warm in his chest. The questions are simple things, like Ashton's favourite colour or book, and every answer seems to fascinate Luke to no end. He likes it best that Luke offers up his own fact every time Ashton lets a piece of information go. 

Customers come in and out, as Ashton quickly realises that the bookstore is pretty popular. Each time, Luke will excuse himself from the conversation, helping each customer find their book and then checking them out, until finally, the number of customers has dwindled. 

They move on to embarrassing childhood stories, things they did when they were too young to know better. Ashton's got a few, especially from his teenage years, as he was always an adventurous kid and got himself into trouble without ever meaning to. He finds Luke's stories absolutely adorable, hearing him having to fend off his brothers and stay on his mother's good side. 

Ashton's in the middle of laughing so hard his stomach aches when he stops short, realising something. This is the most he's laughed for almost a year, he's actually let go enough to be truly happy in these moments, and it's all thanks to a kid he's barely met. Someone who he knows that if he doesn't stop, he'll fall for, and that's a bad idea. 

He's dimly aware that he's stopped in the middle of a sentence, and that Luke's worriedly trying to get his attention, but he can't focus on the other man right now. He doesn't want to, since every time he looks at Luke he feels his heart flutter. 

Luke's the sweetest person he's ever met, genuine and nice and Ashton knows he could never be like Damien, but he's so scared that he's wrong. He was wrong in the first place about Damien and that completely fucked him over, he doesn't know how he'd handle it if Luke was like that. He probably wouldn't, and he'd probably fall right back into old habits, he thinks wryly. 

_"Ash!"_ Ashton jerks, snapping his eyes up to meet Luke's. Luke looks so worried, his eyes electric as he holds Ashton's shoulders with both hands. 

"Are you okay?" he asks, searching Ashton's eyes. "God, I've been shaking you for almost a minute, you wouldn't react to anything. What's wrong?" 

Ashton opens his mouth, but his reply dies in his throat. What's he supposed to say? That he's permanently fucked up because of a guy? Like that would go down well. Luke doesn't deserve to have to know what's happened to Ashton, he doesn't deserve to have that weight put on his shoulders. Ashton can handle it. After all, he's been handling it for a year. 

He can see genuine concern in Luke's eyes, his face etched with worry, and he doesn't know what to make of it. Seized with the desperation to change the subject, he blurts out the question that's been nagging at him since he met the other man. "Why'd you tell me your name?" 

At Luke's confused look, Ashton inhales shakily, trying to make sense of his jumbled thoughts. "At the Burlesque Lounge. You said only a few people knew your name, but you told me, a complete stranger. Why?" He sounds frantic, he knows that, the look in his eyes probably crazed. 

Luke looks at him for a long time, his eyes flashing with something Ashton can't identify. When he opens his mouth again, his voice is quiet. "You looked like someone I could trust," he whispers. "Someone who wouldn't put my name out there and ruin everything." He hesitates, glancing down for a second, and then back into Ashton's eyes. "And you– your eyes are so dark, Ash. You look like you're in constant pain and you just look so _broken_ and I just want to be there for you. I just want to help but I don't know if you'll let me." 

Ashton's at a loss for words, left speechless staring into Luke's eyes. It's the second time in as many days that someone's mentioned that they can see Ashton's struggling, and he doesn't know when he became such an open book. He doesn't know if he likes it or not. 

"Luke," he murmurs, and that one word has so much emotion, so much pain in it that Luke deflates, gripping to his shoulders tighter. His voice rasps in his voice when he says, _"Luke."_

Movement from above them shatters the moment, though neither of them move from their positions. Luke's hands are still on Ashton's shoulders, one of Ashton's hands gripping his arm and the other braced against the counter. They're still staring into each other's eyes even as Calum comes down the spiral staircase. 

"Are you ready to– Ash?" Calum sounds tentative, though Ashton can hear the little bit of relief and cautious hope in his voice. "Everything alright?" 

Ashton's lips part, his eyes still burning into Luke's. "Yeah, everything's fine." He finally breaks the eye contact, turning his head to the side to look at Calum. Luke's arms drop. "Are you ready to go?" 

"Yeah, but if you're not..." Calum's gaze drifts over Luke, and Luke stares back at him with wide eyes. 

Ashton offers a small half-smile. "I'll be there in a second, Cal. Wait in the car for me?" 

Calum nods slowly, his gaze shifting between Luke and Ashton, before he pushes open the door to the store, walking out to the car. 

Ashton turns back to Luke, about to say something, when Luke interrupts him, talking a mile a minute. "Can I have your number? I'm sorry if that's creepy but I just really want to have a way to contact you and I want to make sure you're okay and–" 

"Luke," Ashton laughs softly, shaking his head. "You can have my number, it's okay." 

Luke relaxes, watching as Ashton slowly scribbles his phone number onto the piece of paper that's closest to him. Luke pockets it the second Ashton's done, promising to text him. 

Ashton bites his lip, looking out to Calum's car, where he can see Calum's watching them, his brow furrowed. He doesn't blame his friend. He sighs, picking up his books. "I guess that means I have to go." 

"I do too." Luke pulls on a jacket, grabbing his keys and following Ashton out of the shop, flicking off lights and locking the door behind him. 

Luke offers a shy wave, his feet pointing into each other. "I've gotta go. See ya, Ash." He turns around and walks to where a lone car is sitting on the other side of the car park. 

"Luke," Ashton calls, making Luke stop and turn back to him, his eyes bright in the light of the moon. He offers the other man a soft smile. "Thanks for caring." 

Luke's breath whooshes out of him, and then his striding back to wrap his arms tightly around Ashton's shoulders, pressing their bodies together. Ashton tenses at first, and he feels Luke about to pull away and apologise, but then he melts into the other man's body, wrapping his arms around his waist. He ignores his brain screaming at him to walk away, turning his nose into Luke's hair and squeezing him tightly. 

They part after a while, Luke's cheeks flushed pink and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Ashton watches as he smiles, and then turns and hurries to his car. Ashton shakes his head, turning and getting into the passenger seat of the Jeep. 

Calum looks at him, raising an eyebrow. His expression speaks volumes, though he still asks, "What was that?" 

Ashton shrugs, looking down at his lap. "I don't know, to be honest." 

Calum sighs, turning to face him. Ashton does the same. "Look, Ash. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. You're older than me and we both know you wouldn't listen to me anyways." They laugh softly, before Calum lays a hand on his shoulder, looking at him seriously. "Luke's a great guy. He's sweet and he won't hurt you. I think you should at least give him a chance, maybe not in a relationship, but as friends." He pauses, tightening his grip. "But I still want you to be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt." 

Ashton smiles gently, touching his friend's shoulder. "I will. Thanks, Cal. You and Mikey are the best friends anyone could ask for." 

They're silent on the way home, and Ashton can't stop thinking of the blue-eyed boy. 

He's not certain how he feels about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** possible depression themes, mentions of past self-harm, mentions of sexual harassment, mention of a past traumatic experience 
> 
> _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

>   
>  **LUKE** (23:54)  
>  what the heck are you even talking about  
>  bucky barnes is the best
> 
> **ASHTON** (23:54)  
>  Luke????? it's literally called captain america???????  
>  it's not called bucky barnes, thanks
> 
> **LUKE** (23:54)  
>  EXCUSE U  
>  HE'S LITERALLY MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
> 
> **ASHTON** (23:55)  
>  HE'S A MADE UP CHARACTER
> 
> **LUKE** (23:55)  
>  i'm going to pretend you didn't just say that so that we can still be friends

Ashton laughs to himself, a blinding grin over-taking his face. He's been texting Luke nonstop for a couple of days now, and while he'd initially been surprised just how easy the other boy was to talk to, he's more preoccupied with how easy it is for Luke to make him laugh.

His phone buzzes before he can really get into that thought, and it's successful in pulling his attention back to the conversation.

>   
>  **LUKE** (23:55)  
>  so what have you seen from Vegas so far? 
> 
> **ASHTON** (23:56)  
>  everything that's on the way to my work, the bookstore, or the burlesque lounge.  
>  oh and the bellagio. kind of. 
> 
> **LUKE** (23:56)  
>  you've been in Vegas for like 2 months?????  
>  cal and mike are obviously really bad tour guides.

Ashton can't help the snort that escapes him.

>   
>  **ASHTON** (23:56)  
>  yeah i guess they are  
>  but i mean who else will?? you???? 
> 
> **LUKE** (23:56)  
>  yeah, actually. 

It makes Ashton stop, blinking stupidly at his phone. Luke's offering to show him around town? Is he joking?

Ashton still can't wrap his head around the fact that Luke actually wants to talk to him, and now he's proposing they see each other in person again. 

Ashton sucks in a quick breath. He barely survived their last encounter, his brain never able to catch up to what was going on, and that was in a place surrounded by things he loves. How's he supposed to cope when they're out in the hustle of the city? How's he supposed to cope when he's out with _Luke_?

>   
>  **ASHTON** (23:59)  
>  now? 
> 
> **LUKE** (00:01)  
>  no, silly. it's midnight and my shift at the lounge starts in twenty minutes. tomorrow? if you're free? i get home at like 5 so we could head out maybe around 1 or 2? you could come over here (as in my place) and we could take my car so that i can drive us around 

Ashton hesitates, thumbs hanging over the keyboard.

He doesn't know how he's supposed to deal with tomorrow. The more time he spends with Luke, the longer they talk, he can feel his resolve growing steadily weaker and weaker. He's going fonder and fonder of the blond boy, and that's eventually going to lead to a crush, and that's going to lead down a path that Ashton doesn't think he's strong enough to be on. If he says yes, he's setting himself up for some kind of hurting. 

But if he says no, it'll crush him. Luke's somehow become one of his best friends in the short period of time they've been talking, and the other boy makes him _happy_. He catches himself smiling and laughing at his phone screen in ways he doesn't think he ever has, not even before his move here. Luke always has the right thing to say, always knows when to lighten the mood or to keep pushing and offer the comfort Ashton so desperately needs. 

He's the most magnificent person Ashton's ever met. 

He sighs, closing his eyes for a single moment before he opens them again, tapping out a response and sending it before he can rethink it. He knows he's making the right choice. 

He curls up in his sheets, plugging his phone in to charge and nuzzling into his pillow, letting himself drift off.

>   
>  **ASHTON** (00:03)  
>  i'd love to (-: 

***

Ashton grips his steering wheel tightly, staring up at the apartment building in front of him. His car's parked, turned off, and the heat that's building should be enough to push him out of the car, but he's stuck.

He's seeing Luke again. Not only that, but he's seeing Luke again _in Luke's apartment_. Where they're stopping for only a few minutes before they're heading out, spending the rest of the day together as Luke shows Ashton his favorite sides of Vegas. 

He pushes open the car door, the small breeze that comes with the slightly cloudy day enough to cool him off. He locks his car, checking to make sure he's got his phone and keys and wallet before he walks into the apartment building. 

No one's in the front lobby except for an older man waiting for the elevators. Ashton assumes this means he doesn't have to sign in or anything, and he looks at the text from Luke again. He needs to head to Floor 5, Apartment 5G. 

He manages to get to the elevator before it closes, offering a small polite smile to the older man as he presses the button for Floor 5. It's quiet, almost awkward, him on one end and the man on the other. Luckily the man gets out a few floors before Ashton, so he doesn't have to deal with it for long, but it still makes his skin itch. 

When the elevator stops on Luke's floor, he takes his time getting out, slowly scanning over the metal plates beside each door until he's standing in front of 5G, his hands stuffed in his pockets. 

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a fraction of a second, before he raises his hand and knocks, the sound echoing through the empty corridor behind him. 

The door opens a few seconds later, Luke standing on the other end as he pulls a shirt over his head. Ashton's breath stutters out of him at the fleeting glance he gets of Luke's chest. "Ash, hey!" he greets, stepping back to let Ashton into the apartment. "Was wondering where you were." 

Ashton bites his lip, stepping through the door. Luke lets it slam closed behind him, following him into what looks like the living room. 

It's spacious, and nice, all airy and open and beautiful. There's a floor to ceiling window on the wall across from him, looking out over the Strip, and the kitchen is separated only by an island covered in papers. The living room is scattered with plush sofas and chairs, a TV hung in the middle of the wall. It's exactly the kind of apartment Ashton would've pictured for Luke. 

Ashton whistles, glancing over at Luke with a small smile. "Very nice," he says, and he takes pride in the blood that fills Luke's cheeks. 

He bites his lip, his feet turning in on each other as he jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "I'm just gonna– I still need to– I'm not done getting ready," he mumbles, blushing even harder. He hurries down a hallway next to the kitchen, throwing a "I'll be right back!" over his shoulder as he does. 

Ashton shakes his head, laughing slightly. He's only now, in the big room, and for a moment he feels the walls begin to close in, but he forces them to stay exactly where they are. This is not the time nor the place to let his demons win. 

To distract himself, he lets his eyes wander back over the room, this time taking in the details to everything. There's a soft-looking beige blanket thrown over the back of the couch, a pillow with a pillowcase that looks suspiciously like Alex Gaskarth resting beside it. Small knick knacks litter the coffee table and the cabinets around the TV, pictures all over the walls and mantle. Those are what draw Ashton in. 

He steps closer, resting his hand on the wall to steady himself. The first picture is of a tiny Luke, the unmistakable blue eyes scrunched up in laughter. His little hand is grasped in a woman's who is most likely his mother, her smile bright as she looks down at her son. Ashton smiles when he looks at the princess dress that Luke's dressed in, the crown too big for his head and lopsided on his blond hair. 

The picture frame beside that holds a more recent photo, Luke surrounded by people who have to be his family; they all share the blue eyes and blond hair and beautiful features. The two boys on either side of Luke could be his twins, while the same woman from the picture before has her hand resting on his shoulder. The man beside her has one hand buried in Luke's hair, his expression fondly exasperated. 

"That's my family," Luke says from behind him. Ashton doesn't startle, merely turns his head to look at the other boy. He looks more put together than he did when he left the room. "This was the night before I moved out," he continues, stepping beside Ashton. "My older brothers, Jack and Ben," he points to each boy respectively, "and my parents." He smiles wistfully, thumb stroking the side of the picture frame. 

Ashton's throat feels tight, but he touches Luke's arm, nodding to the picture. "Do they still live here?" 

Luke shrugs, stepping away from the wall. He jams his hands into his pockets. "Ben does. Jack moved back to Sydney a few years back, and my parents bought a place up in Boulder City. It's only about a thirty minute drive, but they still can't get down here all that often." 

There's a hint of sadness in his voice, like he's reminded of how much he misses his family and how much it sucks to have them not in arm's reach. Ashton knows the feeling, and before he can second-guess himself, he steps forward and wraps his arms around Luke's shoulders. 

Luke stiffens for a fraction of a second, caught off-guard by the affection. His body relaxes a moment later, and his arms snake around Ashton's waist, his head burying in Ashton's shoulder. Ashton turns his nose into Luke's hair, and for a moment he loses himself in the warmth of Luke's body and the cinnamon-sugar smell of his skin and the way he feels wrapped up in Ashton's arms, and his heart swells in his chest. It doesn't scare him, for the first time in a long time. 

Then Luke pulls away, and his body feels cold where Luke was a second ago, and every fear he's had comes crashing back down. His walls go back up in a moment's notice, his stomach twisting at what these feelings could mean. 

Luke's looking at him in awe, however, a hint of pride in his eyes, like he knows that it's not every day that Ashton initiates touch. It makes Ashton's skin both warm and prickle. 

"Ready to go?" he asks, fighting to keep his voice steady. Luke nods, grabbing his keys and phone. He doesn't comment on what Ashton is sure is a stricken look on his face. 

Luke leads the way to the elevator, leaning against the wall after he pressed the button for the garage. Ashton leans across from him, careful to keep his distance. His brain hasn't unscrambled yet. 

When the doors open again, Luke heads toward a sleek dark gray 2014 Dodge Charger, unlocking the door and ducking into the car. Ashton follows suit, bringing his seatbelt over his body. He wrinkles his nose at the steering wheel, shaking his head. "Americans drive weird," he says, leaning back against the seat. 

Luke laughs, his smile bright and his cheek indented as he pulls from the parking spot. It brings even more attention to the lipring at the corner of his mouth. "Australians drive weird," he shoots back, pressing a button to make music fill the car. 

Ashton arches an unimpressed eyebrow, looking at the cover of the CD he assumes is in the stereo. All Time Low, it looks like. "You're from Australia too, nerd," he says, still looking at the CD case. 

Luke gasps, mock-offended, waving to the security guard as he exits the garage. "Yeah, but I moved here when I was little, so I don't think I really count as Australian. Jack and Ben remember it a lot more than I do." 

Ashton grins, stretching his legs in front of him. "Why'd you guys move, anyways?" 

Luke shrugs, looking out his window for a moment before he switches lanes. "Dad got a job offer here. We were all young enough that we didn't really have to worry about the upending of moving so he decided to take it. Vegas has been my home since I was old enough to know what that meant." 

It sounds pained, a little broken, and Ashton can see the tight-knuckled way he holds the steering wheel. There's something touchy about this, and Ashton knows well enough not to pry. 

Instead, he turns to look out the window, watching the cars drive by. "Where are we going?" he asks. 

Luke smiles, though his eyes are still distant. "You'll see."

***

They end up in a place Luke calls the Shark Reef. He says, as they walk through the entry gate and get stamps, that he's determined to show Ashton the sides of Vegas no one ever talks about. "Vegas isn't all about drugs and partying and sex," he'd said, grabbing a remote-looking object from a worker. "There's more to this city. I'm going to show you my favorite parts."

Ashton quickly learns that this first stop is an animal exhibit, so to speak, and it's endearingly comical watching Luke get stars truck as they walk past the different glass habitats. Luke almost _squeals_ when they arrive at the Komodo dragon, his face pressed up against the glass happily. Ashton has to admit that it's pretty fun. 

His favorite part, however, comes when they enter a darker room, filled with different sized tanks of fish. There's an octopus in one, lion fish in another, and even a few turtles swim through the bigger ones. Ashton is easily distracted, however, by the small pool that lays at the end of the room. 

His face splits into a grin when he sees what's inside, eyes darting over the manta rays and the horseshoe crabs and the starfish that litter the pool's sandy bottom. Workers sit along the rocked edges, encouraging people to be gentle when they touch the animals. Ashton half-listens to some of them talk about the different animals, but his focus is stolen by a tiny manta ray that swims beside his outstretched hand. 

He gently skims his fingers down its back, shivering at the smooth feeling of the animal's skin. Its sides ripple as it swims away, only to return a few moments later and brush its snout over his hand again. He laughs, letting it skim his hand a few more times before it swims to a new person. 

"You look happy," Luke comments, leaning over the pool beside him. Ashton turns to look at him, his smile staying on his face. 

He shrugs, rubbing his fingers over the shell of a horseshoe crab that moves slowly across the sand. "I love animals. Especially marine life." 

Luke grins at him, reaching out to carefully hold a starfish in the palm of his hand. He laughs as its suckers stick to his palm. Ashton's heart stutters at the sound. 

They stay in that room for a while, Luke eventually pulling Ashton in front of one of the big tanks. A bigger manta ray swims in front of them, curving up the glass. It almost seems to wave at them, its mouth seemingly smiling, and it makes Ashton giggle. (He doesn't notice Luke's fond look when he does.) 

And now, they lean against a wooden railing, standing in front of a tank. The room is dark, and it's quiet in their little corner. Ashton hasn't taken his eyes from the life teeming in front of him. 

"Tell me about Sydney," Luke murmurs, looking over at him. 

Ashton smiles softly, clasping his hands together. The watery blue light from the tank casts patterns over his tattoos. "I grew up there," he whispers back, turning to meet Luke's intense gaze. "I loved it. The beach, the air, the people. It was great." 

"And yet you moved here," Luke says slowly, hesitantly. He obviously remembers what happened the last time he brought up Ashton's move. 

Unlike last time, Ashton doesn't freeze up. He just looks down at his hands, and sighs. Luke's heart breaks at how sad he looks all of a sudden. "Something happened," he mumbles, rubbing his thumb over his wrist. "And I couldn't stay in Sydney anymore. I needed to get away." He looks up, smiling absently when a shark swims close to the glass. "Cal and Mikey offered for me to come live with them, so I did." 

Luke doesn't press the matter, and Ashton relaxes slightly. They're quiet for a few moments, watching the fish swim around. Ashton's thumb still strokes over his wrist. 

Eventually, Luke takes his hand, turning his arm so that his wrist is facing up. Ashton's breath catches when Luke gently drags his fingers over the intricate designs of the ink on Ashton's arm. He pauses for a split second on the heart beat pressed stark against where Ashton's pulse beats, able to feel the few raised lines that etch into the fragile skin. He doesn't comment on it, merely moves on to the flower in the crook of Ashton's elbow. 

"Which one is your favorite?" he whispers, looking up at Ashton. The blue of his eyes is electric in the dim light. 

Ashton swallows, his pulse picking up. He knows Luke can feel it, and that makes his stomach knot even more. "There's two on my shoulder," he says, his voice just barely trembling, "and another on my hip. Those ones mean the most to me." 

Luke shifts closer, his eyes stuck on Ashton's face. "Can I see them?" His breath is hot where it brushes against Ashton's skin. 

Ashton closes his eyes, his resolve weakening even further. Panicking, he throws up another wall. "Maybe someday," he mumbles, and his voice doesn't come out nearly as clipped as he'd hoped it would. Instead, it sounds unbearably fond and just a little detached.

He doesn't give himself time to think about that.

***

They do a few more things after that, and Luke is way too happy to play tour guide. He points out the major hotels and casinos as they drive down the Strip, the windows down and Fall Out Boy on the radio. The sun's starting to set, the sky streaking with brilliant oranges and pale reds.

"How old are you?" Luke asks after a while of comfortable silence, his arm propped against the open window. The sun perfectly outlines his silhouette, and the sheer beauty of him takes Ashton's breath away. 

Ashton's kind of surprised this question hasn't come up earlier, in all honestly. "I'm 25," he says, leaning against the door. 

Luke nods, hands flexing on the steering wheel. "I'm 23," he offers up his own fact, glancing at Ashton from the corner of his eye. He doesn't give Ashton time to ask his own question, immediately launching into his next one. "Did you go to school? Like, college or university or whatever it is you call it?" 

Ashton laughs at that, looking at his fingers. "Yeah, I have my masters degree in English." 

Luke jerks, looking at him with wide eyes. Luckily they're stopped at a red light, or else Ashton's sure Luke would've slammed on the brakes too. "You're an English major?" He looks awed, only somewhat snapping out of his trance when the light turns green. 

Ashton raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? Is that special?" 

Luke blushes, looking away. "Sorry, I just really love books." 

Ashton nods. "So you work in a bookstore." 

Luke bites his lip. "Yeah." He suddenly looks shy, his cheeks reddening. When he speaks, his words are muffled, like he doesn't want Ashton to hear. "My stage name comes from a book." 

Ashton's lips part, his eyes on Luke's face. "What?" 

Luke's cheeks darken further. "My stage name. Achilles Johnson. Johnson is just a random name I thought of, but–" He cuts himself off, sucking his lipring into his mouth. "Achilles is from a book. Kind of. You know the book you got from Cal's shop? The Song of Achilles? It comes from there." 

Ashton frowns, leaning forward. He's just recently finished the book, and he can think of a million reasons as to why Luke would choose that name. "Why?" 

Luke sighs, glancing at Ashton before looking back at the road. They're close to the apartments. "Achilles is the best of all Greeks. The golden boy. And I'm– that's what I am at the Burlesque Lounge." 

He doesn't sound very pleased by that, his eyes taking on a pained look that has Ashton bristling. He doesn't want to push, but something tells him Luke needs to talk about this. "How long have you been working there?" 

Luke grips the steering wheel tighter. "Over four years," he says quietly, though with the radio off and Ashton's breathing silent, it sounds like a shout. 

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but why do you?" Ashton turns to look at him better, watching Luke's jaw clench. 

He sighs, turning into the garage of his apartment, pulling into the spot he was in earlier. He doesn't move to leave the car, and neither does Ashton. 

"At first it was just for the money," he starts, his voice just barely wobbling. "I've been working at _Bound to Please_ since I was 18. Calum took over from the owner a year or so ago, and either way it wasn't enough for me to pay for my shitty flat." He blinks back tears, and Ashton's heart breaks. "I needed money, I was fresh on my own, so my friend told me about the lounge. I didn't care at first, and it had a good pay, so I was happy." 

He turns to look at Ashton, and the pain in his eyes is so overwhelming. "You have to understand, Ash," he says, his voice desperate. "Burlesque isn't inherently sexual. It's supposed to be theatrical and funny and not like stripping. And that's what I did my first year or so, just the the small skits that made the audience laugh." He stops, sucks in a shaky breath. "And then, one of my bosses, Jones, not Serenity, took notice of me. And not– not in a good way." 

Ashton's reminded of Damien, the way Luke says that, and he feels sick to his stomach. "Luke..." 

"He said I was way too pretty to be wasting my time on those skits," Luke continues, acting like Ashton hadn't spoken. "He said I should be on stage with no clothes on, letting them see how pretty my body was." He shivers in disgust, his hands curling into fists. "He told me I'd have to do the more sexual skits, or he'd fire me, and I was still so desperate for money that I had to agree. He made me sign a contract, that I can't quit or leave or try and do anything else until I was 24." 

Ashton's mind continues to flash with images of Damien's smirk, his cocky grin, and his heart aches for Luke. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, reaching out to touch Luke's hands. 

Luke's face crumples, and the tears that have been shining in his eyes suddenly spill over. "Why me?" he chokes out, his fingernails digging into his palms. "Why does it have to be _me_?" 

Ashton's heart breaks even more, and he carefully pulls Luke across the the center console to situate the younger man on his lap. He lets Luke sob into his shirt, just wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his back. 

It kills him that's Luke's been treated like this, like he's some kind of sex slave that's only good for his body. He feels the urge to kill this Jones man, and his anger settles in his veins, to be dealt with later. He doesn't want to add to the mess. 

"Sh, sweetheart," he murmurs in Luke's ear, kissing his temple. "It's okay, just let it all out." 

Luke pulls himself tighter against Ashton's chest, his sobs slowing until he's just silently crying, his shoulders still trembling and his face still tucked against Ashton's neck. Ashton doesn't mind the wetness he can feel against his skin. 

He detaches one of Luke's hands from his shirt long enough to thread their fingers together, rubbing his thumb over Luke's knuckles. "I know how it feels," he murmurs, "to be treated like you're nothing more than the body you're attached to." Damien's voice drifts in his mind. "Like you have nothing to offer other than how pleasing you can be. And they're _wrong_ , Luke. You're so much more than that. You're so much more than just a person to ogle, you're so much more than your job. You're a person, Luke, and I'm so sorry that people treat you like you aren't." 

Luke's quiet for a moment, before he pulls back and looks at Ashton. His cheeks are wet with tears and his eyes are red. "What happened to you, Ash?" he asks quietly, tightening his grip on Ashton's hand. 

Ashton smiles sadly, pushing Luke's hair from his eyes. "Doesn't matter," he whispers, ignoring Luke's protests. "Wanna head up and watch a movie maybe? To get your mind off things?" 

Luke nods slowly, rubbing his eyes. He opens the door and steps out, pulling Ashton out after him. He locks the car, and with their hands still clasped together, they walk up to Luke's apartment. 

Luke doesn't talk, even when they close the door to the apartment behind them, and Ashton knows he has to be exhausted. He makes Luke sit on the couch, going into the kitchen to try and find a bottle of water. It takes him a few minutes, but he finds one buried in the back of the fridge.

When he walks back into the living room, Luke's cuddled into a nest of blankets, the TV on and showing the title screen of Burlesque. Ashton snorts, handing Luke the water bottle and kicking his shoes off, climbing into the blanket nest when Luke lifts up the corner in invitation. 

"Thought you said this movie doesn't do burlesque justice," he says, holding in his laughter. Luke shrugs, curling up next to him and resting his head on Ashton's chest. Strangely, Ashton doesn't mind the closeness. He refuses to think about what that means. 

"It does some justice. And you've never seen it, so." Luke presses play, and then puts the remote down, fisting his hand in Ashton's shirt. Ashton wraps one arm around him, playing with his hair. 

Ashton loves the movie, honestly. It's broken by Luke's comments on what's real or not real, and Ashton finds that amusing. He likes the music, and he's always been a sucker for Christina Aguilera, so it's a win-win situation. 

When the movie ends, and Ashton turns to ask Luke a question, he finds Luke asleep, his ear resting over Ashton's heart and his mouth parted around gentle snores. Ashton's heart swells in affection, and try as he might to get it to go away, it doesn't. 

He's not sure he completely wants it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** possible depression themes 
> 
> _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

Luke slowly becomes a regular fixture in their lives. He's been friends with both Michael and Calum for a while now, but now that he and Ashton are friends too, he's accepted without a second thought. Ashton's glad of it. Every second he spends with Luke pulls his walls further and further down, leaving him more and more vulnerable to the younger man. It doesn't scare him as much as it did, the butterflies he feels in his stomach whenever Luke looks at him, and he knows that he will never let it escalate into love, but for now, it's perfect. 

They're in Luke's living room, a movie playing on the big TV and every available surface covered in snacks. They've been here for hours already, laughing and talking the night away, until it became 2 am and Ashton was falling asleep against Luke's chest. 

That's another thing that's been accepted without a second thought. Ashton and Luke have become so open with each other, always touching in some way. They're almost exactly like Calum and Michael, except without the kisses, and Ashton determinedly doesn't think about what that could mean. 

Voices near him rouse him from sleep, though his heavy eyes refuse to open. He doesn't even know if he's really awake, anyways, caught on the cusp of consciousness and unconsciousness. He nuzzles deeper into the body he's pressed against, pleased when arms wrap tighter around his waist. 

"I'm glad he's so open with you," a voice that sounds suspiciously like Calum's whispers from somewhere behind him. He doesn't know if it's actually Calum, or if it's a dream manifestation. 

A hand brushes through his hair. "Is he okay?" Luke's voice sounds worried. Ashton's sleep hazed brain can't figure out why. 

"No," Calum says honestly. "He hasn't been okay for a while. I don't think he'll be okay any time soon." 

Luke exhales shakily against the top of his head. Ashton feels like he should open his eyes and participate in this conversation, but the exhaustion hanging over him prevents him from doing so. "He always looks so sad," Luke whispers painfully, his lips brushing the skin of Ashton's forehead. A shiver shoots down Ashton's spine. "What– what happened to him?" 

There's a pause, and then a sigh, and when someone talks, Ashton is vaguely surprised that it's Michael. "Something bad, Lu. I don't even think we know the whole story, just what his mom told us when he moved out here. But it– it broke him. It's the reason he left Sydney." 

Calum speaks very quietly. "The one thing we know, and the one thing I'll tell you, is that what happened is not all that different from what Jones has done to you. Or wanted to do, I should say." 

Luke stiffens, pulling Ashton impossibly closer, his arms tightening protectively. "He said that he knew how it felt, people just wanting him for his body, but I'd hoped it wasn't real..." He trails off, and Ashton can feel his eyes on his face. 

Michael sighs sadly, the rustling of the blanket around him suggesting he's shifting around. "The kid that did it really hurt him, Luke. Really fucked him up. You'll have to hear the story from him, but I'm just– I'm so glad that he let you in. He doesn't do that often, not anymore. Be glad of it." 

"I am," Luke murmurs, his lips pressing into Ashton's hair. Ashton can't help the small sigh of content, his cheek rubbing against Luke's shirt when he snuggles closer. 

Luke's mouth quirks into a smile against his skin, his thumb slowly stroking over the small patch of skin where Ashton's shirt has ridden up. He's so comfortable, and the warmth of Luke's body feels so good, he doesn't feel like he can be blamed when the exhaustion pulls on him again. 

"I'll take care of him," Luke murmurs, stroking Ashton's hair with one hand. 

Ashton slips back into sleep before anyone can reply.

***

"All I'm saying is that you haven't exactly been the best tour guide, Cal."

"Excuse you, Lucas! I am the best tour guide! We showed him the Bellagio!" 

"Yeah, only like, _two_ rooms in it."

"Yeah? And what did you show him, hmm?" 

"The Shark Reef. And we drove the entire Strip, and I pointed out where everything is." 

"That doesn't make you a better tour guide!" 

"Does so!" 

Ashton snorts to himself, keeping his eyes on the book in front of him. They're back in the book store, him and Calum and Luke, even though it's close to closing, and he's leaning up against the counter, reading a book from the series Luke has recommended to him. Ignite Me, is what the book is called, and Ashton finds himself getting sucked even more into the world of Warner and Adam and Juliette. 

"Ashton, tell him I'm a better tour guide than he is!" 

Ashton doesn't have to look up to know Calum's pouting, and he rolls his eyes, turning the page in his book. "Girls, girls, you're both pretty and he doesn't deserve either of you," he says dryly, shaking his head. "Does it really matter who's a better tour guide?" 

"That's your way of saying Luke's better," Calum grumps, turning and disappearing up the stairs to his office before Ashton can reply. 

When Ashton looks up, he finds Luke staring at him with wide eyes, a small smile growing on his face. Ashton raises an eyebrow. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

Luke shakes his head, stepping forward and wrapping his arm around Ashton's waist. "No reason," he mumbles, leaning against Ashton's shoulder. "You just made a joke, that's all." 

Ashton pulls Luke closer to his side, his hand splaying out over Luke's ribs. When he speaks, his words are muffled by Luke's hair. "Is that good?" 

Luke nods, nuzzling into Ashton's neck. His arms completely wrap around Ashton, hands dusting in the back of his shirt. "You're talking more, and laughing and smiling and joking around and it's just–" He cuts himself off, a blush staining his cheeks an adorable shade of red. "You're getting better, I think. You're more happy. And that makes me happy." He shrugs, trying to make it casual, but the bright gleam of his eyes gives him away. 

Ashton exhales slowly, his hand flexing against Luke's side. His cheek presses against the top of Luke's head, his thumb caught in the pages of his book, his heart stuttering in his chest. His brain wheels desperately to make sense of things, even though everything's laid out clear in front of him. 

He knows Luke's right; he's been happier lately, opening up more to the people around him. Bennett had commented on it yesterday, when he'd walked into the store to find Ashton humming along to the radio with a bright smile on his face, and now Luke is too, telling him everything he's ever needed to hear. He's getting better, one tiny step at a time, and he has no idea if it's because of Las Vegas, or because the memory of Damien is fading more and more with each day, or because of Luke and his beautiful smile and kind eyes. It could be any one of those, or a mixture of all three, though privately, Ashton thinks that Luke is the reason that stands out the most. 

He hasn't brought up what he heard the other night, when he was half-asleep and hugged tightly to Luke's chest. Luke hasn't either, and suddenly he's struck with the desire to lay himself bare in front of Luke, to let Luke know of the weight that sits on his shoulders. He desperately wants to let Luke in, all the way, tell him about the secrets in Ashton's blood and the meaning behind the tattoos covering Ashton's skin. His broken, empty heart gives a weak thump at the thought, and for once, loving Luke doesn't feel so impossible. 

He doesn't say any of his thoughts out loud, just turns his head and presses his lips to Luke's hairline. Luke sighs, relaxing more against him, his body going limp against Ashton's chest. Ashton laughs quietly, running his hand up Luke's back. 

"Read to me?" Luke asks quietly, his nose brushing the side of Ashton's neck. It's unbearably sweet and intimate, Luke's voice soft in the quiet of the bookstore, his warm body pressed close to Ashton's. Ashton's heart aches for a short moment. 

He doesn't question that Luke's already read this book, just opens to where he left off and starts reading, his words pressed into the top of Luke's head. Luke's eyelashes flutter against the skin of his neck, his breath evenly fanning over Ashton's collarbones. The world seems to stop except for the two of them, everything else ceasing to exist in the moment where they're heart-achingly close to each other. 

The moment is ruined, however, by Michael pushing open the door to the bookstore, shouting out Calum's name before he leans against the front of the counter. He doesn't even question how close Luke and Ashton are, just looks at them and asks, "Do you guys want to go out tonight?" 

Ashton raises an eyebrow, slipping his bookmark between the pages of the book, pulling Luke closer. "Where?" is all he asks, and he can sense the mild surprise from Michael. 

"Anywhere but the lounge," Calum says from above them, leaning over the banister outside of his office. "We've been there too many times, and I'm pretty sure Jones is there tonight." 

Luke stiffens up a little bit at the name, while Ashton protectively huddles him even _closer_ , growling a little bit under his breath. Michael shakes his head firmly, resting one hand on top of Luke's on the counter. "No way are we going there," he says, looking up at Calum. "How about that new club that's not too far from here? We haven't been there." 

Calum nods a little, walking down the stairs. "I'm alright with that. Ash? Luke? You guys in?" 

Ashton looks down at Luke, finding the younger man already looking at him, his big blue eyes wide and questioning. Luke quirks an eyebrow, asking a silent question, and Ashton sighs, looking back up at Michael. 

"Yeah, we're in," he says, and Michael cheers a little bit. Ashton can't quite help the feeling that he's going to regret this decision.

***

The club isn't packed, which is a surprise in itself given that it's late on a Friday night. There's still more people than Ashton's comfortable with, but Luke's right beside him, and he knows Calum and Michael will refuse to let him out of their sights unless they know he's okay. He'll be fine.

They're sitting in a both, sipping from bottles of beer, the pink strobe lights casting irregular patterns over their faces. The music thumps through their bodies, the drums beating into Ashton's blood. Luke's curled close to Ashton's side, his wide gaze taking in the club around him. Ashton has the feeling he has little experience with clubs, excluding the Burlesque Lounge. He looks a little overwhelmed, exactly how Ashton feels, but Ashton swings an arm around his shoulders, kissing his hair in a silent comfort. Luke relaxes back against him. 

"How's the music store going?" Michael asks – or rather shouts, fighting to be heard over the pounding bass of the music. The DJ's got it turned all the way up, letting the beat move through all the people on the dance floor. 

Ashton takes another drink from his beer, tossing his head back so the bitter liquid slides right down. "Pretty good," he yells back. "Bennett lets me play the drum set." 

Calum nods, knowing the weight of what that means. "Is that girl still flirting with you?" he asks loudly. 

Luke stiffens, his nose wrinkling up as he grabs at Ashton's hand. The jealousy is clear on his face, how he holds tight to Ashton, snuggling further back against him. Ashton grins, quickly pressing his lips to the shell of Luke's ear. "Yeah, she hasn't given up," he says, a momentary lapse in the music giving him the opportunity to speak normally. "She doesn't seem to understand that she's too young and that I'm gay anyways."

Luke snorts, cradling his drink in his hands. "Not your type, huh?" 

"Nah," Ashton shakes his head, his smile curling his lips. "She isn't." 

Luke hides his grin in his drink, taking a long sip. Michael rolls his eyes at them, sliding his hand into Calum's and tugging him to his feet. "C'mon losers, we're dancing," he says, not giving them the time to argue. Ashton just shakes his head, helping Luke stand up. 

Michael leads them to the dance floor, weaving into the moving bodies until he comes across a small spot in which nobody is standing. He spins around, tugging Calum into his chest, holding him by the hips. "You two get to be together!" he shouts, winking at Ashton before the crowd swallows the two of them. 

Ashton raises an eyebrow, shaking his head fondly. Luke looks shy when Ashton turns back to him, his feet turned into each other and his shoulders hunched forward, hands clasped behind his back. It still amazes Ashton how Luke can be so tall and broad and confident when he needs to be, but still look so small and fragile. 

"Do you– I mean can we– are we– can we, like, you know... dance?" he asks, tripping over his words, his cheeks red under the lights. He's the cutest thing Ashton's ever seen. 

Ashton laughs lightly, stepping forward and placing his hands on Luke's hips, pulling him close. "Of course, Luke," he whispers in his ear, kissing his cheek. 

Luke smiles, his arms wrapping around Ashton's shoulders, stepping forward to press their bodies together. Their foreheads lean against the other's, the air between them hot with their breaths and the intensity of the moment. Luke's eyes are electric blue under the lights, so very bright and alive that Ashton's blood thrums in his veins. He's so beautiful, so gorgeous and stunning and Ashton's breath is knocked out of his lungs by the boy in front of him. 

There's so much he wants to say to Luke, so much he needs the younger man to know. _I know I'm not exactly the best match for you, I know I've got too much baggage and that you probably won't want to spend time fixing me, but I do think you're amazing. I'm not what you deserve, but damn, you've turned my entire world upside down in a few months, as cliche as that is._

He can't say any of that, not yet, not when his lips refuse to shape the words and his head refuses to let him try. His heart screams at him to do it, to let go of the past and open himself to Luke, but he can't. He doesn't know when he'll be able to. 

"I'm glad you're my friend," he whispers instead, close enough to Luke's ear that he can hear it. He knows that Luke can sense the meaning behind it, even if he doesn't understand it. 

Luke doesn't say anything, just drops his head onto Ashton's shoulder, pressing himself closer. Ashton turns his nose into Luke's hair, breathing in the sweet smell of his skin. The moving bodies around them do nothing to stop them from just gently holding onto each other. There are eyes burning into Ashton's back, and it makes his skin crawl in an all too familiar way, but he refuses to let go of Luke to turn around and see who it is. He manages to push the thought out of his head when Michael and Calum come crashing back through the crowd. 

"I have to go pee," Michael announces, giggling helplessly. The alcohol's affected him a little bit more, enough to make his eyes hazy and his movements clumsy. Calum snorts, pulling Michael safely against his side. 

Luke rolls his eyes, stepping back a little from Ashton. Ashton can't help the cold feeling that spreads over his body. "Go to the bathroom, then," he says, shaking his head exasperatedly. 

Michael beams, swaying a little bit in Calum's hold when he reaches forward to pat Luke's cheek. "You're right!" He turns to Calum, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek before he turns around and disappears into the crowd again. 

Calum sighs fondly, the bright gleam of his eye the only indication that there's alcohol in his system. "He's a mess, honestly. Hey, I'm going to go grab us some drinks, I'll be right back." 

"I can do it," Ashton offers, stopping Calum from moving. "I was about to go grab myself a water, I can get it for you." 

Calum frowns, concerned. "Are you sure? I don't want to make you." 

Ashton smiles reassuringly, squeezing his shoulder. "Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be right back, guys." 

Before Calum can make another protest, Ashton turns around and shoulders his way through the crowd; Calum and Luke stay where they are. 

The hyper-awareness that someone is staring at him kicks back up, more strongly than before. It makes him self-conscious, nervous in a particular way he hasn't felt in a long time. He shivers, despite the heat inside the club, and he hurries towards the bar, hoping to get the drinks and be back to his friends as quickly as possible. 

"Three beers and a bottle of water, please," he tells the bartender when he reaches her, anxiously drumming his fingers over the polished wood of the bar. The feeling of being watched intensifies more, until it feels like he can't escape it. 

Just as the drinks get placed in front of him, a hand catches his wrist, squeezing tight around it. Ashton turns around with a smile on his face, expecting to see Luke standing behind him, but the smile drops and his blood runs cold at the sight of the man. 

It's Damien.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> this is by far the angstiest chapter of this fic. major trigger warnings apply, especially all of the ones on the list. please be careful reading this! (and on the bright side, for the most part, things are uphill from here.)
> 
>  **(MAJOR) POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** descriptions of past sexual assault, descriptions of violence and bullying, depression themes, implied past self-harm, boys kissing 
> 
> _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

Luke keeps his eyes on Ashton's back until the older man is too far away from him. There's a feeling of dread pooling in his stomach, that he shouldn't have let Ashton out of his sight, but he forces himself to ignore it, hoping it's not anything to worry about. 

"How are things going with you and Ash?" Calum yells over the music, their heads bent close together. 

Luke shrugs, casting a glance back to where the bar is. "Pretty good," he shouts back. "He's opening up more. I think I'm helping." 

Calum grins at him, laying a hand on Luke's shoulder. "You are. You're so good for him. I haven't seen him this happy since Damien." 

Luke's never heard the name, though the way Calum says the name tells him that it brings terrible memories. He wonders what that name means to Ashton, and he's sick with the sudden thought that maybe Damien is the reason Ashton is so broken. He feels the urge to find the older man and bundle him up against his chest, never let him go until all his smiles are genuine and the pain has faded from his eyes. 

"I just want him to let me in," he says honestly, though the beat is so loud he's not sure Calum hears it. He knows Calum's figured out what Ashton means to Luke, and what Luke hopefully means to Ashton. He's not all that sure that Ashton himself has figured it out though. 

Calum tightens the hand left on his shoulder reassuringly, smiling brightly. "He will," he says, giving away that he'd heard. "Eventually, at his own pace, he'll tell you everything." His smile dims slightly, stepping forward so that he and Luke are nose to nose. "But if you hurt him, or make him feel anything less than happy and content," he begins, his eyes dark and menacing, voice quiet despite the roar still around them, "I'm not afraid to hurt you. He's my best friend, and he's been through way too much shit for me to even think about letting you get away with things."

Luke swallows, vaguely terrified of the power he knows Calum has in him, of the danger that he pull out at a moment's notice. "I wouldn't dream of hurting him," he says quietly, staring into Calum's eyes. "He's become my entire world in only a few short months, Cal. I'm not going to mess that up." 

Calum relaxes, rubbing his arm gently. "Good. I wouldn't want to have to ever injure you. I'm oddly fond of you, you little brat." 

The mood's been lifted; Luke laughs, feeling his chest loosen up a bit, though the worry he feels for Ashton is still there. "Whatever you say, boss." He grins cheekily. 

Calum snorts, opening his mouth to reply, but Michael crashes back through the surrounding people at that very moment. "Come with me," he pants, grabbing onto both of their hands and dragging them through the crowd. He looks frantic, his green eyes wide and scared and his hair in such a disarray Luke's certain he's almost pulled it all out. He's leading them in the direction of the bar, in the direction of _Ashton_ , and Luke feels a sick sense of dread spread through his stomach. 

"Mikey, what's going on?" Calum asks, looking worried himself, just as they push free of the crowd. Then, his breath whooshes out of him, his mouth dropping in horror. "Oh, fuck." 

Luke doesn't understand, not until he looks in the direction Calum's hurrying towards, and his blood freezes. 

Ashton's trapped back against the wood of the bar, a man standing in front of him caging him in. Luke can't see him much, his dark clothing blending in with the surrounding club, and his back's to Luke anyways. That's not what Luke's preoccupied with, however. 

Ashton's got a look of pure terror on his face, his body leaning back as much as he can away from the man. His eyes are wide and wet, Luke can see as much even from his distance, and his teeth are clamped tight around his bottom lip. Luke curses shakily under his breath, seeing all of the happiness and peace having drained from Ashton's expression. Whoever this man is, he's going to pay for knocking Ashton down from the happiness he's felt. 

Michael's stalking towards the man, unadulterated fury and hatred taking over his features. "Damien," he snarls once he's within ear shot, and the man turns, allowing Luke to get a good look at him. 

He's got long, greasy black curls, reaching to just above his chin in his round face. He's not much taller than Luke, but he's got a lot less muscle on him. His eyes are cold and dark and grey, almost completely empty expect for the angry smugness hidden at the bottom. 

"Michael," he sneers, stepping slightly away from Ashton, but when the older man moves to break away, his hand shoots out to grab Ashton's shoulder. "Long time no see, huh?" 

Michael snaps at him, crossing his arms over his chest. Michael's not a small guy, in both height and muscles, and the way he's standing accents that. Calum stands at his shoulder, glaring at the man–Damien–with unabashed loathing. "If I'd gone my entire life without seeing your ugly mug, it would be too soon," Michael growls. 

Damien places a hand over his heart, a faux-wounded expression passing over his face. "And here I thought we were the best of friends." 

Calum's lip curls into a snarl, his eyes flashing with fire. "You broke my best friend," he hisses, tilting his chin up. "You nearly took him away from me, permanently. You were never any friend of ours." 

"Get away from Ashton," Michael snaps, moving forward but stopping when Damien's fingers grip tighter at Ashton's shoulder. Ashton whimpers, the tears that were in his eyes spilling over and pouring down his flushed cheeks. Luke's heart breaks, and before he can stop to think about it he's shoved Damien away from him, allowing Michael the opportunity to bundle Ashton protectively between him and Calum. 

"Don't do that," Damien whines, trying to grab at Ashton before Luke blocks him. Damien looks into his eyes, lips lifted in a sneer. "What, are you protecting him now? Trying to take what's mine?" 

"He is not, and never was, yours," Luke grits out, resisting the urge to ball his fist up and throw it at this bastard's nose. 

Damien smirks. "Oh, but he was." He raises his voice so that Ashton can hear him. "Remember that night, huh? It's such a shame I never got to see your pretty little body underneath me. You would've looked so good, honey, so good with my–" 

"Shut up!" Luke roars, squaring up to his full height. He feels sick to his stomach hearing this man speak, how he talks about Ashton like he's nothing more than a body to be fucked. He knows it's working Ashton up, as the older man's face is white and his hands are trembling. Michael and Calum are trying to comfort him, make him breathe and calm him down, but nothing's working. 

"You're a bastard," Luke scowls, stepping into Damien's space. "You're nothing more than scum and it's making me sick just looking at you. Get out of here, and stay away from Ashton."

"You think you're better than me, don't you?" Damien shouts when Luke turns his back to him. "You think you're so great, you prissy little _bitch_ –" 

He has no idea what Damien says next, because Michael rushes forward to drag the vile man away, snapping at him. Luke doesn't care anyways, more preoccupied with the broken man in front of him. 

Ashton collapses into his arms the second he opens them, fisting his shirt as he withers away into tears, screaming out against Luke's collarbone. Luke's heart shatters, his arm wrapping securely, protectively around Ashton's waist, his other hand gently cupping the back of his head. He makes soft shushing noises, trying in vain to calm Ashton down, but the older man is trembling and shaking and crying so badly Luke's afraid he'll make himself sick. 

"We need to get him out of here." Luke looks up, taking in Calum's grim face. He knows more about this than Luke does, more about who Damien is and what he's done, so his face is pale and his eyes are haunted. "Being here isn't going to help him," he continues, grabbing Luke's arm and softly touching Ashton's back. 

Luke nods, starting to walk backwards with Ashton still clinging to his chest. He manages to get them to the door with no mishaps, keeping Ashton tucked against his shirt as they step outside. 

Michael's leaning against the wall, casually holding his bruised and bloody knuckles to his chest. Damien's nowhere to be seen, the triumphant expression evidence on his face. It changes, however, into a look of horror when he takes in Ashton. 

"Shit," he exclaims, pushing off the wall. "We need to get him home, now." 

They hurry to where Michael parked his car, Ashton's cries leading them on. Michael quickly unlocks the doors, helping Luke get Ashton into the backseat before he slides in himself, tugging Ashton closer again.

His tears have escalated into a full panic attack, his chest heaving as he fights for breath. Calum looks terrified, reaching back to place one hand on Ashton's calf and rub it soothingly. Luke pulls him closer, knowing how to deal with this from his own panic attacks. 

"I need you to breath, baby," he coos, pushing Ashton's hair away from his forehead. His eyes are dazed, mouth parted around the desperate breaths he keeps trying to drag in. One hand is clutching tight to Luke's shirt, the other clawing at his own chest. Luke kisses his forehead, huddling him closer. "You're safe, sweetheart, I promise you're safe. He's gone, he's not going to hurt you. It's okay, baby. Can you breath with me? Can you match my breathing?" 

He breathes in exaggeratedly slow and deep, pleased when Ashton manages a jerky nod. It takes them a while, the entirety of the twenty minute drive home, to get Ashton's breathing under control, but by the time they pull up in front of the apartment building, he's breathing again, if a little fast. Luke kisses the top of his head, rubbing his back softly. 

"Up to his room," Calum instructs gently, wrapping his arm around Ashton's waist on his other side and helping Luke get him to the elevator. Ashton's quiet, clinging to Luke, his eyes drooping with exhaustion. 

Michael looks worried, and a little guilty, but he doesn't say anything, just presses the button to the fourth floor and lets the door close. He presses a hand to Ashton's shoulder, softly rubbing his thumb along the back of the older man's neck. 

When the elevator opens, Ashton presses closer to Luke's chest, tightening the arms he has wrapped around his waist. His breathing spikes a little bit, but Luke coos at him, rubbing his back softly until it's evened out once more. He leads Ashton from the elevator, letting Calum and Michael walk in front of him to get to their apartment. They unlock the door quickly, stepping back to let Luke and Ashton into the apartment. 

It's the first times Luke's ever been here, but he can't appreciate the decor around him. There's no time for that, not now. He steps further into what he assumes is the living room, expecting Ashton to let go of him and move to the couch, but Ashton stays tight against Luke's chest. 

Luke sighs, kissing the top of his head, looking up at Calum when he and Michael walk into the room. "I should probably go," he whispers. "You guys know how to best help him." 

Calum opens his mouth, whether to agree or disagree Luke's not sure, but Ashton lets out a wail that interrupts him. He crushes himself against Luke's body, shaking his head back and forth vehemently. "You can't leave," he whimpers. He sounds so broken and vulnerable, a complete opposite of the Ashton Luke's come to know in the past few months, the one who keeps his emotions under tight wraps and hates showing what he thinks is weakness. "Don't leave me, I need you, please don't go, _please_ –" 

He's slowly working himself into hysterics, his tears starting once again. Calum looks stunned, his eyes wide and mouth open, but Luke pays him no mind. He slides one hand into Ashton's hair, pressing his lips to the older man's forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, baby," he coos, holding Ashton tightly. "Not if you don't want me to. I'm not going to leave you, okay?" 

Ashton nods shakily, his hands fisted in the back of Luke's shirt. He doesn't say anything else, just keeps himself pressed as close as he can be. Michael exhales, stepping forward to run his hand over Luke's shoulder. 

"His room is the first door on the left," he says, low enough that Ashton can't hear him. He sighs, affectionately touching Ashton's cheek, a sad expression in his eyes. He looks back up at Luke, offering him a small smile. "Take care of him," he whispers. 

Luke nods, huddling Ashton closer to him. "I promise." 

Michael nods, slipping his arm around Calum's waist as they walk down the hallway. Both of them look like the night has aged them twenty years, a weary weight in their walk, and Luke feels a stab of sympathy. They've been Ashton's comfort and support for years, and seeing him like this must hurt them ten times worse than it hurts Luke. 

He sighs, slipping his arm up around Ashton's shoulders, gently beginning to pull him in the direction of his room. Ashton goes willingly, still clinging to Luke's shirt, his feet stumbling, though he doesn't look up; he trusts Luke enough to get him safely into his room. 

Luke slowly pushes open the door, ushering the older man inside before he closes the door with a soft thud behind him. Ashton looks so lost, standing in the middle of his room, his lip bitten raw and his arms protectively wrapped around his stomach. This is not the Ashton Luke's come familiar with. This is the man left broken by whatever that bastard Damien did, and Luke hates the man who did this more than anything. 

He doesn't show it though, because he's scared that it'll terrify Ashton more. He just steps forward, placing a hand on the small of Ashton's back. "Want to get into bed, baby?" he whispers, keeping his voice as gentle and soothing as he can. "Snuggle, maybe? Or fall asleep?" 

Ashton nods silently, turning away from Luke for a short second as he grabs two pairs of sweatpants from the drawer behind him. Shyly, he passes one into Luke's hand, holding the other against his chest while he stares at the floor. Luke understands what he wants, chastely kissing Ashton's forehead before he slips into the bathroom to change, giving Ashton the privacy he needs. 

He goes as slow as possible, trying to give Ashton the time to be alone and maybe gather his thoughts without Luke practically breathing down his neck. He unbuttons his jeans and unzips his fly, tugging them down his thighs. The rough material burns against his sensitive skin, though he pushes through it. Slipping the jeans off his legs completely, followed by his socks, he tugs the sweatpants on. They're soft and worn, just slightly too short at the ankles, but they carry a faint catch of Ashton's scent, and he feels immediately at home. 

When he steps back into Ashton's room, the older man is curled up under the sheets in his bed, only his eyes able to seen above the top of the blanket. His hair curls over his forehead in such an innocent way Luke's heart twists in his chest. Wordlessly, Ashton holds the edge of the blanket up, inviting Luke into the warmth. 

"How are you feeling?" Luke asks carefully, climbing under the covers next to Ashton. 

Ashton shrugs. "A bit better," he says, his voice a little bit scratchy from the tears. He waits until Luke's situated himself comfortably before he's latching onto him again, arms winding around his waist and head automatically nestling into his neck. 

Luke relaxes, wrapping one arm around Ashton's shoulders, the other gently holding his waist. Ashton sighs against his neck, his mouth turning into a small frown. 

"I'm assuming you want to know about what happened," he mumbles, sounding way too vulnerable and way too uncomfortable. 

Luke shakes his head lightly, rubbing Ashton's back. "Only when, and if, you want to. I don't need to know if it's going to hurt you to tell me." 

Ashton sighs again, biting his lip. "But it would probably be better. If you knew, I mean. Like, for both of us. You'd know why I'm so fucked up, why I need fixing." 

"Hey," Luke gently admonishes, pulling back to look at him. "You're not fucked up. You're not damaged goods or messed up or anything that you think you are." He cups Ashton's cheek, looking into his eyes. "You don't need to be fixed, Ash," he murmurs, stroking the line of Ashton's cheekbone. "You're not broken in the first place." 

Ashton's eyes swim with tears, the pain on his face so intense Luke's heart aches. "Then what am I?" he chokes out, his voice wobbly. 

Luke kisses his forehead gently, feeling Ashton's eyelashes flutter against his jaw. "A survivor," he mumbles against the warm skin. "You went through a traumatic experience, and you're still here. You're still living and breathing and doing everything you did. You're so amazingly strong, Ash, and you don't see it, but I do." 

Ashton draws in a shaky breath, his hand tightening in Luke's shirt. He doesn't say anything for a long time, but when he finally does talk, it's not in reply to what Luke's said. 

"Up until uni," he says, his voice quiet, "I was always the happy kid. Loud, loved helping others, always had a smile." He snorts, though it's heavy, and his eyes don't move from where they've fixated on the wall. "That's how I met Mike and Cal, actually. I stood up for Cal when he was getting bullied and now I can't get rid of him." 

He sighs, closing his eyes briefly. "Not to sound like I'm bragging or trying to make myself sound amazing, but I was liked by a lot of people. Everyone knew me or knew of me, and I had a lot of friends." He pauses for a moment, before he slowly continues. "I was openly gay, too. And yeah, some people didn't like it, but most people were accepting and didn't care. It was great, you know? School of my dreams, majoring in something I loved, surrounded by people who made me happy." His breath catches. "Then I met Damien." 

Luke makes a sound of distaste at the name, causing a shadow of a smile to pass over Ashton's face. It falls away quickly, the ghost of his memories washing back over him. His eyes look haunted, hands gripping Luke fiercely, like he's afraid whatever is in his mind will take Luke away. 

"At first, he was amazing. We were just friends for a while, long enough for him to be my best friend. Mike and Cal had just recently moved out here, and it was nice to have someone else there for me. I started liking him not much longer, but as far as I knew he was straight, and I doubted he'd ever go for me anyways. Turns out he wasn't though, straight I mean, and he asked me out on a date." He blows out a breath. "We started actually dating, and while he wasn't my first boyfriend, he felt– different, you know? There was something different about him. A different vibe, I guess. I didn't think it would be a bad vibe. I really didn't." 

Luke feels sick, listening to this. How Ashton was so bright, so happy, so trusting, and Damien crushed it to the ground with what he did. Once again, he feels a flash of hatred towards the man. 

"One night, a day after I finished my finals for my last year," Ashton whispers, quieter now, more pained, "I got home from work and found candles and flower petals everywhere, leading to my bedroom." He swallows. "Damien was lying on the bed completely naked, waiting for me. When I walked in, he sat up and told me he had made the perfect night for us to finally do– that." He sighs, closing his eyes. His expression is defeated, and when he speaks, he sounds distant. "We'd only been dating a few months, and not once had I felt the desire to go any further than kissing. That should've been my indication that I didn't like him as much as I thought I did, and I should've left before that, but I didn't. I told him I didn't want to do anything, and he–" He cuts off, choking on the word as tears start to run down his cheeks. 

Luke pulls him in tighter, rubbing his back gently. He kisses Ashton's forehead again and again, smoothing his hair from his eyes. "You don't have to go on," he whispers, knowing that this is hurting Ashton. 

"He decided that he didn't care what I wanted," Ashton continues, almost like he didn't hear Luke. He seems to be in a rush to get the rest of the story out. "He didn't– he didn't force himself on me, if that's what you're thinking. He tried to, though. Slapped me and pushed me on the bed and tried to do things but I kicked him in the balls and ran out." 

He shudders out a breath. "I stayed with my mom for a few months, trying to get my head together again. He didn't stop though." Luke almost snarls at that. Ashton doesn't pay attention to him. "He was constantly calling, texting, trying to get me to come back. But he didn't– he didn't want me back just because I'm me. He wanted sex, that's it. He wanted to fuck me and leave." 

He growls, and suddenly his face looks furious. "One time he got drunk and called me. Told me he'd never been with me because he wanted to be. I was a bet the entire time. _Get the magnificent Ashton Irwin to have sex with you and then humiliate him in front of everyone._ " He says it in a nasty, mocking voice. "Told me no one would ever like me for me, that my body was all anyone would ever want." 

He looks up at Luke, suddenly, his eyes dark. "He fucked me up, Luke," he says, almost desperately. "He's the reason I'm like this, he's why I refused to be touched and he's why I'm so anxious all the time. He's the reason for this," he runs his finger tips over his wrist, "and he's the reason I can't sleep. He's the reason for _everything_." 

He collapses down against Luke's chest after he's done, hiding his face in the fabric of his shirt. He's shaking, and there's tears soaking through to Luke's skin, but his grip is steady, and while his breathing is strained, he's not gasping for air. His body is tensed, and Luke has no doubts that he feels too exposed, vulnerable and weak with all his secrets laid out. 

Luke tightens his grip, and in an effort to make Ashton feel more comfortable, his lips part around his own secrets. "When I first moved here, the only friends I had were Jack and Ben," he murmurs, and he feels how Ashton stills to listen. "But they were both older, and they immediately met some kids. I didn't get to play with them much, since no one wanted to play with the little four-year-old." He laughs, though it sounds slightly strangled. "My parents enrolled me in preschool, and even though I was so young, school was hell. None of the kids liked me because of my accent, and because I never wanted to play with the boy things. I only liked the dolls and the glitter and everything meant for the girls." 

He looks down at Ashton, finding him looking back up with wide eyes. Luke knows his own story is nothing compared to Ashton's, but he hopes it'll distract him, or that it'll put him at ease with Luke laid bare too. "I grew up in a part of town where everyone knew each other," he continues, still with his eyes locked on Ashton's. "People were still mean, since they either knew me or had heard of me, and no one was welcoming to a kid who had such a foreign accent and was different than they were. It was mostly teasing and excluding me, though, since at that point no one ever wanted to get physical." 

He smiles a rueful half-smile. "Wish that was how kids where in middle and high school." 

Ashton frowns, cupping Luke's cheek, his thumb stroking over Luke's bottom lip. "What did they do?" he asks quietly. 

Luke shrugs, trying to downplay it; Ashton's frown deepens when he does. "It was mostly bruises, a few small scrapes at first. Nothing too big. Nobody knew how to fight back then." He exhales, his fingers flexing against Ashton's side. "High school was worse, since suddenly everyone was taller and had more muscles and knew how to actually throw a punch. I can't even count how many times I had to steal my brother's girlfriend's makeup to cover up a black eye." 

Ashton whines softly, his fingertips softly tracing the area around Luke's eye. His expression is pained, like he's imagining the skin marred with bruises. "They hurt you, just because you weren't born here?" He looks outraged now, almost like he's about to get up, find the boys who ever hurt Luke, and personally make them pay. 

Luke shakes his head. "It stopped being about that when I was in tenth grade." He sighs, turning his face into Ashton's hand, closing his eyes. "People at my school weren't as accepting as yours, Ash," he mumbles against Ashton's palm. "Not many people liked it when I came out. Mix that with me being a foreigner, along with the fact that I was doing better in grades than most everyone, and it was a recipe for disaster." 

He opens his eyes. "I didn't tell you this to make you upset or to make what you went through seem insignificant." His hand splays out over Ashton's lower back. "Now you know my story too, so please don't be embarrassed that I know yours." He leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to Ashton's forehead. "You made it through hell, babe," he whispers. "He's the one who's fucked up, not you. You're so strong, and I'm so, so proud of you." 

When he pulls back, Ashton's staring at him, his lips parted. His eyes are wide, an almost stricken expression on his face. He touches his fingers to Luke's cheek, murmuring a quiet "How are you doing this to me?" 

Although it's quiet enough that Luke is almost certain he wasn't meant to hear it, he still raises an eyebrow. "Doing what?" 

Ashton shakes his head distractedly, rolling them over and sitting on Luke's hips, his hands framing Luke's shoulders. Luke's surprised, but he doesn't stop Ashton when he gently strokes his knuckles down the line of Luke's throat. "You make me feel something. I don't know what it is, but–" He hesitates, his thumb brushing Luke's jaw. "I like it," he whispers. "I really like it." He looks unsure of himself, but he still opens his mouth and let's out a small "I really want to kiss you." 

Luke lets his hands fall to cup Ashton's hips. He feels unnaturally fragile beneath Luke's palms, but some of the fire is back in his eyes, and the ghost of a smile crosses his lips. "Are you sure?" he asks quietly. "You have to know by now that I'm completely enamored with you, but I don't want you to do something you feel like you have to." 

Ashton shakes his head vehemently, his fingers lightly digging into the skin of Luke's chest. "I don't feel like I have to. I _want_ to, Luke. I've wanted to for so long and it's about time I stopped letting Damien control what I do." 

Luke searches his face for any hint of doubt, but all he sees is quiet determination and something blazing in his eyes that he can't identify. Luke relaxes back against the pillows, nodding shortly. Ashton cups his cheek, slowly leaning down, giving Luke ample time to pull away. Not that he wants to. 

When their lips finally touch, Luke's brain whites out for a second. Ashton's fingers tighten on his jaw, his other hand sliding into the hair at Luke's temple. His lips part, his teeth gently nipping at Luke's bottom lip, tugging on his lip ring. Luke whimpers against his mouth, his hands sliding up Ashton's chest to grip his shoulders. 

When Ashton pulls away, there's a troubled expression on his face, though he doesn't shut Luke out. He looks like he's contemplating something, and Luke takes a wild guess and murmurs "I'm not like Damien. I'm not him." 

Ashton bites his lip, stroking Luke's jaw. "I know that," he whispers, "but I didn't think that _Damien_ was like that. I thought he was amazing, and I think you're amazing, too." He sighs. "I'm scared you're going to turn out like him. That it'll happen again." 

Luke shakes his head, wrapping his arms around Ashton's shoulders, drawing him down into a hug. Ashton wraps around him back, hiding his face in Luke's neck. Luke turns his nose into Ashton's hair. "It won't," he murmurs. "He was a disgusting bastard and you didn't deserve that. You're so much more than that, Ash, so much more than a bet or a fuck. I swear to you, baby, you're safe. Even if nothing happens between us, I will always make sure you are safe." 

Ashton pulls back to look at him. "But what if I want something to happen between us?" 

Luke shrugs, barely keeping in his smile. "Then something can happen, as long as you're comfortable. We'd do what you want, and go at whatever pace you like." 

Ashton worries at his lower lip, deep in thought. His hand presses to Luke's chest, his other curled into a loose fist. When he exhales, he relaxes, rolling off of Luke and pulling the younger man into his chest. Luke snuggles right in, nuzzling his nose against Ashton's collarbone. 

"Can we try?" Ashton mumbles into Luke's hair. "This. I want to try this. Us. And if it doesn't turn out right, I don't want to lose you. I never want to lose you." 

Luke smiles, gently kissing Ashton's pulse point. "You'll never lose me, I promise," he says quietly. "But of course. We can try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** mentions of past self-harm, mentions of past traumatic experiences, sexual assault
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website of circumstance

When Ashton wakes up in the morning, there's a weight pressing against his chest, and his nose is tucked into familiar, sweet-smelling hair. 

He doesn't move for a few minutes, content to bask in the warmth of the early morning sun, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on Luke's back. He doesn't want to think about how they got here, not quite yet, but he's not complaining. He quite likes how the starkness of his tattoos looks against Luke's soft skin, the creamy white a stark contrast against the rugged black. Absently, he wonders how Luke would look with tattoos twining his own skin. 

Luke shifts in his sleep, curling just a little bit closer, his hand gripping tighter to Ashton's shirt. His cheek rubs against Ashton's chest, his chin tilting up enough that Ashton can see the slight pout to his puffy lips, the kiss-bruised skin swollen and red. He murmurs something unintelligible, his leg hitching over Ashton's hip. 

Ashton sighs, bringing his hand up to cup Luke's face, thumb brushing over his bottom lip. A protective feeling swells his heart when Luke whimpers sleepily, hiding his face in Ashton's shirt, curling himself as small as he can. He's so soft and sweet, so beautiful and precious, and Ashton vows to protect him. No one is going to hurt his boy. Not even Damien. 

He sighs again, wrapping his arm tighter around Luke's waist, wary of every shadow in the room, like Damien hides within every one and is poised to take away the boy in his arms. 

His heart aches, the dried tear stains on his face catching his attention. He can't believe Damien's here, in the one place he felt safe, in the place he was finally starting to get comfortable in. He doesn't understand how, as Las Vegas is as far from Sydney as he can get. He doesn't know if Damien is just visiting, or if he came after Ashton when he escaped. 

He closes his eyes again, his head hitting the pillow. He never wanted to see Damien again, and he's here, in Ashton's city, probably planning all kinds of ways to make Ashton's life hell. His heart races with fear, especially since he isn't the only target this time. Michael and Calum were already gone when everything happened back in Sydney, but now they're here, and Damien knows who they are, and he's so scared Damien will hurt them. And Luke– god, _Luke_. 

Luke stood up for him last night, standing in between Damien and Ashton. He'd been the one to push Damien away, stood his ground and protected Ashton. Damien had to have taken note of that, and nausea unfurls in his stomach at the thought of Damien touching a hair on his boy's head. 

Luke's back arches in a stretch, breaking Ashton from his thoughts, and Ashton looks down to see Luke blinking open his eyes, the sleepy blue so gorgeous that Ashton's breath catches in his throat. Luke doesn't notice, too busy yawning and nuzzling Ashton's chest, letting out a content sigh. 

When it becomes clear Luke has every intention of falling back asleep, Ashton chuckles softly, running his fingers through Luke's hair. "Morning," he grins quietly, shifting to kiss Luke's forehead. 

Luke frowns, his eyes still closed. "Sleep," he mumbles, patting Ashton's face until he can put his hand over Ashton's mouth. "Tired." 

Ashton laughs again, kissing Luke's palm, trailing his finger tips along Luke's back under his shirt in a way that makes Luke shiver. "It's ten o'clock, Luke." 

Luke grumbles, peeking open one gorgeous eye to glare at Ashton. "And?" 

Ashton smiles fondly, slipping his hands around Luke's hips, pulling him up so he's sitting on Ashton's waist. Luke squeaks, his cheeks reddening, shyly looking down with his hands clenched in Ashton's shirt. Carefully, Ashton shifts up on the bed so that he's leaned against the headboard. 

Luke bites his lip, trailing his fingertips over the inked designs on Ashton's arms, so soft that Ashton can barely feel it. Luke traces the flower in the crook of Ashton's left elbow, his other hand pressing against the small crescent moon on the inside of Ashton's right bicep. When he runs out of tattoos, he pushes the sleeves of Ashton's shirt up, taking in the tattoos twining over his shoulders, the barely visible script scrawling over his shoulder blades. 

"What do they mean?" he asks quietly, raising his eyes to Ashton's. "All of them?" 

Ashton's mouth quirks up in a rueful half-smile. "If I were to tell you the story behind every single one," he whispers, "we'd be here for days. Which ones do you want to know about, love?" 

Luke hesitates, tracing the flower again. "What's this one for?" 

Ashton grins, looking down at the tattoo. "My sister loves flowers," he murmurs. "It's one of the things we have in common. Both of us have always helped Mum out in the garden, and both of us have always had an interest in flowers." He lifts a hand to brush his thumb over the tattoo, almost to catch the memories spilling out of the inked skin. "This is the first tattoo I ever got. Lauren chose it." 

Luke hums in acknowledgment, trailing his fingers down to the heartbeat stretching over Ashton's wrist. "And this one?" 

Ashton's smile falters a little, becoming quieter, more pained. "A heartbeat means that you're alive," he whispers, "and this wrist– it used to mean something that contradicted that. This tattoo is my reminder that no matter what, I still have a heartbeat, I'm still breathing, and that this wrist doesn't mean what it did before." 

Luke's looking at him with an awed expression when he raises his head, his eyes soft with wonder and his lips parted. "You're amazing," he whispers, leaning forward to gently press his forehead against Ashton's. "You're so strong and wonderful and beautiful, I don't understand _how_ –" He cuts himself off. "Can I kiss you?" 

A breath blows between them. And then, so softly that it's more of an imagined word, _"Yes."_

Luke's lips are soft and hesitant, molding to his in a way that makes the sun seem like nothing more than a dull match. His hands grip Ashton's shoulders, nails lightly digging into the skin, and the weight of him pressing into Ashton's lap is absolutely beautiful. _He's_ absolutely beautiful. He's sugar and cinnamon and a hint of spice all in one delicious flavor Ashton can't get enough of. The noises he makes, the feeling of his lips, it's all something Ashton never wants to give up. 

When he pulls away, Luke's eyes are glittering, the gorgeous blue so bright and happy that it takes Ashton's breath away. He smiles softly, his cheek dimpling, fingers playing with the tiny curls at the base of Ashton's neck. "Which ones are your favorite?" he breathes. 

It takes a second for Ashton to realize they're talking about the tattoos again. When he does, he smiles softly, leaning back enough that he can tug the band of his sweats down and the hem of his shirt up enough that the tattoo scrawling on his hipbone is visible. "'Hell is empty, and all the devils are here'," he whispers, staring into Luke's eyes. "There are none of my demons left in Hell, because all of them are with me." 

Luke frowns, thumbing over the ink, sending a shiver down Ashton's spine. Before Luke can say whatever has him so troubled, Ashton pushes on, nodding to his wrist. "The heartbeat is another one of my favorites." He smiles, soft and quiet, touching Luke's side. "But my favorites are the ones on my back." 

Luke bites his lip, tugging on the hem of Ashton's shirt. "Can I see them?" he asks, looking up through his eyelashes. 

Ashton steals a quick kiss before he gently pats Luke's hip, coaxing him off his lap enough that Ashton can turn around. He reaches behind his head and grabs his shirt, pulling it off his head, mildly proud when Luke gives a quiet gasp. 

"The two on my shoulder blades," he whispers back to Luke. The bed shifts a little when Luke moves closer, his finger tips ghosting over the tattoo running down the length of Ashton's spine before touching one of Ashton's shoulder blades. 

"What do they mean?" he asks quietly, leaning close enough that his lips brush Ashton's skin. It sends prickles through Ashton's body. 

Ashton smiles softly, staring at the wall in front of him. Luke's silent, fingertips gently grazing the tattoos, waiting for the explanation to come. "'I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep'," he quotes. "Recognize that, Lukey?" 

Luke touches the tattoo again, more in awe now that anything else. "It's from Robert Frost." He breathes for a few moments, before he asks, "Why this quote? Why not something else?" 

Ashton rolls his shoulder back enough to meet Luke's eyes for a split second, before he turns back around. "In one of my classes at uni," he begins, dropping his head so that his chin brushes his chest, "we analyzed this poem. Took us a few days to really get as deep as my professor wanted, but eventually we said that in these lines, Robert Frost is talking about his responsibilities. How he wants to stop and look at the forest, but he can't, because he has too many things to do." He sighs. "I'm a lot like that." He snorts, wetly, looking up at the ceiling to keep his tears at bay. "Almost all of the tattoos I've told you about have sad meanings, fuck." 

Luke shifts closer, slipping his arms around Ashton's waist, pressing his lips to the words inked across Ashton's shoulder. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he mumbles. 

Ashton leans back into Luke's embrace, looking down at where Luke's arms overlap on his stomach. "This is the first tattoo I got after everything happened with Damien," he whispers, his voice slightly strangled. Luke stiffens, but doesn't say anything. "It's kind of the same meaning as Frost's, I guess." He closes his eyes, feels Luke huddle him closer. "I have too much to do, too many things to accomplish, to ever think about giving up. My responsibilities and my life aren't over yet." 

Luke's quiet for several long moments, long enough that Ashton thinks he's going to continue on this thought that Ashton's brought up, but when he talks again, all he says is "And the other one?" 

Ashton's relieved, smiling now as he thinks about the other tattoo. "It's words my mom used to say to me all the time. She used to tell me, 'Never let a day go by where you haven't done something new, Possum. Always take a risk, because I promise you it's so much more fun to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.' I don't even know how I've memorized that so well, honestly." 

Luke huffs a laugh against his skin. "Possum, though? Why possum?" 

Ashton chuckles despite himself, feeling Luke relax at the sound. "She used to tell me I looked like a possum. All big eyes and really cute." 

"She was right about the really cute part." Luke playfully nibbles at Ashton's shoulder, squirming when Ashton brings a hand around to gently tickle Luke's side. Luke's nose wrinkles against the skin of his neck, peals of laughter bubbling from his lips. His hands pull away from Ashton so that he can curl himself up, away from the tickles. Ashton turns around, a smile stretching his lips at the sight of Luke, all pink cheeks and bright blue eyes, breathless giggles still tumbling from his mouth. 

When he calms down and curls himself back against Ashton's bare chest, Ashton kisses his forehead, smiling wistfully. "The words were my mom's way of telling me I should never let an opportunity pass. I got it as a tattoo so I'd remember to do just that." 

Luke looks up at him, his soft hair brushing Ashton's jaw. "Do you want more? Tattoos, I mean." 

Ashton laughs quietly, tapping Luke's side with his thumb. "I always want more tattoos, Luke. I just don't know what I want right now." He shrugs, pursing his lips. "Whenever I want a tattoo, I get it. I haven't seen anything that I really want yet." 

Luke nods in understanding, looking over at Ashton's arm. "Do tattoos hurt? I've always wanted one, but I'm not very good with pain and needles kind of freak me out." 

Ashton smiles slightly. "It doesn't hurt much for me anymore, mostly because I'm so used to it. It would probably hurt you, though, especially if you don't have a high pain tolerance. The needles weren't really a problem for me. I had Michael and Calum with me for my first couple of tattoos so they distracted me a lot." 

Luke nods. "I want one," he repeats, more to himself than to Ashton, brushing his thumb over Ashton's bicep. 

"I'll take you to get one, if you want," Ashton offers. "I'll even hold your hand when you can't take it." 

Luke weakly frowns at his mild insult, tapping his chest indignantly. "Not right now. Maybe sometime else. I don't even know what I'd want." 

Ashton nods, lapsing back into silence. Luke's back is warm beneath his fingertips, his skin soft and smooth. Luke traces his chest quietly, occasionally asking the meaning of a particularly interesting tattoo. Ashton answers him every time. 

Privately, as Luke's almost falling back to sleep in his arms, he thinks about how amazing Luke's skin would look with tattoos. 

And a small part of his subconscious, the part that has completely let go of his past and accepted Luke with open arms, whispers about how good Ashton's skin would look with Luke's name on it.

***

Luke's fingers are delicate on the strings of the guitar, plucking sweet melodies into the air. His head hangs down to his chest, his eyes closed, playing whatever comes to mind.

Ashton's leaning against the wall opposite him, watching him fondly. The fairy lights all around the room cast a halo on Luke's hair, and sat beneath the walls hung with guitar after guitar, nestled into Ashton's too big sweater, Luke looks like an angel straight out of a story book. 

They're in Town Square, the place Luke claimed to be the best non-date date place there was. "It's romantic, and it's fun," he'd insisted, tugging Ashton to the car. "Please, you'll love it." 

Ashton can't say he hasn't had fun, but the best part was watching Luke get so excited as they walked among the shops. He'd pressed his nose against the window of the shop holding the little odds and ends, and he'd nearly squealed when they stumbled upon a small, cozy little book store, akin to Bound To Please. He'd almost fallen over when they passed an adorable little puppy, though privately, as Luke played with the puppy and giggled when it licked his chin, Ashton thought Luke was cuter. 

They'd eventually come to Yogurtland, and they'd gotten a cup of frozen yogurt each. Both of them had gotten the Rocket Pop flavor (Luke had insisted), though Ashton's is plain and Luke's is dotted with little bits of cookie dough. The little cup is still sitting beside Ashton's thigh, half-eaten and slightly melted. 

"Ash?" Luke's tentative voice breaks him from his thoughts, and he blinks back into focus to find Luke pouting adorably at him. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asks quietly, his cheeks flushed red, his sweater paws still gripping tight to the guitar. 

In the stillness of the acoustic room, nestled far in the back corner of Guitar Center, Ashton can't hold back the soft smile that curves his lips, or the way his heart beats faster. "You," he whispers back, pleased when Luke's blush darkens. 

Luke carefully puts the guitar to the side, crawling off the little bench he'd sat himself on and curling up on Ashton's lap. Because they're alone, and because for once Ashton's mind is quiet, he wraps his arms around Luke and buries his lips in Luke's hair. 

They don't talk for a long time, the only sound being the whir of the air conditioning and the gentle voices as people walk by the door. Ashton's content to just hold Luke in his arms, kissing his temple and rubbing his back. He feels peaceful for the first time in a long time, light and open surrounded by music, with a lapful of the most beautiful boy in the world. 

"My shift starts soon," Luke gently reminds him, leaning back to look Ashton in the eye. Ashton scowls, holding him tighter, not ready to let him go yet. 

Luke laughs, kissing his cheek. "You can come if you want?" he offers. "Serenity would be okay with you being there. You could be in my dressing room and all of that." 

In truth, there was no way Ashton was going to let Luke go alone to the Burlesque Lounge. Not with Damien in Vegas, and definitely not when Jones could try something. He was already set on accompanying Luke there and making sure he was all right. 

Nevertheless, he nods at Luke, smiling softly at him. As much as the lounge weighed on him last time, the prospect of keeping Luke safe is heavier. "Yeah, I'll go," he says, his heart warming at the childish grin Luke shoots him. 

Luke slips out of his embrace, putting the guitar back where he found it and shyly reaching to help Ashton stand. Ashton slips a protective arm around his waist, throwing away his melted cup of frozen yogurt when they walk out of the acoustic room. It should terrify him, how much Luke has torn down his walls, and he knows it does, because every time he thinks about him his heart starts racing and his stomach dances with butterflies and his breath stutters, but being around Luke always makes his day brighter. Even by just a fraction. 

Later, when they're back at the car and Ashton's hands are curled tight around the steering wheel, he looks over at Luke, and everything in the world stops except for the boy at his side. Luke's head is thrown back in laughter, his nose scrunched up and eyes squeezed closed, mouth parted in an enormous grin. The last few rays of the dying sun light his skin golden, his hair shining brilliantly. He looks like a god, like a modern day Achilles, and Ashton can't take it. 

He's not enough for this beautiful boy, he knows that; he's not the magnificent, strong man that Luke deserves. His problems will weigh Luke down, and he can't promise that he'll ever completely let go of the past. But he's selfish, and greedy, and he wants Luke more than anything. He doesn't know how, and he doesn't know in what way, but he knows that Luke is the single exception to the rules he's laid for himself. He will never be worthy of Luke, but he'll be damned if Luke's getting away from him now. He's going to keep Luke for as long as he'll let him. 

He just hopes that Luke feels the same way.

***

The lounge is much like Ashton remembers it, all too bright lights and too loud music and too many people. Luke looks right at home, though, unfazed by the green and pink lights bleaching his skin to silver and the people reaching to hold onto him.

He drags Ashton through the crowds, their hands tightly clasped to avoid getting lost. He ignores everyone around him, especially all those who watch him move with hungry eyes. Ashton feels the need to hurt them all for even thinking about his boy. 

Luke doesn't even look at the man guarding the backstage door, just pushes the door open and continues backstage. Because his hand is threaded with Ashton's, Ashton is let through too. It feels a lot like his first visit. 

There's no one backstage, everything left abandoned on the makeup counters. Luke doesn't look worried, however, and leads Ashton to where he remembers Serenity's office being. He looks completely comfortable here, and as much as Ashton knows Luke hates what he has to do, he knows Luke loves the atmosphere and most of the people.

"Serenity?" Luke pushes the door open slowly, poking his head in. "Can we come in?" 

"Yeah, come in!" Serenity yells back, and Luke tugs Ashton into the room. 

There's more people in the room than last time. A girl with a bleached pixie cut sits on Serenity's desk with her hands braced behind her, her head lolled back to look at the boy standing beside her. He's tall and muscular, with silver dyed hair and warm green eyes. Another boy, this one significantly shorter with fiery red hair and blue eyes, leans against his side, arms looped around the first boy's waist. Serenity herself is sitting in her chair, her chin propped up in her hands as she listens to the girl's story. 

"Hey, L– Achilles," the first girl greets, nervously glancing over at Ashton. The other two boys narrow their eyes at him, looking him up and down. 

Luke smiles brightly, tugging Ashton in so they're pressed shoulder to shoulder. "It's okay, Hals. He knows." 

The girl relaxes, giving Ashton a genuine smile. She hops down from the desk, wiping her hands on her ripped jeans; Ashton can't help noticing she's covered in tattoos, much like him. "Hi there, I'm Ashley," she says, shaking his hand. "My stage name is Halsey, you can call me that if you want. I like your tattoos." 

There's a spark of a wild something in her eyes, something uncontainable and fiery that suggests that there is no stopping her. Ashton doesn't know why, but it makes him relax. He wonders if he has the same spark. 

"I'm Ashton," he says easily, smiling slightly at her. He feels how Luke relaxes at his side. "I like yours, too." 

Ashley beams at him, taking his arm and pulling him closer to the desk. Luke loosens his hold enough that Ashton isn't torn between them. "Boys, introduce yourselves," she orders. 

The silver-haired boy rolls his eyes, stretching a hand out to shake Ashton's. "I'm Matt," he says, smiling politely. "My stage name is Diamond, by the way. Don't laugh, it's totally sexy." 

The red-haired boy snorts, shaking his head. "You think it's sexy, but you just sound like a pretentious asshole." He turns to Ashton, his eyes dancing with mirth. "I'm Logan. Stage name's Fiery. Fitting, right?" He winks. 

Matt groans, gently slapping Logan on the back of the head. "Now who sounds like a pretentious asshole?" he glares. 

Logan grins, rubbing the sore spot. "Still you." He stretches onto his tiptoes, touching their lips together for a brief moment. 

Ashton turns his head to look at Luke, finding the younger man already looking back at him, his eyes soft and happy. The corners of his mouth tilt up, the hand still threaded with Ashton's squeezing tightly. He pulls a silly face like the nerd that he is, but there's fond exploding in Ashton's heart and all he can do is reach forward and press their mouths together. 

Luke lets out a surprised squeak, his other hand bracing on Ashton's chest, before he melts into the kiss. It's soft and sweet, just the gentle pressure of lips on lips, but it's still the best kiss Ashton's ever had. 

When they pull away, Luke buries his face in Ashton's chest, huddling close to him. Ashton can feel Luke's blush warming his skin even through the layers of clothing. He wraps his other arm around Luke's waist, pulling him closer, kissing the top of his head. 

Ashley and Serenity give him affectionate smiles when he looks up at them, shooting him a quick thumbs-up. Matt and Logan are talking to themselves, barely having noticed Luke and Ashton. Ashton opens his mouth to say something, but a voice from the doorway interrupts him. 

"No PDA in my lounge," a scratchy voice says. Luke stiffens immediately, and though Ashton doesn't know who it is, he knows it can't be good. 

The person is an older man, his hair beginnings to gray and thin. His face is surly and twisted, his back stooped in a way that suggests he's older than he looks. Ashton has a guess on who this is now, and he instinctively pulls Luke to stand behind him. Ashely stands at attention as well, staring at the man with dark eyes. 

" _Your_ lounge?" Serenity scoffs, crossing her arms. She sniffs delicately. "Last I checked, the deed was in my name, and I was the one who signed your paychecks." 

The man sneers, eyes locked with Ashton's. He looks angry, and jealous, too. "You dare come in to my lounge and touch one of my employees?" he continues, stepping further into the room. "I should have you thrown out." 

Something that feels a lot like rage burns bright in Ashton's belly, and despite it going against his very nature, he smiles pleasantly and cocks his head. "What exactly is it I'm doing?" 

The man growls at him, eyes sliding over to where Luke cowers behind him. Ashton shivers in disgust as his face takes on a hungry look. "Touching what's mine," he hisses, and that's when Ashton's temper breaks. 

Ashton steps forward, glad that his height allows him to tower over the man. He crosses his arms, pleased that he's kept up with his workouts when his muscles bulge against the sleeves of his shirt. "He doesn't belong to you," he snaps, glaring at the man. "He doesn't belong to anyone, you bastard. He's his own person, and I suggest you get out of this damn office before I punch you for acting like he's yours." 

The man snarls. "You little bitch–" He steps forward, menacingly. 

"Jones!" Serenity says sharply, standing up from her desk. "Get out of my office, now. I'll talk to you later." 

Jones doesn't move for a while, his glare matching Ashton's, before finally he spins on his heel and stalks from the room. Ashton doesn't move until he's certain Jones is gone, and even then his anger only subsides when Luke's shaking hands slide around his waist from behind. He turns, pulling Luke against his chest, stroking his hair soothingly. 

"Why haven't you fired that disgusting pig?" Ashley snaps, her hand on Luke's side. Logan and Matt have turned to lay their own comforting hands on Luke. "He assaults Luke at any chance he gets, and yet he's still here!" 

Serenity looks exhausted, standing up from her desk to rub Luke's back. "Though I am the boss here," she says tiredly, "I can't fire him unless the law says it's a valid reason. He's too high up as an employee. And for whatever reason, the police and the court here don't find sexual assault to be that valid of a reason. At least, not unless it's physical." 

"That's bullshit," Ashton spits, holding Luke tighter. 

Serenity nods, looking at him with knowing eyes. "I agree. But under the law, I cannot fire him unless I have evidence of the assault, or unless enough people can attest to the allegations." 

"Bullshit," Ashton repeats, this time much softer, stroking his thumbs over Luke's hip bones. "If that man touches a single hair on my boy's head, there will be hell to pay," he threatens. He doesn't give Serenity or anyone time to respond, kissing just behind Luke's ear. 

"I promise I'll keep you safe," he whispers. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

***

Luke is a god on stage. There's no other way to describe him.

His head throws back in exhilaration, his sweat-sticky skin glistening under the blue and pink lights. The jeans he's wearing look like they're painted on, sinfully tight around his legs. His chest is bare, hair flopping in his electric eyes. His smirk doesn't stray from his face, because he knows what he does to the crowd. He knows how good he looks, and he's using it to his advantage. This is his element, this is where he shines, and he looks so, so beautiful. 

Ashton's in awe. 

He's standing next to Ashley backstage, a can of untouched beer in his hands, eyes locked on Luke. There's something feral in the way he moves, like he's a wild animal about to strike. It sends a hot flash down Ashton's spine. 

"He looks good," Ashley comments, smirking at him knowingly. "Gonna ravish his bones later?" 

Ashton snorts, shaking his head. "We haven't done anything like that, and we probably won't for a while." At her blank look, he sighs, dragging his eyes away from Luke long enough to say, "We just started this, whatever this is, yesterday. And with everything that's happened with Jones, and with me and..." He trails off, shaking his head. "It won't happen for a while," he finishes, ignoring how concerned Ashley looks. 

"Are you okay?" she asks quietly, her voice almost drowned out by the club. Ashton shrugs, saved from answering when the crowd erupts in cheers as Luke and the Hooligans (Ashton was mildly shocked to see that Matt and Logan are Hooligans themselves) finish their set. 

Luke bounds down the backstage stairs, his smile bright beneath the lights. He smacks a big kiss to Ashton's lips, hyped up on adrenaline. "Serenity said that's my last act of the night," he says excitedly. "I'm going to change and then we can head back to mine, if you want?" 

Ashton nods, smiling when Luke takes off into his dressing room. Ashley grins at him knowingly, playfully nudging his side. 

A while later, when Luke still hasn't come back, Ashton frowns, looking at Ashley. She looks just as worried, and silently, she pulls out her phone, opening up her camera and setting it to record. They start towards the dressing room, just as a muffled shout of _"Ashton!"_ reaches them. 

Ashton breaks into a sprint, throwing open the door with Ashley cursing behind him. His vision goes red with anger when he sees what's happening. 

Jones has Luke pinned back against the wall, both wrists restrained tightly. He's leaning in, saying something, and Luke's frantically shaking his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. His lips part around another scream of Ashton's name, before Jones slaps a hand over his mouth. His other hand is trying to slink down Luke's chest. 

"Get away from him!" Ashton roars, crossing the room in a single stride and ripping the vile man from his boy. Jones stumbles into the other wall, and just as Ashton is about to tear him apart, Luke flings himself into his arms, sobbing hysterically. 

"I've got you, sweetheart," he murmurs, touching his lips to Luke's temple. Everything about this situation itches at his mind, triggering every thing he has, threatening to drag him into panic, but he can't, he has to be okay for Luke. He has to help his baby. 

"He's mine!" Jones yells from behind him, moving forward again. "Let him go, he's mine!" 

"He was never yours," someone snarls, and Ashton's surprised to find that it's Serenity. "You have done too much harm to this boy," she continues, stepping forward with Ashley at her side. Jones looks at the phone in Ashley's hand, and his face pales. "You will never see him or this club again." 

The lounge's security guards grab Jones' arms, hoisting him from the room. He's too in shock to say anything, and Ashton thinks with bitter satisfaction that Jones is the police's problem now. 

Matt touches Luke's back, kissing his temple. "Get him out of here," he says seriously, nodding to the back entrance a little bit away from Luke's dressing room door. "He doesn't need to be here anymore. Keep him away for a few days, alright? Keep him safe." 

Ashton nods. "I will. I promise." He cups the back of Luke's head, kissing his cheek. "Come on, let's get you home." 

He slips his hands down to Luke's thighs, hoisting them up around his waist. Luke goes willingly, his limp body trembling and shaking in Ashton's arms. Ashton tightens his grip, and quickly disappears out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** slight depression themes, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of past traumatic experiences, tooth rotting fluff, boys kissing 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Luke hasn't talked since last night. 

Ashton's worried. Luke's eyes have taken on a glazed over look, staring blankly at the walls. His reaction time is slower than usual, and he flinches violently when Michael or Calum walk into the room. He won't let Ashton leave his side or he'll panic. He's so clearly still in shock, still terrified, but Ashton doesn't know how to help him. 

Eventually, Ashton manages to coax Luke into the shower, turning the water on hot and leaving the biggest pair of sweats he owns and the softest sweater in his closet on the counter. Luke doesn't want to let go of him at first, clinging to his chest in terror, so small and vulnerable that it breaks Ashton's heart. He just kisses the top of Luke's head, rubbing his back, promising that he'll still be there when Luke gets out. That appeases Luke enough to nod and shyly press a kiss to his jaw. Ashton kisses his cheek softly, leaving the room so Luke can shower. 

"What am I supposed to do?" Ashton asks lowly, leaned back against the counter in the kitchen a while later. Luke's still in the bathroom, has been for a while now. No doubt he's trying to wash away his feelings under the warm water. 

Michael sighs, sitting at the table, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. Calum leans against his side. Both of them look as worried as Ashton feels. "Be there for him, I guess. You're the only one who has some kind of grasp on how he feels, Ash. Neither of us know what it's like to have something like that happen to you." 

Ashton's muscles tense up, and he looks down at the floor, exhaling shakily. "I hate that he knows how that feels, too," he murmurs, more to himself than to Michael or Calum. 

He shakes his head, trying in vain to clear his thoughts, turning around to face the counter. He needs to do something with his hands, something to distract him, so he reaches for the bag of bagels Michael keeps next to the toaster. He's not sure how Luke likes his bagels, so he just makes them the way he takes his, untoasted with plain cream cheese. Luke needs something in his stomach, something to help him get his strength back, and Ashton's decided a bagel will do the trick. 

He hears the sound of the shower switching off, the running water no longer echoing through the walls. There's a couple of bangs coming from the bathroom, but most are from the heavy cabinets, Ashton knows. He turns to fill a glass with some of the apple juice in the fridge just as he hears the bathroom door open, hesitant footsteps padding over the wooden flooring. 

Ashton's heart twists in his chest when Luke peeks around the corner of the kitchen, only stepping into the room when his wide blue eyes find Ashton. He hurries across the kitchen, crashing into Ashton's chest and burrowing right in before anyone can say anything. His fingers are curled into the too-long sleeves of Ashton's sweater, his woolen-sock clad feet shyly turned into each other. His cheeks are flushed pink from the heat of his shower, his blond hair dark with water against his forehead. 

"Feeling better?" Ashton asks him quietly, pressing back Luke's damp hair to look him in the eyes. He's relieved to find that he looks more focused, not so gripped with the shock of everything that's happened. 

Luke nods, clinging to him tightly, his cheek pressed to Ashton's shoulder. He always does this, even though he's a few inches taller. He tries to make himself as small as possible, something that's not easy with his frame. Nevertheless, Ashton just holds him tighter, kissing his forehead, nudging the plate with the bagel closer so that Luke will notice it. He does, thankfully, reaching for the bagel and taking a bite without moving away. 

Once Luke's finished, Ashton hugs him, just holding him for a while, hoping the warmth of his body will help Luke relax more. Luke goes limp in his arms, rubbing his cheek over Ashton's chest. It makes him even more tactile, even more cuddly, so Ashton takes the opportunity to slip his hands down to the back of Luke's thighs, hoisting him up into his arms. Luke squeaks in surprise but otherwise doesn't protest, wrapping his arms around Ashton's shoulders and burying his face in his neck. 

Ashton carries him into the living room, where Michael and Calum have curled up together on one of the couches. He gently sets Luke down on the other, leaving his side for a brief moment just to fetch the warm fuzzy blanket hanging over the back of the plush armchair just to the right of him. 

When he lies down beside Luke, the younger man immediately latches onto him, hiding in his chest. He still hasn't said anything, just closes his eyes in comfort when Ashton settles the blanket over them both and presses a kiss to his collarbone in thanks. 

Michael clears his throat from behind them, and when Ashton looks up at him, his eyes are on the man in Ashton's arms. He looks concerned, as does Calum, both of them wanting to help but not knowing how. 

"How are you feeling, Lu?" Michael asks gently. He leans forward so he can see Luke better. 

Luke shrugs, pressed impossibly close to Ashton. After a moment, he raises a hand and tips it from side to side in a _so-so_ motion. Ashton blows out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"Baby, no one's going to hurt you if you talk," he whispers, stroking Luke's hair. Luke looks up at him with wide, scared eyes. "He's gone, sweetheart, he's not going to mess with you anymore. You're absolutely, completely safe here, I promise you." He presses his lips to Luke's forehead, breathing in the smell of the shampoo he used from Ashton's bathroom. 

Luke opens his mouth, looking into Ashton's eyes, and then snaps his mouth closed and hides his face in Ashton's neck. He takes a few deep breaths, his hand fisted tightly in Ashton's shirt, and he croaks out, "I'm s-sorry." His voice is rough, scratchy from all the crying, and Calum gets up to get him a bottle of water. 

Ashton frowns, smoothing a hand up Luke's side and into his hair, stroking his thumb along the side of Luke's face. "Why are you sorry, baby? You have nothing to be sorry for." 

Luke shrugs, his hands just barely trembling, his wide eyes not looking away from Ashton's chest. "I made you worry," he mumbles, "and you had to take care of me and deal with me." 

Ashton blows out a sigh, hugging Luke closer, taking the water bottle from Calum when he hands it to Ashton. "Sweetheart," he murmurs, his lips brushing Luke's hair, "you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Nothing that happened was your fault. We worry about you because we l-love you." His stomach twists uncomfortably when he says that word, his throat almost closing around it. Luke tightens his hold on Ashton's shirt, and he can breathe a little easier. "We took care of you and 'dealt with you' because you're our friend and that's what we do." 

Luke still looks troubled, his eyes shining with tears. "But I don't like being a burden." 

Ashton smiles sadly, brushing Luke's hair from his forehead. "Baby, you aren't a burden. You have never been a burden. This happening will absolutely not change anything." 

Michael clears his throat from behind them again, leaned forward when they turn to look at him. He smiles kindly, touching a hand to Luke's shoulder. "We love you, Luke. You're our friend." He stands up, walking over to the TV, pulling a movie out of the shelf beside the screen and popping it into the DVD player. "How about something to distract us?" 

Ashton's relieved to find that it's just their old copy of The Lego Movie, a movie he knows Luke loves. Luke's cheeks are still sticky with tears, but he giggles quietly at all the funny parts, cuddled up into Ashton's chest. Things haven't completely been fixed, and Ashton knows they still need to talk about what happened, but for now all he wants to do is hold his boy and make him feel better. 

Luke's hand doesn't leave its spot fisted into Ashton's shirt the entire time.

***

When Ashton was younger, his family had a tradition. Every Friday night, after all of their homework had been finished and Anne had gotten off of work, they'd make a home-made dinner (which usually consisted of macaroni and cheese) and build a blanket fort in the living room to eat and watch movies in. Even when Ashton became that age where all he wanted was to be alone, he looked forward to Friday nights more than anything.

He remembers one of these nights, back when he was newly sixteen and had recently come out to his mother. Lauren and Harry had already gone to bed, their young bodies not equipped to handle late nights, so it was just Ashton and Anne still curled into the blanket fort, _The Lion King_ frozen on the TV. 

He remembers how Anne had reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, an amused little upturn to her mouth. She'd touched his shoulder gently, coaxing him into looking at her, and he had, eventually. 

"What's on your mind, Possum?" she'd asked him, shifting into a sitting position across from him and motioning for him to do the same. "You're not usually this quiet." 

Ashton had sighed, looking down at the blankets, his fingers twisting into the fabric. He'd never been able to hide anything from his mother, their relationship too close for any kind of secret. "Do you hate me now?" he'd whispered, his cheeks burning with shame, regretting the question the second it left his lips. 

Anne had gasped, reaching out to pull her oldest into her arms, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. "Honey, I could never, ever hate you. You're my baby boy, it doesn't matter to me who you love." 

Ashton had curled himself further into a ball, hiding his face. "But what if you change your mind when I find a boy?" 

Anne had sighed, pushing him back to look him in the eyes. "Possum, the only thing I want for you is to be happy, and to be loved," she'd told him gently. "I don't care if the person that makes you feel those things is a girl, or a boy, or neither, or both. I've never cared what gender you or your siblings will fall in love with." She'd smiled at him, her eyes gleaming mischievously. "The only thing I care about is if they treat my baby right. If they don't, well... They've got an angry mama bear coming after them." She'd winked playfully, before sobering again. "Ashton, it shouldn't matter to anyone except for you and your partner what your sexuality is. No one else's opinion matters, because if they don't accept you, that's their loss. You're an amazing young man, Ash, and I promise you that someday you're going to find someone who is absolutely perfect for you who makes your cheeks hurt from smiling." 

Ashton had just ducked his head and muttered a small thank you, his mother kind enough not to press it. She'd just hugged him tightly and pressed play on the movie, allowing him to spend the entire night watching movies. 

Now, watching Luke struggle to pull a blanket over the chair he'd set up, his nose scrunched up in concentration, the window behind him showing the rare rainy skies, Ashton thinks about his mother's words again. 

Luke's an amazing person, beautiful and funny and just a touch too wild sometimes, but in a way that makes him uncontainable and gorgeous. He's sweet and giving with a heart of gold, and he's talented and so insanely adorable that sometimes it actually hurts. He's someone that Ashton knows his mother would approve of. 

Ashton doesn't love him, not yet, even if his brain constantly screams at him otherwise. There's no way he can. Not after everything that's happened, after all that Damien's done, he can't love someone. He won't. He refuses to let himself get hurt like that again. It's not love, he swears it. 

However, his heart feels too full in his chest, too heavy with everything exploding within him. The fond at how cute Luke is, even as he makes a mess of Ashton's living room. The warmth that comes with every smile Luke gives him. The fluttering feeling that accompanies every laugh Luke lets out. He can't deal with it. 

"You're doing it wrong," Ashton calls out, still leaned against the door to the kitchen. Luke drops the blanket he's holding, huffing when he turns to look at Ashton. He glares at Ashton, but Ashton can see the playful glint to his eyes. 

"Do enlighten me, then," Luke snarks, rolling his eyes. "What am I doing wrong, oh great fort master?" 

Ashton snickers quietly, stepping into the room. "You don't have enough blankets, you're not even using safety pins, you have nothing to support everything with, and your form is terrible." He stops, barely holding in his laughter at the look on Luke's face. "Shall I go on?" 

Luke scowls at him. "Why don't you build it, then?" 

Ashton laughs, walking over to stand in front of Luke. "Gladly. How about you make snacks? I'm starving." 

Luke rolls his eyes, muttering, "Ungrateful bastard. You haven't even done anything and yet _you're_ hungry," under his breath, though he contradicts his words by stepping into Ashton's space, his hands pressing against Ashton's chest. Ashton's arms slip around his waist, pulling him even closer. 

"Want to continue that thought?" Ashton murmurs, nudging their noses together. Luke shakes his head, leaning forward to press his lips against Ashton's, his hand cupping Ashton's jaw. 

"This doesn't stop me being hungry," Ashton murmurs against Luke's mouth, accepting the shove that Luke gives him. He laughs, stealing another kiss before he steps back, going in search of all the things he needs. 

He heads into his room, grabbing the blanket he keeps at the foot of his bed as well as the two blankets and comforter at the top of his closet. On a whim, he grabs the extra sheets up there as well. He dumps all of them in the middle of the living room, adding the pillows scattered around the couches to the pile. Next, he heads into the kitchen, rummaging in the junk drawer to find the box of safety pins he knows are somewhere in there. He'll need them. 

He turns the couch around so that the back is facing the way he wants it to, draping a sheet over it when he's done. He safety pins the sheet to the couch to keep it from falling, and stretches it out as much as it'll go to secure the bottom of it with a heavy book of Calum's. He adds a couple more thin sheets to the sides to full enclose the fort space, laying the comforter and blankets down on the bottom to make it more comfortable, making sure to keep a few extras in case Luke or him gets cold, and he lines the inside with pillows. 

Then, making sure Luke's still distracted in the kitchen, he runs for his room, quickly grabbing his laptop and movie case, as well as a few stuffed animals and the Nerf guns he keeps in the corner, and races back to the living room, putting all his acquired materials into the fort just as Luke walks back into the room with his arms laden in snacks. 

Luke's eyes widen, his mouth dropping open in surprise. "You made this? How are you so good at making blanket forts?" 

Ashton shrugs, taking some of the snacks from Luke to help him as they crawl inside. "I used to make these every Friday with my family. You had to know how to build a blanket fort to be an Irwin." 

There's a hint of pained wistfulness in his voice, a sort of nostalgic melancholy that Ashton's only felt before when he was all alone in his room at night. He's always hated the feeling, because it reminds him of things better left in the past, even if he can never forget them. 

Luke's face softens, his hands gentle when they come to rest on Ashton's face. "Are you okay?" he whispers, his eyes so, so impossibly sweet. 

The side of Ashton's mouth quirks up slightly, shrugging. "Am I ever okay?" He laughs hollowly, looking away. 

Luke's eyebrows furrow, his eyes troubled. He tilts Ashton's face up, trying to look him in the eye again. "Ash–" 

Ashton cuts him off with a kiss, trying to distract him enough that he forgets about the broken pieces of Ashton's heart and focuses on the beating of his own. Ashton's never been able to deserve the golden light that is Luke but he'll be damned if he lets Luke get away just because of the dark feelings that hide in his mind. 

"I'll be fine," Ashton mumbles, the words getting lose in Luke's mouth. "I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine." 

It's fitting, he thinks, that the words repeat like a mantra in his mind, three simple little words that should be replaced with other, happier words. Words that end in _you_ and start with _I_ with _love_ nestled in there somewhere. 

Luke holds him tighter, almost desperately, his lips urgent and his fingers frantic. The way he moves is so delicate, so graceful, so much finesse behind every thought and action, and the way he's holding onto Ashton makes it feel like he's holding him together, like with one hand he's the only thing keeping Ashton from falling apart. His mouth covers Ashton's, stealing every secret Ashton's never let past his lips and learning all the things Ashton's never said with his tongue. He tastes like sugar and berries, intoxicating and heady, and the entire thought of him makes Ashton's head swim. 

They only break apart when Ashton's lungs ache in his chest and his fingers have gone slightly numb. Luke's right there, in his space, his eyes closed and pretty pink lips parted around his heaving breaths. He looks absolutely sinful, like a fallen angel that tumbled right down into Ashton's lap. 

"I'll be fine," Ashton murmurs one last time, brushing a soft kiss to Luke's cheekbone. Luke sighs, curling tighter against him, letting the subject drop, for which Ashton is immensely grateful for. 

He reaches out to grab his laptop, pulling it closer and opening the DVD case beside him, popping in a random DVD without even looking at what movie it is. He almost snorts, though, when he sees he's accidentally picked Burlesque. Luke giggles quietly, shaking his head but getting more comfortable to actually watch. 

Ashton's quiet throughout the entire thing, but Luke isn't, singing along to every song and saying almost every line. Even though he's always said how much of a disgrace this movie is to true burlesque dancing, he's completely into it, tapping out rhythms on Ashton's chest. 

Ashton slips his arms around Luke's waist, turning his nose into Luke's hair. He's hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion, and Luke giggles when Ashton yawns against his ear. He snuggles closer, nudging his lips against Ashton's neck, smiling softly. 

"Take a nap, love," he murmurs, leaning up to gently kiss the corner of Ashton's mouth. "I'll wake you up before Michael and Calum get back so we can ambush them." 

Ashton's lips quirk into a smile against Luke's forehead, his eyes closing and body relaxing into the mound of blankets. He's out before Luke can say anything else.

***

He wakes up with Luke leaning over him, peppering his face with kisses, his hands cupping Ashton's jaw. Ashton stretches his back slowly, his hands falling to Luke's thighs, arching an eyebrow.

"What's this?" he says sleepily, yawning. Luke laughs, kissing his chin, his eyes bright. 

"Mikey just texted me," he says excitedly, almost quivering with energy. "His shift just ended and they're picking up some food on the way home. Wake up so we can ambush them!" 

Ashton's mouth forms a lazy smirk. "I'm comfortable, though." He yanks Luke down so that he's pillowed on his chest, grinning at Luke's offended squeak. "I'd rather stay here with you," he whispers, kissing just behind Luke's ear. 

Luke goes boneless on top of him, a small sigh escaping his lips. He's silent for a moment, and then he opens his mouth and murmurs, "What are we?" and then silence is broken. 

Ashton shifts underneath him, tilting his head to make Luke look at him. "Whatever you want to be," he says seriously. "Whether or not that's as boyfriends or just friends or a mix of both, that's up to you." 

Luke searches his eyes for any hint of bluff, and then tells him quietly, "I want to be boyfriends." 

Ashton's smile is soft around the edges when he leans up to kiss him, mumbling against his lips, "Then that's what we are." 

Luke tastes like laughter when he kisses back, like honey and whiskey and bright, happy thoughts when his mouth opens around a small whimper. He's so responsive, already so worked up just from the press of Ashton's lips and the swipe of his tongue. His hands are fisted in Ashton's hair, his body pressed as close as it can go and then some. He's beautiful. 

The sound of the lock turning is what drags them apart, and they scramble for the Nerf guns sitting next to them, inevitable destroying the blanket fort when they dart out of it. Ashton smirks, crouching behind the plush armchair, his gun cocked and loaded in his hands. Luke's next to him, his eyes bright and smile wide. 

"Ash? Luke?" they hear Michael call down the hallway. "Where are you guys? Why's it so dark?" 

Ashton presses his finger to his lips, feeling a burst of joy as he counts down from five with the other hand. Just as his last finger goes down, Michael and Calum round the living room corner, and Ashton and Luke spring up, yelling battle cries as they pelt the others with Nerf bullets. 

Michael yells in shock, throwing his arms up to defend himself, while Calum just throws himself to the floor. He ignores the bullets pelting him and dives for Luke's legs, bringing the youngest man to the floor and wrestling the gun from his hands. 

"Hey!" Ashton shouts, keeping Michael back. "Stay away from my boyfriend!" 

"Stay away from mine!" Calum retorts, and suddenly little orange bullets are flying in Ashton's direction, skewing his vision, and he fires rapidly, trying to get Calum in the midst of all the chaos. He doesn't think it's working, and he's hit with the sudden thought that all the bullets will be hell to clean up, but it's worth it. Well and truly worth it. He's happy, Luke's happy, they're all having fun. He doesn't care what happens next. 

A curse falls from Calum's lips, and Ashton whoops in triumph when he sees Calum frantically shaking his now empty gun. To ensure his win, Ashton takes aim and fires, laughing when the bullet hits Calum square in the forehead. 

"I win," he announces proudly, falling to the floor beside Luke, panting. "Take that, Hood." 

Calum rolls his eyes fondly, opening his arms for Michael to lay in. "I demand a rematch, Irwin. A fair one where we aren't ambushed." 

Ashton just grins in response. He feels like a small child again, breathless from playing and laughing, his eyes bright and hair messy and nothing bringing him down. He feels truly exuberant, and he wishes the moment will last. 

Luke looks up at him with a gentle smile, like he can see everything Ashton's thinking, and the kiss he presses to the edge of Ashton's jaw feels like a prize. He snuggles in right after, his legs thrown over Ashton's lap, and he just looks so warm and cozy that Ashton's heart stutters. 

Calum must see the expression on his face because he chuckles, his arms tightening around Michael's waist. "Boyfriends, huh?" he asks. 

Ashton nods, brushing his lips over Luke's forehead. Luke closes his eyes in content, pulling himself in tighter. 

Michael smiles at them, his eyes dancing. "I'm happy for you guys," he says quietly. "You guys deserve this." 

Ashton doesn't answer, just tucks Luke's head under his chin and holds him tightly. It's enough, anyways, because he's sure Calum can read into the lines and see just how much Ashton cares for Luke from just the way he holds him. 

Ashton truly does. He cares for Luke with his entire heart, because Luke's so bright and amazing and beautiful and sometimes his entire being aches with it. Luke's his now, and no one's going to hurt this precious boy unless they want to get through Ashton. Ashton's going to protect Luke with his life. 

The happy feeling hasn't gone away, only amplified in its home between Ashton's ribs, stretching and filling his body until he's bursting, liquid sunshine replacing his blood. He feels stuffed full of absolute joy, the kind that splits your face, and he revels in it. 

He hopes it stays for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** brief mentions of homophobia, discussion of past assault, boys kissing, descriptions of sex things 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

"Where are you taking me?" Luke whines, an adorable pout on his lips, his hair messy around the blindfold keeping him from seeing anything. Ashton just rolls his eyes, because this is the fifth time Luke's asked in as many minutes. 

"You'll see when we get there, baby, just hold on," he explains patiently, gently rubbing at Luke's thigh. "We're almost there, sweetheart, I promise. Just a little longer." 

Luke's pout deepens, his arms crossing over his chest, but it's just for show. He leans his head against Ashton's shoulder seconds later, nuzzling his nose into the crook of his neck. 

Ashton grins, turning the car onto the street he's heading to, rubbing his thumb along the seam of Luke's jeans. He leans his cheek against the top of Luke's head for a short moment. 

"Can I have a hint?" Luke asks hopefully, tilting his head so his nose is smushed against Ashton's jaw. His soft hair tickles his cheek. "Please? I wanna know." 

Ashton chuckles lightly, pulling into the parking lot. He manages to find a space fairly quickly, one that's not too far away, and he pulls into it, killing the engine. Luke, who'd gone back to pouting and staring out the window, jumps and turns to look at Ashton, nearly bouncing in his seat. 

"We're here!" he exclaims, clumsily climbing out of the car and waiting until Ashton slips a hand into his before he moves. "I'm so excited, where are we?" 

Ashton shakes his head fondly, patting his back pocket to ensure he has their tickets, before he snakes his arm around Luke's waist and murmurs in his ear, "Take the blindfold off and you'll know." 

Luke's face when he takes off the blindfold is absolutely priceless, filled with so much of that kind of innocent joy that Ashton just wants to take a picture of him to make it last forever. His beautiful eyes go wide and his pink pink mouth forms a perfect little 'O'. His cheeks flush the prettiest shade of red, and when he turns to look at Ashton, gripping his arm excitedly, he looks like a little kid again. 

"We're going on the High Roller?" Luke asks incredulously, nearly bouncing where he stands. Ashton laughs, pulling him closer to kiss his temple. 

"You said you'd never been," Ashton reminds him, smiling fondly. "Where else would I take you on a date?" 

Luke looks unbelievably happy, curling his fingers through Ashton's and tugging him in the direction of the observation wheel. The sky is darkening around them, the sun almost completely behind the mountains, casting everything in a sort of purple black haze. Luke looks angelic in the fading light, the last few rays of the dying sun making his eyes blaze and hair glow. 

Ashton lets himself be led, even though he isn't all that certain Luke knows where he's going. He doesn't say anything about that, though, because Luke looks so happy and carefree, kind of like a small child in the way he bounces around. He's practically vibrating as he hauls Ashton through the halls, giving the tickets Ashton hands him to the lady. 

"I can't believe you did this," Luke says quietly in awe, looking around at the dark room they've entered, seemingly amazed by everything around him. "How'd you even know I wanted to come here?"

Ashton rolls his eyes fondly, pulling Luke into his chest. "You've been dropping hints for weeks, baby," he laughs, kissing Luke's pout away. "Don't think I didn't know what you were doing." 

He can feel some of the people in the room looking at them with disgust, and while normally this would curl under his skin and sit there for hours, this time he just pulls Luke closer and kisses him deeper. He gently guides them from the room a little bit later, slipping his arm around Luke's waist as they follow the signs out onto the deck. 

Ashton's surprised to see its relatively empty except for workers, though he supposes a Tuesday night isn't the most popular time to ride an observation wheel. It's because of how empty it is that they find themselves at the front of the line in seconds, and then finally in their own personal pod. 

"I'm so excited," Luke whispers once the doors have shut, tugging Ashton over to the far wall. "C'mon, I wanna take a lot of pictures." 

For all his talk, however, Luke makes no move to take his phone out, just relaxing with his back to Ashton's chest, both of them looking out the glass window at the lights of Vegas. They're just barely over the top of the buildings, but already it's a sight to rival all the others Ashton's seen. Besides Luke, of course. Nothing could rival him. 

It's almost silent in the pod save for their heavy breathing, the lights dimmed so that the shine of outside isn't. Luke slips his hands into Ashton's where they're wrapped around his waist, leaning back against him. 

"You're the best," Luke whispers, giving his hand a squeeze. "Thank you for this, honestly." 

Ashton hums gently, kissing his shoulder through his shirt. He doesn't say anything, but the tender way he holds Luke close to his body tells everything. 

As the sun sets completely and the sky darkens to black, Luke starts to point things out, telling little stories of casinos and places he's been over the years. Ashton tries to offer the same, spinning him stories of his childhood and everything that comes to mind when he looks at the lights. Some of it isn't pleasant, but he tells it anyways, knowing it's better to just let Luke in and stop hiding the parts of himself that he thinks aren't pretty. The squeeze Luke gives to him tells him it's appreciated. 

"Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing with my life," Luke whispers, his eyes on the spot Ashton knows the Burlesque Lounge is. "What am I even doing with myself? What am I _going_ to do with myself? I don't want to dance anymore. Not—not that way." 

"You don't have to, baby," Ashton murmurs back, kissing from Luke's shoulder up to his cheek. "You know Serenity won't make you stay somewhere you don't want to. She loves you, Luke, she'd understand." 

Luke looks troubled. "But I'm not ready to say goodbye to the lounge yet. I'm not ready to leave all my friends and Serenity." He pauses for a moment, long enough Ashton knows he'll say something else, before he opens his mouth and admits, "Serenity offered me a different job," all in one breath. 

Ashton turns his head into Luke's hair, nosing along his ear. "What kind of job, love?" he asks gently. 

Luke blows out a breath, shrugging his shoulders carefully. "Assistant manager, she said. Her right hand man." He bites his lip, the lights reflecting back into the blue of his eyes. "I wouldn't have to dance anymore, not if I didn't want to, but I'd still be there. I'd still be working at the lounge and still interacting with my friends." 

"Did you take it?" Ashton asks carefully, aware that there's probably more to this than he knows. 

Luke shakes his head, turning in Ashton's arms to face him. He hooks his arms around Ashton's neck, leaning back slightly against the glass that protects them. "I told her I'd think about it." He looks down, scuffing his feet. "I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye just yet, but I'm not ready to resume everything again, either. What if I just miss the people? I'm still friends with Ashley and Matt and Logan. I'd still be welcomed there." His voice is suddenly smaller. "I'm scared I'll get there and realize I'm still too close to Jones." 

"Hey," Ashton says gently, tilting Luke's chin up to look him in the eyes. "You're safe, baby, he's locked away indefinitely. He's not going to hurt you anymore. He's gone." Ashton leans forward, kissing Luke's nose softly. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you know that, right? You don't have to go back to the lounge. You can if you want to, but you're not forced to. You can apply for a different job if you'd like, I know you'd get anything you applied for. Whatever you want, baby. You know I'll support any decision you make." 

Luke smiles a small smile, his fingers tangling in Ashton's hair. "Thank you for being so amazing," he says quietly, stretching forward to kiss Ashton before he can argue. 

Ashton hums into the kiss, his hands finding Luke's hips. One of Luke's hands grips his shoulder, the other staying wrapped in his hair. He's just as eager as he was for their first kiss, his body pressing up against Ashton's in one long line of heat. He whimpers when Ashton nips at his lower lip, mouth falling open around a groan. Ashton takes the opportunity to lick inside his mouth, tasting the faint bite of the beer he'd had at dinner. 

Luke pulls himself even closer, his arms wrapping around Ashton's shoulders. He whines when he isn't as close as he wanted to be, growling in frustration. Nothing he does seems to do the trick, until his eyes light up mischievously, and he pushes Ashton so the older man stumbles back, sitting heavily on the bench he pressed against. Before Ashton can question what Luke's doing, Luke drops into his lap, straddling him and kissing him again. 

Ashton groans low in his throat, one hand grabbing Luke's thigh and the other gripping tightly to Luke's hip. Luke's moans are muffled against his lips, but the desperate way he holds Ashton says everything. He gently sinks his teeth into Ashton's bottom lip, tugging teasingly before he sucks on Ashton's tongue. 

Seemingly without Luke even noticing, his hips roll forward, the movement small enough that Ashton wouldn't have felt it if he wasn't as hyper aware of everything as he is now, and that's when reality comes crashing back in. 

He doesn't quite know what they're doing, making out like this when nothing's been discussed. Both of them have been hurt, both of them have been assaulted, and despite the way Ashton wants to grab Luke and kiss him until the world ends, he knows he can't. There's too many limits, too many gray areas for them to do this without talking first. 

Ashton pulls back, letting Luke kiss him again as he whines from the lack of contact. He keeps every kiss sweet and simple, stroking Luke's sides until finally, Luke's calm in his lap. 

"Luke." The way Ashton says his name is heavy, and Luke looks up with wide eyes. "We have to talk about this." 

Luke swallows, loosely holding onto Ashton's neck. "I want you," he says, and then rushes everything else out. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want this too, you know? Like I don't want to force you into everything and I'd absolutely never try to pressure you into anything, it's just that you're really hot and I like you a lot and you're just so amazing and I really want to kiss you again and maybe do other things—" 

"Luke," Ashton laughs softly, kissing his forehead. "It's okay, you don't have to explain everything." He sobers quickly. "Both of us have been through unpleasant experiences though, things that were pretty directly related to sex. Are you sure about this?" 

Luke nods, looking smaller than he actually is. "I trust you, Ash," he says earnestly, his wide eyes completely sincere. "You aren't him, I know that. We don't—we shouldn't go all the way right now. Obviously not at this second, since we're still in public, but you get what I'm saying. I don't think either of us are ready for that right now. I know I'm not." He sighs, playing with Ashton's fingers. "But I know I am ready to do... other things, with you. If you'll let me." 

Ashton smiles gently, touching his cheek. "Of course I'll let you. Don't you know I want this too?" His smile drops. "Our pasts aren't that pretty though, baby. Isn't there some kind of protocol for this?" 

Luke's eyes soften. "We make up our own rules, Ash," he says quietly. "No one else gets to tell us what to do or what to feel. You know that, right? We get to decide what happens. If we feel like it's okay and we're ready, we can do this." He leans forward to press a fleeting kiss to Ashton's mouth. "I honestly think this could help us." 

Ashton blinks, nodding once. "Okay," he says, because he knows it's better if he gives a verbal answer. "I want this. Do you?" 

"I do," Luke confirms, lacing his fingers through Ashton's hair again to pull their mouths together. 

There's a new urgency behind this kiss, a new vigor to the way Luke moves, but it's all broken when the voice over the intercom tells them to prepare to get off the observation wheel. Ashton's a little disappointed they didn't get to see all that much of Vegas, what with all the kissing, but the sparkle in Luke's eyes as he grips Ashton's hand is enough to make it worth it. 

"Let's go home," he says, and it sounds perfect to Ashton's ears.

***

The ride home is a blur.

All Ashton remembers is stumbling off of the High Roller, his hand wrapped around a beautiful boy's and a mischievous smirk tugging at his lips. They'd rushed to the car, giggling like they were still teenagers, and Ashton's lips are still numb from the way Luke had pressed him against the car and kissed him as hard as he could. 

Luke looks good when he's all blissed out, his head thrown back against the back of the front door to his apartment. Ashton's lips trace down his neck, exploring the pale skin that's been offered to him, nipping soft enough that the marks fade away almost as soon as he's finished with them. He doesn't know if Luke wants to be marked or not. 

Luke sighs in content, his hands gripping Ashton's hair yet again. Ashton snorts in amusement, finding it cute that Luke's hands seem to always be in his hair. Luke pouts at him, but the moan that's ripped from his throat when Ashton slips a thigh in between his cuts him off. 

"Feel good, baby?" Ashton whispers in Luke's ear, feeling the way Luke shivers at the rasp in Ashton's voice. He's already half-hard pressed against Ashton's thigh. 

Luke whimpers, gripping Ashton's shoulders now to haul him in for a biting kiss, Luke's hips subtly grinding forward. Ashton smirks to himself, his hand warm on Luke's side, his teeth nipping into Luke's lips and his tongue soothing the sting. Luke whines against his mouth, his mouth dropping open when Ashton trails his kisses down over his jaw to his neck, gently pressing to the hollow of his throat. 

"You can—fuck, _Ash_ —you can mark me," Luke tells him breathlessly, his head tilting back to bare more of his neck. Ashton laughs against the skin, bringing his lips to just behind Luke's ear and sucking gently. "Ash," Luke whines, frustrated with all the teasing, and he lets out a pleasured yelp when Ashton bites down harshly, bruising the skin with his lips. 

"You're beautiful," Ashton mumbles, dragging his lips over Luke's neck. "Absolutely stunning, baby." 

Luke tightens his grip on Ashton's shoulders, managing to gasp out, "Bedroom," before he moans again. 

Ashton slips his hands down to Luke's thighs, hauling them up around his waist and swallowing the surprised squeak Luke lets out. He stumbles through the apartment, finally managing to get to Luke's door and push both of them inside. 

Luke pants once he's been laid out on the bed, his hands over his head and his shirt riding up just enough for a strip of pale, unmarked skin to show. Ashton groans, falling on top of him to kiss him again, desperate as both of them get harder. 

Luke's hands push up the back of Ashton's shirt, hot and urgent. "Ash," he whines, tugging at the material in frustration.

Ashton laughs huskily, kneeling back to pull his shirt over his head. Luke's eyes zero in on his chest, the expression on his face one of lust, but Ashton doesn't give him time to act on it. He slips his hands under Luke's shirt as well, looking at Luke for permission before he drags the offending item over Luke's head and away. 

Immediately, his mouth waters at the sight of Luke, all broad shoulders and milky skin. He looks absolutely gorgeous spread out for Ashton like this, his chest heaving with every breath. Ashton can't keep his hands to himself, so he crashes forward, his lips finding Luke's neck again and starting a pathway down. He stops to suck another lovebite into Luke's collarbone, spurred on by the way Luke moans. 

He kisses down Luke's chest, murmuring quiet compliments into the soft skin, pausing every now and then to bite bruises into the otherwise unmarked part of Luke's body. Luke's panting harshly by the time Ashton reaches his hips, and Ashton can't resist the urge to smear lovebites over the prominent bones as well. 

He looks up at Luke, his mouth still pressed to the slightly softness of Luke's belly, finding the other man already looking down at him with soft eyes that don't match what they're doing. It's so _Luke_ that Ashton has to smile, pressing another kiss to Luke's belly button before he pulls away. 

"Can I, love?" he asks lowly, indicating Luke's jeans. Luke nods desperately, biting his lip when Ashton's fingers unbutton and unzip them, slowly inching them down his legs and leaving kisses on every inch of skin exposed. He leaves Luke's underwear on, however. He thinks that's the line that neither of them should cross tonight. 

"Shit," Ashton mumbles when they're all the way off, hungrily drinking in the sight of an almost-naked Luke, his long pale legs spread slightly. Ashton wrestles himself out of his own jeans before he almost hurls himself as Luke, hooking Luke's thighs over his shoulders in a reverent way. 

"So beautiful," he rasps out, lips biting into the soft skin of his inner thighs, leaving lovebites that Luke will be able to feel brushing in between his legs for days. "God, baby, you're so gorgeous, can't believe you're mine." 

Luke gasps, nodding frantically. "Yours, yours, Ash," he agrees, practically panting for attention. "Come here, come here, wanna kiss you—" 

Ashton gives him what he wants, leaning over him to press bruising kisses to his lips. He grunts in surprise when Luke pushes him onto his back, but all arguments die down when Luke clambers up to sit on his hips. 

Luke's hands spread over Ashton's chest, his expression awed as he strokes Ashton's skin. This isn't the first time he's seen Ashton shirtless, but it's the first time he's ever really been able to look and touch and _feel_. He takes his time with it, exploring each new stretch of skin, from Ashton's shoulders to Ashton's thighs. He pleasantly surprises Ashton when he leans down and sucks his own mark just under Ashton's jaw, dark enough and in just the right place that Ashton won't be able to cover it. Luke looks unbearably smug, grinning. 

"Now everyone knows you're taken," he says happily, little button nose scrunching up as he smiles. It's unfair that someone could be so breathtakingly beautiful and still be the cutest, sweetest, most adorable dork in the entire world. 

"Fuck, you're going to be the death of me," Ashton swears, grabbing Luke's jaw and bringing him down for another kiss. Their lips are already swollen and bruised, but every second spent not kissing Luke is a second spent not doing what he should be. 

Unconsciously, Luke's hips rock forward, dragging a moan out of both of them and reminding them the real reason they're here. Both of them are hard, straining against their boxers, and when Luke rocks forward again, hesitantly, Ashton matches him with a harsh thrust upwards. 

Luke whimpers, his fingers digging into Ashton's chest as his hips roll, their cocks dragging together through the layers of fabric that separate them. Ashton groans deep in his throat, gripping Luke's thighs for better leverage to thrust up against him. 

Clumsily, Luke tries to match him, thrusting down as hard as he can. His cheeks are flushed now, the fabric in the front of his boxers beginning to darken, but Ashton can feel himself leaking as well. He's already so close, already on edge even though they've barely done anything, and one look into Luke's eyes says he's the same way. 

"C'mon, baby," Ashton grits out, coaxing Luke's hips to move. "Do what feels good, let it out." 

Luke's mouth drops open around a rather loud moan, his head tipping back as he gives up on controlled movements and rolls his hips against Ashton's, shivering whenever he gets the angle right and their cocks rub together. 

"Shit, that's it, baby boy," Ashton hisses, moving his own hips now. He notices the way Luke's breath hitches at the name, and he keeps going, trying to make Luke feel as good as possible. "Doing so great, baby boy, you're so perfect, so beautiful." 

He sees the way Luke drinks in the praise, his wide eyes looking a little wet with how close he is. Luke whimpers, his hips moving faster, rolling and grinding as he gets closer and closer to his orgasm. 

"Fuck, m'not gonna last much longer," Ashton curses, gripping Luke's hips tightly. "C'mon baby boy, want you to come. Feels good, yeah baby?" 

Luke whines, high in his chest, his movements getting clumsier and clumsier as his cheeks get redder and redder. The sight of him pushes Ashton closer, and suddenly it's like a fire is ignited in his belly, spilling boiling lava into his veins when he thrusts up one more time and comes. 

Through the haze of his orgasm, he can feel Luke's hips stutter and still as he comes too, collapsing down onto Ashton's chest afterward. Ashton holds him close, kissing his hair and telling him how amazing he is as they bask in the glows. 

Finally, when Ashton's back to himself again, he nuzzles into Luke's hair, kissing his temple until Luke blearily looks at him. "How was that?" Ashton asks him quietly, worried that at any moment he'd overstepped a line. 

Luke blinks at him, still orgasm-drunk. He parts his lips, his cheeks flushed a beautiful pink. "Perfect," he rasps, leaning forward to rub his nose against Ashton's. "It was perfect, really, Ash." 

Ashton smiles at him, kissing him sweetly on the mouth. "Good. Everything was good? You liked everything? You're okay with continuing this?" he checks. 

Rolling his eyes, Luke nods with a grin. "Everything was perfect, Ash. _You_ were perfect. I promise I liked everything and yes, I want this. I want you." He settles back down after he says this, leaning his cheek against Ashton's shoulder. 

He doesn't move for a while, long enough for Ashton to think he's fallen asleep, and there's still come drying in his boxers. "Luke." He nudges his boyfriend. " _Luke_." 

Luke grumbles, pushing him away again. Ashton laughs, kissing his forehead and rubbing his back. "Baby, come on, we've got to go get cleaned up." 

"No," Luke whines, snuggling further into Ashton's body. "I don't wanna. Wanna sleep." His words slur in his tiredness. 

Ashton bites his lip, thinking through his question before he asks. He doesn't want to make Luke uncomfortable, though he figured this is the easiest way to get them both clean in the quickest amount of time. "Do you—maybe, want to, I don't know, take a bath together?" he asks carefully. 

Luke shifts around, and for a second Ashton thinks he's going to refuse, before he raises his head and touches Ashton's cheek. "I'd love to," he dimples. 

Ashton smiles back, kissing his palm before he stands up with Luke clinging to his front. He steps them into the bathroom, letting Luke sit on the counter while Ashton starts the water. 

"Bubbles?" Ashton asks, figuring it'll help keep Luke more comfortable with being naked, and Luke nods gratefully. Ashton pours some soap under the water, probably a little too much because the bubbles catch against his chin like a beard, but it's worth it when he turns around and Luke giggles. 

"Do you want to take your underwear off?" Ashton asks cautiously. "I won't look, I swear." 

Luke bites his lip but nods, wiggling out of his underwear and dropping it on the floor in a disgusting heap. Ashton loses his as well when Luke pointedly looks at him, taking Luke's hand and letting the younger man get into the bath first before he settles in behind him. 

Luke dozes against his chest, lulled by the warm water and Ashton's heartbeat. Ashton gently washes his skin, scrubbing shampoo into his soft hair and rinsing it, careful to avoid getting soap in Luke's eyes. He's less careful with himself, just washing the gunk from his skin and hair before he pulls them both out of the water, amusedly wiping bubbles from their skin. He dries Luke as softly as he can, trying not to wake the younger boy up. 

Later, when they're curled together in Luke's bed, glad in soft sleep shirts and sweats, Ashton marvels at the direction his life has taken him. Luke's sleep warm and soft against his chest, and the sounds of his gentle breathing mixed with the bruises on his neck making what they'd done a reality makes Ashton feel the happiest he's ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** boys kissing, description of sex things, slight angst towards the end 
> 
> the song luke sings in this chapter is called 'something new' by tom fletcher, and you can find it [here](http://youtu.be/yJ7-v7xVm3I)
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Now that they've started the more sexual side of their relationship, Ashton's surprised that the one problem they seem to be facing is that there never seems to be enough _time_. 

Yes, Ashton had expected the bumps in the road, and while there had been a few, they weren't nearly the problem he'd been anticipating. He'd been expecting tears from either him or Luke, one of them backing down to say no, they couldn't handle this. No, more of the frustration came from the fact that there were only so many free hours in a day, and so little time to feel Luke's soft skin against his own. 

Luke's insatiable, as well, now that he's gotten a little taste of what's to come and what he can have. Ashton honestly hadn't expected Luke to be as _hungry_ as he is, but if there's anything about the younger boy that surprises him, it's that he seems to have no shame with what he wants. Ashton can't even count the amount of times Luke's clambered into his lap only to grind their hips together into an orgasm, or slipped his hands down Ashton's pants once he'd decided that simply grinding wasn't cutting it for him anymore, even just two weeks after the first time they had. 

Ashton groans to himself now, his head thrown back in pleasure, because Luke is too good with his mouth. That's another thing Ashton's found out in the past few days. Luke knows what to do with a cock in his mouth, and he loves doing it as much as Ashton loves receiving it. It's a win-win, especially with how beautiful Luke looks with wet eyes and slick lips and red cheeks. 

It's this sight that welcomes him when he looks down, Luke kneeling sinfully between Ashton's legs, his swollen lips stretched around Ashton's cock, his hand wrapped around the base. His eyes are closed in ecstasy, because he gets off on this too. He loves having his mouth full, loves it when Ashton's hips jut up and hit the back of his throat. As much as Luke seems to want it, Ashton hasn't quite found the courage to take the younger's urging and fuck Luke's throat. He doesn't want to hurt Luke, especially not with something like this. 

Luke pulls back to breathe, dragging his lips up the side of Ashton's cock, teasingly letting his tongue dart out along the underside. He dips his head to mouth at Ashton's balls, tightening the fist he has wrapped around the base of Ashton's dick, and his eyes open just long enough to stare up at Ashton with a wrecked look. 

Ashton moans, deep in his chest, because Luke is unfairly good at this. He already knows the right buttons to press, the way to curl his tongue to make Ashton moan, the way to fill his mouth so they both get the pleasure they need. 

Ashton can't help himself, his hands raising to fist into Luke's hair. "Doing so good, baby boy," he rasps, groaning as Luke's tongue flutters against his head. 

Luke whimpers, pressing his head back against Ashton's hand, hollowing his cheeks around Ashton's cock. He gets sloppy with it, sucking eagerly, not even moving to wipe at the spit running down his chin. He looks up at Ashton with a pleading look, tapping his hip, and Ashton knows what he wants. 

Instead of giving it to him, though, he gently pulls Luke back off of him, pulling him up to cup his cheeks. "Luke—" 

"I want it," Luke says fiercely, pressing his lips to Ashton's in a hard kiss. "Please, Ash, I swear I want this, I want you to fuck my mouth, _please_ —" 

"Shh, baby," Ashton soothes, kissing Luke's forehead. "I will, baby boy, I just have to make sure you're okay, alright?" He lets Luke slide back down to his cock, stopping him before he can take it back into his mouth. "Just—" He bites his lip, stroking his thumb over Luke's cheekbone. "Just, hit my thigh if it gets to be too much, okay? Promise." 

Luke smiles at him, nuzzling against his hipbone. "I promise." He looks so sweet and innocent, all red cheeks and blown eyes, that it catches Ashton off guard when Luke takes him into his mouth again. 

He lets Luke get used to it again, the weight of Ashton on his tongue, hot and heavy, the way his lips stretch around him. Luke bobs his head a little, sliding further down, and that's when he looks up at Ashton. That's when he whines desperately, taps at Ashton's hip, gives a pleased hum when Ashton's hips cautiously jut up. 

Ashton's fingers weave into Luke's hair again, gently holding his head in place as he carefully, carefully pushes his hips forward in shallow thrusts. Luke almost frowns, chasing Ashton's cock as it threatens to pull out of his mouth, but Ashton holds him still. He's making sure Luke is completely fine with this, that he's okay and won't get hurt. 

The next time his hips push forward, Luke's tongue curls around the underneath of his cock, and Ashton can't help the way his hips jut up, forcing more into Luke's mouth, the tip hitting the back of Luke's throat. He freezes, afraid he's gone too far, but Luke just wiggles forward, swallowing eagerly around Ashton's cock. Ashton groans roughly, gritting his teeth, his hips jutting up again. 

Luke eagerly relaxes his throat, sweet little moans muffled by Ashton's cock coming every time Ashton's hips push deep into his mouth, fighting past his gag reflex. Luke takes it like a champ, contentedly letting himself be used. 

He pulls away from Ashton's hands a little while later, and Ashton panics, scared that he's hurt Luke in some way, but Luke just presses forward, swallowing Ashton down until the tip of his nose is pressed against Ashton's skin. He holds himself there for a few moments, his throat clenching around Ashton's cock, before he pulls off, dragging in a few ragged breaths. 

Ashton gapes at him, tenderly pushing his hair from his eyes. "You're unbelievable," he murmurs, stroking Luke's cheek. Luke grins at him for a short moment, before he goes down on Ashton again.

This time, Ashton feels his stomach clench, the familiar pleasure starting to rise to the point of too much. The tight wet heat of Luke's throat is too good, too amazing. Fire ignites low in his belly, and he desperately tugs at Luke's hair. "Fuck, fuck, Luke, I'm gonna come," he warns shakily, his head tipping back with a moan when Luke's tongue flutters over his tip in response. 

Luke doesn't pull back like Ashton thought he would. He just holds Ashton's hips in his hands and takes him in as far as he absolutely can, looking up at him with wet, pleading eyes. The sight of him wrecked, with Ashton's cock still in his mouth, is enough to push Ashton over the edge. 

His back arches, his hands tightening in Luke's hair as he fills Luke's mouth, groaning loud into the room as Luke eagerly swallows everything Ashton gives him. 

Ashton doesn't let himself bask in his orgasm for long, carefully grabbing Luke's shoulder and pulling him up so that Ashton can kiss him. He doesn't care that he can still taste himself in Luke's mouth, he needs to hold and kiss Luke because Luke's just so amazing. Luke is the most magnificent person he's ever met. 

Luke collapses against his chest, breathing hard and ragged against Ashton's skin. He's unbearably hard between them, just from getting Ashton off, just from the feeling of Ashton in his mouth. Ashton can feel the way Luke's cock presses against his hip, so he slips one hand in between them and takes hold of Luke. Luke chokes on a moan, burying his head in the crook of Ashton's neck. 

Ashton turns his nose into Luke's hair, his lips bumping against his ear, his arm wrapping around Luke's waist. His grip on Luke's cock tightens. "You're so beautiful," he murmurs, kissing Luke's cheek. "Fuck, I'm so lucky, you're so amazing, I don't know what I did to deserve you." 

Luke whimpers, bucking into Ashton's hand. Ashton laughs, deep in his chest, quickening the pace of his hand. "Gonna come for me, baby boy? Gonna be a good boy for me? C'mon sweetheart, show me how good you feel. You're so beautiful, baby, sucked my cock so well, c'mon." 

And because Ashton's unfairly good at dirty talk, and because he was already so on edge from the feeling of Ashton in his mouth, Luke's mouth opens around a loud moan and he comes, wrecked and beautiful and panting. He goes still after his orgasm, his chest heaving against Ashton's. 

Ashton hides his smile in Luke's hair, wiping his hand on the discarded fabric of his boxers, pulling Luke closer when he's done. Luke's always so sweet after he comes, nuzzling against Ashton's neck and kissing his collarbone. 

They're silent for several minutes, still catching their breath, before Luke stretches up, yawning. He smiles down at Ashton, pressing his hands against Ashton's chest. He looks like an angel, the light from the window burning his hair to gold, lighting his eyes up. Angels aren't supposed to be like this, with sinful lips and pretty moans and quiet laughter, but Ashton doesn't care. He's Ashton's angel. Ashton will take him any way he can. 

"What are you doing today?" Luke asks, grinning brilliantly. Ashton hums, gripping Luke's thighs, smoothing his thumbs over the soft skin. 

"I've got work today," Ashton says, laughing at the disgruntled expression on Luke's face. "Do you want to come with me? It's a short shift today, and then we can go do something together, if you want." 

Luke nods excitedly, bouncing off of Ashton's bed. He hurriedly gets dressed, pulling on a clean pair of boxers and then jeans he was wearing the night before, before he steals one of Ashton's old shirts, the material stretched enough that it hangs loose on Luke's broader frame. He pouts when he turns back around and Ashton hasn't moved. 

"Ash," he whines, coming over to poke Ashton's chest. "Get up." 

Ashton smirks at him, grabbing his hand and yanking him back onto the bed, rolling over to trap him under his body. Luke giggles as Ashton presses kisses all over his face, his cute little nose scrunched up in laughter. Ashton stops, staring down at him with a fond smile. 

Luke blushes, not used to being stared at like he's the most precious thing in the world. "What?" he breathes, playing with the hair on the back of Ashton's neck. 

Ashton shakes his head, brushing his fingertips over Luke's cheekbone. "You're just so beautiful," he whispers, leaning down to press their lips together, keeping the kiss soft and sweet. Luke smiles against his mouth, breaking away to laugh, kissing Ashton quickly one, two, three more times. 

"Get up," he murmurs, pressing his lips to Ashton's cheek. "If we stay here much longer, I'll never let you out of this bed." 

Ashton laughs quietly. "I wouldn't be opposed to that." Nevertheless, he pushes himself up off of Luke, turning to get changed. 

Luke watches him from the bed, a small smile on his face the entire time. Ashton shakes his head again, smiling fondly, pulling on his underwear and jeans. He shrugs on a gray t-shirt, ruffling his hair until it sits the way he wants it to. Before he can slip into the bathroom to brush his teeth, Luke stops him. 

His eyes are glitter soft when Ashton turns to look at him, his cheek resting against Ashton's pillow. "You're beautiful, too," he tells Ashton. 

Ashton's cheeks are hot when he finally slips into the bathroom.

***

The shop is slow today.

Ashton's already restocked the albums and records that needed to be restocked, and he's already opened the cash register and counted all the money to give to Bennett. Kara isn't coming in today, so it's just Ashton and Luke, and there's been almost no one to come in. No one has needed assistance or has boughten anything, so Ashton feels safe enough to relax a little. 

He thumbs through the albums on the shelf, absently noting which ones he thinks Luke would like. There's a few that look interesting, and he sets them aside so he can get them later. 

Luke's wandering around the store, looking at a few instruments here and there, playing the ones he thinks are pretty. He'd tried to twirl a drumstick between his fingers the way he's seen Ashton do before, but he'd failed, much to his chagrin. 

"Ash," Luke calls, now standing over by the guitars. He gestures to one of the acoustics. "Can I play this?" 

Ashton nods, abandoning the albums in favor of sitting himself down beside his boy, fondly watching the gentle way Luke holds the guitar. Luke shoots him a small smile, plucking at the strings absently as he shifts to curl his back to Ashton's chest. 

"Any requests?" Luke asks him softly, looking back at him with a teasing glint to his eyes. Ashton grins back at him, tightening the arms he wraps around Luke's waist. 

"Something pretty," Ashton tells him, nuzzling against the side of his face. 

Luke hums, plucking a few chords absently. "I can't play you, though." He giggles to himself, beyond pleased with his cheesy little joke. Ashton rolls his eyes, playfully biting at his ear. Luke squirms a little bit, but he settles back down after a second, taking a deep breath and starting to play. 

He's quiet for a few moments, letting his fingers move along the strings effortlessly. The sweet music fills the shop, soothing and beautiful, and Ashton's eyes close in content. Luke's voice joins in the guitar moments later, softly raspy and absolutely gorgeous

" _It's just another sunrise, on another day,"_ he sings, his eyes closing. _"It's just another rainbow, well they're all the same. Let me guess, a sunset followed by the moon. I think I'm ready for something new."_

Ashton's fingertips nudge up underneath Luke's shirt, gently stroking across the soft skin of his hips. Luke giggles lightly, squirming away from the light touch. His laughter can be heard when he sings again. 

_"It's just another love song, about another girl. It's just another movie, where they save world. And every roller coaster does a loop-de-loop. I guess I'm ready for something new."_ Luke turns his head to press his nose against Ashton's neck. 

Ashton kisses his cheek lightly, breathing in the scent of his hair. He's so beautiful, warm and soft and sleepy in Ashton's arms, his voice so gorgeous and his guitar playing phenomenal. There's nothing that Ashton wants more than to keep this beautiful boy for the rest of his life. 

_"I'm not saying life is boring, just predictable sometimes, when you know the end of every other line is gonna rhyme_ ," Luke sings softly, his breath tickling Ashton's neck. Ashton pulls him closer, closing his eyes again at the soothing sound of Luke's voice. _"After every eight you're always gonna find a nine, and February second will be cold outside."_

_"I predict a summer, that isn't very long. Then before you know it, we're singing Christmas songs. Then we get another April, May, and June. I think I'm ready for something new."_

Ashton never wants to leave this spot, never wants to give up the feeling of Luke warm against his chest and the sound of his singing in the air. He never wants to give up the way his heart is pounding in his chest, because Luke made it like that. Ashton doesn't know why, he doesn't know how, but he knows that Luke is the only person who has ever made him feel this way. Luke's the only one that's broken through enough to see the battered remains of Ashton's heart and still accept him for it. 

Luke's lips quirk up, almost like he knows exactly what Ashton's thinking, and he nudges his nose against Ashton's jaw to get him to open his eyes. Ashton does, and Luke's gaze locks on his, his blue eyes soft but intense. _"I'm not saying life is boring, 'cause it's beautiful sometimes, like that feeling when you're falling, it's like walking on the sky. There will come a morning you won't open up your eyes, but it's what you do until that day arrives."_

Luke shifts a little bit, leaning back away from Ashton enough that they can comfortable look into each other's eyes. _"You wanna touch a mountain, or taste the waterfall. You only need to see one, then you've seen them all. I'm gonna bet tomorrow that the sky is blue. I guess I'm ready, I think I'm ready, I hope I'm ready for something new."_

The last few chords ring in the air moments after Luke's stopped playing them, hovering over the moment before disappearing. Ashton looks at his boy, his beautiful, beautiful boy, and he can't help it when he cups Luke's face and tugs him into passionate kiss. Luke doesn't attempt to stop him, just carefully pushes the guitar off his lap and pulls himself so that he's even closer to Ashton. 

"Did you write that?" Ashton murmurs against Luke's mouth, gripping the younger man's hip. Luke pulls away, cupping Ashton's jaw and brushing his thumb over Ashton's cheekbone. 

"No, I found it on YouTube. I liked the song though, so I taught myself how to play it." He looks down, shyly, an adorable blush staining his cheeks. "It made me think of you," he mumbles, hiding his face. 

Ashton's heart warms in his chest, a blinding smile making its way onto his face. He reaches out and threads his fingers through Luke's hair, gently nudging his chin up so their eyes meet. "How'd it make you think of me, angel?" he asks quietly. 

Luke's blush deepens, spreading down his neck, though he doesn't look away. "You're my something new," he whispers, stroking Ashton's cheek. "You're what I needed. From the second I saw you, you were the missing piece." 

Ashton's breath leaves him at the sincerity in Luke's eyes, and he leans forward, touching their lips together. It's the only thing he can think of to keep his heart from bursting. 

Even then, it doesn't seem to work. 

"You're amazing, did you know that?" Ashton murmurs, kissing him again and again and again. Luke sags against his chest, climbing into his lap to kiss him better. 

"You mean the world to me," Ashton murmurs, kissing Luke's nose and cheeks, hooking his chin over his shoulder to hold him close. 

Luke doesn't say anything, just squeezes him tightly, and that's enough.

***

Ashton slams his hands against his door.

He's alone, for once, Calum and Michael out on a date and Luke dropped back off at his apartment. He'd kissed Ashton goodbye and said he'd see him tomorrow, something about a family dinner he needed to be at. 

Ashton's glad of the silence. It's a direct contrast to the turmoil inside his head, all the thoughts bouncing around too fast to really pay attention to. The only one he can focus on is _Luke_. 

Luke, Luke, everything about him. His eyes, his lips, his body, his smile, his laugh, his voice. The way he doesn't like being woken up. The way he lights up at the mention of the things he loves. The way his fingers move along guitar strings. Everything about him, everything he is, he's love. 

Ashton hates it. He can't feel that, he knows he can't, he can't be falling in love with Luke. It's not love, he swears, because he has forbidden himself from feeling that. He can't fall in love because the last person he thought that he could live forever with broke him. He isn't capable of loving, not anymore. He isn't capable of accepting love. 

He won't let himself fall in love. He refuses to. He won't let Luke break down that last wall. He'll make more if needed, he'll keep Luke out of that one last piece of his heart. 

He won't fall in love. 

He ignores the very small part of him that cruelly whispers that he will anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity)
> 
> **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** discussion of past abuse and traumatic experiences in the beginning, depressive themes, boys kissing
> 
> the playlist ashton makes can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/you-mean-so-much-to-me-ash)
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Ashton sighs, pushing another album onto its actual spot the shelf. He's been organizing the same few letters for the past hour or so, too tired to try and deal with anything else. There's a bone-deep exhaustion settled down in his belly, making his limbs drag and his eyes droop behind his glasses. His eyes had burned too much for him to try and put his contacts in. 

He sighs again, pushing his glasses further up on his nose, leaning his forehead against the rack in front of him. His eyes slip closed for a couple of seconds, long enough for his body to slump against the rack, before he pushes himself away and forces himself to continue working. 

He hadn't gotten any sleep last night, too busy trying to sort through all the conflicting emotions in his head. He feels like he's just on a continuous loop that won't stop, going from feeling on top of the world to lower than dirt and back again. One second, he's sure that if he gives himself the time, he'll be able to fall in love with Luke, and the next second, he's too terrified to even entertain the notion. 

He shakes his head, forcing the thoughts into the back of his head. Now isn't the time nor the place, so he quickly finishes putting the few remaining albums on the shelf and slips back into the front room. 

Kara looks up at him from where she sits behind the counter, and Ashton must look worse than he originally thought because she doesn't continue her game of trying to flirt with him. Instead, she fixes him with a frown and looks him from head to toe. 

"You look like shit," she states simply, leaning forward so her elbows rest against the counter. She raises an eyebrow, letting her nails clack against the glass. 

Ashton snorts tiredly, passing a hand over his face. "Thanks," he says dryly, turning his back to her and moving to rearrange something else, just to keep his hands and thoughts busy. 

Kara doesn't let him off the hook that easily, however. "What's got your panties in a twist?" she demands. "Normally you're at least a little more talkative than this. You usually don't look like you're about to keel over." 

Ashton rolls his eyes, but a small smile tugs at his mouth nonetheless. "How do you even know something's wrong?" he shoots back, turning back around to arch an eyebrow at her. "What if I'm just tired?"

Her next words stun him into silence, however. "Because your eyes look too sad to be just tired." She sighs, looking down. Her hair falls into her eyes. "Look, I get that I'm just the annoying teenager you have to work with, and I know I haven't made things easier on you by flirting with you—which was a _joke_ , by the way—but I really do get it. You're probably dealing with a lot of shit right now, and I completely understand that." She suddenly looks a lot older than her years should allow. "My point is, maybe you actually are tired. The bags under your eyes prove that. But I don't think it's just being physically tired. I think it's being mentally tired, too. Emotionally tired. Why are you so exhausted? What are you tired of?" 

Ashton blinks, dumbfounded. No one's ever asked him this. Everyone's just taken his excuse of being exhausted as the reason he wasn't being himself, and no one has ever tried to figure out what was going on below the surface. He's even more surprised that the one to figure it out is his sixteen-year-old coworker. 

"Life," he says quietly once his tongue has remembered how to form words. "Everything. I don't know." 

Kara smiles sadly, motioning him to join her behind the counter. "Tired of life in a suicidal way?" she asks blatantly, fixing him with a hard stare. 

Ashton looks at her and slowly shakes his head. "No, not anymore," he admits, brushing his thumb over the heartbeat tattooed into the inside of his wrist. "I'm just—I'm tired of things being the way they are." 

"And how are things?" Kara prompts, not letting him get away with being this vague. She looks entirely too understanding. 

Ashton blows out a ragged breath, looking up at her from under his brow. "Rough," he says honestly, shaking his head with a hollow laugh. "There's pretty much nothing simple left in my life. Ever since I was—ever since _it_ happened, everything feels like it's been turned upside down. I don't think I know what's going on anymore." 

It feels good to admit this, feels good to finally say this to someone who isn't judging and who understands the words he's saying. His chest feels a little looser, a little lighter. 

"How come you haven't tried to change it, if you hate feeling like this so much?" Kara doesn't sound judgmental. She sounds curious, and understanding, and just a touch pained. 

Ashton shrugs, looking down at his hands. "I can't figure out how to. I don't know how to fix everything. I don't know how to stop feeling like this." 

Kara cautiously touches his shoulder, a small gesture of kindness to make him look at her. "What about Luke? Doesn't he help you feel better?" 

Ashton closes his eyes, passing a rough hand through his hair. "Yeah, he does. He makes me feel better most of the time and he knows how to help me and I care about him so much but that's the _problem_." He straightens up, turning his back to Kara and pacing up and down the length of the lobby. "I care about him too much and I'm going to fall for him and there's nothing cushioning it. There's no way to tell that he won't turn out like D—like _him_ and I'm so scared of letting myself feel that again." 

He's never admitted these words to anyone except himself, and even then it was late at night when no one would be able to see what these thoughts do to him. He feels bare, vulnerable now, with one of his best kept secrets laid out in the open. 

Kara's voice is gentle the next time she speaks. "Have you ever thought that maybe the only reason you're afraid of loving him is because you're afraid he's going to love you back?" 

Ashton stops, his shoulders tensing. 

Kara takes his silence as a cue to go on. "Maybe I'm reading this wrong. Feel free to tell me to fuck off if I am, but my sister was like this for a while. She'd been in an abusive relationship and once she got out of it, she was really scared to date again because she didn't want to be back in that sort of relationship again. Her biggest problem was that she was scared that someone would love her back." Kara sighs, a small, sad sound. "She thought she was broken. She thought she was the one to blame for what happened. She didn't think she deserved to be loved because of what happened and she tried to push everyone away who might love her." 

Ashton turns to face her, slowly, and his eyes are blurry with tears and his lip is quivering. She's hit the nail on the head, speaking words Ashton was too afraid to say to even himself, telling him truths about himself that he didn't realize until now. 

A sob catches in his chest, almost choking him. He scrubs furiously at his eyes, trying to keep more tears at bay, and when he speaks again, his voice sounds strangled. 

"What if I'm right? What if I'm too difficult to love?" 

Kara offers him a sad smile and a shrug. "No one is too broke to be loved, Ashton. You've just got to let him show you."

***

Ashton brings one hand up to nervously knock against wood, his heart pounding in his chest. He's not used to feeling like this, and he thinks he might pass out seconds before Luke opens the door.

He grins brightly when he sees Ashton, reaching out to pull the older man into a tight hug. "Hey," he says happily, nuzzling underneath Ashton's chin. 

Ashton's lips turn up in a soft smile against his will, his arm coming up to slip around Luke's waist and pull him more securely against his chest. "Hi," he breathes, turning his head to press his lips to Luke's temple. Kara's words echo in his mind. 

Luke pulls back, still with his hugely cute grin. He tugs Ashton into the apartment, turning to walk back into the living room. Ashton grabs his hand before he can get too far away, dragging Luke back against his chest to lean in and capture his lips. Luke squeaks in surprise before going boneless, hands reaching up to play with Ashton's hair. 

When they part, Luke looks adorably flustered, his cheeks red and eyes bright. Ashton smirks at him, kissing his nose delicately before he steps away, gently pulling Luke into the living room with him. 

"What do you want to do?" Ashton asks, dropping both of them down onto the sofa. Luke blinks at him, a little stupefied. 

"We should order a pizza," he says, stammering just a little bit, curling against Ashton's side and playing with his fingers. "I don't know, we could just chill? Watching a movie or something." 

"We could build a fort," Ashton teases, nudging Luke's forehead with his nose. 

That snaps Luke back into himself. "Definitely not," he scowls, managing to look properly affronted even when his eyes are twinkling. "Last time you were mean." 

Ashton's eyes widen in mock-innocence. "Me? Mean? Well, I never." He sticks his tongue out just to hear Luke's giggles. 

Luke gently shoves his chest. "You're insufferable." He looks up at Ashton, his eyes softening. "Are you okay?" he asks quietly, shifting so he sits on Ashton's lap. "You seem more down than usual." 

Ashton slips his hands down to Luke's hips, kissing his cheek softly. "Yeah, I'm good. I just had a talk today with Kara and it made me realize a few things." He exhales against Luke's skin, trailing his lips down to his jaw. "There are things that scare me but I think I'll finally be able to get over them." 

Luke's arms curl around his shoulders, his body pressing against Ashton's. "What scares you?" he asks softly, hesitantly, like he's afraid of pushing Ashton back behind his walls. 

Ashton pulls away to touch their foreheads together. "My feelings for you scare me," he admits quietly, brushing a piece of hair out of Luke's eyes. "Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode when I look at you. I'm getting better at it though. It's getting easier." 

Luke doesn't push him any further, for which Ashton is entirely grateful for. His eyes are glitter soft now, his lips tugged into a gentle smile. He presses his lips to the corner of Ashton's mouth in a short kiss. 

"So... Wanna watch the Lego Movie?" 

Ashton snorts a laugh, his chest aching with the feeling in his heart. Luke laughs with him, sliding off his lap to go put the movie in. Ashton watches him fondly, shaking his head in amusement at how silly his boy is. He wouldn't have him any other way, though. 

"I'll make popcorn," Luke announces, slipping into the kitchen moments later. Ashton heard him quietly start to sing to himself, the sweet sounds accompanied by the erratic popping of the kernels. 

Ashton closes his eyes, sinking into the cushions underneath him. He thinks back to Kara's words, and listens to Luke singing, and thinks that he gets it. He may not like it, and he knows it definitely won't be this easy, but he thinks he finally gets it. He finally understands. 

Luke returns a few minutes later, the sound of his footsteps soft against the wooden flooring. He just curls right into Ashton's side, resting the popcorn bucket in Ashton's lap. He feels warmer than he did before, and Ashton's eyes blink open to find that he's changed, now clad in a soft navy sweater and black sweatpants, his feet bundled into gray fuzzy socks. He looks so fluffy and cute, warm and soft and sleepy all snuggled against Ashton's chest.

"You're beautiful," Ashton murmurs, tilting his head to press his mouth into Luke's hair. Luke just cuddles tighter against him, touching Ashton's chest. 

The movie drones on softly around them, the comedy never ceasing to make Luke shake with giggles. Ashton's barely paying attention, too wrapped up in the wonder that is his boy. He hasn't taken his eyes from Luke all night. 

Somewhere between the first and second movie they watch (because after the Lego Movie ended, Luke got up to pop another in. Ashton didn't even pay attention to what movie is was), Luke produces a pen. Ashton doesn't know where he got it, but Luke's been doodling cute little drawings along the empty spaces in between Ashton's tattoos for a while now. The glide of the pen against his skin is a little ticklish, even though he's so used to the glide of a needle instead, but Luke looks too cute for him to say anything. His tongue is slightly poked out of the side of his mouth and his eyebrows are furrowed. 

"My little artist, huh?" Ashton teases softly, watching Luke sit up so he can lean over Ashton's arm. The movie is long forgotten by now. 

Luke's cheeks slowly fill with color, his lip caught between his teeth when he glances up at Ashton. "Do you mind?" he whispers, though it's a little late now, since Ashton's skin is filled with pen. 

Ashton shakes his head with a wry grin, barely holding in his laughter when Luke nudges the hem of his shirt up to his chest, baring the taut, lean muscle of his stomach. Luke's eyes darken slightly, but he just sets the tip of the pen on Ashton's hip and starts to draw again. 

Ashton closes his eyes, relaxing under Luke's hold. Every once in a while, Luke will lean down to press his lips to whatever expanse of skin he just inked, and every time Ashton sighs in content. It's quiet, save only for when Luke starts to hum under his breath. 

"Will you ever get your chest tattooed?" Luke asks him quietly, pausing the movement of the pen for a moment. 

Ashton thinks for a moment. "Probably not," he says truthfully, opening his eyes to find Luke already staring at him, his blue eyes wide and trusting under the soft light from the lamp. There's something unbearably intimate about this moment, something so sweet and beautiful that it takes Ashton's breath away. 

Luke doesn't look away, his lips parting gently. He looks angelic, absolutely stunning, and Ashton can't keep his hands to himself. He slips his hand against the delicate structure of Luke's ribs, gently coaxing him forward until Ashton can kiss him, breathe his oxygen, hold him close. 

"You're gorgeous," Ashton mumbles into Luke's mouth, swallowing the whimper Luke lets out. "You're so beautiful, I can't believe you're _mine_ —" 

Luke wrenches himself away with a gasp, holding their foreheads together. His eyes stay closed, his lips slick and shiny red. When his panting finally calms down, he opens his eyes and playfully glares at Ashton. 

"I wasn't done with my masterpiece," he quips, smirking. Ashton throws his head back and laughs, lifting one arm behind his head and letting the other cup Luke's hip. 

"Then by all means, continue," he grins, amusedly watching Luke press the pen back against his skin, his blood still running hot in his veins. 

Eventually, he calms down enough that the soft mood from before is back, making everything Luke does that much more precious. He's completely decorated Ashton's stomach, swirls and little doodles and song lyrics mapping out the smooth skin, and Ashton is utterly entranced by this beautiful boy he gets to call his own. 

Luke decides he's done moments later, capping the pen and leaning back to take in his work. He nods appreciatively, bending his head to press a kiss to Ashton's belly button, before he stands up to put the now empty popcorn bowl in the kitchen and pop in yet another movie. 

"You look even more like an art piece," Luke tells him once he returns, grabbing his phone so he can take a picture. When he's done, he carefully pulls Ashton's shirt down, curling against his side once more, the pen still clutched between his fingers. 

Ashton cards his fingers through Luke's hair, feeling the younger man yawn against where his mouth is pressed to Ashton's collarbone. He's fighting sleep, Ashton can tell, and just as Ashton's about to tell him to get some rest, Luke makes a little noise of realization and hurriedly sits back up. 

He offers no explanation and simply bends his head back over Ashton's arm, this time grabbing his hand. Ashton watches, transfixed, as Luke very, very carefully draws a heart in the obviously left open space between the other doodles on Ashton's left hand. He spends a long time on it, ensuring that it's perfect, before he dips his head to press his lips over the heart. He holds the kiss there for several moments, before he places the pen on the table and snuggles into Ashton. 

As Luke falls asleep against his chest, and Ashton holds him close, he thinks his hand would look amazing with this heart inked for real against his skin. 

He thinks that he'll do it.

***

"What are you doing?"

Ashton startles, pulling away from his laptop to find Calum standing in the doorway of the kitchen, raising a quizzical eyebrow. Ashton pulls an earbud out of his ear, smiling sheepishly. 

"Are you making a mixtape?" Calum asks curiously, stepping more into the room. He peers over Ashton's shoulder, snorting in amusement at what he sees. "Oh my god, you are. What are you, a high schooler?" 

"Shut up," Ashton whines defensively, pouting at him just as Michael steps into the kitchen as well. "It's a cute idea, okay." 

"What is?" Michael grabs an apple, hopping onto the counter across from them. Calum abandons his task of annoying Ashton in favor of stepping in between Michael's legs. 

"Ashton's making a mixtape," Calum snickers, winding his arms around Michael's waist. Michael shoots him a bemused smile. 

"I think that's cute." Michael glances up at Ashton. "That's actually really adorable, honestly." 

"It's cute, yeah, it's just so... _cliche_ ," Calum giggles. 

Ashton shifts uncomfortably, pressing the button to burn the playlist onto a CD. "Other people are better at putting their feelings into words," he explains softly, playing with his fingers. 

Calum stops laughing, the look on his face becoming more gentle. "Aw, Ash, I'm sorry I laughed." He comes over and wraps his arms around Ashton's shoulders. "Is it for Luke?" 

Ashton's eyes brighten at the mention of his boyfriend, something Calum can't help but coo at. "Yeah," he blushes, ducking his head with a bashful smile. "It's just—he means a lot to me. I want him to know just how much." 

"That's really sweet," Michael comments, pushing off the counter and grabbing Calum's hand. "We'll leave you to it then." 

Ashton picks up the CD once they leave, carefully fitting it into the case. He takes the sharpie next to him and doodles across it, very much alike the doodles still left on his body from the other night. Along the bottom edge, he carefully writes _you mean so much to me ~ ash_. 

Satisfied with his work, he holds the CD, admiring the way it look, especially with the fresh tattoo on his hand. He can't wait to give it to Luke. 

He hasn't quite found the words to tell Luke how he feels himself, but he's hoping these words give Luke some kind of idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** discussion of past abuse and traumatic experiences in the beginning, boys kissing
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Luke's hand is gripping tight to Ashton's, swinging gently in between them as Luke leads the two of them up the front porch stairs of a beautiful home. Ashton swallows, fighting back the nerves in his stomach, trying to focus solely on the beautiful boy beside him. It's a little hard, though, when he knows that behind that front door Luke's family waits, and he's going to meet them, whether he likes it or not. 

Luke glances over at him, smiling softly at the anxiety he can see on Ashton's face. "Don't worry, Ash," he whispers calmly, stopping them just before they reach the door. "Everyone's going to love you, okay? You're amazing." He steps closer, leaning their foreheads together, his eyes gentle. "Even if they don't, they can't change how much I care about you. You mean so much to me." 

Ashton smiles at him, feeling most of the tension leak out of him. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he murmurs, slipping his arms around Luke's waist and drawing him in closer, kissing him slowly. 

Luke grips his shoulders, pulling away to kiss his cheek gently before he grips Ashton's hand again. "Ready?" he asks, his eyes lighting up. Ashton takes in a deep breath and nods, letting Luke lead him into the house. 

The house itself is beautiful, big and spacious and airy, everything either white or cream. It reminds him a lot of Luke's apartment, the big windows looking out on the city, and the many pictures that line the walls. Ashton can see numerous of Luke, and his heart warms every time he sees his boy's blue eyes and blond hair. 

His attention is stolen back to the task at hand when a woman steps from what he assumes is the kitchen, her eyes brightening up when she sees Luke. "Baby!" she squeals, rushing forward to engulf him into a hug. Luke laughs, hugging her back warmly, never letting go of Ashton's hand. 

"Mom," he says when they pull back, tugging Ashton forward so that he stands at Luke's side, "this is my boyfriend, Ashton. Ash, this is my mom." 

Ashton grins at her, letting himself fall back into the charming person everyone used to be in love with. "Hi, Mrs. Hemmings. I've heard so much about you." He holds out a hand for her to shake. 

Luke's mom rolls her eyes, pulling him into a tight hug. Ashton stiffens in surprise at first, but he hugs her back as warmly as Luke did. "Please, call me Liz," she says cheerfully, pulling back to look at him from arm's length. "My, you sure are a handsome one. You chose well, Luke." 

Ashton's cheeks warm and his smile turns bashful. Luke laughs quietly, squeezing Ashton's hand. "Where are Jack and Ben?" he asks. 

Liz rolls her eyes again, this time in fond exasperation. "Outside, trying to help your father with the food." She sighs delicately, spinning on her heel to walk to a door that leads out to what Ashton assumes is the backyard. "Your father is working on burgers, they should be ready any minute now, and there's drinks in the kitchen. Help yourself!" With that, she disappears out the door. 

Ashton's shoulders slump, his breath leaving him in a whoosh. "That wasn't as scary as I thought it would be," he comments, following Luke into the kitchen. 

Luke snorts, glancing back at him in amusement. "You haven't met my brothers yet," he says cheerfully. 

Ashton groans, stepping up behind Luke and wrapping his arms around Luke's waist, kissing the back of his neck. "Don't remind me," he grumbles, hooking his chin over Luke's shoulder, watching as Luke pours them both a glass of lemonade. 

Luke giggles, capping the lemonade and putting it back. "Don't worry, it'll be—" He cuts off when he sees Ashton's hand, his eyes widening. He quickly turns around, arching an eyebrow at Ashton. 

"You still haven't washed that heart off your hand?" he asks, his tone exasperated. Ashton bites back a shit-eating grin and shrugs innocently, watching Luke roll his eyes. "You're impossible," he snips, turning around to grab the washcloth off the side of the sink and get it wet. "Here, let me wipe it off." 

Ashton feels his heart thump faster when Luke grabs his hand and carefully begins to scrub at the perfect little heart just beside the base of Ashton's thumb. He frowns when it doesn't immediately smear away, but he doesn't question it. It's clear he hasn't put the pieces together yet. 

"It's not going to come off, baby," Ashton finally murmurs, watching Luke carefully. Luke frowns in confusion, looking up at him for an answer. Ashton chuckles quietly, reaching up to tuck a piece of Luke's hair behind his ear. "It's inked in, baby boy. It's not just pen." 

Finally, Luke gets it, his eyes widening and filling with tears. "Ash..." he trails off, his mouth parting in wonderment. He reaches up, cupping Ashton's cheek, smiling wetly. "Did you get a tattoo of the heart I drew on you?" 

Ashton grins, kissing the space between Luke's eyebrows, squeezing his hip. "Yeah, baby. I did." 

Luke's eyes soften, a few tears escaping and running down his cheeks. Ashton presses his lips just under Luke's eyes, kissing away his tears, holding him closer. Luke clings to him, his face buried in Ashton's shoulder, his arms wound tight around Ashton's neck. Ashton wraps one arm around his waist, the other cupping the back of his head, his lips pressing against Luke's temple again and again. 

A noise to their left grabs their attention, though Luke just turns his head to see what it is, not pulling even a breath away. Ashton looks over to see a man who looks remarkably like Luke watching them with a fond smile, even if he looks a little awkward. 

"Your mother said to come tell you the food's ready, Lewi," the man says, nodding to Luke. He offers them both a small smile and a nod, politely leaving them alone again. 

Luke sniffles and pulls back, wiping at the left over wetness under his eyes. "Thanks for making me cry, you asshole," he says primly, though his eyes are still glitter soft and filled with so much affection Ashton's heart wants to beat right out of his chest. 

Ashton laughs, playfully tugging on a curl near the base of Luke's neck, tugging him forward again to kiss him. "I'm not sorry," he mumbles against Luke's mouth, chasing his lips when Luke tries to pull away. Luke kisses him back one more time before he really does back up, grabbing Ashton's hand and tugging him in the direction of the backyard. Ashton grins when he feels Luke's thumb swipe carefully over his new tattoo. 

Luke's family are scattered about the backyard when they push open the door, the man who interrupted then earlier standing back at the grill with Liz at his elbow. Two other men, both looking a lot like Luke, stand near the grill, chatting aimlessly. 

Liz looks up when they walk out, her eyes lighting up. "Oh, there you are! I was wondering where you guys had gone." She shares a sly glance with Luke's father but otherwise doesn't comment on Luke's flushed cheeks and Ashton's wry grin. "Food's on the table, we're just finishing up the last of the burgers now." She turns around, putting her hands on her husband's shoulders. 

The other two men turn to look at Ashton, taking their eyes up and down his frame. Ashton's familiar to this older brother evaluation since he's done it himself many a time, silently judging any boy Lauren has brought home until they proved to be good for his sister. Not for the first time, he prides himself in the black button up rolled up to his elbows that hides all his tattoos but the ones on his forearms. He tries not to squirm under their intense gazes. 

Finally, the younger looking one steps forward, offering his hand to Ashton, though his eyes still aren't completely welcoming. "I'm Jack." 

"I'm Ben," the other man adds, standing at Jack's shoulder. Ashton tries not to show he's a little intimidated. 

Ashton shakes both their hands with a pleasant smile, feeling Luke's hand clamp in the back of his shirt. "Ashton. I've heard a lot about you guys." 

That seems to break the tension Jack had brought down, his face splitting into an enormous grin as he reaches out, pulling Luke against his chest. "Missed you too, Lukey," he coos, cruelly mussing his brother's hair. 

Luke ducks away, pouting as he fixes his hair. "Asshole," he mumbles, tangling his fingers with Ashton's and tugging him towards the table. He turns his head and sticks his tongue out at his brothers as he walks. 

Ashton laughs, reaching over to fix Luke's hair the way he likes it, brushing his jaw when he's done. Luke smiles softly at him, ducking his head when his cheeks flush red. 

Ashton grabs a plate, handing it to Luke before he grabs his own. They grab their food in silence, until Luke gently bumps his hip against Ashton's to get his attention. 

When Ashton turns to look at him, there's a mischievous look in his eye, his lips turned up in a smug smile. "I don't know if you've noticed yet, but my brothers are definitely a handful," he murmurs slyly, too much heat in his voice for a family dinner. "Think you can handle yourself?" 

Ashton doesn't back away from the challenge, even if he can feel Jack's eyes burning into him. His lips tug into a smirk, his eyes darkening. "I think I can handle myself just fine," he whispers wickedly, letting his knuckles stroke down Luke's cheek, before he turns away, seating himself along the bench at the table. 

Luke grumbles at him when he sits, not pleased that he's been bested at his own game. He's still pouting when he tucks himself under Ashton's arm, sulkily stabbing into a piece of watermelon with his fork. He remains in his brooding mood until Ashton presses his lips to his cheek, and then he's all smiles and sunshine. Ashton doesn't miss how the action makes Jack's mouth tighten. 

Ashton sighs. It's going to be a long night.

***

"Why should I trust you with my brother?"

Ashton startles, looking up from the dish he'd been washing in the sink. He stiffens when his eyes meet Jack's, the other man's steely gaze letting him know this might not be the most pleasant experience he'll have. 

It's been like this for most of the night, Jack not offering much during dinner except for the wordless glare he'd kept trained on Ashton the entire time. Luke had snapped at him for it, though Jack never let up. Ashton's been expecting this talk all night. 

He knows how these things go, the older brother protective talk to any possible suitor for his younger sibling. He can only guess how protective Jack, and Ben, for that matter, are of Luke, especially given the hell he'd endured due to bullying at school. They've got his best interests at heart, Ashton knows that. It doesn't mean that he's any less intimidated. 

Ashton sighs, drying his hands and turning to face Jack, leaning against the counter. "What?" he asks tiredly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Jack mirrors his movement, his eyes flinty. "Why should I trust you with my brother?" he repeats, this time much slower. He steps closer to Ashton, trying to seem more menacing with his dark eyes. "Why should I think that you're special? That you're good for him?" 

Ashton arches an eyebrow, not flinching under Jack's glare. "What answer are you looking for, Jack? You want me to wax you poetry about what he means to me? You want to threaten me until I run out of the house? You want me to realize that I can't handle him having scary brothers?" At Jack's surprised look, Ashton chuckles wryly. "I'm an older brother myself, Jack. I know how these things go. I've given a few of these myself." 

Jack's expression softens a little, his stature less defensive now. "So you know what it is I'm doing, then? And you know why." 

Ashton shrugs lightly, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair. "I'm sure your reasons for asking are a little different than mine would be." He sighs, looking away for a split second. "Lauren never went through the shit Luke did, so I never had to scare someone due to that." 

Jack lets his arms fall, his hands stuffing inside his pockets. "You know what Luke's been through." It's not a question. 

Ashton looks back at Jack, his lips parting. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." He straightens up, raising his chin. "I know about what happened to him during school. I know about the bullies and the black eyes and how it affected him. Don't worry, he's had to talk me out of finding the people who hurt him and hurting them myself." 

Jack nods a little, his expression softening even further. He seems to remember his position as protective older brother, however, and he squares himself back up, glaring at Ashton again. "So how am I supposed to know that you'll be good for him? That you'll understand him and help him heal?" 

This might be the easiest question Jack's asked. "Because I know how he feels," he answers quietly, looking down at the ground. He can sense Jack's shock, but he doesn't look up. "I have experience with some of the things he's been through." 

Ashton sighs again, looking up at the wall, determinedly not looking at Jack. "I admit, I've never been bullied, and I've never had anyone get physical with me the way he has, but other things—" He breaks himself off, suddenly meeting Jack's eyes. "Has he told you about Jones?" he asks hurriedly, almost frantically. 

Slowly, Jack nods. "He told us what Jones did and—" He hesitates, then reluctantly says, "And he also told us how you helped him through it." 

Ashton smiles humorlessly, closing his eyes. "The only reason I could help him through it was because I've been through it myself." His smile drops, his head tilting down to the floor again. "My ex didn't believe in the concept of consent, the same kind of thing that Jones did." He shakes his head, forcibly pushing those thoughts away, before he meets Jack's eyes again. " _That's_ why I'm good for him," he whispers. "I know what he's been through. I've felt his pain. I know how to help him." 

This time when he smiles, it's soft and affectionate, just at the thought of Luke. "Beyond that, I make him happy, and he makes me happy. I've never felt anything as good as it feels to know that he's mine and that he cares for me just as much as I care for him." Ashton straightens his shoulders, stepping closer to Jack. "You may not like it, and you may not approve of me, but no matter what you say, I'm not giving him up. He means the absolute world to me. I'm not letting anything take him away from me." 

Before Jack can reply, Ashton murmurs a rushed "Excuse me" and brushes past him, stepping out into the living room. 

Luke looks up when he walks into the room, concern on his face when he reaches for Ashton. "You were in there for a while," he murmurs, curling against Ashton's side. 

Ashton brushes his fingers through Luke's hair, kissing his forehead. "I was talking to Jack." 

Luke's head shoots up, his eyes even more concerned now. "What? Are you okay? Did he do anything?" 

Ashton laughs quietly, feeling the little bit of tightness that had settled in his chest melt away at the beauty of his boy. "I'm good, I promise." 

Liz walks in at that moment, Andy behind her. She smiles at Ashton and Luke, sitting herself down in a chair across from them. "How are you doing, boys?" she asks. 

Ashton smiles politely at her, shifting so that Luke can rest his head on his shoulder. "I'm doing wonderful, thank you." 

Liz nods, looking pleased. "Excellent, excellent." She turns her head when Jack and Ben both walk in, conversing in low voices. "Jack, Ben, come on. Family bonding." 

Ben goes easily, stealing the other end of the couch Ashton and Luke are sitting on. Jack walks much slower, settling down on the beanbag in between his parent's chairs. Ashton's pleased to see he doesn't immediately resume his glaring. He hopes that means he's off the hook, for now. 

"So, Ashton, would you mind if I ask you a few questions?" Liz asks. Ashton smiles to himself, having predicted some kind of interrogation sometime throughout the night. 

"Ask away," he says. 

Jack raises his head, his gaze heavy but not antagonizing. "How many siblings do you have?" he asks quietly, not taking his eyes from Ashton's. 

Ashton's breath catches in his throat, because a pang of loneliness hits his chest. He hasn't seen his family for a while now, and he misses them like crazy. He swallows past the sudden lump in his throat. "Two," he answers. "My little brother Harry and my little sister Lauren." 

"Do they live in Australia too?" Liz asks him kindly. 

Ashton smiles a small, pained smile, nodding at her. "I haven't seen them in a while," he speaks, giving voice to the things he'd been thinking a moment ago. The little bit of sadness is noticeable in his voice. 

Luke comfortingly strokes his fingers over Ashton's ribs, kissing his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt. Ashton skims his fingers along Luke's spine in thanks, kissing his head softly. 

Liz is smiling when he looks back up at her, her eyes fondly watching the way he and Luke hold each other. "Consider us your family now," she tells him, reaching over to grab his hand. "We're here if you ever need something, whether it's a home cooked meal or a mother's scolding." 

Ashton laughs, his grin so wide it hurts his cheeks. "Thank you," he says genuinely, so glad that Luke's family have, for the most part, accepted him. 

The questions continue for a while, ranging from his interests to how he and Luke met. Ashton keeps his answers as clean and polite as possible, trying to keep a smile on his face the entire time. He feels a little self-conscious about how much he's talking, but the way the entire Hemmings family is listening attentively and the way they keep firing questions makes him relax a little bit. 

Liz pauses in her questions after a long while, turning to Andy to ask him a question about something she's just remembered. Ashton takes the opportunity to nudge his nose against Luke's forehead, stroking his side. Luke's eyes have been closed for a couple of minutes, and his breathing is light and even. 

Luke whines when Ashton gently wakes him, his eyes squeezing shut and his head burrowing further into Ashton's neck. Ashton chuckles quietly, kissing Luke's temple. "C'mon sweetheart, you've gotta wake up," he murmurs in Luke's ear. 

Luke whines again, blinking sleepily up at Ashton. He's far too adorable to handle. "Tired," he whimpers, curling back into Ashton afterwards. 

"I know, baby, I know. Wanna go home? It's getting late." Ashton smiles a little shakily, rubbing Luke's back. "I have a surprise for you once we get home." 

Luke's lips curl into a weak smirk, one eye opening blearily. "A surprise, huh?" His tone is suggestive, and Ashton snorts, rolling his eyes. Even exhausted, his boy still finds the energy to be sexual. 

"Not that kind of surprise," he says fondly, coaxing Luke to sit up. Luke does so, whining the entire time, leaning heavily on Ashton once he's upright. 

Liz looks up at the movement, though her eyes are knowing. Ashton suspects she's seen more than she's letting on. "Tired, baby?" she asks, seeing Luke's dropping eyes and the way he clings to Ashton. 

Ashton nods, slipping an arm around Luke's waist and carefully helping him stand. "Yeah, I think it's about time we head home." 

Liz nods back at him, standing as well. "I'll walk you guys out." 

Jack comes with them, surprisingly, after Ben and Andy have shaken Ashton's hand and hugged Luke goodbye. He stands awkwardly off to the side, hands stuffed in his pockets as Ashton thanks Liz profusely for the amazing time. 

When Ashton and Luke turn to leave, Jack finally steps forward, his hand gripping Ashton's shoulder. "Wait, can I talk to you?" 

Ashton looks at him, seeing the pleading expression. He nods, digging the car keys out of his pocket and pressing them into Luke's hand. "Go get the car started, okay, baby boy?" Luke nods tiredly, hugging his brother tightly and accepting the warm kiss Ashton presses to his forehead. 

Ashton doesn't move from the front door until he's certain Luke is safely in the car, and then he turns and follows Jack back into the hallway. 

Jack blows out a sigh, leaning against the wall. "Look, I'm sorry." Ashton gapes at him surprise. "I know I was a dick all night, but I think you understand why." He passes a rough hand over his face, looking away. "He's my baby brother. He's been through hell and back, and it's my duty as his big brother to make sure he doesn't have to go through it again." Finally, he looks at Ashton. "You're a good guy, Ashton. I trust you with him. I can see how happy you make him, and how happy he makes you." He offers Ashton his hand. 

Ashton stares at it for a second, before he reaches out and slowly shakes Jack's hand. "Thank you, Jack," he says thickly. "That means a lot to me." 

Jack smiles at him, clapping his back. "Take care of him for me, yeah?" 

Ashton grins, backing up towards the front door. "Of course." 

As Ashton's walking towards the car, he thinks that for the first time in a long time, things are pretty damn near perfect

***

"Where's my surprise?"

Ashton chuckles, putting his keys down in the little bowl Luke keeps next to his front door. He turns around and looks at Luke, watching the way Luke's eyes dance, even though he looks exhausted. 

Ashton doesn't answer, simply walking over and slipping his arms around Luke's waist, pressing his lips to Luke's cheek, his nose, his temple, and finally his lips. Luke sighs against him, kissing him soundly. Luke whimpers when Ashton's teeth gently catch on his bottom lip, before he slowly pulls away, leaning their foreheads together. 

"What's my surprise?" Luke repeats, so much softer and more affectionate now. His eyes sparkle with mischief. 

Ashton laughs, quiet, kissing Luke again before he turns to where he'd placed his bag beside the coffee table before they'd left. "I really hope you like it," he says, pulling a CD case out of the side pocket. 

"If it's from you, I know I'll like it," Luke tells him, almost like its something Ashton should've known, and his eyes widen when he sees what Ashton holds. 

Ashton bites his lip, hesitantly holding the CD case out to Luke. Luke takes it, his movements careful and almost gentle. He looks down at the CD case, his eyes awed, before he carefully pulls the CD out of its case. 

His eyes widen at the sight of it, the words _you mean so much to me ~ ash_ written in Ashton's unmistakeable handwriting. The rest is covered in little moons and stars and suns and planets, doodled little nothings that make Luke snort a small laugh. He brushes his fingers over the surface of it, so reverent. 

"It's a playlist," Ashton explains, perhaps a little unnecessary. He swallows. "It's just—it's songs that reminded me of you. Or songs that I think you'd like." He shrugs. "I know it's not much, but—" 

"It's perfect," Luke breathes, looking up at Ashton. Ashton is struck with the realization that Luke's crying, his eyes wet and his cheeks stained, but he looks so happy, so so impossibly overjoyed that Ashton feels his heart tug in his chest. 

"Thank you so much," Luke whispers, and then Ashton has an armful of his favorite boy, Luke's legs wrapping around his waist. Ashton slips his arms down to hold Luke against him, relieved that he likes it. 

"Let's listen to it now," Luke says excitedly, pulling back to look down at Ashton with a pleading expression. Ashton laughs, nuzzling against his cheekbone. 

"Baby, you're exhausted," Ashton admonishes. "You'll fall asleep after the first song." 

"Not true!" Luke protests, almost bouncing in his excitement. "Please? Even if I fall asleep, I can listen to it tomorrow!" 

Ashton grins, kissing Luke's jaw. "Alright, baby, if you're sure." 

Luke cheers, letting himself fall off of Ashton so that he can dash for his bedroom, pulling Ashton along behind him. Ashton laughs to himself, looking at how excited his beautiful baby boy is. 

"Grab me some pajamas, please," Luke orders absently, popping the CD into the stereo he keeps on his bedside table, the one Ashton's always teased him about. Ashton does as asked, grabbing a clean soft shirt for Luke to change into. He does so gratefully, rubbing his cheek along the soft material that smells like Ashton, smiling cheekily before he presses [play](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/you-mean-so-much-to-me-ash).

Ashton strips out of his clothes until he's left in just his boxers as Marianas Trench's _Beside You_ , fills the room. Luke clambers into the bed, cuddling himself under the covers. He pats the space beside him, smiling serenely, immediately curling against Ashton's chest when Ashton climbs into the bed as well. 

"I like this song," he whispers, pressing his lips to Ashton's collarbone. Ashton hums, stroking Luke's hair, kissing his forehead. 

The next song starts, and the next, and they continue to play. Ashton and Luke are silent, for the most part, until a certain song comes on, and Ashton feels his heart twist at the lyrics and Luke's perfect, angelic face. 

_"When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind,"_ Ashton sings softly, his lips brushing Luke's temple. _"He broke his own heart, and I watched, as he tried to reassemble it."_

His voice shakes a little bit, wobbly and a little too rough, but he needs to sing this, and he thinks that Luke needs to hear it. _"My momma swore that she would never let herself forget, and that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, if it does not exist."_

His lips curve into a week smile, his arms drawing Luke closer to him, because this is the song that shows how he feels, that truly speaks of the worries and feelings locked deep in his heart. _"But darling, you are the only exception, you are the only exception. You are the only exception, you are the only exception."_

Ashton falls silent after that, letting the rest of the song wash over him and fill the air. He thinks Luke's already fallen asleep, his breathing deep and even, but then Luke presses a sweet kiss right above his heart and snuggles closer. Ashton holds him tightly, like if he holds Luke tight enough they could fuse into one entity. 

Luke is his only exception, in all honesty. Luke is the only person who has ever gotten this close, even before Damien. He's the only person who has accepted Ashton whole heartedly, completely and irrevocably, and Ashton doesn't want it any other way. Luke is the most important person to him, the one person who Ashton feels so much for. Luke is sunshine, he's an angel, he's absolutely everything to Ashton. 

Ashton shifts, drawing Luke closer to his chest. He falls asleep with his lips pressed into Luke's hair.

***

Ashton's tired when he gets home.

It'd been a long day at work, the record store being unnatural busy, with more people in one day than Ashton's seen in the entirety of his working there. Him and Kara had been scrambling to keep things orderly and make sure everything got done, and even then it was just barely scraping by.

To top it off, too, he hasn't seen Luke since last night, the younger man busy with his own shift at the book store and then heading down to the Burlesque Lounge to try and sort things out with Serenity. He's taking the assistant manager job she'd offered him, but he hasn't told her that yet. They're discussing the logistics today, and Ashton's a little disappointed he couldn't be there to support his boy. Luke had promised him that he'd been able to be there the day Luke signs for his job, however. 

He's absolutely exhausted, ready to curl up on his bed and take a nap. He slips his shoes off and leaves them next to the front door, hanging his jacket up next to Calum's before he stumbles his way into his room, wrestling out of his clothing as he goes. He's ready to collapse on his bed, about to be dead to the world, when he notices something on his pillow. 

Curiosity dampening his exhaustion for a moment, he reaches out and picks up first the letter lying on top of the envelope. 

_Ashton,_

_I wanted to give this to you in person, but apparently we're both really busy, so that won't do. Tell me what you think about it next time you see me though. Anyways, I pulled something straight out of your book for this. I picked ones that remind me of you and a few I think you'll like. It might not be the prettiest sounding mix, but I wanted you to hear it._

_– Luke_

Ashton has an inkling of what's in the envelope, but a warm smile still stretches across his face when he pulls out the CD case, its plastic covered in doodles exactly like the ones that Luke had drawn all over Ashton's body. The CD itself is the same way, and Ashton is so, so incredibly fond of his beautiful baby. 

He pops it into the CD player, willing himself to stay awake and listen to the entire thing, laying back on his bed and imagining Luke beside him. He presses [play](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d) and closes his eyes. 

He recognizes the first few songs, ones he's heard Luke humming around his apartment, and a few him and Luke have sung at the top of their lungs in Ashton's car. He laughs when the Burlesque song comes on, because he knows just how much Luke truly does love that movie, and he groans in mock-exasperation when the Jonas Brothers song plays. His boy certainly is a special one. 

He quiets down, however, when it gets to the end of the playlist, and a song he knows all too well begins to play. His heart aches deep in his chest when Taylor Swift reminds him he's still an innocent, he's still the same person he was before Damien ever came into the picture. Tears burn behind his closed eyelids, but his heart warms in his chest, because he knows this is Luke's unspoken reminder that Ashton is so strong, and that Luke is so incredibly proud of him. 

The last note hangs in the air long after the CD has stopped playing, but the warmth in his heart only grows and grows until he thinks he will explode with the sheer intensity of it all. He has never felt this way before. 

It hits him, suddenly, the name of this feeing in his heart, the one that's been haunting him for weeks. He hadn't known what it was until now. Or maybe, he thinks dizzily, maybe he did know, and he was just denying it until it hit him square in the face and made every crumble around him. 

He's in love with Luke Hemmings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** slight mentions of past abuse, boys kissing, cursing, explicit sexual content 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Luke's worried. 

It's been a few days since the last time he talked to Ashton, and while normally that wouldn't scare him, Ashton hasn't even responded to any texts to even indicate that he's alive. Calum had shrugged when Luke asked him, just saying that he didn't know what was wrong with Ashton. He'd looked concerned, however, like he knew more than he was letting on. 

So yeah, Luke's going a little crazy. This is the longest he's been away from Ashton since they started dating, and while he knows it isn't healthy to be so dependent on each other, he likes it better when he's with Ashton. The older man always seems to make everything better, a little brighter and a little more lovely and a little more beautiful. Luke is so in awe of him. 

He sighs to himself, gripping the sides of the steering wheel tightly, looking up at Ashton's apartment building. His stomach clenches, worried about what he'll find if he goes up. He could leave, he could leave right now and no one would ever know, but he knows he can't. He has to do this. He has to make sure Ashton's okay, that they're both okay. 

He pushes himself out of his car, methodically locking the door and starting towards the elevator that will take him up to the floor of Ashton's apartment. Each step feels bigger than the one before. 

The elevator's blissfully empty when he gets to it, the silence leaving him to his thoughts. He presses the button to Ashton's floor, tapping his fingers on his legs when the number on the wall climbs steadily higher, steadily closer to Ashton. 

Luke almost jumps when the doors open, laughing a little at himself. He walks shakily towards Ashton's door, raising his hand to knock, before he hesitates. 

For some reason, he thinks back to the day Ashton met his parents. His heart warms in his chest when he remembers falling asleep on Ashton's chest, his entire family watching how comfortable he was with the older man. He remembers Ashton answering every question his mother threw at him with grace, and how his lips would occasionally press into Luke's hair. 

Most of all, he remembers his mother pulling him aside when they were leaving, her eyes bright when she'd clasped his hands. "I approve of him," she'd whispered, almost as if it was a secret. "He looks at you like you're his entire world, and that's all I've ever wanted for you. He has my seal of approval." 

Luke grins to himself now, still pleased beyond belief that his mother had accepted his boy so readily. Ashton means the absolute world to him, and Luke will never give him up. 

He gets a new bout of resolve, rapping his knuckles gently against the door in front of him. Heart in his throat, he hears footsteps come closer and closer to the door, until the door opens and Calum stands on the other side. 

To his credit, Calum doesn't even look surprised that Luke's here. He just smiled a knowing smile and throws his head back in the direction of Ashton's room. "He's in there," he says, winking before he turns around and disappears back down the hallway. 

More than a little confused, Luke steps into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. The apartment is strangely silent, none of Michael's yelling or Ashton's music filling the space. Something about it makes Luke's skin prickle uneasily. 

Carefully, he fits his hand around the handle of Ashton's bedroom door, listening for any movement on the other side. He doesn't hear any; his concern grows. 

"Ash?" he calls softly, cautiously pushing the door open. 

At first, the room looks empty, clothes strewn over the floor and the bed rumpled. Luke slips more into the room, looking around to try and find Ashton, until he finally does. 

Ashton's already looking at him, his body curled up on the window seat, a blanket thrown over his lap. The light trickling in from behind the curtains highlights how pale his skin is, the dark bags under his eyes looking like bruises. His hair is messy and he's only in his underwear, and the sweatshirt he's wrapped in—which Luke absently recognizes as his own—make him look small. Luke hasn't seen him like this since the night he found out about Damien. The fact that he looks like this now, when Luke doesn't know what caused it, is so worrying Luke feels his knees about to buckle. 

"Ash?" Luke ventures quietly, stepping forward. Ashton blows out a sigh, standing up from the window seat. Luke's heart stutters. 

"Hey, Lukey," Ashton rasps, offering a small smile. It's pained and exhausted though, and Luke feels his heart contract. 

He frowns, stepping forward, one of his hands going to cup Ashton's face. "What's wrong?" he asks gently. "Why have you shut everyone out?" 

Ashton blows out another sigh, his bottom lip dry and cracked. "Don't worry about it, sweetheart. It doesn't matter." There's something in his eyes that shows just how much he's lying, and while Luke would normally leave it there for Ashton to talk about when he's ready, something urges him to push this one. 

"It's not nothing," he protests, stroking one of his thumbs over the skin under Ashton's eyes. "Even Calum—we're all worried about you. You just—you just disappeared with no warning and it was _scary_. What's going on? Why are you ignoring me? Why are you trying to shut me out?" 

There's a little bit of heat in Ashton's voice the next time he speaks, his cheeks filling with a little more pink than they had before. "You wouldn't understand, okay? Just drop it." He pulls away from Luke, walking back over to the window and staring out it. 

Luke gaps at him, stunned for a second, before his own anger starts to grow. "No, that's not fair," he says, his voice significantly sharper now. "That's not how this is going to work. You can't just worry me like that and then tell me it's _nothing_." 

"But it is nothing," Ashton shoots back, not even turning to look at Luke. His hand grips the wall next to him. "It's nothing, just a stupid little problem. I'm just being ridiculous about it, okay?" 

"If it's so stupid and little, why can't you tell me?" Luke counters, taking a step closer to Ashton. He can see the way the older man's back tenses, the way his muscles ripple under his sweatshirt. "Just let me _in_ , Ash, please." 

Ashton lets out a short, frustrated breath. "Luke, I said it's nothing. Please, just—just drop it." 

For once, Luke doesn't back down. "I can't just drop it, Ashton. I'm your boyfriend, remember? And relationships don't work when you keep secrets." His voice softens just a little, his hand reaching in the space between them. "I'm here for you, Ash. I always have been. Please, just let me help." 

"You can't help," Ashton says harshly, but body tensing, but Luke's broken through enough walls to hear how Ashton's voice trembles, and how there's so much pain in him. "You can't fucking help me because—" He breaks off, sucking in a breath. His shoulders tense up. 

"Because?" Luke prompts, taking yet another step closer. This close, he can see himself in the window, his face drawn and concerned, half-hidden by Ashton's shoulders. 

Ashton slumps, his forehead resting on the wall. "Because you're the reason," he admits shakily, his eyes closing. Every single part of him is defeated, every line of him broken and exhausted. 

Luke's breath escapes him in a whimper, his feet taking him a few steps back without him even thinking about it. His eyes well with tears, making Ashton's form blurry and distorted. "Me?" he whispers, the word so soft that he almost can't hear it. He thinks Ashton can hear his heart breaking. 

Ashton spins around, his eyes widening when he sees the expression on Luke's face. He strides forward, his hands framing Luke's jaw, leaning their foreheads together. "No, angel, it's not what you think." He blows out a sigh, his breath tickling Luke's lips. "You're— _god_ , Luke, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." 

Luke struggles weakly, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. "But if I'm the reason– _Ash_ —" 

Ashton cuts him off with a fierce kiss, all teeth and lips because there's no finesse, he's just trying to shut Luke up. "Please, baby, just listen." 

Luke shuts up obediently, his wide blue still full of tears but trained on Ashton. Ashton searches his face, looking for something even if Luke doesn't know what it is. He keeps quiet, however, because the look on Ashton's face is so agonized that he can feel his heart starting to rip into two. Ashton doesn't look away though, and he apparently finds what he's looking for, because then he sighs, looking down at the floor. 

"Luke, I—" He cuts off, makes a frustrated noise, shaking his head. Luke goes to say something, maybe tell Ashton he doesn't have to go on, when Ashton interrupts him, gently, so so gently, his words painfully serious when he whispers, "Luke, I'm in love with you." 

Luke's entire world stops. Time stands still, his heart freezing in his chest, his lungs cut on an inhale. There's nothing except him and Ashton and the words that still hang in the air, so filled with emotion Luke thinks he can actually see them, shimmering in the admittedly small space between them. Then, as quickly as it stopped, the world starts again. Luke draws in a ragged gasp. 

In Luke's stunned silence, Ashton begins to back into himself, already believing he's made the wrong decision in telling Luke how he feels. Nonetheless, words spill from him like a flood, almost like they come without his permission. "I'm in love with you, Luke. Goddamn, I'm so fucking in love with you, and it terrifies me. It scares me so badly, you don't have any idea." He stops, passes a rough hand through his unruly hair, snorting a humorless laugh. "You're not—you aren't Damien, and I know that, I know I know that, because you're too sweet and too perfect to be anything like that bastard, but I will never stop being terrified, you know? I never intended to fall in love. I never intended to give my heart away, because I didn't want it handed back to me barely beating with more than a few cracks _again_. But you—you completely blindsided me, baby, you came in and completely tore every wall I'd ever built to shreds, with just that beautiful smile of yours." He smiles at this, wet with tears and pain. "Somehow, you made me fall in love with you. Somehow, you made me forget I was scared." 

"But how am I supposed to know it's different this time?" he continues, breaking away from Luke's weak hold and striding over to the window, letting his hand slam against the wall. The loud sound makes Luke jump. "I can't be certain you won't do something like he did. I can't be certain I won't get hurt again. I used to think I'd never take the chance, because no one would ever be important enough for me to take a chance with. But you are, sweetheart, you're the most important person to me. You're my _everything_ , baby boy, and you're the only person I'd ever be okay taking a chance with." 

He sighs, turning back to face Luke. His eyes look haunted, tears making their way down his cheek and over his strong jaw, soaking into the neckline of his sweatshirt. "How am I supposed to think you'll ever love me back?" he whispers, his voice catching and breaking more than once through the sentence. Even before he's finished, Luke's shaking his head, silent but still trying to show Ashton's _wrong_ , but Ashton isn't looking at him anymore. He's staring off into space, and by now he's talking more to himself than to Luke. 

"I have so much baggage that I come with, more than anything you should ever have to carry and I—I don't want you to have to deal with this at the same time I never want to let you go. I can't ask that of you, though. I can't ask you to stay when that would be the most selfish thing I would ever do, especially if you don't love me—" 

He's cut off with a mumble, because Luke flies across the room into Ashton's arms and crashes their mouths together. Their teeth clang and Luke's bottom lip gets caught between Ashton's own but it doesn't matter, because it's messy and perfect and so _them_ Luke honestly wants to cry. He thinks he might. He thinks he already is. 

"I love you," Luke mumbles against Ashton's mouth. "I love you so much, I've loved you since the night you saved me from Jones, you mean absolutely _everything_ to me—" 

A whimper gets caught in Ashton's throat, his arms desperately pulling Luke closer, trying to get better access to his lips. Luke falls pliant in his arms, letting Ashton do what he wants, curling his arms around Ashton's shoulders. They stumble back against Ashton's bed, Luke's head falling back with a gasp. Immediately, Ashton presses his lips to Luke's throat, nipping a dark mark beside his Adam's apple. Dizzily, Luke thinks that this is it, they're finally going to go all the way, when Ashton pulls back, skimming his knuckles down Luke's cheek. His eyes are glitter soft and sweet, a small smile playing on his lips. There's still a hint of pain on his face, buried down deliberately deep, but he looks lighter. Happier. 

"Do you mean it?" he whispers, knocking their noses together clumsily. Luke grins, kissing his shoulder through the thick material of his sweatshirt. 

"Every word of it," he mumbles back, turning his head to kiss Ashton's jaw. "I am in love with you, Ashton Irwin." 

Ashton turns his head to nuzzle his nose against Luke's temple, breathing in his scent. "The crazy thing is, I actually believe you." He doesn't give Luke a chance to reply, pulling back and touching his lips to Luke's forehead. "I am absolutely, completely in love with you, Luke Hemmings." 

Luke's smile feels too big for his face, his cheeks burning with the ache of it but his heart pounding with pure joy. There's an expression in Ashton's eyes he's never seen, one so soft and beautiful that it feels too precious to name. There's fear there too, and Luke's stomach clenches at the thought of Ashton being afraid. 

He stretches up, cups a hand around Ashton's cheek. "Why are you afraid?" he whispers. He knows what Ashton's already told him, but something tells him there's more. 

Ashton gives a sad smile, stroking his thumb over the line of Luke's jaw. "What happens if you're just joking?" he says quietly, a far-away look in his eyes. "What happens if you say you love me now, but I wake up in the morning and you're gone?" 

Luke's heart constricts in his chest, his lips parting at the absolute resignation on Ashton's face. He actually believes there's a possibility Luke's joking, or that Luke will leave him. "Ash..." he trails off, sliding his fingers into the thick hair on the back of Ashton's head. 

Ashton laughs ruefully, shaking his head at himself. "You don't have to answer that, it's just me being stupid again." 

Luke swallows, slipping his other hand up Ashton's chest and gently flipping them over, leaning down over Ashton's head. Ashton's hands go automatically to grip his thighs. "There is no way in hell that I could ever be joking with you," he murmurs, leaning down to press his lips to the corner of Ashton's mouth, "and there is no way I would ever leave you. I am so completely in love with you, Ash. How could I not be?" 

Ashton shrugs, looking way too self-deprecating when he mutters, "I could probably give you a few reasons." 

Luke hits his chest weakly, giving a glare that looks too fond to have any sort of heat. "Ashton, you have to know just how amazing you are to me." He shifts a little, balancing with his elbows on either side of Ashton's head. "You're gorgeous, you're funny, you're talented, you're smart, you're a genuinely kind person, you're—" 

"Okay, okay, you don't have to go on," Ashton laughs, reaching up to gently press his fingers against Luke's lips. Just to make him smile, Luke nips at the pads of his fingers, giggling when Ashton's grin makes him cheeks dimple. 

"I love you," Luke whispers. Ashton's eyes soften, his arm wrapping around Luke's back and his other hand cupping the back of Luke's head. Carefully, slowly, he flips them back over, following Luke down to press their mouths together sweetly. 

Luke doesn't let it stay slow and soft though, arching up into Ashton's body, his little hands twisting into Ashton's hair. A familiar arousal pours through him as his legs splay, making room for Ashton to lay between them. Ashton groans deep in his chest when their hips line up, Luke grinding up against him. They're not even kissing anymore, just panting hot breaths into each other's mouths, but Luke can't bring himself to pull away. He feels drugged, too heavy with the weight of the love of in his heart but too light with the knowledge Ashton loves him just as much back. Luke lets out a sinful whimper, bucks up against Ashton again. 

"Fuck," Ashton gasps, wrenching his mouth away from Luke's to pant against his cheek. Luke slips his hands up Ashton's chest, dragging his shirt up with it, up up up until Ashton breaks away just long enough to wrestle both of their shirts off. The feeling of Ashton's bare skin against his own sends a bout of shivers down Luke's spine. 

"Ash," Luke whines, his head falling back against the pillow, leaving his neck bared deliciously. Ashton's too weak of a man to leave that untouched, bruising the skin with his lips over and over again as he pulls Luke's jeans and underwear off. Luke kicks his leg gently, pouting at him. "Hey, you too." 

Ashton looks gorgeous when he laughs, his golden eyes bright and his smile big. Luke's heart stutters in his chest. He lets Ashton strip himself of his underwear before he reaches for him, coaxing him down again to kiss him gently. Ashton slips his arms under Luke's back, pulling him closer, tight against his chest. 

"I love you," Ashton mumbles into his mouth, breaking away to press kisses to his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, his eyelids. "I love you, I love you, _God_ I love you so much, baby boy."

Luke laughs happily, gripping Ashton's shoulders. "I love you," he grins, melting off into a gasp when Ashton gives a pointed thrust down. Ashton chuckles knowingly, pressing his lips to Luke's temple as their hips press together again. 

The smooth, slick slide of their bare skin together is absolutely delicious, so sinfully amazing Luke's brain whites out. He whines, high in his throat, his grip tightening on Ashton's shoulders as he rocks up. He's too close, already, even if they've just barely started, because Ashton's so gorgeous and the sound of his voice telling Luke he's loved is spilling fire in his veins. 

Ashton's the same way, his moan rumbling in his throat. His hand slides around to grip the delicate dip of Luke's waist, urging him to thrust his hips up just right, their cocks lining up with one another. The friction makes Luke's head swim. 

"I'm so close," he gasps, his eyes squeezing shut and his mouth parting around a gasp. Ashton nips at his jaw, panting at against his skin. 

"Me too, baby," he groans, circling his hips against Luke's. The fire blooms brighter in Luke's stomach, pushing further and further into his veins until finally, it reaches the blazing point. 

Luke's mouth opens around a silent scream, his grip bruising on Ashton's shoulders. His back arches when he comes, staining his skin. Ashton's face buries in his neck when he comes, his arms holding Luke tightly against his chest. 

In the aftermath, Luke rests his forehead against Ashton's collarbone, breathing out against his skin. Ashton doesn't let him go at all, pressing little kisses along the side of his faces. Eventually, Luke giggles, squirming to be let go, rolling out from underneath Ashton. 

"I love you," he sighs happily, curling up on his side with his arm around Ashton's waist. Ashton snorts, stretching his arm back to grab some tissues, quickly wiping them both down before chucking the tissues in the general direction of the trash can. 

He curls his arms around Luke's waist, pulling the younger man into his chest. "I love you," he murmurs, kissing Luke's temple. Luke stifles a giggle when Ashton poorly hides a yawn in his hair. 

"Go to sleep, Ash," Luke says, kissing Ashton's jaw. Ashton's lips quirk into a sleepy smile, his eyes half-closed already. 

"I love you," he whispers one more time, before his eyes close and his breathing begins to slow. Luke can only imagine he hasn't gotten much sleep the past few days. 

"I love you," Luke murmurs back, pressing his lips to Ashton's chest before he tucks his head under Ashton's chin and falls asleep.

***

Luke wakes up no more than three hours later, hazy and bleary and still wonderfully exhausted.

He stretches, yawning a little, looking over at the clock on Ashton's bedside table. It's a little later than he originally thought, the time reading just after eight at night. He supposes it makes sense though, considering it was edging towards sunset when he got here, and then they took a few hour nap. 

He snuggles back into Ashton's chest, smiling to himself. Ashton's still sound asleep, his breathing light and even and completely peaceful. He always looks so much younger in his sleep, his guard completely let down and his expression one of innocence. He deserves a few more hours to be asleep, Luke decides. He thinks he'll probably fall asleep again soon. 

Just as he's settling back down, his eyes catch on the note sitting beside the clock, right next to Ashton's CD player. He recognizes it as the letter he left with his playlist, and his cheeks warm when he sees that his CD is still in the player, ready at any moment. He makes a mental note to ask Ashton what he thought of it when they wake up. 

He looks back up at Ashton, feeling a surge of protectiveness flow over him at Ashton's relaxed face. He places a hand over Ashton's beating heart, satisfied with the steady thump under his hand. 

"I will never hurt you," he whispers fiercely, keeping his eyes on Ashton's face. Ashton murmurs in his sleep but doesn't wake up. "I swear to god I will never let you feel anything less than perfect, because that's what you are." 

The exhaustion tugging at his eyelids is too much, and finally he curls back up, letting sleep envelope him. 

He dreams only happy dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** slight mentions of past abuse, boys kissing, cursing 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

When Ashton wakes up in the morning, there's something deep inside him that feels infinitely better than it had the night before. 

He thinks it might have something to do with the beautiful boy laying asleep on his chest, his soft blond hair tickling Ashton's chin. He looks so peaceful and innocent, his mouth gently parted around his soft breathing. His skin is so soft and smooth under Ashton's palm, something Ashton is completely mesmerized by. 

He shifts, drawing Luke closer into his chest. Luke mumbles a little bit in his sleep, nuzzling his nose against Ashton's collarbone. His hand wraps around Ashton's bicep, and Ashton gently kisses the top of his head, stroking his thumb over Luke's hip. 

"I love you," he whispers, hiding his smile in Luke's hair. Luke's quiet breathing is the only answer he gets, but it's the only answer he wanted. 

He wants nothing more than to lay here with Luke until he wakes up, but there's a sort of restless energy buzzing just underneath his skin, thrumming through his blood and urging him to get up. He refuses to wake Luke up though, so he carefully untangles himself and slips off the bed. Luke's eyebrows furrow in faint distress, but they smooth out again when his arms wrap around Ashton's pillow. Ashton can't help but coo at how cute he looks with his cheek smushed against the soft material. 

Calum and Michael are already in the kitchen when he walks out, the radio playing soft music in the corner. Calum's leaned up against the counter, his hands wrapped around a coffee mug and his head thrown back in laughter. Michael's sitting at the table with his laptop in front of him, though he isn't paying it any attention. His eyes are caught on Calum's face, his expression so unbearably fond that Ashton's lips curl into a smile. For the first time, he doesn't feel jealousy when he looks at them. He has what they have, he has the unconditional love they give each other, and it's all thanks to the beautiful boy still asleep in his bed. 

Calum breaks through his thoughts a few seconds later, his eyebrow raised. "You gonna come in, or are you gonna just stand there all day?" He still sounds and looks exhausted. 

Ashton rolls his eyes, stepping into the room. "What are you guys doing up?" he asks curiously, already reaching for the coffee pot sitting next to Calum on the counter. Luke's gotten him hooked on it, though he still wrinkles his nose at the first taste. He always finds it amusing how Luke dilutes his with creamer and sugar but scoffs at Ashton drinking his black. 

"Ash? Ash!" 

Ashton breaks out of his thoughts again to Calum's fingers snapping in front of his face, an exasperated expression in his eyes. Calum glares at him playfully, hopping off the counter and moving to sit himself next to Michael. "What's got you so distracted today?" 

A private smile passes across Ashton's lips, his cheeks flushing a light shade of pink. It still feels surreal, the memory of Luke's lips pressing words against his chest, the sound of his voice every time he'd spoken those words. He doesn't think he'll ever be over it. 

He opens his mouth to say something, maybe let his friends in on their little secret, but Luke chooses that moment to stumble into the kitchen, sleep-soft and clumsy, his eyes drooping still and mouth set in the most adorable little pout Ashton's ever seen. He's dressed in one of Ashton's sweaters, the material falling over his hands and down to his thighs, and Ashton's heart stutters at how beautiful he is. 

"Morning, sweetheart," he murmurs, reaching out to pull Luke into his chest once he gets close enough. Luke goes willingly, his nose nuzzling into Ashton's neck and his body so warm and pliant Ashton feels a little bit more tired himself. 

"Tired," Luke mumbles against his neck, gripping onto his shirt. He whines softly, pushing himself closer, his eyes falling closed. He makes the cutest little snuffling sound, rubbing his cheek against Ashton's shoulder. 

Ashton laughs quietly, smoothing his palm up Luke's back, his lips pressing into Luke's hair. "You could go back to sleep if you want to, pretty boy. You don't need to be up for a while." 

Luke frowns then, pulling back just enough to glare at him with sleepy eyes. "It's cold," he grumbles, managing to steal a little kiss before he pulls back again. "Don't like it when you aren't there with me." 

Ashton grins, pressing his lips to Luke's cheekbone, pulling the younger man closer. "Are you hungry?" he asks quietly, rubbing Luke's back. He ignores the way Calum and Michael are watching them with fond, knowing expressions. 

Luke nods a little bit, whining when Ashton pulls back. He pouts, his wide blue eyes looking so incredibly vulnerable Ashton's heart twists. 

"I'm just getting us some food, sweetheart." Ashton rolls his eyes fondly, letting Luke cuddle back into his chest. He doesn't stop making breakfast, even if it is a little bit harder to do anything with Luke clinging to him like this. He doesn't complain, though. 

Calum has a funny little smile on his face when Ashton turns back to them, putting two plates with bacon and eggs and some fruit on the table. Luke angles his chair close to Ashton's, leaning his head on Ashton's shoulder. 

"You two are awfully cuddly this morning," Calum says brightly, his eyes dancing with mirth. He laughs when Ashton sticks his tongue out, shaking his head. "Seriously, what's going on? I don't think I've seen either of you this clingy. Or this happy." 

Ashton hides his smile, pressing his cheek to Luke's hair. "I don't know. Do you know why we're so happy, pretty boy?" 

Luke looks at him, surprised, before it dawns on him, and a wide grin stretches his lips. He presses his lips to the hinge of Ashton's jaw, curling himself closer. "Hmm, what ever could it be?" 

"C'mon, just tell us!" Michael complains, pouting at them. He looks too cheerful for the exasperated tone in his voice. 

Ashton pretends to deliberate, glancing down at Luke to try and keep the act up. However, the second his eyes meet the beautiful blue of Luke's, he completely forgets everything he's trying to do. Luke just looks so cute, so soft and sleepy and beautiful, and Ashton can't keep it in. "I love you," he murmurs, pressing his lips to Luke's forehead. 

Luke's expression softens, his fingers threading through Ashton's. "Love you," he mumbles back, resting his temple on Ashton's shoulder. 

Ashton goes to open his mouth to say something back, but Calum gasps violently, shooting up out of his seat. Ashton looks at him in surprise, but he can't say anything before Calum is darting around the table, grabbing Ashton's shoulders and hauling him up into a standing position. 

"Did you just say what I think you said?" he asks excitedly, his eyes dark and a little crazed with happiness. His smile is way too big for his face, and his fingers are pressing into Ashton's shoulders a little too hard, but he looks positively joyful. 

Michael gets up and joins him, a twin expression of radiant glee on his own face. He pulls Luke up beside Ashton, holding him the same way Calum is holding Ashton. 

Ashton shares an amused look with Luke, pulling a silly face just to make Luke laugh. "Well, what do you think I said?" he asks, turning back to look at Calum again. He's not fooling anyone, the shit-eating grin on his face is too big. 

Calum scowls at him, shaking his shoulders again. "Did you just say you love him?" he asks seriously, trying to pull any answer he can from Ashton. 

Ashton grins, shrugging a little bit. "Oh, that? I mean, I guess I kind of love him, just a little bit." 

Luke snorts, playfully hitting him in the chest. "That's not what you said last night." He turns to look at Michael, whispering comically loud, making sure both Ashton and Calum can hear him. "He told me he loved me at least twenty times last night, the sap." 

It's silent for a few moments, Calum and Michael's mouths dropped open in complete and utter shock. Neither of them look like they know how to react, until Calum makes a funny little squealing noise and throws his arms around Ashton's shoulders. 

"I can't believe this!" he shouts, swinging the two of them around violently. Ashton laughs, struggling away a little bit. 

"Please don't strangle me," he gasps out between his laughter, finally pulling back and taking refuge behind Luke. Luke giggles, leaning back against Ashton's chest, tilting his head back to nuzzle against Ashton's jaw. 

"We have to celebrate," Calum decides, grabbing Michael's hand and pulling him forward. "Maybe we can go out tonight? No, we're going out now. Go get ready." 

Ashton raises his eyebrow at Luke, shaking his head in fond exasperation. "Where are we going?" he asks. 

Calum smiles a devious little smile. "You'll see," he says.

***

Ashton leans against the railing, his elbows braced on the cool metal and his hands gripping the half-full bottle of beer between them. He looks out over the lights of Vegas, smiling to himself.

"You look happy," a voice says from behind him, and Ashton turns his head just slightly to see Michael coming up to him. 

Ashton smiles lightly, looking back over the dark city. "I am," he confesses, taking a sip from his drink. "God, I'm so happy." 

Michael leans against the railing beside him, looking out at the city in front of him. "Why are you out here?" he asks quietly, glancing over at Ashton. 

Ashton shrugs, looking down at his hands. "I don't know, actually." He takes a deep breath, rubs his thumb against the side of the can. "I kind of needed a minute to myself, I guess." 

"Do you want me to leave?" Michael offers, already pulling back like he's about to walk away. Ashton hastily grabs his shoulder, smiling weakly at him. 

"You're fine," he says honestly, pulling his hand back as quickly as it had gone out. "I—I could use some company now." 

Michael's expression softens, his elbows once again leaning against the metal. After a second of hesitation, he bumps his shoulder against Ashton's, offering him a small smile. "What's got you so preoccupied?" 

Ashton huffs a small laugh, looking down at his hands. One of his fingers brushes against the tattoo just below the base of his thumb, his mind whirling around and around. Finally, he finds his voice. 

"Did I make the right choice?" he murmurs, more to himself then to Michael, but Michael's close enough to hear it. 

His friend frowns, turning to be able to see him more clearly. "What choice?" he asks. 

Ashton sighs, meeting Michael's heavy, concerned gaze. "In letting Luke in." 

Michael's expression clears, his mouth parting in shock a little bit. He looks like he's about to speak, but Ashton barrels on, keen on trying to get his explanation out before he loses his nerve. 

"I mean, he's the best thing to ever happen to me, but am I—is this going to hurt me?" He sighs again, turning his head away so Michael doesn't see the tears in his eyes. "What if something happens? What if he hurts me? What if I hurt him? I haven't done anything since D— _him_ and even before him I didn't have a lot of experience. Luke's the only person I've ever fallen in love with and he's the only person I'll ever fall in love with, but I'm terrified I'll mess this up somehow." 

It's silent for a few moments, save only for their breath and the sound of the cicadas somewhere in the trees below. Michael looks like he's trying to figure out what to say, his eyes a little wide and his fingers stretched slightly towards Ashton. 

"Ash..." he finally murmurs, trailing off like he doesn't actually know what he's doing. "You're not—you're not making the wrong choice here, I promise you." 

"How can you be so sure?" Ashton meant to sound defensive, but all that comes out is a bone-deep weariness and a breath of something that might have been sadness. "What makes you so certain this is what's best for me?" 

"I've never seen you so happy," Michael says plainly. That shuts Ashton up immediately. "I've known you for years, Ash. I've seen you around other people, I've seen you with your fair share of boyfriends. No one has ever made you smile as much as Luke has." He stops for a second, glancing over at the door they'd left. "Calum and I were talking about it earlier, after that whole bombshell in the kitchen this morning. You've been a lot less guarded and a lot happier ever since Luke came in to the picture. He's good for you, I know he is. You two bring out the best in each other. I know you'll take care of him, just like he'll take care of you." Michael stops, looking over at him. "You asked me how I can be so sure? This. This is why I'm sure. When I don't have to worry about my best friend anymore, because I know he's going to be completely fine." 

With that, he lays his hand on Ashton's shoulder, squeezing gently, before he turns around and walks back towards the door. Just before he slips through it, he turns to say one more thing. 

"Call your mom, Ash. She might be able to help you, too." 

Ashton sighs, looking down at his hands as the door closes behind Michael. The night feels a little more cold without his friend by his side. 

He should probably follow Michael's advice, but he's scared. He hasn't talked to his mother or any of his family members in too long, because facing them means facing what happened and he doesn't think he's ready for that. His phone seems to keep getting hotter and hotter in his pocket though, until it burns into his thigh and he has to pull it out. 

He unlocks it before he even thinks about it, going to his phone app and clicking on his mother's name. His heart jumps when he realizes what he's done, but he can't end it now, so he shakily raises it to his ear and waits. 

It rings for a long time, long enough that he starts to think maybe his family don't want to talk to him either, but the line goes through and a small, achingly familiar voice mumbles, "Hello?" 

Ashton's throat feels right but his lips pull into a smile, his eyes squeezing shut. "Hey, Harry." 

The person on the other end squeaks, a loud rustling following it until his little brothers screams. "Ashy!" 

Ashton chuckles, his heart swelling a little bit. "Hey, buddy. What's going on?" 

The little boy on the other end has absolutely no intentions of talking about his life, however. "Ashy, we missed you! Momma said you'd call eventually but we missed you lots and lots and lots and lots! When are you coming home?" 

Ashton nearly chokes on a sob, barely managing to muffle it before Harry would hear it and question him. "I don't know yet, bud. Soon though, I promise." 

Harry seems appeased, if the little squeal he gives is any indication. "Yay! I got a new monster truck I want to show you." He pauses for a second, the line going silent, before he says, "Wait, Lauren wants to talk to you." 

Ashton can't even say anything before his little sister's voice fills his ears, bringing a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. She sounds more guarded than Harry did, most likely because she's old enough to understand that he's been avoiding home. "Hi, Ashton." 

Ashton swallows past the lump in his throat, his voice barely above a whisper when he speaks. "Hey, Laur." 

She hums for a short second before she talks again, her voice much sharper but also much thicker. "Why'd you leave, Ash? Why haven't you come back?" 

Ashton's eyes squeeze shut, his hand curling into a fist against the railing. He takes a deep breath, hanging his head down, resisting the urge to just hang up the phone. "I had to, Laur, you know that. I couldn't stay anymore. I haven't been strong enough to come back." 

For once, he's glad Lauren knows. She doesn't know exactly what happened, and she doesn't know what it did to him, but she knows it was something bad. She sounds much softer now, more like the little sister he used to tuck into bed at night instead of the spitting image of their mother he knows she's turned into. His heart aches when he remembers he wasn't there to see it. 

"I get it, Ash. I really do. I just—" She breaks off, clearing her throat. It doesn't do anything to hide the tears he can hear. "I miss you so much, Ash." Her voice breaks. "I want my big brother back." 

Ashton's tears overflow, his cheeks suddenly wet and his heart aching even more. "I know, sweetheart, I know. I love you so much, don't ever forget that, okay? Tell Harry I love him, too. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can." 

In the background, he hears his mother's voice asking who's on the phone, and Harry's excited squeal of Ashton's name. Ashton's stomach clenches with nerves when his mother demands for the phone, pulling it away from Lauren. 

It's silent on the other end, save only for Anne's breathing, and Ashton gets the feeling she's waiting for him to speak, so that she knows this is real. He swallows, gathering up his courage. 

"Hi, Mom," he whispers, his voice shaking so much he's scared she won't hear him. He hears her breath catch, before a sob echoes in his ear.

"My baby," she sobs. "Oh, my baby boy, my son." She sounds so relieved, like she was just waiting for him to call, waiting for some kind of sign that he was okay. 

Ashton's tears stream down his face, his teeth biting into his lip to keep from crying out. It's overwhelmingly comforting to hear his mother's voice and to know she still loves him, and he wonders why he hasn't called her sooner. "Mom, I'm sorry—" 

"Sh, baby, don't say sorry," she coos, still sounding like she's crying. "I'm just glad you're okay. Are you? Okay, I mean?" 

Ashton smiles down at the little heart on the base of his thumb. "I think I am, yeah. Things are—they're better than they were." 

"I'm so glad to hear that, Ash. How's Vegas treating you?" It's something Ashton's always loved about his mother. Instead of asking why Ashton's been avoiding them for months, and instead of asking him for information he may not want to give, she's asking what she knows he needs to hear. 

"It's good for me. Cal and Mike have been amazing, and I have a job, and I—" He stops for a moment, turning his head to focus his eyes on the blurry shape of Luke through the window. When he speaks again, his voice is so quiet he doesn't know if she'll hear him. "I met someone." 

Ashton can practically hear her surprise. "That's—that's great, Ash. What are they like, then?" 

Ashton smiles softly, watching Luke through his head back in laughter. "His name is Luke and he's the best person I've ever met." His mother doesn't interrupt him, likely knowing he has too much to get out before she can talk again. "He's so beautiful, Mom, inside and out. He's funny and he's sweet and he's a pain in the ass but he's my pain in the ass. He's the closest thing to perfect I've ever seen. Mom, I—I love him." 

Anne gasps, sounding so impossibly shocked Ashton would laugh if he was in any other situation. "You love him? Does he know?" 

Ashton grins, his cheeks beginning to hurt from how much he's smiling. "I told him last night, and he—he loves me back." 

He can almost hear Anne's grin. "That's wonderful, Ashton. I'm so happy for you." She sobers quickly. "Does he know about what happened?" 

Ashton sighs, for once not feeling the need to hide at the mention of his past. He hopes that means he's healing. "He's known for a while now, and he... Mom, he went through something similar." He hears her gasp, and can only imagine her expression right now. "He's okay, he's doing fine. I think he's healing, and I know he's doing it quicker than me. He knows everything about me." He pauses. "He isn't like _him_ , Mom." 

"Are you sure?" Anne sounds worried. "He sounds like an amazing person, but are you completely certain? I—I can't watch you get hurt again, Ashton. He almost broke you last time, I can't bear the thought of it happening again." 

Ashton smiles humorlessly, looking out over the lights of Vegas. "I've thought about it, Mom. Believe me, I have. It's the reason I was terrified to fall in love with him before he finally showed me how much of an idiot I am." He chuckles lightly, his heart warming. "Mom, I wouldn't be with him if I thought he'd turn out the same way." 

He hears her sigh. "I know that, baby, I just worry. That's what mothers have to do." She laughs. "So, when do I get to meet this Luke boy, see if he's right for my baby?" 

Ashton ducks his head with a wry grin. "I'll talk to him about it and get back to you. I think he's been wanting to meet you, too." 

"Perfect," Anne says. Ashton hears a little bit of a scuffle on the other side, before Anne speaks again. "I have to go, Ash, Harry's getting feisty and I promised to take them to the park. Call me later, okay? I missed hearing your voice." 

"I will, Mom. I promise. Tell the kids I love them." 

"Will do, Ash. Goodbye. 

Ashton ends the calls, holding his phone in his hands as he looks out over the city. He hears the door open behind him, but he doesn't turn his head. He knows exactly who it is, a fact that's strengthened when a familiar hand runs down his back. 

"Hey, baby," Ashton murmurs, his lips curling into a smirk as he turns his head to meet Luke's eyes. Luke grins at him, stepping closer to him, curling into him when Ashton opens his arms for him. 

"Hey," he whispers back, nuzzling against Ashton's neck before he tilts his chin at the phone in Ashton's hand. "Who was that?" 

Ashton presses his lips into Luke's hair, winding his arms around Luke's waist. "My mom." 

Luke pulls back to look at him, his lips parting in astonishment. "Really?" he asks, his eyes lighting up with excitement. "You were talking to your mom?" 

"And technically my brother and sister, too," Ashton says casually, amused when Luke's eyes light up even more. 

"Ash, that's wonderful!" he gasps, pouncing forward to press his lips to Ashton's in a fevered kiss. Ashton laughs against his mouth, pulling him even closer. 

"I haven't spoken to them since before I moved out here," Ashton mumbles when they break away from each other, their foreheads pressed together lightly. He shrugs. "I was avoiding them for the longest time, because they were reminders of what I left behind and what happened there." He grins, opening his eyes to look at Luke. "God, it feels so good to talk to them." 

Luke looks so insanely happy, his mouth curved upwards in an almost permanent position. "I'm so happy for you," he says, stealing another kiss. "I'm so proud of you, you have no idea. You made it through all the shit life threw at you and I can't believe I get to call you my boyfriend. Fuck, Ash, I love you so much." 

Ashton turns around, trapping Luke between the railing and his body, pressing his lips to the corner of Luke's jaw. "I love you so fucking much, baby boy," he mumbles, trailing his lips down to Luke's pulse point. He sucks gently, pleased when Luke's hands grip into his hair. He remembers something, suddenly, and pulls back, laughing at Luke's disgruntled expression. 

"Mom wants to meet you," he says hurriedly, almost rushing the words out in his haste to get his lips back on Luke. 

Luke arches an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? When?" 

Ashton shrugs, crashing forward again bury his lips against Luke's shoulder, yanking his shirt away to get to the skin. "Dunno. Whenever we want to go back to Australia," he mumbles against the soft skin, relishing in the shivers that go down Luke's spine whenever his tongue touches his skin. 

Luke gasps, his head tilting back. "Sounds fine to me," he pants, dragging Ashton's head up to kiss him. It starts out fiery, tongues and teeth and bruising lips, before it unexpectedly slows down, becoming just a simple press of mouths together. 

"I love you so much," Ashton tells him again, knowing he could never say it enough. Luke's eyes sparkle, his fingers brushing through Ashton's hair. 

"I love you more than anything," he whispers. He grabs Ashton's hand, starting to pull him away. "C'mon. Let's go home." 

Ashton lets Luke lead him away. "That sounds perfect." 

Not for the first time, he's so glad he met Luke. He knows he's incredibly lucky to have this beautiful, precious boy in his life. He swears to himself he's not going to mess this up, no matter what. He'll be damned if he lets Luke get away now. He's never letting Luke go.

He'll make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** slight mentions of past abuse, boys kissing, cursing, explicit sexual content
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

The Burlesque Lounge is exactly as Ashton remembers it. 

It's loud, almost loud enough that he can't focus on anything else, and the colors keep blinding him. Through gaps in the crowd, he can see flashes of sequins from the costumes of the people on stage, and he knows Luke can see it too. The other man doesn't comment, however, just tightens his grip on Ashton's hand and pulls him through the crowd. 

Just like the last time they were here, Luke doesn't even look at the security guards standing in front of the doors back stage. He just pushes through the door and leads Ashton through the dressing rooms until he comes to what Ashton remembers as the door to Serenity's office. 

Luke leans against the wall beside the door, drawing in a deep breath. "I've always hated that crowd," he grumbles, rubbing his chest until his breathing slows. 

Ashton brushes his thumb over Luke's cheek, stepping into his space a little bit. "You okay?" he asks quietly. 

Luke shrugs, turning his head to kiss Ashton's palm. "Yeah, I'm fine. Those crowds just always make me anxious, s'why I've always come in through the back door." 

Ashton arches an eyebrow. "So why didn't we come in through the back door?" 

Luke stops, looking up at him with a blank expression before his eyes narrow. "You know, that's actually a good question. Why didn't we come in through the back door?" 

Ashton rolls his eyes, pushing Luke's shoulder gently. "I can't believe you're like this. Why do I love you?" 

It's still so new, so strange to be able to admit his love out loud. He doesn't think Luke's used to hearing it, especially because he knows he's not used to saying it. He doesn't think he ever will be. 

Luke's face breaks out in a massive grin, his hand reaching out to fist in the bottom of Ashton's t-shirt. "Because I'm a lovable person," he whispers, trying to be sexy but failing when he can't even say it without giggling. Ashton rolls his eyes again, pulling Luke in by his belt loops. His boy is effortlessly sexy, honestly. 

"Is Serenity here?" he asks, stroking his fingertips over Luke's hip bones. Luke shrugs, brushing Ashton's hair from his forehead. 

"Dunno," he says. "She should be, she texted me and told me to come in today, but I don't know if she's in her office or not." 

"That's because she's not," a new voice breaks in, and both boys turn their heads to see Serenity walking up with Ashley behind her. 

Luke's lips curl up at the edges. He breaks away from Ashton for a short second, hugging Serenity and then Ashley in turn. Neither of them seem eager to let him go. Ashton can understand why. 

Serenity offers him a huge grin when she passes him, affectionately squeezing his arm. "Ashton," she says warmly, opening her arms for a hug. Ashton grins back and melts into her, genuine warmth filling his belly. 

"You look happier than the last time I saw you," Serenity comments, unlocking the door to her office and holding it open for him. He thanks her and steps into the room, chuckling when Luke and Ashley run to catch up. 

"I feel happier," he replies honestly, letting his eyes find where Luke and Ashley had taken to talking in the corner. Ashton's heart squeezes in his chest, his cheeks hurting from the grin on his face. He knows Serenity will have put two and two together, but he's okay with that. 

Just as he thought, Serenity has a soft, knowing look on her face when he looks back at her. She doesn't say anything, just offers him a sweet smile before she turns away. 

"Luke, we've got to get this figured out," she says, her voice taking on a more authoritative tone. Luke looks up, his smile dimming a little as he nods. 

Ashley steps around the desk, perching herself on the arm of Serenity's chair with her arms folded across her chest. Luke sits down in the chair across from them, his hands clasped against his legs. Ashton's certain it's to keep them from shaking. 

Serenity sighs, leaning forward so her elbows brace on the table. She looks completely serious, a look Ashton's only ever seen on her once. "Luke," she starts, fixing him with an intense gaze. Luke doesn't flinch. "I hope you know that we all love you here. You've made this place better and we all know it. We'd be crushed if you left, but given the circumstances, everyone would be completely understanding." She pauses, giving him room to say something if he wants to. When he doesn't, she continues. "With that said, I do have the offer I told you about. I know you don't want to dance anymore and that's completely okay, I don't want you to do something you aren't comfortable with, but if you still want to work here… Well, the assistant manager spot is still open." 

It's silent for a little bit after she's done, all eyes on Luke. He looks a little lost in his own head, most likely trying to figure out what he wants to do. After a while, he turns his head to look into Ashton's eyes, probably searching for an answer within their depths. Ashton can't make this decision for him, however, so he just offers a small smile. It does the trick, though, and Luke turns back to Serenity with a deep breath. 

"I'll do it," he says, his voice trembling but his smile sure. 

Serenity blinks, a little dumbfounded. That obviously wasn't the answer she was expecting. "Luke, are you sure? I don't want to dissuade you from your choice, but remember what happened here. I want you to be completely comfortable." 

"You don't have to do this just because you think everyone wants you to, baby," Ashton breaks in, his face almost completely expressionless. "You choose what you want to do, Luke. Let everyone else deal with it." 

Luke sighs, playing with his fingers. "I really do want to work here," he says softly. His head shakes on a humorless laugh. "Yeah, some bad things happened but—this was my home before all that. And even through it, I had you guys, and the boys, and everyone else. Just because J-Jones was a dick doesn't mean everyone else is." He raises his chin. "I don't want to let him dictate what I can and can't do. I want to work here." 

No one comments on how Luke stuttered over Jones' name, though Ashton can tell they're all thinking it. The air in the room is tense for a few seconds, before Serenity stands up with a huge grin. 

"Welcome back, Luke," she says fondly, moving around the desk to pull him into a tight hug. Ashton smiles at how Luke buries his head in her shoulder, clinging to her for dear life. "I hope this time is better for you." 

Luke nods against her shirt. "I hope so too." His voice is slightly muffled, but Ashton can hear the wobble in it. His heart aches to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. 

Serenity pulls back a second later, cupping Luke's face and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. She looks into his eyes for a short moment, before she turns him around and gently pushes him in Ashton's direction. Ashton laughs, opening his arms and catching Luke when he crashes against his chest. 

He can feel the way Luke trembles, and he can feel the slight wetness against his collarbone. He doesn't comment on it. He just presses his lips into Luke's hair and tightens the arms he has around Luke's waist. Luke draws himself in closer, his hands fisting in the back of Ashton's shirt. 

"I love you," Ashton murmurs, dragging his lips down to Luke's ear. "I'm so proud of you, pretty boy. You're the strongest person I know." 

Luke sniffles and tucks his face into Ashton's neck. Ashton doesn't care about the wetness he can feel smeared against his skin. "Am I making the right choice?" he whispers. 

Ashton is struck with deja vu, thinking back to when he'd asked almost the same question to Michael. Ashton was questioning his strength to love Luke, Luke is questioning his strength to return to the Lounge. 

Suddenly, Ashton is hit with the answer, and he nuzzles against Luke's cheek until he looks up at him. "Yeah, baby, you are," he whispers, pressing his lips to the corner of Luke's eye. "This is where you belong. I know you can do it." 

Luke searches his eyes for any hint of a bluff, before he nods shakily. "Okay," he breathes. "I believe you." 

Ashton grins, watching as Luke turns back to Serenity and signs the papers to officiate him as the assistant manager. Ashton's heart swells, because he knows this is what Luke needs. 

Both of them are strong enough to finally be able to heal.

***

Luke is practically vibrating with energy by the time they get home.

He couldn't sit still in the car, chattering away and fidgeting every second. Ashton had laughed so hard he almost couldn't drive, because Luke just looked so funny with his flailing hands and wide eyes and red cheeks.

Now, Luke is almost bouncing off the walls to his apartment, running around restlessly. He keeps stopping in the middle of the room, looking around for something, and then taking off again. In some ways, Ashton compares him to a dog desperately needing to be walked. 

"What's got you so hyped up?" he laughs from where he sits on the couch, a cold beer in his hands. Luke looks over at him, chewing on his lip for a second before he's off again. 

"I feel really happy!" he calls over his shoulder, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with his own beer. He plops himself down on the couch next to Ashton, but he still doesn't stop moving. He squirms around until he finds a comfortable spot leaned against Ashton's shoulder, but even then his legs keep fidgeting around. 

Ashton snorts, taking a sip from his beer, slinging his arm around Luke's shoulders. "You're like a dog," he says fondly, nudging his nose against Luke's temple. "You have too much energy." 

Luke arches an eyebrow, pausing in his movements just long enough to stick his tongue out at Ashton. "Dogs don't have too much energy, they just need something to get all their energy out on." There's a spark of heat in his eyes when he says that, accompanied by the subtle curl of his mouth into the smirk Ashton knows all too well. 

Ashton mirrors the look, knowing his eyes have darkened. "Oh yeah?" He leans forward, enough that his breath passes warm over Luke's lips. "I think I have just the thing to get your energy out."

Luke's lips part in shock for a second, and then he all but throws himself at Ashton, settling himself on Ashton's lap. Ashton barely has time to put his beer on the floor before Luke is kissing him, hot and heavy and hard like it's the last time. His hands first in Ashton's hair and his mouth is bruising, but Ashton is just as gone for it as Luke is. He's just as ready to lose himself in a kiss, so his hands circle around Luke's waist and slide down to his ass, cupping it through his jeans and coaxing him forward to press their hips together. 

Luke chokes on a moan, his teeth nipping at Ashton's bottom lip before he drags himself away, rolling his hips down. His mouth is swollen and bruised, his lips tinged red, and Ashton feels a surge of smug satisfaction flow through him. _He_ did that. 

"Feels good, doesn't it, pretty boy?" he breathes, his voice almost a growl from how raspy it is. Luke whimpers, his head falling down to Ashton's shoulder. Even now, he's squirming, his hips dragging over the line of Ashton's cock like he's _daring_ Ashton to do something. Ashton groans, turning his head to bite a bruise against Luke's jaw, sucking on the tender skin. 

"Bed," Luke gasps out, his fingers tightening their hold on Ashton's hair to the point it's painful, but Ashton likes it. "Bed, now, please." 

Ashton chuckles lowly, bumping his lips against Luke's ear. "Since you asked so nicely." He doesn't give Luke a chance to respond, swinging the younger man up until he's clinging to Ashton's front with legs around his waist and arms around his shoulders. Luke squeaks, tightening his hold. 

Ashton laughs, gripping Luke's thighs to keep him up as he starts moving towards Luke's bedroom. "Relax, pretty boy," he murmurs. "I'm not going to drop you." 

Luke looks properly affronted when Ashton drops him onto the bed, his eyebrows furrowed and his best glare in place. It looks ridiculous in contrast to the red flush that's spread down his neck, which, paired with the way his chest heaves and his shirt is rucked up, make him look like a proper mess. 

Ashton groans, low in his throat, falling onto his knees over Luke. "Fuck, baby," he curses, settling with his hands on either side of Luke's head. "You look delicious." 

Luke quirks an eyebrow at that, but any reply he was going to give dies when Ashton trails a hand down his front to palm him through his jeans. Luke gasps, his head throwing back against the pillows, his hands gripping Ashton's shoulders tightly. Ashton grins, dipping his head to lick at where Luke's pulse is erratic against his skin. 

"Ash—" Luke whines, his hips bucking up into the air. His back arches, his hands sliding up into Ashton's hair to grip tightly. Ashton laughs against his skin, biting a bruise behind his ear. "Please, Ash—I want—" 

Ashton pulls away, a smirk curling his lips at his disheveled Luke looks beneath him. "What do you want, baby?" he rasps, stroking his fingers over the strip of skin from where Luke's shirt is rucked up. 

Luke moans, his head tipping back into the pillows, his mouth falling open in pleasure. Ashton's barely doing anything, and he already has Luke falling apart. There's nothing Ashton loves more than making Luke feel good. 

"Your—" Luke breaks off with a whimper when Ashton's teeth bite into his shoulder. "I want your—your— _fuck_ , Ash—I want your fingers." 

That makes Ashton pause, his body tensing with surprise. Slowly, he pulls back, looking Luke in the eye. "Are you sure?" he whispers, brushing his fingers along Luke's cheek. Luke bites his lip, nodding up at him. 

"I'm certain," he promises, leaning up to steal a kiss. 

Ashton blows out a breath, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "Have you ever done this before?" he asks finally. 

Luke shakes his head. "Not with anyone else, no. I've done it to myself a few times." He rolls his eyes at Ashton's concerned look. "C'mon, please." He grabs Ashton's hand, thumbing over his fingers with a naughty grin. "I want these inside of me." 

Ashton blinks, stupefied, before he growls, blanketing Luke's body with his own. He's quick to yank Luke's shirt over his head, mouth watering at the pale skin exposed to him. As quickly as he can, he sheds his own shirt and makes fast work of their pants and underwear, groaning when they're both fully naked. 

"Where's your lube?" Ashton asks lowly, trailing his lips down Luke's jaw. Luke sighs in content, stretching underneath him like a handsome cat. 

"Top drawer," he mumbles, gripping Ashton's shoulders tight enough that there will probably be bruises there in the morning. 

Ashton grins, reaching over and pulling the lube out from the drawer. Luke watches him with half-lidded eyes, his arms stretched out over his head. His chest moves up and down with his rapid breathing, but his smile is bright. 

Ashton doesn't use the lube immediately. He sets it down beside Luke's hip and settles over him, booking his arms underneath Luke's shoulders to hold him close. His lips press against Luke's throat, slowly moving down to his collarbone in an attempt to make Luke relax. It works, as Luke goes boneless underneath him. 

"You're so beautiful," Ashton whispers against his skin, dragging down his chest as slowly as he thinks Luke can handle. Luke's breathing is a little ragged, and his fingers keep twitching from where they're loosely wrapped around the back of Ashton's neck, but he's calm and relaxed. Ashton dares to let his tongue dart over the jut of Luke's rib, relishing in the way Luke's breath stutters. 

Luke squirms a bit, bucking his hips up as if trying to remind Ashton what he really wants. Ashton takes his time though, skimming his lips down the flat of Luke's belly, the pale skin soft under his lips. He bites a few marks over Luke's hips, smearing lovebites over the insides of his thighs until he's trembling and begging for some kind of attention. Then, and only then, does Ashton take the lube and slick his fingers up, rubbing them together to make sure it's warm. 

He slides a hand under Luke's shoulder blades, pressing his lips against Luke's hip as one of his fingers nudges against Luke's hole. Before he does anything, he looks up at Luke, waiting until their eyes have met before he speaks. "If you want me to stop at any time, tell me." 

Luke nods, smiling down at him, one hand gripping his bicep while the other returns to its near-permanent position in Ashton's hair. "I promise. I trust you, Ash," he whispers. 

Ashton smiles back at him, taking a deep breath and looking down at where his finger begins to disappear inside of Luke. 

He takes it slow, stopping every few seconds to give Luke the time to adjust. He's no stranger to how this feels, the strange feeling of something inside of him. It's always a little weird at first, a little invasive, so he makes sure to gauge Luke's reaction, only letting his finger sink in all the way when he's certain Luke's okay. 

"How is it?" he murmurs, looking up at Luke. Luke's eyes blink open slowly from where he'd closed them. He offers a small smile, squirming around a little bit to judge.

"Good," he says honestly, brushing Ashton's hair from his forehead. "Keep going." 

Ashton exhales shakily and nods. His thumb strokes against Luke's side as he slowly pulls his finger out and presses it back in, slowing down when Luke makes a small noise that sounds just slightly too uncomfortable. 

He keeps it slow for a while, barely pulling his finger out before nudging it back in. He only speeds up when Luke gently kicks his back and demands he continue. Even then, things don't really get interesting until Luke begs for more. 

Ashton tugs his finger free, huffing a small laugh at Luke's displeased whine. He drizzles more lube on his fingers, returning his finger to Luke's hole but lining a second one up with it. 

He takes it slow again, though he knows from experience it gets better after the first. Still, he doesn't want to hurt Luke. He keeps the pace steady until both of his fingers are buried to the knuckle. 

Luke gives a little whine at the full feeling, tilting his hips slightly and sighing in content. He nods at Ashton, encouraging him on. Luke's eyes are blown wide, his cheeks red and flushed all the way down to his chest. He loves it, it's clear he does, so Ashton lets himself relax a little. 

Tentatively, he drags his fingers out and fucks them back in, stretching Luke out even more. Luke moans at that, his lips parting at the pleasure. Satisfied, Ashton does it again, this time spreading his fingers apart a little bit. Luke enjoys that just as much, if not more. 

Gaining more confidence now, Ashton speeds up his fingers, fucking them in faster and faster until Luke's writhing on the bed, his hand tightening on Ashton's bicep. Ashton grins, nipping at Luke's thigh before he pulls back a little. 

"How's that feel, baby boy?" he asks, his voice a low rumble deep in his chest. Luke whimpers. "You like the feeling of my fingers in you, don't you? Like how they spread you? C'mon baby, tell me how it feels." 

Luke lets out another whimper, fucking himself back on Ashton's fingers. "S-so good, Ash, so g-good," he sobs, stuttering from the pleasure. Ashton grins, pushing his fingers in deep and grinding them in, angling his wrist until he can find that one little spot—

Luke's hips shoot off the bed, a scream echoing from his lips as he clenches down automatically. Ashton presses mercilessly against his prostate until Luke has tears streaming down his cheeks, and then he slips his third finger in, making Luke clench down tightly. A long, drawn out moan escapes his throat, the hand on Ashton's bicep trailing up his own chest to play with one of his nipples. Ashton has to tear his gaze away before he comes. 

He fucks his fingers in as fast as he thinks Luke can handle, spreading them apart and stretching Luke out. Now that he's no longer afraid of hurting him, Ashton can actually focus on how good he feels, tight and wet and sinfully hot just around his fingers. Ashton can barely even imagine what he'd feel like around his cock, if it ever happens. 

Luke clenches down again, his head throwing back in pleasure. His eyes are screwed shut and his chest is heaving, both signs he's close, so Ashton lets his lips skim up the underside of Luke's dick, smirking at the sob Luke lets out. He presses his lips to Luke's belly, fucking his fingers in again and again and making sure to hit Luke's prostate every time. 

"Gonna come for me, sweetheart?" His voice is low, gravelly, and it makes Luke's hips stutter. He whimpers, high in his throat, and his fingers clench in Ashton's hair as he drags him up to pant against his mouth. 

"T-thank you," he grits out, his mouth smearing against Ashton's chin. "L-love—love y— _Ash!_ " 

His head rips back in his orgasm, his hips fucking up off the bed and his ass clenching down around Ashton's fingers so tightly Ashton almost can't breathe. He dirties his stomach, staining his skin, and he goes completely boneless afterwards. 

As gently as he can, Ashton pulls his fingers free from Luke's body, wrapping his hand around himself and coming after only a few strokes, adding to the mess on Luke's stomach. He was so close watching Luke lose himself in the pleasure, it's no wonder. 

He basks in it for only a few short seconds, panting against Luke's shoulder, before he pushes himself up, walking into the master bathroom. He washes his hands quickly, getting the lube and come off, before he wets a soft washcloth in warm water. He walks back out, snorting at Luke's limp form on the bed. 

"You're ridiculous," Ashton grins, gently wiping Luke's stomach and between his legs before he throws the washcloth in the general area of the sink. 

Luke cracks open an eye, scowling at him adorably. "Excuse me, I just came harder than I ever think I have. Let me live my life, okay?" 

Ashton laughs loudly, getting off the bed once again to rifle through Luke's clothing to find them something to wear. He stops, however, when his fingers brush against familiar fabric. 

"My AC/DC shirt?" he asks in disbelief, pulling the shirt off the hanger. "How long has this been here?" 

Luke cranes his head to see what Ashton's talking about. "Since that one time you stayed over," he says, stretching his back out, rolling onto his stomach. "I swear, most of your clothing has migrated into my closet at some time or another, and I think half of my closet is at yours." He's silent for a moment, before he speaks again, his voice so quiet Ashton almost can't hear him. "Maybe it would just be easier if we lived together." 

"What?" Ashton is shocked, staring at Luke with a stupefied expression, the t-shirt still caught in his hands. 

Luke looks over at him with an unreadable expression, but Ashton knows him well enough to see the anxious sincerity to his smile. "Think about it. You spend more time here than you do at your apartment. The only time you're there, basically, is when I'm with you." 

Ashton can't argue with that, honestly. Slowly, he drops the t-shirt, forgoing the clothing and climbing into bed beside Luke. "Are you… asking me to move in with you?" 

Luke rolls onto his back, one of his hands going to cup Ashton's cheek. He shrugs, smiling tremulously. "Yeah. I guess I am." 

Ashton stares down at him for a second, trying to make sure he's serious, before a massive grin splits his face. He sucks his head, scattering kisses all over Luke's cheeks and forehead, laughing buoyantly. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, you idiot. Did you really think I'd say no?" 

Luke laughs along with him, pulling him so that he lays on top of him. "I don't know! I was a little worried about it, to be honest. I was thinking about it for a while." 

Ashton calms down, his smile softening. "I love you," he whispers, nuzzling their noses together. "Of course I'd say yes." 

Luke smiles up at him, leaning up to kiss him gently. He tastes like sunshine and happiness, and Ashton pulls him closer, desperate for more. 

"I love you," he whispers again, and the night is lost in kisses and whispered words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** a lot angstier than i originally intended, big discussion of past abuse, mentions of anxiety
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

"Yes Mom, both of us are doing fine." Ashton adjusts the phone between his ear and his shoulder, reaching up with his other arm to push a few books onto the shelves. "He took the job at the lounge, he's been working there for the past few weeks." 

Anne sighs on the other end. "Are you sure he's okay? I don't know if it's healthy for him to be there so soon after what happened." 

Ashton smiles, shaking his head to himself. Out of all the things he expected when he began talking to his mother again, his mother falling in love with Luke wasn't one of them. He supposes it's not unlikely, given that Luke is one of the most amazing people he's ever met, and that Anne has the natural instinct to mother anything that breathes around her. She talks to Luke all the time, sometimes even instead of talking to Ashton, and it makes Ashton absurdly happy. 

"I promise he's doing okay," Ashton assures his mother, turning back to the counter and grabbing a few other books. "I went with him the first couple of days or so, don't worry. He's adjusting really well. I think it's helping him, being there. He's getting closure." He puts a book back on the shelf and pauses. "Besides, he's mostly staying backstage. He doesn't like having to be in the main room any more than he has to, so he just stays in his office most of the time." 

Anne's silent for a moment, before she says hesitantly, "That's good, then." Her voice turns more brisk when she asks, "What about you? Still doing okay?" 

Ashton rolls his eyes, leaning back against the counter for a little bit. "I'm fine, Mom. I'm still working at that record store I told you about, and I've been helping out in Cal's bookstore lately. I'm doing just fine." 

It's true; money-wise, he's in a great place right now. Bennett had upped his hours a few weeks ago, which had upped his pay, and Calum pays him too, even though Ashton insists he don't. There's no kind of struggle for money like there was when he was back in Australia. 

Ashton finds it relaxing, being around books all the time. Calum hasn't officially hired him, and Ashton keeps telling him not to, but he's been here almost as much as Luke has, and that's saying something. In fact, the younger man's just upstairs in Calum's office, doing some paperwork while Ashton restocks the shelves. It's been a quiet afternoon, something Ashton's glad for. 

Anne blows out a breath, drawing his attention back to the phone in his hand. "That's not what I meant, honey," she whispers. 

Ashton's breath catches in his throat, his eyes darting up to where he knows Luke is right now. He swallows, forcing himself to turn back to the books still sitting on the counter. His voice sounds stronger than he thought when he says, a little too sharply, "Mom, I'm _fine_." 

"You don't sound fine." 

Ashton stops in the middle of the bookstore, gritting his teeth and blinking quickly to keep his eyes from tearing up. As much as Ashton loves his mother, he's never found it particularly easy to talk to her about the things that have happened to him. Maybe it's because he knows she'd coddle him more than he wants, or maybe it's because he'd feel awkward, but no matter what, he's never been good at admitting he's hurting to her. The few times he has are almost always when he's on the verge of a breakdown, and there's no one else he can turn to. 

Anne must take his silence as a cue to go on. "You sound agitated," she continues, and he hears rustling on the other end. Suddenly, he pictures her on the couch back home, phone pressed to her ear as she stares out the big window. It's a sight he'd seen many times when he was younger. "I was talking to Luke yesterday and he's worried you aren't letting yourself heal. He's worried you're just bottling everything up again." 

Ashton makes a noise somewhere in his chest, half-way between frustrated and pained. He scrubs a hand over his forehead, passing it through his hair roughly. "Mom, I promise I'm okay—" 

He cuts off, however, when he turns to face the glass wall staring out the front of the store. His eyes lock on the beat up red truck, similar to Calum's but a little more eerie, that had been there when he'd pulled up nearly three hours ago, and for some reason, his skin crawls. He doesn't remember seeing anyone get in or out, but through the tinted windows he can just barely see the shape of someone sitting at the driver's side. Someone who looks like they're staring directly at him. 

He frowns, stepping forward to look closer at the car. He's vaguely aware that his mother is practically yelling at him down the line, trying to figure out what's going on, but he can't seem to look away. The figure moves for a second, shifting into the sunlight streaming through the window, and Ashton's eyes lock on a hauntingly familiar face he still sometimes sees in his nightmares. 

He gasps, skidding back a few steps. The figure's face is once again shadowed by the tint of the windows, and Ashton can't be sure if what he saw was real or just a figment of his imagination. Either way, his breath quickens, and he turns and flies up the stairs to Calum's office as quickly as he can, his grip tight on his phone. 

"I think I just saw D— _him_ ," Ashton gasps out to his mother, cutting her off and ignoring the way she immediately starts shouting in favor of throwing open the door to Calum's office. 

Luke looks up from his paperwork, startled, before he takes in the frantic expression on Ashton's face and the wild look in his eyes. He stands up, rushing over to Ashton, cupping his face in his hands.

"What happened?" Luke asks him urgently, searching his eyes for any indication of what's going on. Ashton just shakes his head, his grip loosening on the phone to the point he thinks it might drop to the floor. Luke takes it from him, holding it to his own ear as he sweeps Ashton into his body. 

Ashton blocks out the sound of Luke and his mother talking, slipping his arms around Luke's waist and pressing his face to Luke's shoulder as tightly as he can. His breath is escaping him in pants, but the odd thing is, his chest isn't tight. He realizes a little stupidly that he isn't having a panic attack. His breath is rushed because he ran up the stairs, not because he's afraid. 

He frowns, touching his fingertips to his own chest. His heart is already calming down, the beat just slightly too fast but nothing compared to the gallop it races at when he's anxious. He's still aware of everything, from the slightly too cold air from the air conditioner to the softness of Luke's sweater under his cheek. He's absolutely amazed. 

He isn't panicking. 

Does that mean he's healing? The last time he saw Damien, he had one of the worst panic attacks he's ever had. He hasn't been able to think of Damien and what he did without wanting to scream, but he's okay right now. Does that mean he can admit what happened? Is he getting better? 

He feels Luke's hands slide up his back, and he refocuses enough to notice Luke's hung up and is slowly murmuring to him. Ashton brings his attention back to the present, focusing on the words. 

"You're okay, you're fine, I promise that you're safe," Luke murmurs, pressing kisses to his temple. "That bastard isn't going to hurt you, just breathe, okay?" 

Ashton almost snorts, though he figures that wouldn't be the best response. He turns his head to meet Luke's eyes, seeing his own shock reflected there. "Luke, I'm not panicking," he says quietly, before a wide smile spreads over his lips. "I just saw Damien and I'm not panicking!" 

Luke's face is completely stunned for a few seconds, before he practically screams in excitement, throwing his arms around Ashton's shoulders and clinging to him. Ashton laughs, swinging the two of them in a circle. He can barely believe it. 

Luke plants his feet on the floor to stop their momentum, and before Ashton can ask him what's wrong, Luke grabs him by the back of his head and drags him down for a hurried kiss. 

Ashton sinks into him just like he always does, melting into his warm body and his lips and the way he tastes. It's a hard kiss, a little too much teeth and a little too much tongue, but Ashton welcomes it all the same. He'll never get tired of the way Luke feels in his arms, the way the younger man grips his hair just on this side of too tight. 

"I love you so much," Luke mumbles against his lips, dragging his mouth against Ashton's cheek so his words can be heard. "I'm so proud of you, you have no idea." 

Ashton chuckles lightly, pulling back to look at Luke with a bemused smile. "Why? I didn't even do anything." 

Luke stares into his eyes with a serious expression. "You're healing," he says softly. "You just saw the man who hurt you and instead of panicking, you're standing here smiling. Ash, you didn't see how you were when we saw him in that club. It scared me so bad to see you like that. And now—" He cuts off with a happy noise, rubbing his thumb over Ashton's jawline. "You said his name," he whispers. "I don't think you realize it but you said his name. You've only done that when you were telling me what he did, and even then it hurt you to say it. But you just said his name and you know what that means?" 

Ashton looks at him with a soft smile. "What?" 

Luke beams at him, stepping even closer. "He doesn't have any power over you anymore." 

Ashton's frozen for a second, staring at Luke in disbelief, before his eyes well with tears. His voice is wet when he says, "I love you so fucking much." 

Luke tucks his head under Ashton's chin, trailing his fingers over Ashton's chest. "You mean everything to me," he says simply, pressing his lips to Ashton's throat. 

They stand there for a long time, holding each other tightly. Luke doesn't mention the tears he can feel silently hitting the top of his head, because he knows Ashton needs this. He knows Ashton needs to let it out before he can attempt to go on. 

Finally, Ashton steps back, wiping at his cheeks with a sheepish smile. "It's strange," he laughs, reaching out to cup the side of Luke's neck. "I don't think I've ever felt this light." 

Luke steps back into his space, tilting his head just right to kiss him gently. It's nothing more than the sweet press of their mouths together, but it makes Ashton's heart race faster and makes his stomach clench in excitement. 

"C'mon," he mumbles against Luke's lips, pulling back to kiss Luke's nose. "Let's go home." 

Luke grins, sweeping all of his papers into his bag and threading his fingers with Ashton's. "I like the sound of that." 

Ashton leads the way down the stairs, ignoring the books still on the counter. Calum can deal with them later. He deliberately doesn't look at the red truck still parked across the street. He can feel eyes burning into the back of his head, but he doesn't turn. The only response he has is to tighten the grip he has on Luke's hand and drag him in to kiss his temple. He kind of wants to push Luke in front of him, shielding him from Damien's eyesight, because his heart skitters in fear at the thought of Damien taking notice or interest in Luke. It's not that far-fetched, since Ashton knows Damien will hurt anyone he can to get what he wants. If Damien hurts his boy, there will be hell to pay. 

Luke's quiet when they slip into Ashton's car, his teeth worrying at his lower lip. Unlike Ashton, he hasn't looked _away_ from the red truck. There's concern in his eyes, and anger, and just a touch of fear that makes Ashton's heart clench. He takes Luke's hand again, pulling it up to press kisses against his knuckles. 

"He won't hurt you," Ashton promises, purposefully not giving voice to the thoughts he'd had moments prior. He won't let Luke out of his sight long enough for Damien to hurt him. "I won't let him." 

Luke gives one last glare to the truck before he turns his solemn gaze on Ashton. "It's not me I'm worried about." 

Ashton doesn't think he can answer that, so he doesn't try. He just puts the car in reverse and slowly backs out. He doesn't miss the way the truck's tires turn in his direction, or the way it pulls out right after he does. Luke squeezes his hand, but Ashton ignores it, keeping his eyes on the car. He glares where he thinks Damien's eyes are and makes unnecessary turns until the truck, and Damien, are no where in sight. 

Luke blows out a sigh, leaning his head on Ashton's shoulder. "Please be careful," he pleads. "I don't want to think about what he'll do to you if he sees you alone." The kiss he presses against Ashton's bicep is fleeting and scared. 

Ashton kisses the top of his head, turning onto the freeway that will take them back to the apartment. "I will, baby," he promises. "I'll call Michael and Calum and tell them about it, too. Now, enough about Damien, okay? He's worthless to me. Let's just have fun, you and me, alright?" 

Luke bites his lip but nods anyways, exhaling shakily. "Okay." 

It's silent for a long time, both of them too lost in their thoughts to try and initiate conversation. After a little while, Luke reaches out to turn on the radio, but even that does little to distract them. Ashton can tell Luke's worried, if the tight grip he has on Ashton's shirt is any indication. Ashton wishes he knew what to say to make his fears evaporate, but the truth is, he's terrified himself. 

Damien is unpredictable, always has been, even when Ashton knew him in college. He's always been too wild to be considered healthy, but back then Ashton had found it endearing and simply a little quirk. His stomach clenches at the thought of that little quirk being the reason one of them gets hurt. 

Although, if he thinks about it, Damien's never been a violent guy. Aggressive, yes, with enough anger issues to warrant years of therapy, but he's never liked to hurt people. That doesn't mean he won't, Ashton knows that, but he's hoping what he knows about Damien is still true. He's hoping that the only thing Damien will want is _him_ , and that he'll leave Luke alone, as well as Michael and Calum. 

He sighs, turning the car down the road to the apartment building. He feels Luke burrow closer, his hair tickling Ashton's chin, before Ashton carefully parks the car. They remain sitting even after Ashton's killed the ignition, trying to gather their thoughts long enough to say what they need to say. 

Finally, Ashton breaks the silence, leaning his cheek down on top of Luke's hair. "Please be careful," he whispers, echoing Luke's words from earlier, his voice breaking slightly. "I know you aren't worried about yourself but I'm—I'm worried about you. I don't know what he'll do and I don't know what he really wants and—" He breaks off, blinking past the tears suddenly forming in his eyes. "Please take care of yourself. I couldn't bear the thought of you getting hurt because of me." 

Luke's breathing is soft, but it stutters for a second before evening out again. He doesn't say anything at first, just turns his head and nudges his nose just underneath Ashton's jaw. "I promise," he mumbles, his breath warm against Ashton's skin. "Come on. Let's go upstairs." 

Ashton lets Luke drag him out of the car, shutting the door behind him with a soft click and chuckling when Luke tugs him towards the elevator. 

"We both need to relax," he grins, leaning in to gently touch their lips together once the button's been pressed. "How's a bath sound? Think we're unpacked enough for that?" 

Ashton laughs, stroking his thumb over Luke's cheekbone. "Considering it's only my things we need to unpack, I think yes," he teases, stepping into the elevator and pressing the button for the fifth floor. 

Luke rolls his eyes, leaning back against the wall. "We got rid of a lot of my stuff," he reminds him. "Remember? All the things that you had something better for." 

Ashton snorts, leaning against the wall beside Luke. "That's a really good way of describing it, thanks, love." 

Luke scowls adorably, nipping at Ashton's chin. "You know what I mean." 

Ashton takes Luke's hand in his own, dragging it up to brush his nose along the inside of Luke's wrist. "I do, I just like messing with you," he says truthfully. "You're cute when you get flustered." 

The elevator doors open then, before Luke can say anything, and Ashton uses the opportunity to pull Luke into his chest, pressing his front to Luke's back and walking them towards their apartment. Luke giggles, fishing out his keys and letting them into the apartment. 

"I'll go start the bath," Ashton murmurs, pressing his lips against the back of Luke's neck before he pulls away, starting down the hall. 

"Do you want some tea or something?" Luke calls after him, heading into the kitchen. 

"Hot chocolate?" Ashton calls back. 

He doesn't get an answer, but he wasn't expecting one. He just pushes open the door of Luke's master bathroom, switching the light on. 

It's times like these he's glad Luke's apartment—and now _his_ apartment—is spacious to the point it's a little ridiculous. Everything is lavish and beautiful, ornate and just slightly too big for two people, but Ashton loves it. The bathroom is the kind of bathroom you'd only see in a spa, with a big walk in shower and a huge tub plenty big enough for two grown men. 

The faucet creaks when he turns on the water, steam slowly starting to rise into the air the more the tub gets filled. Ashton sits on the edge of the tub, watching the water steadily climb higher and higher as his thoughts start to wander. 

As much as he doesn't like it, his thoughts circle back to Damien. He hates how that vile man, the one who hurt not only him but, indirectly, the ones he loves, takes up so much room in his head. He hates thinking about Damien and what he did, because it hurts. 

He sighs, putting his head in his hands. Once again, he thinks of the beautiful boy just down the hall, the boy who's broken through every wall Ashton's ever built and made a home inside his heart. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to him. 

A soft hand trails over his bare shoulder from behind, sliding down his chest as the other comes up to hug him. Luke's lips gently press against his cheek, his nose nuzzling against his neck afterwards. Ashton exhales a shaky breath, leaning back against Luke's chest, his hand wrapping around Luke's wrist. 

"It's going to be okay," Luke murmurs, bringing one of his hands up to card through Ashton's hair, gently pulling out the tangles. He kisses Ashton's temple, leaning his cheek against the top of Ashton's head. "We're going to be fine." 

Gathering himself, Ashton nods, turning in Luke's embrace to tilt their foreheads together, his hand cupping Luke's cheek. "I love you," he whispers, softly kissing him. 

Luke smiles against his lips, pulling away and tugging on his shirt. "C'mon," he murmurs. "Let me take care of you for once." 

He makes quick work of both of their clothing, shedding them of layer after layer until the still slightly chilly air of the bathroom brushes against Ashton's bare skin. Once both of them are naked, Luke presses a kiss to Ashton's shoulder, nudging him into the warm water of the bath. Luke closes the bathroom door before he joins, completing the air of privacy and making it that much more intimate. 

"Come on, Ash, lean forward," Luke whispers, stepping into the bath behind Ashton and coaxing him to lean back against his chest. It's wonderfully comfortable, the water having cooled off a bit but still blissfully warm, and Luke's thumb brushing along the skin under his belly button. 

"I love you," Luke murmurs into his damp hair, kissing the space just behind his ear. "Nothing can change that." 

Ashton doesn't say anything back, but he thinks Luke understands the feelings buzzing around in his heart. He grabs Luke's hand, dragging it up to press his lips to Luke's palm. 

The bath is less about getting clean and more about feeling their skin touch, so neither of them bother with soap. Ashton resolves to just take a shower in the morning, because now he's much too tired to even think of doing it tonight. Luke's skin against his is too comfortable and he's too warm sitting where he is to try and move. 

He leans his head back against Luke's shoulder, closing his eyes and sighing in content. He can feel the tension leaking out of his shoulders, his muscles going limp now that the stress is leaving him, at least for the time being. Everything is so wonderfully cozy, he doesn't think he can be blamed when all he wants is to sleep. 

"I love you," Luke murmurs, kissing his temple, and they spend the rest of the night in comfortable silence.

***

"Are you saying Damien could try and— _hurt_ one of you?" 

Ashton nods gravely, blowing out a sigh. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying." 

Calum looks upset, his arms crossing over his chest. "So you guys are in danger." 

"That's not what I'm saying—" 

"Ashton, your crazy bastard of an ex is stalking you!" Calum's voice is shrill, his eyes wild with panic. Not even the arm Michael wraps around his waist can calm him down. 

Ashton closes his eyes, tucking his chin down against his chest. He feels Luke's hand brush against his arm, but the younger man doesn't say anything. 

"Cal, I get that you're angry," he says, his voice quiet. "Believe me, I do. I'm pissed off, too." 

Michael's eyes are dark when he looks up, his expression troubled. "What are we going to do?" he asks. Ashton is surprised but glad at the fact his friends have decided to bear the weight of this problem with him. 

"Nothing, for the time being." Ashton has to raise his voice to be heard over Calum and Michael's sputtering. "How am I supposed to do anything if _he_ hasn't done anything this time?" That shuts them up. "Look, I get that we all want to flay the guy. He's a bastard and an asshole and hell is too good for him, but I don't want him going after you guys." He gives the boys a hard look. "Just be on alert, okay? I only told you this so you could be vigilant." 

"And help protect you," Calum adds. At Ashton's glare, he snorts. "Please, did you really think I'm letting you out of my sight? Hell no, Ash. Not after what he did last time." 

Ashton sighs, turning to look into Luke's eyes. They share an unspoken conversation, before finally Ashton looks back at Calum and Michael. "There's no way I can convince you to just forget about it, is there." He doesn't phrase it as a question. 

Calum smiles brightly, draping his arms over Ashton's shoulders. "Nope. We're a family. We stick together." 

Ashton reaches out to grab Luke's hand, nodding his head firmly. When he speaks, he's trying to convince himself as much as them. "Yeah. Together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** discussion and mention of past abuse, mention of anxiety, depressive themes
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

The sky is unusually gray when Ashton pushes opens the door to the music store, the clouds swollen with rain and hanging ominously overhead. It's so rare of Vegas, the city usually so hot and sunny it's almost unbearable. Ashton revels in it. 

Kara's behind the counter organizing something, though she glances up when Ashton walks in. She offers him a small smile, too concentrated on her task to really greet him. 

Ashton grins to himself, leaning against the counter beside her, waiting patiently for her to pay attention to him. He's got time. It's actually something he hasn't had in a while. 

Finally, she finishes what she's doing and turns to look at him, raising one delicate and nearly done eyebrow. "Can I help you?" she asks, the sarcasm dripping from her voice. 

Ashton smiles brightly, not letting it deter him. He leans in close, pretending like he's saying a secret when he murmurs, "Just wanted to let you know I'm in love with Luke." 

Her face is absolutely blank for a second, pure shock leaving her looking like she doesn't care. Ashton holds back his laugh and pushes away from the counter, heading towards the back to clock in. He makes it about halfway when she stops him. 

"Hey, wait!" she calls after him. He turns, his mouth curling into an expectant smirk, noting how she looks seconds away from dashing towards him and hugging him. He doesn't think he'd be opposed. "What the fuck did you just say to me?" 

Ashton does laugh at that, relief and amusement swirling together in an interesting combination in the pit of his stomach. "I'm in love with Luke," he says slowly, emphasizing each word as if she couldn't understand him. "Y'know, my boyfriend? Tall, blond, blue eyes, super cute—" 

"I know who Luke is, asshole," she scowls, finally stepping out from behind the counter. She folds her arms across her chest, giving him an appraising look. "Repeat that for me one more time, okay?" 

Ashton takes a deliberate step forward, raising his chin and squaring his shoulders as he announces, "I'm in love with Luke Hemmings!" loud enough that anyone in the building would be able to hear it. 

Kara's expression softens, and that's when she finally runs forward and throws her arms around Ashton's shoulders, drawing him down to her height and squeezing him as tight as she can. "I'm so proud of you," she murmurs, gripping the back of his shirt. "So, so proud." 

She repeats the words into the silence between them, enough that Ashton begins to wonder if this is for her as much as it is for him. Not for the first time, he wonders where the similarities between him and her sister start, and where they end. 

Ashton takes a few moments before he responds, trying to center his thoughts and seem a little bit put together. It's just, Kara's the first person he's told about his love for Luke. The first _real_ person. The first person who wasn't his mother or Calum and Michael, his best friends that are so close to him they could be brothers. The first person he's told who has absolutely no obligation to care or still love him the same. 

It's a little daunting, honestly. Yes, Kara helped him figure things out before he'd even admitted things to himself. Yes, she'd been there multiple times to help amuse him when he couldn't seem to do so himself. Yes, she'd been one of the only people Ashton knew wouldn't judge him on his feelings. She's helped more than she'll ever know, but does that really mean the same thing as affection? As love? 

He's not ashamed of his feelings, not anymore. Luke has always been one of the only things he's ever gotten right, one of the only things he's ever been truly proud of. He's never been ashamed of the love he feels for his boyfriend, never. Afraid, yes, but never ashamed. 

Can he say the same for his other feelings, though? Can he say the same for the thoughts and feelings that still flinch because of Damien, the thoughts and feelings that still cower because of things better left in the past? Kara's seen those feelings, or at least a partial amount of them. Kara's seen the way he shattered in on himself, empty with little shards of glass poking out of his wounds until he was strong enough to pick them out and rebuild what had been broken. She's seen the way he punished himself, by refusing to accept the love he now knows he deserves. Inexplicably, he thinks of the book quote Luke has taped on their bedroom wall, the quote that says something along the lines of, _We accept the love we think we deserve._ The truth in that statement rings within Ashton, and he finally takes a breath to speak. 

"I didn't even do anything," he mumbles, his words muffled by the fabric of Kara's shirt. His face is smushed against her shoulder with the way she's holding him, there isn't much he can do about it. 

She pulls away, giving him a stern look. "You're kidding, right?" The hands she still has on his shoulders tighten. "Ash, you did _everything_." 

Ashton lets out a disbelieving snort, ducking his head to look down at his feet. He feels vulnerable, flayed out and bare in front of her. "What exactly did I do, then?" 

Her hand is gentle when it nudges against his chin, coaxing him up to look at her. "You let yourself fall in love," she says simply, as if it makes the most sense in the world. "You let Luke break through your walls and get past your defenses. You let yourself heal." 

Ashton's heart stutters weakly in his chest, his eyes welling up with tears at the serious expression on Kara's face. He opens his mouth to argue, to tell her he really did nothing, but she slaps a gentle hand over his mouth and fixes him with a withering glare. 

"Don't you dare try to argue with me," she snaps, her eyes fiery but somehow still playful. "Don't undermine what you've been able to overcome. Don't make it seem like you aren't making progress." 

Ashton sighs, carefully pulling himself away so he can lean back against the wall behind him. Nothing against Kara, but being touched for prolonged periods of time by someone he's not fully comfortable with still makes his skin prickle with unease. 

"Why did it take me so long?" Ashton asks her, his voice quiet. He probably shouldn't be asking this, since Kara is not a therapist and therefore probably doesn't have the answer, but he can't take it back now. 

She shrugs, leaning on the wall beside him, thankfully far enough away Ashton can still focus. "A person can't get better until they _want_ to get better. You had to believe you could be healed, and you had to want to be healed, I guess." 

It makes sense, all things considering. Even when he accepted Luke wasn't going anywhere and let a relationship between them bloom, there was the part in the back of his head that was ready to take off at a moment's notice. There was still the part of him ready to throw up any and all defenses. 

Kara lays a gentle hand on his shoulder, offering him a smile. "You've done a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for." 

Ashton nods, looking out the window across from them. The sky's opened up in the time he's been in here, rain pelting the glass and the clouds a nasty gray-black. For some reason, it sends a curl of comfort through his veins. If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine he's back home with Luke, curled up on the sofa in soft sweatshirts and mugs of tea. 

"Your sister," he finally says, not looking away from the rain, "did she want to be healed?" 

It might not be fair, he realizes, to bring up Kara's sister who was hurt just as bad as he was, if not more. She might not want to talk about it. 

Kara is silent for a while, most likely thinking, before she speaks, her voice quiet and subdued. "Not at first. She thought she deserved the pain because it was her fault." Ashton doesn't have to tell her he felt the same way. He thinks Kara already knows. "And then she just, she realized that maybe she did deserve the happy ending after all. She let herself be healed, actually by her boyfriend. Fiancé, actually." 

Ashton nods distractedly, his eyes focused on all the lightning strikes that keep stabbing the air. "Did she ever see the man that hurt her again?" 

Kara looks at him sharply, probably seeing straight through his casual tone and blank expression. She turns to face him, her hand hovering in the air between them like she wants to comfort him but doesn't know how. "Ashton, what's going on?" 

Ashton chuckles humorlessly, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the wall. The dull pain from where his skull meets the wood is a small distraction. "The guy that hurt me—Damien, is his name, I'm not sure if I ever told you—he's back. He, uh, Calum thinks he's stalking me." He snorts. "Can't say I blame him. He did sit outside Calum's bookstore while I was there just to watch me." 

He chances a look at Kara, looking at the way her face is etched in horror. She swallows, her voice shaky when she asks, "What's—what does he want?" 

Ashton shrugs, bringing one of his hands up to run his fingers through his hair. "Me, most likely. He, he showed up at a bar we went to once, before me and Luke started dating, and he just, he tried again. To do what he did. I think he's just not done with me yet." He sighs, closing his eyes to keep them from tearing up. "I'm scared he's going to hurt Luke," he admits quietly. "I'm scared he's going to use Luke to get to me or just hurt Luke because he's my boyfriend." 

The expression on Kara's face has gone from horror to terror, and it takes Ashton a moment to realize she isn't afraid of the man he's described to her. No, she's afraid for him, because she cares for him. It's a strange feeling. 

"Please be careful," she whispers, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. He doesn't move to wrap an arm around her, but he doesn't push her away. "I don't want you or Luke to get hurt." 

He sighs again, returning his gaze to the weather outside. The gray clouds and the angry rain feel the same way he does. "I'll try," he says. 

It's the only thing he can promise to her.

***

It's pleasantly warm in the apartment once he steps in, the rain from outside having chilled his bones and wet his jacket. He's not used to this, since Vegas is usually so bright and sunny that the idea of rain is unfathomable. Of course the day he isn't prepared for it is the day it pours. 

He can smell something delicious baking in the kitchen, so he quickly sheds his jacket and boots, walking into the kitchen just to find Luke on the phone, leaned back against the counter. There's flour smudged against his cheekbone, the same flour apparently having been thrown across the entire kitchen, but Ashton can't even find it in himself to be angry. Luke looks adorable cuddled in one of his sweaters and a pair of sweatpants, and the weather outside has made Ashton pleasantly sleepy. 

He hides a yawn behind his hand while he walks across the kitchen, slipping his arms around Luke's waist from behind. The younger man startles, probably not having heard him come in, though he quickly relaxes back against his chest. 

"That sounds wonderful," he says to whoever he's talking to on the phone. "Hold on one second, okay?" 

Luke pulls the phone away from his ear enough that he can turn his head and press his lips to Ashton's cheek, his other hand grabbing for Ashton's and pulling it across his chest. "Hey, baby," he mumbles against Ashton's skin, "how was your day?" 

"Long," Ashton mumbles back, burying his head in Luke's shoulder. "Tiring. But now I'm with you, so it's okay." 

Luke smiles softly but doesn't comment, turning his attention back to whoever is on the other line. "Hey, sorry. Yeah, that was Ash, he just got home from work." He pauses, pulling the phone away again to smirk and say, "Your mom says hello." 

Ashton raises a tired eyebrow. "You're talking to my mother in the phone?" 

Luke sticks his tongue out. "Of course I am. Got a problem?" There's a hint of mischief in his eyes, as if he's daring Ashton to say something. 

Ashton smiles against the crook of Luke's neck, rubbing his nose against the warm skin. "Of course not." He sighs. "I'm gonna go lay down for a little, okay? Take all the time you want, babe." 

Luke looks vaguely concerned but still nods anyways, waving him off and turning back to both the phone and whatever is in the oven. Ashton spares his boyfriend one more look before he trudges into the living room, unceremoniously dumping himself onto the sofa. 

Once he's laying down, his tiredness hits him full force. He's absolutely exhausted, both physically and mentally, and he feels like he could sleep for a thousand years. His conversation with Kara aged him, he thinks, because he feels older and more vulnerable than he was, flayed out in all the wrong ways. He knows Luke can see it, he's just waiting for the younger man to comment on it. 

The rain pattering against the window is a soothing sound, a white noise compared to the thunder of his own thoughts. It helps him doze off into a state of being half-asleep and half-awake. He can never fully fall asleep unless he has Luke's skin pressed against his own. 

It only feels like a few seconds before Luke is then curling onto the couch with him, settling into his side. He's quiet, just tracing his fingers over Ashton's chest, but Ashton knows he'll bring it up in a second. He's gotten good at dealing with Ashton's breakdowns. 

"What happened?" he eventually whispers, tilting his head to rub his nose against Ashton's jaw. He's learned over the months that physical contact is what works best when it comes to Ashton. 

Ashton sighs, turning onto his side and pulling Luke into his chest. He feels tired, a bone feel exhaustion that centers in the pit of his belly and spreads throughout his veins. It's the type of tired that makes him feel as if he's made of lead. 

"Talked to Kara today," he mumbles, his voice scratchier than he thought it would be. "She brought up you, and my past, and then I brought up Damien..." He trails off, blowing out a sigh. "Was just a lot to handle, that's all." 

Luke pauses in his drawing over Ashton's shirt, looking up at him with an unreadable expression. Ashton can see something swimming around behind the carefully placed facade of neutrality; he can't quite place what it is, and it makes a ball of anxiety form in his chest. 

"I think you're overwhelming yourself," Luke says carefully, his words slow and tender. Ashton knows he shouldn't interrupt, so he keeps quiet, looking at Luke to show he's listening. "I think you're trying to prove to everyone that you won't break again and it's killing you. You're allowed to have feelings, Ash. You're allowed to break down because of what's happening. Hell, if I was in your shoes, I don't think I'd have left the house. You're so strong, but that doesn't mean you're indestructible." 

As usual, Luke hits the nail on the head. Ashton sighs, wiggling himself down on the couch to be able to lay his head on Luke's chest. The steady, slightly fast, _thump thump thump_ calms him down. 

"I'm trying," Ashton murmurs, fisting his hand in Luke's shirt like he's afraid if he lets go Luke will disappear. "It's just—It's _hard_ and I don't know if I know how to do it—" 

Slowly, he works himself back up into hysterics, his voice choking with tears and his throat closing up. Luke immediately bundles him closer, soothingly running his fingers through Ashton's hair. Ashton struggles to hold in his tears, though of corse Luke notices.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to play strong around me," he says gently, pressing his lips to the crown of Ashton's head. "You know I won't love you any less if you break down."

Ashton keeps quiet for a second or two, weighing his options, before a ragged sob is ripped out of his throat. Once it starts, Ashton can't seem to stop it. The tears flow and the pain rises until Ashton's choking on it, choking on the sadness and everything. Luke doesn't try to say anything, just rubs his back and kisses his hair and holds him closer. 

It's strange, Ashton thinks to himself, pressing himself as tight as he can to Luke's chest. Usually he's the kind of person to hold everything in until he explodes, almost killing himself and any one close enough in the process. He doesn't let his guard down easily, especially not after what happened with Damien. He's the kind of person to shelf his own problems and take on others, and that's always how he's been. It makes his chest warm slightly to think that he trusts Luke enough to break down in front of him. 

He doesn't even realize he's calmed down until Luke pulls back to press his lips just under Ashton's eyes, the skin sticky and damp but starting to dry now. Once he's done, he pulls back, leaning their foreheads together. 

"I love you," Luke whispers into the space between them, stroking the backs of his knuckles over Ashton's jaw. "I love you so much. Thank you for trusting me like this." 

Ashton smiles, burrowing himself back in to Luke's embrace, tucking his face into Luke's neck. "I love you lots." 

It's quiet for a few minutes, the only sounds being Ashton's slightly labored breathing and the rain that still hits the window outside. Luke's fingers never stop their pattern against Ashton's back, dragging up and down and back again. Ashton contents himself to trace over any of the moles on Luke's neck, connecting them with his fingers and making constellations. 

Luke breaks the silence a moment later, resting his chin on the top of Ashton's head. "I think now might be a good time to go back to Australia." He feels the way Ashton tenses in surprise. "Hush love, just listen. Your mom was talking to me about it when you came home. She wants to meet me, face to face, but she wants to see you again. I think her exact words were that she wants to hug you and never let you go." Ashton lets out a laugh at that. "The point is, I think it would be good for you. You'd get to see your family again, I know how much you miss them, and I just think you need to get out of here. You need a break." 

Ashton mulls it over. He knows Luke's right, that he really needs a break and he needs to get out of Vegas before something happens. He's still scared though. He hasn't seen his mom in the entire time he's been in Vegas, which now that he thinks about it, is almost a year. He's scared of what his family will see when he goes back for the first time. 

Luke must sense his anxiety, because he squeezes him gently, kissing his cheek. "You don't have to have an answer right now. I told Anne I'd talk to you about it, so just think it over, okay?" 

Ashton nods. "I love you so much, Luke," he says, his voice raw and emotional. 

Luke pulls back in surprise, but his lips are pulled into a delighted smile. He doesn't say anything back, but Ashton knows how he feels. He knows what Luke thinks. 

He leans up, desperate for more contact. Luke gets what he wants and ducks his head, pressing their mouths together in a kiss that makes Ashton's blood run hot. 

It's not even one of their hot and heavy kisses. It's just the simple glide of lips over lips, but still, Ashton feels his chest tighten with the love he feels. 

Luke twists until he's on top of Ashton, pressing him down with his weight. It's something he only does when he knows Ashton needs to feel safe and protected. He brings their lips back together, this time swiping his tongue along the seam of Ashton's mouth, holding him close while he licks inside. It's still sweet and gentle, no matter how dirty it could get, and Ashton clutches at Luke's back desperately. 

Luke pulls back a moment later, burying his face in Ashton's collarbone, struggling to catch his breath. After a moment, he slides back down onto his side beside Ashton, letting Ashton curl back up against his chest. It's closeness he'll need for the rest of the night. 

Ashton kisses Luke's throat, and even though he knows he shouldn't, he whispers, "I'm sorry." 

Luke stiffens, pulling back with an expression of shocked anger. "What the hell are you apologizing for?" 

Ashton shrugs, dropping his eyes. He feels uncharacteristically vulnerable. "Just, you have to deal with all this shit that I come with, like Damien and my anxiety and—" 

Luke cuts him off with a bruising kiss, framing his hands around Ashton's face. "You have nothing to apologize for," he says seriously, his eyes dark. "It's that bastard's fault for ever hurting you in the first place. You've never done anything wrong, Ash." 

Ashton squirms, playing with the hem of Luke's t-shirt to keep from meeting his eyes. "I just don't like worrying you." 

Luke's expression softens. "Ash, it's my _job_ to worry about you. I'm your boyfriend, no matter what you do I'm going to worry. Just, just let me take care of you, okay? Please." 

Ashton does. It's a beautiful night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, this is a very special chapter, because guess what??? it's been one whole year of writing this fic !! i never thought id get the support and love ive gotten with this fic and im so thankful for those of you who comment and message me on tumblr and those of you who just really like this fic. i hope you enjoy it to its end (which is close but shhh). anyways, here's to one year of tanrftw !! 
> 
> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** discussion and mention of past abuse, lots of cussing, explicit sexual content at the end 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Ashton is uncharacteristically quiet for days following his break down. He follows Luke around almost like a disorientated puppy, his expression morphing into one of lost confusion whenever Luke steps too far away. It's unnerving, to say the least. 

"This can't be healthy," Calum whispers as quietly as he can, his hands wrapped around a mug of tea. It's the first time he's ever been in Luke and Ashton's apartment. "This isn't him." 

It's true; even now, when Michael had coaxed Ashton into searching for the perfect movie with him, something he's just using as a distraction to wean Ashton of his clinginess to Luke, Ashton keeps sending unsure, slightly scared glances over to Luke. He looks seconds away from either burrowing into Luke's chest or darting from the room. 

Luke sighs, leaning back in his chair. In truth, it scares him too. He's never seen Ashton like this, but he's not going to let it deter him. His boyfriend needs him right now, and Luke is damn sure he'll be there for him. "He's going through a tough time right now, Cal. He just needs some support." 

Calum sighs. He looks troubled. "Fuck, I'm so worried," he mutters to himself, quiet enough Luke doesn't think he was meant to hear it. Calum raises his voice so that Luke can hear him. "I get that, Luke, I really do, but it's just concerning, you know? I'm not used to this." 

Luke bites his lip, plastering what he hopes is a reassuring smile on his face when Ashton looks back at him again. "I'm not either. He'll be okay though, I know he will. He just needs to feel safe, and I can do that. I can make him feel better." 

Calum doesn't get the chance to answer, because that's when Luke's phone goes off on the counter behind them, the obnoxious ringtone blaring through the room. Ashton jumps at the loud sound, so Luke silences it as quickly as possible, answering the call without checking to see who it was. 

"Hello?" he says, standing up to put his mug in the sink. 

"Luke?" Anne sounds relieved, and Luke is struck with the sudden realization he'd told her something was wrong with Ashton and had then not checked in with her at all. She must be worried sick. "Are you okay? Where's my boy?" 

"He's fine," Luke sighs, sparing a glance over to where Ashton and Michael are. He isn't surprised to find Ashton looking back. "Do you want to talk to him?" 

He doesn't wait for Anne to confirm, just holds the phone out for Ashton to come take. "Ash, it's your mom," he says. He doesn't miss the way Ashton swallows. 

Ashton disappears into another room with the phone the second he grabs it, almost rushing to leave. Luke can't figure out if it's because he feels too cramped in the room, or if he knows something is up. 

Michael looks up once Ashton's gone, and the expression on his face is the same as Calum's. However, he doesn't try to tell Luke what they already know. Instead, all he asks is, "Is he okay?" 

Luke blows out a breath, sitting down on the couch and putting his head in his hands. "I don't know," he says lowly, unsure if they can actually hear him but not caring enough to raise his voice. "I hope. I think talking to Anne might help him but I guess we'll see." 

Calum nods in understanding, standing up from the kitchen table and wandering over to Michael, curling up in the older boy's lap. He doesn't say anything, but none of them have to. They all know what's going on. 

It's difficult, Luke knows, to fully move on after something as traumatic as Damien happens. He knows Ashton will carry the scars from what happened for the rest of his life, and he's so fucking proud of his boy for having the strength to push through it every day and still do it with a smile. It just sucks, as his boyfriend, to watch him struggle so hard and not be able to fully take away the problem. Luke knows a little about how Ashton's feeling, but Luke has never had to deal with his attacker coming back and—and—trying to _hurt_ him, or whatever the fuck it is Damien is trying to do. It makes his blood boil in anger, because Ashton is the best person he's ever met and he doesn't deserve the horrors he's been through. 

Not for the first time, Luke wonders how life would've been different if he hadn't of walked into Serenity's office when he did. He wonders what it would be like if Ashton never came into the book store that day. He wonders if either of them would even be smiling at this point. 

If it weren't for Ashton, Jones never would have left Luke alone or been caught, and Luke would have had to face him every day until his contract was up. If it weren't for Luke, Ashton would have bottled up every emotion he had and eventually exploded. Both of them rely on each other, maybe a little too heavily, and it's a scary thing to think about. 

Luke is so caught up in his own thoughts he doesn't realize Ashton's back until a slightly rough hand slips around the back of his neck, squeezing gently. Luke lets his head tilt up enough that he can meet Ashton's eyes, and then he actually sits up. 

Ashton looks better, is the thing. Yes, he still looks slightly afraid, and his shoulders still hunch in a little bit like he's trying to make himself smaller, but his eyes are brighter and his smile is slightly wider and he looks more sure of himself. Luke reminds himself to thank Anne the next time he speaks to her. 

"You alright?" Ashton asks softly, stroking his thumb over Luke's jaw. His gaze is almost reverent. 

Luke nods, tipping himself forward so that his forehead rests on Ashton's shoulder and his arms can slip around Ashton's waist. "I'm fine," he mumbles against Ashton's shirt, his words muffled. "How are you?" 

Ashton shrugs, pressing his lips to the sensitive skin behind Luke's ear. "Better. Still don't feel completely like myself but I'm getting there." He pulls back slightly, cupping Luke's cheek. "Thank you," he says seriously, "for being there for me and being the best boyfriend in the entire planet."

Luke's cheeks flush a pretty shade of red. "I'm always here for you," he whispers. "No matter what. I love you." 

The left over tension in Ashton's shoulders dissipates, leaving him looking more relaxed than he has in weeks. His cheek dimples with his grin. "I love you so much. Never forget that, okay?" 

Michael chooses that moment to break in, most likely having chosen to stay quiet until now to let them have their moment. "Are we gonna watch a movie or what?" he asks sharply, though the look in his eyes is fond. 

Ashton rolls his eyes, laying back on the couch and coaxing Luke into curling up against his chest. "Put it in, Mike. We don't have all day." 

Luke doesn't know which movie they put in, and he doesn't know what's happening outside of himself and Ashton. All he can focus on is the beat of Ashton's heart under his ear and the warmth of Ashton's arms around him. Every couple of minutes, Ashton will press kisses into his hair and face. 

If Luke closes his eyes, everything finally feels like it'll be okay.

***

"Mom got us tickets back to Australia." 

It's a little amusing to watch Luke flail in surprise, obviously not having expected Ashton to come out of nowhere and shock him. Ashton has to hold in his laughter when Luke turns to glare at him, his arms soaked up to his elbows in soapy water and a few suds sticking to his delicate cheekbone. 

"Will you stop sneaking up on me?" he hisses, turning back to the dish he's washing. "Fuck, one of these days you're going to give me a heart attack." 

Ashton laughs, wrapping himself around Luke from behind. He lets the younger man seethe for a little bit, content with watching him as he works. Finally, once all the dishes have been scrubbed clean and placed in the dishwasher, Luke turns in the circle of Ashton's arms, crossing his arms over his head and pouting. 

"What were you saying, when you so rudely scared me?" He's trying to keep up the anger and the pout, but amusement gleams in his eyes and a smile threatens to spread his mouth apart. Ashton laughs, sliding his hands along Luke's hips. 

"My mom bought us tickets to fly back to Australia," he reiterates, grinning at Luke. "She said she's sick of waiting, so she made it so that we have no excuses." 

Luke bites his lip, finally giving in and letting his hands hook behind Ashton's neck. "When do we leave?" 

Ashton pulls him closer now that he's been accepted. "Tomorrow morning. It's an early flight but we still get to sleep in a little bit." 

Luke's eyebrows furrow, his expression turning troubled. "Ash, we can't. I have to call in to work and you have the record store—" 

"Already taken care of," Ashton soothes, stroking the back of his knuckles down Luke's cheekbone. "I called Serenity, she agrees that both of us need time off and that we need to relax. Bennett doesn't care as long as I get someone to work my shift, so Kara is being a blessing and helping with that. Cal and Mike have got our backs at the book store and taking care of things around here." 

Luke's frown lessens but doesn't completely go away. "What about bags?" He glances at the clock. "Ash, it's nearly seven, how am I supposed to pack a bag full of everything I'll need before we leave tomorrow?" 

Ashton grins, leaning forward to press his lips to the space between Luke's eyebrows, successfully smoothing out the furrow. "I've already got your bag packed, baby boy." He pulls back, a little floored at Luke's awed expression. "I mean, you can look through it if you want, I might not have put everything you wanted, but I tried to get everything I—" 

Luke flings himself forward, smashing their lips together hard enough Ashton thinks he might taste blood. It's overshadowed by the eager way Luke holds him though, and he quickly melts into it, tilting his head enough that Luke can get even closer, if that's possible. He tastes a little like the pasta Calum made for dinner, and his cheek is still wet from the soapy water, but Ashton doesn't care. Without breaking the kiss, Ashton carefully lifts Luke up onto the counter, crowding in between his legs before he can do anything. Luke squeaks, tightening his grip in Ashton's hair. Ashton laughs, dragging his lips over to Luke's jaw, panting against the soft skin. 

"What was that for?" he asks quietly, letting one of his hands press into the small of Luke's back. 

Luke shrugs, letting his legs hook around Ashton's waist. "You're just the best boyfriend ever, so I decided you needed a thank you." His face smooths out a little, his expression turning serious. "Thank you. I know things have been hard on you lately and I can't express how immensely proud I am of you. Thank you for doing this for me." 

Ashton grins at him. "Of course, baby. Anything for you." His grin turns sly. "Now kiss me some more." 

Luke rolls his eyes but yanks him back in anyways, wrapping his arms around Ashton's shoulder so that Ashton can't go anywhere. The kiss is more bruising now, his teeth sharp when he bites at Ashton's lower lip. The slight sting of pain is delicious, shooting a bolt of electricity down Ashton's spine. Luke notices the way he shivers and does it again and again until Ashton's lower lip is swollen and red, the imprint of Luke's teeth showing up against his skin. 

Ashton slips a hand down to Luke's knee, pulling him flush against his body, close enough that he can roll his hips. Luke chokes out a moan, his arm slipping under Ashton's to claw down his covered back. He wrenches away with a gasp, his head tilting back with a whine of pleasure. Ashton takes the opportunity to drag his lips down Luke's exposed throat, sucking a dark bruise right above the collar of his shirt. Luke keens, dragging Ashton closer with the legs wrapped around his waist to desperately rut against him. 

"Ash, Ash, Ash," Luke whimpers out, his eyes screwed shut at the pleasure. "Please, fuck, Ash—bedroom, _please_ —" 

Ashton laughs against his skin, using the grip he has on Luke's thighs to haul him up against his chest. Luke doesn't even make a snarky comment like he usually does, he just rolls his hips over and over. He looks like— _fuck_ —like he's bouncing, and the act makes Ashton's blood boil. 

Their room is kind of in disarray, clothes spilling everywhere and suitcases stacked in the corner, but Ashton couldn't care less. He just drops Luke on the unmade bed, immediately covering him and biting another bruise into Luke's jaw. Luke moans, gripping his aides desperately, tugging on his shirt. 

"Off, off, want this off, want it all off," he mumbles, not satisfied until both of them are naked. That's when things slow down slightly, Luke's hands cupping Ashton's cheeks and drawing him down for another kiss. 

"What do you want, baby?" Ashton mumbles against his mouth. Luke breaks away with a gasp. "My fingers, my mouth? Huh, baby? C'mon, you have to tell me." 

A shiver goes down Luke's spine at the raspiness of Ashton's voice, his hips jolting up. He gasps out a quick, "I want," before he pauses, looking unsure of himself. Ashton immediately halts, staring down at him in confusion. 

"Luke?" he says slowly, carding his fingers through Luke's hair. "Luke, what's wrong? What did I do?" 

Luke immediately shakes his head, brushing his thumb over Ashton's jaw. "No, no you didn't do anything wrong, Ash." He hesitates again, searching Ashton's eyes for _something_. He must find it, because he cautiously says, "I want something, but I'm not certain it's something I should want." 

Ashton frowns. "I don't understand." 

Luke closes his eyes, sighing lightly before he looks back up at Ashton. "You, Ashton. I want you." Before Ashton can remind Luke that he already has him, Luke continues. "I want—I want you to fuck me, Ash. I want us to go all the way."

Ashton stiffens in surprise, his eyes widening and his lips parting around words that haven't even entered in his mind yet. He's speechless, unable to say or do anything except stare. 

Luke bites his lip, reaching out and interlocking their fingers. "C'mon Ash, you've gotta say something." He looks hopeful at the same time he looks uncertain and nervous. 

Ashton draws in a ragged breath, carefully shifting his weight until he can cup Luke's face. "Are you sure?" he says seriously, staring directly into Luke's eyes. "This isn't something you can take back, baby. You have to be completely, completely certain you want this." 

"I do, I promise." Luke reaches up to kiss him quickly. "Please Ash, I really want you. I've been thinking about it for a while, okay? I just—" He breaks off, looking a little lost for a second, before a wicked smirk curls his mouth and he filthily whispers, "I want your cock, Ash. Please." 

Ashton's breath stutters out of him in a moan. He has to hide his face in Luke's shoulder until he can breathe calmly again, finally lifting his head to weakly glare. "God, you can't just say things like that. You don't know what it does to me." He sobers quickly, sitting up so that he can touch their foreheads together. "Okay, baby. Whatever you want. I'll go slow, alright? And I need you to stop me if anything hurts or if you just don't like anything, okay? Promise me you will." 

Luke smiles up at him. "I promise." He smiles that wicked smile again. "Now fuck me." 

Ashton snorts, reaching over to grab the lube and a condom from their bedside drawer. "I'm not going to fuck you, Luke." He pauses for dramatic effect. "I'm going to make love to you. There's a difference." 

Luke rolls his eyes. "I hate you. You're horrible." 

Ashton laughs, laying the lube and condom on the blanket near Luke's hip and shifting over him again. He doesn't reply, simply leans his head down to press his lips to Luke's collarbone. Luke goes boneless underneath him, his hands coming up to grip Ashton's shoulder blades. 

"You're beautiful," Ashton mumbles against the skin, smearing kisses down Luke's chest. Last time they did this, Ashton promised himself he'd explore how sensitive Luke is, and he'll be damned if he doesn't do it now. He has to get Luke relaxed before they do anything. 

It backfires a little bit, since Luke's back arches and a moan tears from his throat when Ashton rakes his teeth over his nipple. It's a reaction Ashton wants more of, though, so he closes his mouth and _sucks_ , earning himself a keening whine. He smirks, flicking his tongue against the bud until Luke is practically sobbing from the pleasure and his nipple is red and swollen. Then, and only then, does Ashton move on to the other one, giving it the same treatment, until Luke's chest is heaving from the pleasure and tears gather in the corners of his eyes. 

"Ash, please," he whimpers, his nails digging into Ashton's back. Ashton smirks, looking up at Luke from under his eyelashes as his tongue drags down his soft tummy, teasingly licking into Luke's belly button. Luke tries to glare at him, tries to get him to hurry along, but he's already almost incoherent. Ashton can't wait to take him apart. 

He holds Luke down with his hand while he playfully skims his lips up the underside of his cock, loving the way he squirms and bucks to try and chase the feeling. He can't move, though, and he's forced to lay still and take it when Ashton takes him into his mouth and hollows his cheeks. 

Ashton doesn't spend much time on it, since he doesn't want to work Luke up too much, but he lets Luke buck up into the wet warmth of his mouth for a minute or two before he pulls off. The whine Luke lets out is broken and wet around the edges, a sound so beautiful Ashton wants it on repeat. 

"You're already gagging for it," he says lowly, watching Luke's breath hitch at his words. He smirks, ducking his head to smear a mark on the inside of his thigh. "You want it so bad, don't you?" 

Luke nods desperately, bucking his hips up now that Ashton's let him go. "Please, please, please, please," he begs, his pupils blown so wide only a thin ring of blue surrounds it. Ashton figures his eyes are much the same. He can't help it. Luke's too sexy for his own good. 

Ashton does take pity on him, however, and coaxes Luke's thighs apart enough that his feet brace on the bed and there's enough room for Ashton in between them. Luke closes his eyes, bracing himself for the cold feeling of the lube, when something very warm and very wet and very not what he was expecting flicks against his hole. 

His eyes fly open in shock, his head lifting to look down between his legs. A wave of lust ripples down his spine at the sight of Ashton, eyes blown wide and red red mouth stretched into a smirk, holding his ass open so that he can lick over him. It's too much to handle, and Luke's head drops back against the pillows. 

He loves it even more than Ashton thought he would, so he keeps going, alternating between letting the tip of his tongue catch against his opening and licking over him in broad, flat strokes. Luke's whines grow louder and more uncontrolled, his thighs spasming around Ashton's head, but Ashton pins him down with expert hands. 

He tastes better than anything Ashton's ever thought of, but he has to tear himself away, bracing his forehead against the flat of Luke's stomach while he reaches for the lube. Luke's chest is heaving and his hands are clenched into the sheets, and he's relaxed enough that Ashton's first finger disappears to the first knuckle with no effort at all. 

It's easier this time. Luke is relaxed and desperate for something inside of him, and he's done this before. Still, he clenches up, a slightly uncomfortable whine spilling from his lips before he can stop it. Ashton kisses his navel chastely, looking up at him with a smile. 

"Take your time, love," he whispers. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Luke relaxed after that, though it isn't until several moments later that he finally unclenches enough that Ashton can start a shallow slide, barely moving until Luke nods. Then he allows his finger to press entirely inside, stopping when his other knuckles brush the soft skin of Luke's ass. 

Luke draws in a shuddering breath, one of his hands releasing the sheets and grabbing for Ashton's hand. He squeezes hard, breathing in deep a few times before he opens his eyes. Ashton's shocked at the pure arousal swimming in the depths. 

"Keep going," he rasps. 

Ashton obeys. He keeps it slow for a while, alternating between shallow thrusts and long drags, anything to get Luke stretched out. Luke likes it all, if his panting is anything to go by. 

"More," he eventually gasps out, his grip tightening on Ashton's hand. "More, please, I can handle it." 

Ashton draws his finger out slowly, slicking two of them up now and letting them fall to rest against Luke's hole. He doesn't push in, just pressed against it lightly. He doesn't miss the way Luke flutters and clenches down at the barest hint of pressure. 

"Ash," Luke hisses, raising his head to glare. It's kind of comical how his eyes then squeeze closed and his mouth opens around a moan, because Ashton chose that moment to press inside. Luke is so desperate, so eager, that both fingers disappear inside of him relatively easily. 

Suddenly, Ashton fucks his fingers in quickly, making Luke violently clench down and suck in a ragged breath. Ashton doesn't slow, just gets faster and harder until Luke is squirming, practically screaming out his pleasure. 

"Fuck!" he squeaks, his toes curling when a third finger joins the party, stretching him even further. The burn of it is lost when Ashton's hand wraps around his cock, pulling hard enough to distract him but loose enough that it won't push him over the edge. The added pleasure makes his toes curl. 

"Ash," Luke sobs, Ashton's name sounding almost like a prayer in his mouth. The older man's thrusting his fingers in so fast now, hard and deliberate now that Luke's relaxed. He purposefully misses Luke's prostate, something Luke wants to fight, but before he can find the words, Ashton's fingers pull out of him. The ache makes Luke groan, but his eyes snap open to glare at his boyfriend. 

Ashton's already looking at him with an amused smile, his expression unbearably fond. He strokes Luke's hair from his eyes, kissing his nose. "Are you sure you want to do this, angel?" he asks. "You can say no. You can ask me to stop at any time." He pauses for a moment, before he says, "I know this is your first time, even if you hadn't said anything. I'll take it slow." 

Luke nods, stretching up to kiss him softly. "I want this," he promises. "I'll make sure to stop you if you hurt me, even though you won't. I trust you." He smiles. "Make me yours, Ash." 

Ashton ducks down to kiss him again, reaching for the condom and ripping it open, only pulling away to roll the rubber on. Luke beats him to the lube, a mischievous smile on his lips when he slicks his hand up, reaching down to wrap it around Ashton's cock. Ashton chokes out a moan, his head hanging forward at the pleasure. He wants to fuck into Luke's hand, but he resists, pulling away with great effort. 

"How do you want to do this?" he asks instead, sitting back on his heels. 

"I want to see you," Luke says plainly, looking at him as if the answer is obvious. He supposes it is. 

Ashton nods, sucking in a deep breath, letting one hand trail back down to Luke's hole to ensure that he's stretched enough. Finally, he wraps his hand around himself, shifting until his cock brushes against the stretched muscles. Luke clenches around nothing instinctively, reaching for him with grabby hands. 

"I love you," Ashton murmurs to him, before he finally pushes in. 

It's immediately the best thing he's ever felt, hot and wet and sinfully tight around him. It's the most pleasure he's ever felt, but this isn't about him. It's about Luke, so he raises himself onto his elbows, knocking their foreheads together. 

"How're you feeling?" he whispers, noting how Luke's eyes are squeezed tightly shut and his nails are gripping Ashton's shoulders hard enough to break the skin. 

Luke drags in a shaky breath, nodding shortly. He doesn't open his eyes, but he chokes out, "Keep going." 

Ashton is unsure, but he does as Luke asked, slowly pushing in until his hips meet the backs of Luke's thighs. He almost can't breathe from how good it feels, and the urge to get friction is almost overwhelming. He forces himself to stay still, and peppers Luke's face with kisses, dropping a hand to fist his dick expertly. Luke whines, his face smoothing out, and his eyes open. His expression is completely blissed out, and his smile is loving. 

"I'm so full," he mumbles, his fingers trailing down feel where he's stretched around Ashton. His breath stutters out, like there's no room for anything else inside him when Ashton's filling him up this good. 

Ashton shoves his face in Luke's neck, gritting his teeth against the urge to move. He hasn't been given the okay yet. "Fuck, Luke, you can't do that to me." 

Luke laughs, trailing a hand up his spine, fitting it into his hair. He turns his head to mouth at Ashton's temple, whispering in his ear, _"Move."_

Ashton doesn't have to be told twice. He pulls his hips back, still so careful, and pushes them back in as smoothly as he can manage. Luke shudders when he pushes in deep, his fingertips fluttering over Ashton's shoulders. He doesn't seem to realize he's doing it, but he's rocking himself down now, trying to fuck himself on Ashton's cock as if he's chasing the incredible feeling. 

To give him what he wants, Ashton lets his hips slam forward, shifting at just the right angle to fuck directly into Luke's prostate. Luke's eyes fly open and his mouth stretches around a shaky scream, his back arching. He's left a whimpering, pleading mess, begging for more and more and _more_. 

Ashton is happy to help him out. 

The pace he sets is hard and fast, but still careful, mindful that Luke's never done this before. He keeps his thrusts directly at Luke's prostate, watching as Luke breaks apart more and more. His head thrashes from side to side, his chest heaving and his cheeks painted a bright bright red. He looks wrecked, so utterly fucked out, and a smug pride fills Ashton's lungs. He finds his words right then. 

"Fuck, baby, you feel so good," he grits out, hitching Luke's thigh up around his waist. Luke cries out when he reaches deeper. "You're so tight, squeezing my cock so good. How's that feel, baby boy? You like that? Like me fucking you?" 

Luke has always had a weakness for Ashton's dirty talk, so it's no surprise when he clenches down so tight Ashton can't move for a few seconds. The fire burning in his belly is getting hotter and hotter by the second, and judging by the look on Luke's face, he's close as well. Ashton is determined to get Luke there first, however. 

He redoubles his efforts, leaning back to hook both of Luke's legs over his shoulders and leaning over him again, folding Luke in half. Luke's screams get louder and louder, interspaced with Ashton's name and whines about how good it feels. Ashton is hitting his prostate on every thrust, so deep Luke can feel him in his stomach. 

"I'm so close," Luke manages to get out before a wave of pleasure steals his voice. He's never felt this good in his entire life, and all he can think about is how stretched he is around Ashton's cock, how full and loved he feels. 

Ashton's jaw clenches, and Luke is struck by the sudden realization that Ashton has never looked more beautiful than he does now. His hair is sweaty and hanging in his face, his cheeks red and a subtle smirk curling his lips. His eyes are dark and focused on Luke, making sure that Luke is getting pleasure from this. Not for the first time, Luke wonders what he did to deserve the angel above him. 

All coherent thoughts run out the window when Ashton wraps a hand around his dick, jerking him off to the rhythm of his thrusts. Fire spills through his veins, and he doesn't realize he's babbling until Ashton grunts, shoves forward with renewed effort, and rasps out, "Come for me, baby." And that's it, Luke's gone. 

His back arches so high it hurts, his head ripped back in pleasure and his ass fluttering before locking down around Ashton's cock. White spills over Luke's chest and stomach as he comes so hard he almost passes out. Ashton feels huge fucking him through it, the older man's thrusts turning erratic now that he's chasing his own release. As exhausted as he is, Luke clenches down hard enough that Ashton groans, hiding his face in Luke's neck as he comes. 

It's silent in the room for a long while, their breathing not yet calm enough for them to talk. Luke just keeps trailing his fingers over the sweaty skin of Ashton's shoulders, and Ashton keeps pressing tender kisses to Luke's throat. It's a blissful atmosphere, even with the ache Luke is starting to feel in his ass and thighs, and he's tired enough that when he closes his eyes, he drifts off. 

He must have been more tired than he thought, because when he opens his eyes, he's empty and cleaned up and Ashton is crawling into bed beside him, golden skin lit up by the soft light of the lamp. Luke smiles at him, reaching for him. 

"I love you," he says, when Ashton's settled beside him and he can curl his head into the crook of his neck. "Thank you." 

"Was that okay? Did it feel good?" Ashton sounds worried. If Luke weren't so tired, he'd lean back to slap Ashton. 

He settles for rolling his eyes and kissing over where Ashton's heart still gallops in his chest. "It was amazing, I swear. I loved every second. You were perfect, Ash." 

Ashton relaxes, finally reaching out to turn the lamp off, flooding the room in darkness. He wraps his arms around Luke's shoulders, holding the younger close to him. 

"Sleep, baby boy. We've got a long day of traveling tomorrow." A kiss presses against Luke's forehead. "I love you." 

Luke hums to show he heard. He can't say anything before the darkness takes him over, and he falls asleep, safe and secure and loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** reference to past abuse, angst, discussion of sexual things 
> 
> _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance

Australia is exactly like Ashton remembers. 

It's hot, and humid, and even within the safety of the plane he can feel how his skin is starting to prickle. He doesn't know how much he wants to be back in Sydney, because this is where it all happened. This is where he broke, this is where he shut down, and he's back on the achingly familiar soil. He doesn't truly know how to feel. 

Luke can sense his unease, because he tightens the grip he has on Ashton's hand and leans over to kiss his shoulder, looking out the plane window. They've been landed for a few seconds, but they'd silently agreed to wait until most of the plane had emptied out before they tried to leave. It gives Ashton a little more time to prepare himself before he sees his mother and siblings for the first time in almost a year. 

"It's gonna be okay," Luke mumbles against his shirt, the soft blond of his hair tickling Ashton's jaw. "I know it's scary but I'm right beside you, okay? You aren't alone." 

Ashton nods, turning his head to rest his chin on Luke's hair. "I love you," he murmurs, because he can't voice the tightness in his chest or the sting of his thoughts. He can, however, voice the way his heart is full for the boy beside him. "Thank you for being here with me." 

Luke smiles at him, pressing a kiss to his cheekbone before he stands up, moving to grab his luggage from the overhead compartment. Ashton grabs his backpack from underneath the seat, waiting until Luke's ready before grabbing his hand and leading the way down the center aisle. He tips his head politely to the flight attendants on his way past them, but his mind is already racing and his feet itch to run far away from here. 

Luke squeezes his hand and silently takes the lead, pulling him through the hallway and out into the too big airport. Ashton just lets himself be pulled along, trying to calm his breathing enough that he doesn't break down the second he sees his family. 

He still tears up, however, when they turn a corner, and there his family stand, his mother's hands on his siblings' shoulders, holding them close to her in the busy airport. Harry's bouncing on the balls of his feet and Lauren is scanning the crowds, standing on her tiptoes. Both of their eyes widen when they catch sight of Ashton, and they take off towards him, dodging around the people. Luke squeezes his hand and lets go, slipping out of the way and walking over to Anne. Ashton catches a glimpse of the two embracing before he crouches down, opening his arms seconds before his brother and sister crash into his chest. 

They're both crying, their faces pressed into his shoulders and their fingers desperately holding onto his shirt. Ashton's tears finally cascade down his cheeks, a sob building in his throat before he chokes it down. He holds his siblings closer, wishing he'd never have to let go. 

"Missed you, Ashy," Harry mumbles into his shoulder, his little body pressed as close as it can go. Ashton has to close his eyes, pulling his brother closer, turning to press his lips against the side of his head. 

"I missed you too, buddy," he whispers, hoping neither of them can hear the wobble in his voice. He turns his head to kiss Lauren's cheek. "I missed you both." 

They stay huddled in their embrace until Lauren pulls back a little, her makeup smudged under her eyes but her smile radiant. "C'mon," she says, lacing her fingers through Ashton's. "I wanna meet Luke." 

Ashton laughs, letting his siblings drag him back to where Luke and his mother stand side by side, identical soft smiles curving their lips. Luke's grin deepens, becomes much more intimate once he and Ashton make eye contact, his eyes sparkling in a way Ashton doesn't know if he's seen before. 

Lauren lets go of his hand only when she's close enough to run to Luke, tackling him in a hug that's gentler than the one she gave Ashton. Harry follows behind more cautiously, giving Luke an appraising look before he joins in the hug fest, letting Luke's arm slip around his waist. Luke grins at Ashton over their heads before he turns his attention back to them, answering every question they fire at him with a smile on his face. 

"I like him," his mother says from beside him, and Ashton turns his head to see that she's watching the huddle with a fond look. "I might even love him already." She sends a sly glance his way. "Obviously not as much as you do, though." 

Ashton lets out a choked laugh, feeling his tears start to well back up. His smile slowly slips from his face, and he's scared he looks helpless when he croaks out, _"Mom."_

Anne doesn't even say anything; she just pulls her oldest into the tightest hug he can remember ever receiving from her. He buries his head in her shoulder, his tears coming back full force but this time he doesn't try to get them to go away. His mother is the only person in the world, other than Luke, that he feels at least a little comfortable breaking down in front of. 

"It's okay, baby," Anne whispers into his hair, smoothing her hand down his back. "It's okay, it's okay, just let it out." 

He vaguely realizes that he's sobbing, perhaps a little too loud given that he's in public and his siblings are just feet away from him, but he can't seem to find it in himself to care, really. The dam he'd built in his own chest is quickly starting to crack, and everything he's ever bottled up is struggling to get out. 

Eventually, he has to pull himself away, because if he fully allows himself to break down he doesn't know if he'll be able to pick himself back up again, at least not without help. He brushes the tears from under his eyes, offering a watery smile to his mother. 

She smiles back, rubbing his shoulder before she turns back to Harry and Lauren. "How about we get Luke and Ash settled at the house and then we go out to dinner? How's that sound?" 

Harry nods excitedly, bouncing forward to grab Ashton's hand, swinging it grandly as they walk. Lauren hangs back to talk with Luke, something that warms Ashton's heart. He's so glad that his family have accepted his boy so quickly. 

Harry chatters animatedly the whole way to the baggage claim, and he talks even more once they get to the car. He's trying his best to fill Ashton in on everything he's missed in the year he's been gone, and while it makes Ashton's heart ache a little bit, a warm, genuine smile spreads on his face. 

It barely takes any time before they're pulling up in front of Ashton's childhood home, the sight of the house so sweet that it washes away Ashton's fears, even for just a moment. 

"We turned your old room into a guest room," Anne says, sounding almost apologetic. Ashton opens his mouth to tell her she doesn't have to apologize, but she pushes on before he can say anything. "You guys can take that room, though. We can go to dinner in an hour or so." 

Luke comes up beside him, slipping his hand into Ashton's. "Thank you," he says sincerely, tugging Ashton into the house with their suitcases in tow.

The house is achingly familiar, almost the exact same as the day he left. Harry's shoes are spilled over the front entrance and Lauren's favorite jacket still hangs from the peg beside the door. Remnants of Ashton himself splay all over the house, from the throw blanket he'd left behind that's balled up on a couch cushion to the tiny little trinkets he'd left on the mantle. It loosens something inside of him, because he'd been so certain he'd return to a house that had been scrubbed clean of his touch, his memory washed out of existence and out of the lives of his family. Here he is though, in a house still warm and still soft with love for him, and it's almost as if he never left. 

Ashton doesn't realize Luke's pulled him to his door until they're pushing inside, flicking the lights on as they go. He doesn't question how Luke knew the right room, nor does he question how easily Luke fits into the light colored walls. He looks so good, and the tightness in Ashton's chest loosens further. 

Luke smiles at him, soft and a little sleepy around the edges, his eyes warm. "You okay?" he asks quietly, stepping forward to slide his hands up Ashton's chest to rest on the side of his neck. 

Ashton shrugs, resting his hands in the delicate dip of Luke's waist. He doesn't have an answer for that, so instead he says, "I thought they would have forgotten me."

Luke frowns, his hand slipping up to cup the side of Ashton's face, his thumb brushing slowly across his cheekbone. "How could they have forgotten you? You talk to them on the phone almost every day." 

Ashton shrugs again, pulling Luke in closer until their fronts are pressed together and his forehead rests on Luke's shoulder. "I don't know," he admits quietly, his words muffled by Luke's shirt. "I just—I put them through so _much_ —" 

"Shh," Luke soothes, his hands slipping into Ashton's hair. "It's okay, sweetheart. I love you, I love you so much. You didn't do anything wrong, baby. What happened to you wasn't your fault. It was Damien's. You were in pain and you had to leave and you had to stay away to heal. They can't fault you for trying to make yourself better, okay? And if they do, I'm not above fighting your mother or your little siblings." 

It's stupid, but Ashton snorts out a laugh, pulling back to look at Luke with a watery smile. "You'd fight a mother and her little children?" 

Luke laughs, his cheek dimpling a little bit. "For you, I'd do anything." His expression is still teasing, but there's an undercurrent of seriousness that makes something in Ashton's stomach clench. 

He can't say anything, because Luke ducks forward to kiss his jaw, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "C'mon," he whispers. "Lay with me for a little bit." 

Ashton lets himself be pulled towards the bed, welcoming the familiar soft bed and softer blankets. Luke fits into his arms perfectly, a warm steady weight against his chest, and it helps ground him even more. Luke holds him tightly, his lips pressed against Ashton's collarbone, and they don't move for. very long time.

***

Ashton sighs, hooking his hands together behind his head, his body stretched out on the ground. The grass is slightly wet beneath him and the sky is a hazy dark blue, the sun still peeking over the tops of the trees but quickly setting. 

He can hear Lauren and Harry bickering in the house, can hear his mom telling them off and getting them to quiet down if only for a few moments. Somewhere in the neighborhood, a dog barks in excitement. It's blissful, the kind of peace that only comes after a long time of stress. It's the type of peace he can feel in his bones. 

The sliding door opens and closes behind him, soft footfalls treading over the grass. Ashton has a guess on who it could be, but it's not proven correct until Luke sits down at his side, close enough that Ashton can feel his heat but far enough that they aren't touching. Ashton doesn't know if he's relieved or disappointed. 

"How're you doing?" Luke says carefully, his hand slipping into Ashton's. 

Ashton shrugs, tipping his head back so that his eyes are on the quickly darkening skyline. "Pretty good, honestly." He hesitates. "I thought it would be more difficult than that." 

They ended up going to a little hole in the wall burger place for dinner, and it was surprisingly good. Ashton doesn't remember ever having a burger and fries from a place that wasn't fast food that made him moan in delight. 

They had to pass the university to get there, though, and the sight of the old brick building mad something in his chest clench in nerves. It hadn't hurt the way he thought it would, however. He doesn't think it has power over him anymore, just like Damien doesn't. It's a relieving thought. 

Luke sags in relief, his shoulders relaxing. "Good, that's good. I'm glad." Now that he knows Ashton's okay, that he isn't out here because he's breaking down, he lets himself tip forward, curling up against Ashton's side. He can't quite hide his hiss when he moves, and it makes Ashton laugh, his stomach curling with fondness and his mood brightening again. 

"Sore?" he teases quietly, letting his fingertips dance over the patch of skin just above the waistband of Luke's jeans. Luke squirms, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment. 

"You're an asshole," he mumbles, swatting Ashton's shoulder. "Why do I love you again?" 

Ashton laughs again, laying back against the grass and pulling Luke up so that he straddles his hips. "Because I'm good in bed?" he cheekily offers, snapping his teeth playfully. 

Luke rolls his eyes. "You're insufferable, you idiot." He leans down until his chin is pillow on Ashton's chest, looking up at him with those damn blue eyes. "When are we doing that again, by the way? I mean, I'd rather it be sooner than later." 

Ashton snorts, tapping out a rhythm of the cut of Luke's ribs. "I fucked you yesterday, and you're already whining for more. You're insatiable." He shrugs though, letting his fingertips skim under Luke's jeans. He's playing dirty but he doesn't care. "Whenever you want, baby. You know I always want you." 

It's strange, he thinks, because he's never had this level of comfort with anyone else. He's never had a casual conversation about the next time they'd have sex. He's never casually admitted how much he truly wants someone. It's not surprising, knowing just how different Luke is than anyone he's ever been with, but the fact Luke is so comfortable talking about this with him makes him so happy. It also makes him happy that Luke is already rearing at the idea of being intimate with him again, but that's besides the point. 

Luke shoots up in excitement, his eyes brightening. "Does that mean we can do it now?" 

Ashton throws back his head in laughter, barely registering the dull thump when his skull connects with the ground. "Yeah, sure, let's fuck in the house that my mother and my little siblings are currently inhabiting." 

Luke's smile turns sly, his eyes sparking in the dangerous way they do right before he plays mischief. He leans forward, his face hanging just above Ashton's. "I mean, I wouldn't mind getting fucked in your childhood room," he whispers, his voice husky. "I think that would be absolutely amazing." 

A curl of heat flashes down Ashton's spine at the mental image, but he refuses to be out done. He recovers as quickly as he can manage and trails his lips to Luke's ear, nipping on his earlobe teasingly. "Yeah, baby?" he goads, dropping his voice in the way that always makes Luke whimper. "You want to take my cock in the room that's right down the hall from my brother and sister? Want to bounce on me in the bed I used to make myself come in?" A smirk curls his lips. "I don't think you could be quiet for me, baby boy. You love my cock too much." 

Luke's eyes are dilated, his mouth parted around his ragged breathing and his cheeks flushed red. "That's not fair," he whines, collapsing down against Ashton's chest. Ashton can feel where he's half-hard against his thigh. 

"Aw, sweetheart," he teases, slipping his arms around Luke's waist and holding him close. "I'm sorry."

Luke grumbles against his shirt for a little bit, but he settles quickly, just laying on top of him in comfortable silence. Ashton trails gentle fingertips up and down his back, kissing the top of his head every few seconds. The quiet is peaceful, still and even the same way that the Vegas night is in the hours before the sun rises. 

Finally, Luke touches his fingers to Ashton's collarbone, glancing up at him when he murmurs, "My mom asked about you today." 

It's out of the blue but Ashton doesn't question it. He just grins. "Did she really?" 

Luke nods, smiling back at him. "She just wanted to make sure you're okay. My family love you." In the same breath, he adds, "Also I love your family." 

Ashton laughs, his cheeks hurting from his grin. "They love you too, y'know. You're a part of the family. An official Irwin." 

It makes Luke giggle, his nose scrunching up adorably. "I like the sound of that." He sobers after a second and glances away, saying quietly, "I wouldn't mind if it was completely official." 

Stop time. Stop the world. Stop everything else but this moment with this beautiful boy in his arms with the most beautiful expression on his face. There's nothing else that matters. Nothing else in the entire world that could mean anything close to what this boy means to him. 

He's never really thought about it. Never really thought of marriage as something he could have or would ever want. With Luke it's so easy. He can see it, see them in tuxes pledging themselves together for eternity. He can see them having pillow fights during their honeymoon and making love all day. He can see them getting a house together, see them growing old and living life together, and he wants it. 

"Do you—do you mean that?" he croaks, his voice edging this side of desperate. 

Luke bites his lip and carefully reaches up to slip his fingers into Ashton's hair, smiling shakily. "Yeah, Ash," he whispers. "I know we're young and I know it hasn't even been a year yet but—but you're it for me, Ash. You're my whole world." 

Ashton rolls them over, holding himself over Luke as carefully as he can, laying kisses everywhere he can reach. He takes Luke's hand, brushing his fingers over Luke's left hand, imagining a beautiful ring where his fourth finger meets knuckle. Judging by the expression on Luke's face, he's thinking the same thing. 

"Someday," Ashton says carefully, looking up at Luke through his eyelashes, "someday I'm going to put a ring on this hand. I promise, no, I swear to you I will do it." 

Luke kisses him then, and it feels like forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** reference to past abuse, angst, cry fest between a brother and sister
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance
> 
>  **IMPORTANT:** yo dudes i'm so sorry it's been 5 months since i've updated this, i haven't had much steam or time to write lately and i'm struggling just a lil. this chapter is super short and i was going to do more with it but i wanted to get something posted so hopefully something else will get posted within the next couple of days?? i'll try my best?? i'm sorry again guys i promise i'll do better. (on a completely unrelated note, i might start writing for other fandoms soon? so be on the look out for that, even tho it'll be under a different pseud)

Ashton sighs, looking out st the sunrise peaking up just barely over the rooftops. It's a bleeding orange, red just barely streaking through the clouds. It's the same kind of sunrise he'd watch back when he was in high school, too jittery to sleep until his alarm woke up him. He'd made a habit of this, back when he was younger, waking up long before he needed to and climbing onto the roof just beside his window, the slant just enough to keep him hidden. 

He sighs, glancing back over at his phone laying abandoned in the gutter, its screen still black. After the first text, he hadn't gotten anything else. He's not certain if that's relieving or terrifying. 

Somewhere in the distance, a bird's cry rises into the air, lonely and echoing off the rooftops. His heart goes out to the bird. At least it can fly away from its troubles. 

The sound of the window sliding open beneath him startles him from his thoughts, and for a moment he's terrified that it'll be Luke that joins him on the roof. But his sister's head pokes through the window, and the way his heart squeezes could be both relief and dread. 

"What are you doing up here?" he asks, swallowing down the self-hatred he can feel pooling in his throat. It had been such a good few weeks. He thought he was getting better. 

Lauren looks at him with an unreadable expression before she shakes her head, climbing up to sit next to him and curl into his side. "Looking for you," she says simply, slipping her freezing cold hand up the sleeve of his sweater. "Mom's a little worried. She sent me." 

Ashton slides his arms around her, tucking her head beneath his cheek. "Why? Why is she worried? Why'd she send you?" 

He feels Lauren's shrug, the careless way she throws her words at him. "You've been distant. And you haven't been as happy. And I think Mom thought you'd talk to me first." 

He can't help the snort that shocks through him. It's nothing against Lauren, but this isn't even something he's going to tell Luke. Why would he burden his little sister with such things? Why would he ask her to act far beyond her years and comfort him? 

Lauren sinks her nails into the skin of his wrist, tilting her head so that she can look into his eyes. "I may not be much, and I may be a lot younger than you, but I see things," she says seriously. "I know that something bad happened with that boy you were dating before you left, and I know that you left to get away from him. And us. I don't know why, but you left to get away from us. And somehow you met Luke and now you're back and you're happier than you were but you still look really sad sometimes, when you think we aren't looking. And it worries me. I may just be your little sister, but I love you and you're scaring me." 

Growing up, Ashton used to hate how blunt his sister was. She never stopped to think how her words would hurt or how she'd make someone feel. She just spoke her mind and said things the way she saw them. It was equal parts terrifying and awe-inspiring. 

Now, though, the blunt words are just the things he needs. He's been coddled more than enough and he thinks that it's not helping. The more he sinks into the comfort of his boyfriend and his mother, the more he loses the pain, and while that's all fine and dandy, the pain is what made him who he is. He can't lose it, not completely. 

"You're right," he says, after a pause. "I left to get away from you guys, but I swear it's not in the way you think. I love you guys. You and Harry and Mom are some of the best things in my life." 

Lauren shifts, pulling away from him just enough to wrap her arms around herself. In the light of the slowly rising sun, she looks vulnerable and young, every inch the sixteen-year-old she is. "Then why'd you leave?" she asks quietly, her eyes a lot shinier than they were beforehand. "You were just—just _gone_ one day, and I kept waking up every morning convinced you'd still be here and you'd walk out of your room like you did whenever you were on break and you'd ruffle my hair and take me and Harry out for ice cream or something. And it hurt knowing you wouldn't because you were _gone_." He opens his mouth to say something, but she barrels on, not giving him the chance. "Harry used to wake up crying because he wanted you so badly and nothing Mom or I could do would help. And Mom was convinced you'd call when you were ready but you never did and it sucked. I missed you. You're sitting right next to me and I still miss you." 

It's silent for a long time, Lauren run out of steam and Ashton struggling to figure out what to say. There are tears on both of their faces and the pain in Ashton's chest is the sharpest it's been since he left. He can't fix this, he knows that. Even if he apologizes and even if they forgive him, he can't take away the year of pain he put them through. He can't take away the tears. 

"Laur, I'm so fucking sorry," he eventually manages to get out, his voice strangled. "I can't—I cant take it back and I don't think anything I could say will make it better but—" He reaches out and cups her cheek, tilting her head so that they look into each other's eyes. "You're my little sister," he whispers, "and nothing that will ever happen will make me stop loving you. I should've called and I should've come back but I couldn't handle facing everything. I can barely handle it now." 

Lauren sniffs, reaching out to grab his shirt in a grip so tight her knuckles pale. "That's okay, Ash. We aren't asking you to magically be fine. I just want you to let us in. We can help you, we can get through this together. As a family. If you'll let us." 

A smile curves Ashton's mouth, even as tears still trickle down his cheeks. "I'll try. I can't promise it'll be easy and I can't promise I'll always admit what's wrong but I'll try. For you guys." 

Lauren reaches out and takes his hand, linking their fingers together and squeezing. "That's all I can ask for." 

Somewhere in the house, an alarm goes off, loud enough that they can hear it outside. It's startling in the near silence that has enveloped them. 

Lauren sighs, pulling away from him and stretching her back. "I guess that means we should get back inside, huh?" She snorts, looking out over the sleeping neighborhood. "I forgot I have school, honestly."

Ashton laughs, grabbing his phone and putting it in his pocket. He moves to crouch on the roof right outside the window, helping Lauren through before he climbs in himself. Lauren pulls him into a tight hug, burying her face in his chest. He hugs her back just as tightly, resting his chin on top of her head. 

"I love you," she mumbles against his shirt, her hands fisted against the small of his back. "Don't forget that, okay? Never forget that." 

"I won't," Ashton promises, pulling back and ruffling her hair. "I love you, too. Go get ready for school now, okay?" 

He doesn't pay attention as she leaves the room, already turning his attention to the softly breathing lump curled up on the bed. Luke's hair is messy against the pillows and his mouth is parted slightly, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. 

Ashton laughs to himself, leaning down to press his mouth to Luke's forehead. He breathes in the sweet smell of sleep-warm skin, murmuring, "I love you" before he turns and leaves the room after Lauren. 

He can hear his mother moving around in the kitchen, drawers opening and closing as she finishes up making lunch for the kids. Harry's talking to her, the words unintelligible from how far away Ashton is, but the closer he gets the more he can make out the words about some girl in Harry's class. The TV's on low and Lauren is upstairs probably doing her makeup, and for a second Ashton feels eighteen again, coming down to help his mother send the kids off to school. 

Anne looks up when he enters the room, offering him a wane smile. There's a smudge of something that looks like peanut butter on her cheek. "You're up early," she notes with a pointed look at the clock. 

He shrugs sheepishly, snagging an apple out of the bowl on the table. "Couldn't sleep. I gave up about an hour ago. Nothing to be worried about," he says hastily, seeing her raised eyebrows. "Just a restless night." 

She seems unconvinced but nods anyways, turning back to talk to Harry. Ashton ignores the way his phone heats up in his pocket, the text begging to be shared with someone. He can't. Not yet. 

Harry babbles something about going to fix his hair, which is a shock since he never really cares about what he looks like, but Ashton catches the way he mentions impressing someone and has to hide a smirk. He wonders if that's how he sounds when he's thinking about Luke. 

Once Harry goes upstairs, it's remarkably silent, even with the TV still on. Anne quietly finishes the kids' lunches and then turns to him, regarding him with crossed arms and a contemplative look. 

"What are you and Luke doing today?" she finally asks. He barely keeps in his sigh of relief. 

"Dunno," he says honestly. "Probably hanging out for a little bit, maybe heading down and hitting so shops. Mikey and Cal want some souvenirs." 

Anne snorts, glancing at the clock. "They were born here. They themselves _are_ souvenirs." She pauses. "How are those two, anyways?" 

Ashton laughs with her. "They're doing great. Disgustingly in love, but still great. Cat's bookstore is running well and Mikey loves his job at the club." 

She nods, glancing at the clock one more time. "I suppose I should go get ready for work then. Maybe you should go wake Luke up?" 

"No need," a sleepy voice says from behind them, and Ashton turns to fondly watch his boyfriend stumble towards them, his eyes half-closed still. "Harry woke me up by singing to himself." 

Anne chuckles at that, shaking her head. "Sounds like him. Well, I'll be upstairs if you need me. The kids should be down soon." 

Ashton doesn't pay her any mind as she leaves because that's when Luke curls into his chest, sleepy and soft and pliant. He's warm and smells sweet and the weight of him makes Ashton's heart clench with guilt. He tries to shake it off as best as he can. 

"You were up early," Luke mumbles against his skin. "S'cold without you." 

Despite everything, Ashton feels warmth down in the pit of his stomach. He pulls Luke closer, kissing the top of his head. "Sorry, angel," he whispers. "I love you." 

Luke grins, appeased already. "Love you lots and lots." 

He pulls away then, moving over to the fridge to try and find something to eat. Ashton watches him go, hit with the sudden urge to pull him closer and never let him out of his sight. The rush of protectiveness isn't unfounded, he thinks, because his phone heats up again in his pocket, begging to be looked at. He doesn't have to, since he already has the text memorized. 

He knows it's from Damien, knows that someday soon he'll strike and someone will get hurt. He doesn't know how Damien got his number, or how he knew where Ashton was, but just thinking about it makes chills run down his spine. He can't forget it, no matter how much he wants to. 

_**You can't run from me. This isn't over.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** reference to past abuse, angst, explicit sexual content, a fight/confrontation
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance
> 
>  **IMPORTANT:** im so sorry this has taken so long. i've been really busy, but i will be completely honest: i've lost my drive to write for this fandom. i still love 5sos as musicians but i don't write anything to do with them anymore and i've lost my love for writing 5sos fanfic. that being said, i WILL finish this fic. it may take me a little bit, but i will. thank you to all who have stuck with it through sporadic updates. only a few chapters left. i will update you guys on if this will be my last fic under this pseud or not. again, thank you. i hope you enjoy.

Ashton can't stop the feeling that someone is watching him. He hasn't been able to for days now, the itchy feeling making a home in his spine and following him wherever he goes. Even when he's at home, even when he's safe in the comfort of his mother's house, the feeling doesn't go away. 

It makes him antsy, restless and too jittery in skin that is suddenly too tight. He's been jumpy and nervous in a way he hasn't been since Damien first came into his life and he knows that his siblings and mother have noticed. Hell, even Luke has, and Luke wasn't there for the immediate aftermath. Ashton's doing his best to keep his sanity but he's not doing a very good job. 

He sighs to himself, propped up against the headboard of his childhood bedroom, a book open on his lap and his glasses sliding down his nose. The room's bathed in gentle orange light from the lamp beside him and the sound of Luke's shower is a nice hum in the background. It's a relaxing setting, one that would normally ease the tension sitting high in his shoulders, but he can't. He can't stop himself from being vigilant, eyes glancing around as if Damien will stalk from the shadows now. 

It's funny, he supposes, because he was never this scared when Damien first happened. He was jumpy, sure, but never paranoid to the point he's considering asking his mother if she's ever thought about a security system. And he's not scared for himself. He's scared for his little siblings who sleep just a few doors down, for his mother who would stop at nothing to protect him. Most of all he's terrified for Luke, his gorgeous boy who he knows is the ultimate trump card. If Damien hurts Luke in any way then he hurts Ashton and Ashton knows that Damien will use that to his advantage. 

The bed dipping next to him is what shocks him out of his own head, glancing up in shock. He's almost ready to throw out a punch when he recognizes the soft blue eyes glittering with laughter and the pink lips stretched in a smile. 

"Scared you," Luke teases him, clambering into his lap to straddle him. His hair is still dripping from his shower and there's only a thin towel wrapped dangerously low around his waist. 

Ashton rolls his eyes, fitting his hands against Luke's ribs. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." His response sticks in his throat a bit but he lets Luke believe the wild edge to his eyes is simply from being scared by him. He hopes Luke doesn't see the way that edge doesn't fully go away. 

Luke's hands slide up his bare chest to wrap around his shoulders, an easy smirk tugging at his mouth. "You look preoccupied with something," he murmurs, voice dropping an octave too low to be considered conversational. His eyes are wide and beautiful. "Can I help?" 

For a second, Ashton panics, certain Luke's figured out what's happening with Damien and the texts, but then he feels the way Luke gently rocks against his thigh and the recognizable hardness pressed against his leg, and he gets it. All at once, his earlier misgivings disappear. His mind focuses only on the surge of arousal shooting through his stomach. 

He mirrors Luke's smirk, pulling his boy closer. "I think you can," he whispers back, letting his hands dance down Luke's spine to grip his ass under the towel. "What did you have in mind, baby boy?" 

Luke whines, slipping even closer, his hands sliding into Ashton's hair. The way he rocks into Ashton is delicious, practiced and easy and measured and Ashton can never believe that they're this comfortable with each other. It makes something in his chest warm but the arousal heating up in his stomach quickly pulls his focus away again. 

"Just want you," Luke pants out, reaching down to tug on Ashton's sweatpants until Ashton lifts his hips and drags them down. He relishes in the squeak Luke lets out when he realizes Ashton was naked underneath them. 

Ashton rolls his eyes, swiftly discarding the flimsy towel wrapped around Luke's hips, leaving them both completely naked and aching. "Dork," he mutters fondly, reaching out to grab the lube that's stashed away from the drawer in the bedside table. As he slicks up his fingers, Luke's expression takes on a funny little twist, something smug curling at the edge of his mouth. Ashton doesn't question it, just lets his fingers wander down to Luke's hole. 

He almost groans out loud, however, when he realizes just what Luke's expression really meant, when his fingers meet absolutely no resistance and sink right in to the knuckle. "Fuck," he rasps, tucking two more in off the bat, feeling how slick and warm Luke is. "Did you prep yourself?" 

Luke's devilish smirk gets bigger, broader, the hands he has on Ashton's shoulders tightening. "Hell yeah I did," he boasts, his breath stuttering out of him when  Ashton's fingers spread apart inside of him. "Wanted to—wanted to— _fuck_ —be ready for y-you." 

Ashton does groan at that, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Luke's shoulder, breathing hot and damp against his skin. Just like that, his earlier arousal blurs into something else, something more, a certain desperation to take this gorgeous boy apart and put him back together again with his lips and teeth and tongue. He never wants to stop touching, never wants to let go. It baffles him that he survived so long without Luke at his side. 

"You're the most amazing person I've ever met," he whispers, skimming his nose up Luke's throat to press his lips to his cheek. "God, you're—it's like you aren't even _real_ sometimes." 

Luke's breath stutters out of him, one of his hands sliding up into his hair. He turns his head to meet Ashton's mouth. "I love you," he mumbles into the kiss. "So fucking much."

Ashton grins, sliding his fingers out torturously slow, delighting in the whine it earns him. Luke doesn't let him get far, pushing him back against the bed and caging him in, kissing him again and again and again until Ashton is dizzy and both of their mouths are bruised and pink. Luke rolls the condom on and slicks him up without any delay, running teasing fingers over the head, before he pulls away just enough to reach back and fit Ashton's cock against him just there, right there, right—

There are no words to describe how beautiful this sensation is, even if it's only the second time it's ever happened. Luke's slick and tight and hot and _perfect_ around him, and his mouth drops open around a soft moan that's both innocent and devastatingly sinful, and Ashton's heart feels too big for his chest. He doesn't feel like he can live without Luke's skin against his, thinks that his heart wants to burrow into Luke's ribcage and make a home there so that they can never be apart. 

"Fuck," Luke whimpers, setting shaking fingers against his chest, rocking a little bit just to feel the delicious drag of Ashton's cock inside of him. There's a pink blush high on his cheeks, his skin shiny with sweat and his chest heaving erratically. He looks like a wet dream come to life. 

He rocks again, this time raising himself up enough to slowly sink back down, getting a feel for how to move and what feels good. Ashton slides his hands up Luke's ribcage, holding onto him and grounding him to the present. 

"You're gorgeous," he murmurs, dragging Luke down to kiss him again, too caught up in the taste of Luke's lips that he almost forgets what they're doing. But then Luke rocks again, bolder this time, and his brain whites out. There is no comparison to this, especially when Luke pulls away and grins down at him, giving him the dirtiest wink before he really starts to _move_ , chasing the pleasure. For a second all Ashton can do is take it, let Luke use his body for his own pleasure, and it's that thought that drags a deep groan from his throat. He doesn't miss how Luke clenches down around him at the sound. 

Somehow, he pulls himself back together, gripping Luke's thighs hard enough that he thinks— _hopes_ —they'll bruise, leave behind marks in the shape of his fingerprints that'll prove he's the one doing this, he's the one making Luke feel good. His hips punch up once Luke starts grinding down, and it's enough to make Luke stutter out a moan and lose his rhythm, and from that moment it's game on. 

Ashton thrusts up into Luke as well as he can, watching Luke do his best to keep up and still push back against it, and there's something almost sweet about how eager Luke is. He's still so gorgeous, still so pure, and Ashton can't help how much he wants to completely wreck him. 

His stomach is almost embarrassingly tight, already so close to his orgasm and he never wants it to end. The pace is fast and dirty and delicious and Luke won't stop clenching around him and this is going to be over so quickly, but he can't find it in himself to care. Especially when Luke blinks open his eyes and looks down at him and whines, "Close." 

Ashton redoubles his efforts, pulling Luke down against his chest and pumping his hips up mercilessly. The angle is perfect, Luke slick and tight around him and his cock hitting Luke's prostate every time. Luke's whines turn into sobs of pleasure against his collarbone, his hands clenching the sheets on either side of Ashton's head, his cock dragging into between their stomachs. 

"Come for me, baby," Ashton grits out, turning his head to mouth at Luke's cheek, his hands gripping Luke's ass. "C'mon, I wanna see you come, please." 

Luke's moan goes high-pitched, his hips stuttering one two three times before he goes still, clenching down around the cock inside of him. He comes almost completely untouched, spilling out over Ashton's stomach in a way that should feel gross but just adds to his arousal. He can't help the way his hips pump up again, impossibly deep, his vision whiting out as his orgasm crashes over him. 

They lay still for a while, panting into the other's skin, trying to calm down. Ashton turns his head into Luke's hair, breathing in the scent of his boy. He knows they should take a shower, or in Luke's case shower again, and then pack for their early flight, but he can't quite make himself get up. It's blissfully warm and safe trapped under Luke's body, and there's nothing he wants more than to stay here all day. At least here he knows nothing bad will happen.

Luke shifts, carefully listening himself off of Ashton and collapsing onto the bed beside him. His hair sticks to his forehead and his cheeks are bright red, but the grin on his mouth is brighter than the sun. "That was great," he breathes, his nose scrunching up when he giggles. He shifts, making a noise at the soreness he has to be feeling. Ashton can't tell if it's a noise of discontent or pleasure. "We should clean up, though. Care to join me in a shower?" 

He doesn't give Ashton a chance to respond, bouncing off the bed and walking straight for the bathroom, looking back and giving Ashton a lewd wink. Ashton can't get the condom off quick enough, tearing after Luke with little thought to his phone still sitting on the nightstand, or the new text displayed on its screen.

***

Ashton leans back against the familiar couch in their living room back in Vegas, reveling in the quiet tranquility of the apartment. As much as he loves and had missed his family, their hustle and bustle had worn him out after so long without it.

He misses them already, so fiercely it almost makes him sick. Their goodbyes had been a quiet affair, done mostly in the privacy of their own home before Anne had dropped Ashton and Luke off at the airport. 

He's exhausted now, the long flight draining him to the point he can barely keep his eyes open. He doesn't really want to sleep though, wants to curl up with Luke and just _be_ , so when Luke steps into the room he turns his head, about to ask for some cuddles. But Luke's face is angry, his eyes blazing, and in his hands he clutches Ashton's phone. 

"What is this?" he asks sharply. Ashton stares at him, his exhaustion making him a little bit dumb.

"My phone?" he says as carefully as possible, sitting up so he can pay attention more. 

Luke snorts. It's an ugly sound, something Ashton's never heard from him before. The unnaturalness of it sends shivers down Ashton's spine. "I understand that. I'm talking about these texts." Ice shoots through Ashton's veins, his stomach dropping, but Luke just barrels on, reading from the phone now. "'You can't run from me. This isn't over'? 'I won't stop'? When the hell were you going to mention this?" 

All of Ashton's exhaustion disappears in an instant. "Luke, listen—" He tries to get up, but Like just talks over him. 

"The first text is from when we were in Australia," he hisses. "You didn't think it might be important to say something about this? To me? To Calum or Michael? To your _mother_?" 

Once again, Ashton tries to explain, but Luke barrels on, getting more and more heated with every word. "You didn't even block his number! He could be watching you right now and you didn't even think to block his number, the one think he could _track you with_?" 

"He's probably watching me regardless," Ashton mumbles without thinking, and it's the wrong thing to say, because Luke's lip curls and his fists clench into tight fists. 

"And that makes this okay?" he thunders, raising up to his full height. In his anger he seems several feet taller. "You think that because he's already stalking you— _stalking_ you, Ashton, fucking _stalking you!_ —that it's okay not to report this? These are threats! These are blatant threats against you! He's going to hurt you and you don't even care!" 

"Because it's not me I care about!" Ashton cries back, desperately. His own anger is rising and he knows the two of them may explode on each other but he needs Luke to understand. "He could hurt you! This man is dangerous and he could hurt you just to try and hurt me. I'm trying to protect you!" 

"Protect me?" Luke's eyes are wide, incredulous. " _Protect me?_ Your idea of protecting me is to willingly put yourself in danger? What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

Ashton's temper rises, and he stands up, getting almost nose to nose with Luke. "Excuse me for trying to look out for you!" he snarls, crossing his arms over his chest. "Excuse me for trying to keep you safe!" 

Luke throws his hands in the air. "Oh my god, Ashton, are you even listening to yourself? This man assaulted you! This man fucking crushed you and fucked you up and you're putting yourself back in the path of danger! You aren't thinking at all and I never thought I'd live to see the day where you made a stupid decision but I guess I did." 

That's it. Those are the words that break it all. Those are the words that make Ashton's fists clench and his eyes narrow. "Stupid, huh?" His voice is low, cutting, and he sees Luke flinch but he doesn't stop. "Well, if I'm so stupid, maybe you should explain to me what I should be doing, since you're obviously so much smarter than me." 

Hurt flashes across Luke's face before he steels his expression and tilts his chin up defiantly. "You should have told me. You should have gotten the police involved. You should've actually thought for one second that maybe your life means something and that I need you. God, I can't believe this. You really need me to make sure your head's on straight, huh?" 

Ashton's blood boils, his anger making his vision blur a little. The words on the tip of his tongue have the potential to ruin everything, but he can't stop them. They physically burn, hurt even him, and he can't imagine how they'll make Luke feel. "Need you? I was fine on my own and you know it. I don't need you anymore than I need a fucking hole in my head." 

It's a lie, it's a horrible lie, and deep down he knows Luke knows it's a lie, but Luke rears back as if he's been struck, his beautiful eyes wide with tears. He stumbles back a little bit, dropping Ashton's phone onto the counter. 

Ashton blanches, his anger fading away as quickly as it came. He reaches out, wishes he could physically pull every word back, wishes he never said any of it. "Luke," he says, desperately, hopefully. 

Luke nods once, stumbling over to grab his jacket, shouldering it on. "If that's how you feel," he says tightly, "then I'll get out of your hair. Stay with Calum and Michael for a while." 

"No, Luke, please—" Ashton tries to stop him, but Luke shakes his head, tears beginning to track down his cheeks. He grabs his keys and doesn't hesitate when he leaves. Ashton's hand can't grab him in time. 

The door slams shut behind him with an echoing thud.

***

The car is silent, save only for the rubble under its tires and his breathing. His hands grip the wheel tightly, his hood brushing his cheeks from where it's wrapped around his head. In his pocket, his phone sits heavily.

He pulls into the lot of the warehouse quietly. No one is waiting for him the way he thought they'd be, but he still doesn't trust it. When he kills the engine he doesn't immediately get out. He simply sits in the car, staring into the warehouse for several moments before he slowly pulls his phone out. 

He pulls up Luke's contact, staring at the numerous texts he's sent in the past two days, all of which have gone unanswered. Their fight hangs like a physical weight on his shoulders, crushing his lungs and settling around him. He knows he's in the wrong, Luke was looking out for him, and he knows he needs to give the younger man some space, but it hurts. Calum and Michael aren't speaking to him, and both Ashley and Serenity have called him to give him some scathing remarks. Hell, even Kara is pissed at him. He's tried to apologize, but Luke just reads the texts and doesn't respond. He hasn't been home since the fight.

Still, Ashton methodically types out a message. He doesn't know if Luke will understand it, or if he will do anything about it, but he can't live with himself knowing he didn't send any final words. 

**_I'm sorry. I love you. But I have to do this._ **

He sends his location with it as well, watching as it delivers seconds later. It sits like that for a few moments, before he turns his phone off and lays it on the passenger seat. He won't need it.

He feels disconnected from his body. He almost doesn't realize he's getting out of the car until his feet touch the asphalt and the shock of the cool air hits his system. His legs walk towards the warehouse on their own, drawing him closer and closer towards something he should be running away from. Maybe this is why Luke called him stupid. 

There's a figure waiting for him in the middle of the empty room, and even standing with its back to him the figure is familiar. After all, how could he forget those curls? Or that build? It's burned into his memory the same way his own name is. 

The figure turns its head when it hears him come in, a smirk dancing on its half-hidden face. It finally turns all the way around, revealing a face that's haunted his nightmares for years now. "Ashton," it says, the sound of his name in its mouth sending shivers down his spine. 

Ashton slowly pulls his hood down, taking a deep breath. Carefully, as neutrally as he can, he speaks. 

"Hello, Damien."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on [tumblr](http://lucashemwow.tumblr.com)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/why-are-you-my-clarity) | ashton's playlist | [luke's playlist](http://8tracks.com/lucashemwow/luke-s-playlist-d)
> 
>  **POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS:** reference to past abuse, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, explicit talk of murder and kidnapping, hella angst
> 
> (this may not be plausible or believable, but i wanted to go out with a bang tbh. so this happened)
> 
>  _reminder_ : please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or circumstance
> 
>  **IMPORTANT:** alright, here’s the dealio. last chapter i mentioned how i wasn’t sure if this fic would be the last 5sos i will ever write. now i am sure. this WILL be the last one. sorry if that upsets anyone, i’ve just lost all of my passion for 5sos writing. i still love their music and will continue to be fans, but i haven’t read any 5sos stuff in a long time. after i finish this fic (because i promise i will), i’m moving on to a different pseud with different fics, so you will still see me writing just not for this fandom. i’m currently working on a check, please! fic so if you’re into that be on the lookout. i love you all and thank you so much for sticking w this story!!! only two or three chapters left :’)

Damien smiles, a cold calculating grin that stretches his face too far to be pleasant. His eyes are hard and mean and Ashton can't see what he's holding in his hand. "It's so nice to see you," he drawls, voice as slow as syrup, and Ashton has to physically restrain the shudder that wants to draw itself down his spine. 

He determinedly doesn't show how terrified he really is, tilting his chin up in a show of bravery reminiscent of Luke's during their fight. His hand curls into a fist around the metal in his pocket. "Wish I could say the same," he says, sharply, feeling his face twist with ugly hatred, "but unfortunately that feeling is not reciprocated." 

Damien tuts, walking forward casually, as if he has all the time in the world. "Is that any way to treat your ex?" He pouts. "And here I thought we were the best of friends." 

Ashton can't help the snort that escapes him. It hurts his throat but the satisfaction of watching Damien's jaw clench in anger outweighs it. "'Best of friends'?" Ashton repeats, shaking his head with a bitter laugh. "'Best of friends' don't sexually assault their friend. 'Best of friends' don't stalk their friend. 'Best of friends' don't fucking ruin their friend's life." 

Damien's eyes blaze, his quick temper already getting the best of him. The thing in his hand catches the light, and Ashton fights hard to keep still when he realizes it's a knife. He shouldn't be surprised, considering he did come here with the knowledge there was a chance he wouldn't walk away, but thinking that and knowing that are two very different things. He spares a fleeting thought for Luke, still angry but still so in love with Ashton that Ashton's death—or even him just getting mildly hurt—would crush him. 

"You little brat," Damien hisses, glaring at Ashton with so much hatred it almost hurts. "You don't get to speak to me like that. I swear I will kill you." 

All at once, Ashton feels a sense of calm. As much as he hopes Luke will understand his message, as much as he desperately hoped his plan will work, he knows that this could be it. He could really die right here right now, at the hands of the man who ruined his life so mercilessly. The last words he spoke to Luke could be words of malice and there's nothing he can do to stop it. 

A small part of him, a part he hasn't listened to in a very long time, doesn't want to stop it. 

He squares his jaw, staring Damien in the eyes. "I know you will," he says slowly, making sure Damien understands each word. "I know you. Even if I wish I didn't. And I know what you're going to do." 

Damien arches an eyebrow, stepping within touching distance. The knife in his hand catches the light again. It’s a beautiful knife, elegant and curved in a way Ashton knows it wasn’t meant for this. “What am I going to do then, Ashy? What am I going to do to you?”

Ashton determinedly doesn’t look away from Damien’s eyes, determinedly keeps his face as blank as possible. “You’re going to ruin me,” he says matter-of-factly, hoping his voice is loud enough to drown the click in his pocket. “You’re going to kill me for rejecting you and getting you in trouble and you won’t give a damn about it.”

Damien looks stunned for a split second, before a cold smile spreads across his lips, his hands coming up to slowly clap. The knife dangles from his fingers in a teasing way. “Well done, Ashton,” he mocks, stepping even closer, until they’re nose to nose. Ashton swallows roughly. “You’re smarter than you look, truly. When’d you figure it out, hmm? When I started stalking you? When I got your number? When I found your boy?”

Ashton’s blood heats up, anger slipping through his careful mask. “You haven’t touched him,” he snaps, glaring at Damien. “I know you haven’t. You’ve been too busy hunting me.” 

Damien tilts his head, staring into Ashton’s eyes so intensely it’s like he’s looking into Ashton’s soul. “How do you know I haven’t already disposed of him?” he whispers, each word cold and calculating. “He hasn’t been responding to you, has he? What if it’s because he’s dead?” 

A brief flash of doubt wriggles its way into Ashton’s head, setting everything he’d been thinking ablaze. What if Luke is hurt? What if Damien’s right and there’s nothing left of him?

Ashton forces himself to clamp down on that thought. There’s no way Luke is anything but perfectly fine. He made sure of it when he left. Besides, he knows he wouldn’t be left in the dark if something were to happen to him. Calum and Michael may be mad at him but they aren’t that mad. Not enough to make him suffer that way. Damien is only bluffing, using a silver tongue and carefully crafted lies to feed on the fears that already live in Ashton’s heart. He’s always been cunning that way; what reason is there to believe he’d stop it now?

For once in his life, Ashton thinks about it and takes a careful step back, mindful of the way the knife flashes when he moves. He looks at Damien with pity, only barely keeping the condescending tone from his voice. “Why are you doing this?” he asks boldly. “This isn’t you, Damien.” 

Damien snarls, his own mask of cocky calm shattering to reveal the rabid animal underneath. “You act like you know me so well,” he growls, taking a step forward. Ashton’s body reacts on instinct, moving backwards, but Damien’s advances are too fast and too soon Ashton feels his back hit the wall. Damien doesn’t stop, moving until they are pressed chest to chest, the knife a barely there pressure against Ashton’s throat. This close, Damien’s eyes are wild, unhinged enough for Ashton to believe that he truly is an animal. “You don’t know me,” he says so quietly Ashton almost can’t hear him. “You never did.”

Ashton swallows, the knife pressing slightly deeper. It hasn’t drawn blood yet. “I know you aren’t the violent person you want me to think you are,” he chokes out. “You did some fucked up things and you are a fucked up person but that’s it. You’re insane, not a murderer.” He stops, some unknown courage prompting him to say, “This can’t be all because of me.”

Damien barks a laugh, so hysterical and high-pitched it hurts. “You’re right,” he grins, sharp and cold and calculating. “It’s not. Why would I spend so much time on a worthless piece of shit like you?” He leans forward, and with the added weight the knife digs into Ashton’s skin. He can’t hold in his gasp at the stinging pain as the blood slowly rolls down into the neckline of his shirt. “You’re not the first person that rejected me, Ashton. You’re just the first person that I left alive.”

The shock of those words don’t sink in right away, but when they do they steal the breath right from Ashton’s lungs and it’s all he can do to stutter out a feeble, “W-What?”

Damien’s mask is back, an eerie calm settling over his features, and Ashton realizes with sick horror that Damien doesn’t care about whatever crimes he’s committed. He doesn’t care about any of what he’s done. “Two others,” he says casually, as easily as if they were shooting the breeze like buddies do. “One girl and one boy. It was so easy to dispose of them.” He leans forward, his weight pushing the knife in a tiny bit deeper. Ashton whimpers. “I was going to do the same to you, and then you moved. When I finally caught up to you again, you were so broken I didn’t even need to kill you.” He smirks, reaching up one hand to slide his fingers into Ashton’s hair. Ashton can’t stop the shiver of disgust that rolls down his spine. “It was so much more fun to watch you suffer.” 

“You’re bluffing,” Ashton protests, leaning away as far as he can. “This is—you’re _lying_.”

Damien grins. “Don’t you think you’d know if I was lying?” More of his weight pressed into Ashton, forcing the knife a bit deeper, and Ashton feels a sense of helplessness so acute that he’s stunned still for a second.

Ashton closes his eyes, forcing himself to look away from Damien. He doesn’t want to be looking when he dies, doesn’t want to have to watch it happen. Tears prick behind his eyelids, because he’ll never get to hold Luke again. He’ll never get to kiss him or hear his laugh ever again. The tears slide down his cheeks and he makes no move to wipe them away, knowing that it’s no use. 

Damien leans forward just a little bit more, his breath fanning over Ashton’s skin, and yanks Ashton’s shirt to the side, exposing his shoulder. The knife dips down, blessedly away from his throat, to dig into the skin there. Ashton can’t hold back his help of pain. 

“I wonder who will find you,” Damien says quietly, sounding almost reverent as he watches the blood bead down Ashton’s skin. “How will your family react, hmm?” 

“You’re toying with me,” Ashton gasps, trying to tilt his head back as much as possible. The cut on his throat stings as it stretches, but he can’t feel much else besides the fear. “You’re just, you’re just trying to scare me.” 

Damien shrugs, slowly dragging the knife along Ashton’s collar bone. None of the wounds are life-threateningly deep but they sting something awful, making Ashton’s head swim. “I am,” he admits. “Mother always did say not to play with your food, though, didn’t she?” His smirk changes into something more predatory. “But those other two? The best games I’ve ever played.”

Ashton can’t even react before Damien’s mouth presses to his jaw, the hand not holding the knife going to close around his throat. Disgust boils deep in his veins and he thrashes, trying to shove Damien off of him, but in his weakened state he can’t do much more than shift Damien’s weight off of him a little bit. Damien snarls, the hand around his throat pressing hard enough that black spots dance in his vision. He gasps, his hand going up to claw at Damien’s weakly, and Damien laughs, staring at him with cold eyes. Ashton’s thoughts are panicked, and just as he’s thinking _this is it, the plan didn’t work, I’m going to die—_

A voice rings out in the silence, curt and commanding. “Damien, drop the knife.” 

Damien goes still, pure anger crossing over his features. He stares at Ashton, and for a second Ashton thinks he will die regardless, but then Damien slowly steps back, his hand loosening around Ashton’s throat. The second the knife hits the ground the officers are on him, cuffing his hands behind his back and taking him to the ground. Throughout the entire thing, his eyes don’t leave Ashton’s. Ashton can’t look away, too scared and weak to do anything except sag against the wall, but then another officer is coaxing him to his feet and slowly guiding him out of the building. He doesn’t look back, though he can feel Damien’s eyes burning holes in his skin. 

Outside is a mess of police cars, their flashing red and blue lights hurting his eyes. Officers mill around, a few more entering the building behind Ashton. He spares a quick thought as to how they got here and why there are so many, but then he hears his name being shouted and turns his head just in time to catch sight of Luke before he barrels into Ashton’s arms. 

Ashton feels like his limbs are made of lead, but he summons the strength to wrap them around Luke’s shoulders, turning his nose into Luke’s hair. The familiar scent of his boy’s skin makes tears prick under his closed eyes, and the reality of what just happens hits him. He almost died, almost lost his life without holding Luke one more time, and it’s that thought that breaks the dam; he can’t hold in his sobs anymore. They’re loud and gut-wrenching, and it hurts from somewhere deep in his chest, and he feels how Luke pulls him closer in response. Through his blurry eyesight he catches sight of Michael and Calum behind Luke, their own faces streaked with tears and worry. Ashton just turns his face into Luke’s neck and holds on tighter. 

Luke kisses any part of him that he can, seemingly not caring about the blood that stains his skin and his clothes. His grip is almost bruising in its strength, and Ashton can just barely hear him whispering reassuring words in his ear. He sounds angry, and relieved, and so incredibly terrified that it triggers another round of tears. This time Luke just lets him cry until he’s weaker than he was, sagging exhausted against his chest. That’s when Luke gently coaxes him over to the ambulance, keeping a steady hand on his waist at all times. 

Sitting on the lip of the ambulance is someone Ashton never thought he’d see in this kind of situation: Kara, next to a beautiful woman who’s wearing a police uniform and holding a gun. Somehow, Ashton still feels safe, enough that he doesn’t protest when both Kara and the woman envelope him in a hug. 

“What are you doing here?” Ashton croaks, and god his throat hurts so bad. Kara shushes him, gently bundling him into the back of the ambulance, sitting beside him as the paramedic gets to work cleaning the cuts on his throat, shoulder, and collarbone. Kara’s presence, and the feeling of Luke’s hand still in his, is enough to keep him from flinching at the pain. 

“Luke called me after he got your text,” Kara says softly, putting a hand on Ashton’s knee. “He was freaking out and asking if I’d seen you, and when he explained what was going on I realized you were in a lot more trouble than I’d ever thought. I told my sister about what you’d been through and about where you were and she pulled this together.” She squeezes Ashton’s knee. “I’m here for _you._ ” 

“Your sister?” Ashton echoes, closing his eyes against the sting of the alcohol in the cuts. He doesn’t flinch when the paramedic swiftly stitches up his throat, just squeezes tight around Luke’s hand. 

When he opens his eyes again, the beautiful woman from before is standing at Kara’s shoulder, smiling at him gently. “Hello, Ashton,” she says, her voice warm and kind. “I’m Kimber, Kara’s sister and the chief of police. It’s nice to meet you.” 

Ashton blinks at her, dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. He barely registers the paramedic covering his wounds in gauze, or the blanket wrapped around his shaking shoulders. “You—you’re—“ He turns to Kara. “You never mentioned that.” 

Kara laughs, squeezing his knee again. He’s certain she’s making sure he’s okay and really, physically safe. “It never seemed important.” She sobers quickly, glancing at first her sister and then Luke before she says, “Once I told her what kind of danger you were in, she pulled all her best guys and came straight to the address you’d sent Luke. We got here as quickly as possible.” 

“The man who hurt you, Damien Luna, is wanted in Australia as a suspect and an accomplice for at least two counts of rape and murder,” Kimber tells him, her face both stern and loving at the same time. “I only found out a few weeks ago, when the officials in Australia caught wind that he was here.” She must see the expression on Ashton’s face, because she quickly amends, “We don’t think he’s the one that killed anybody. We believe he’s the accomplice that helped dispose of the bodies and kidnap the victims.” 

Ashton nods tiredly, leaning against Luke’s shoulder. It makes sense. Damien isn’t organized to kill anyone and get away with it. Even in the warehouse, the contradictions in his personality and his goading of Ashton prove he’s not the killer he wanted Ashton to believe he was. 

Slowly, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out the tape recorder he’d put in there before going into the warehouse. He hands it to Kimber, ignoring the way Luke gasps in surprise. 

Kimber looks surprised as well, taking the tape from him gingerly. “How’d you think to do this?” she asks him seriously. 

Ashton glances at Luke, almost drowning in how blue his eyes look. His vision swims for a quick second. “I, I wanted him to go away,” he explains shakily, ducking his head. “I wanted him to finally go to jail, but I needed evidence. It’s not enough for me to say that he forced himself on me.” He hesitates, glancing at Luke again, before he says, “I was going to show the police the texts. And record him saying what he’d done to me. And he admits to—“ He stops, can’t make himself say it. “Admits to more.” 

Kimber looks at him with respect blazing in her eyes. “Thank you,” she says, reaching out to clasp his shoulder in a tight grip. “You’ve so much more than you will ever know.” 

With a nod and a smile, she turns around and walks to a group of police officers gathered around the entrance of the warehouse. Ashton can’t help but stare after her, thinking of how different she was to the scared woman Kara had described to him once. 

“She became a police officer to help people,” Kara tells him quietly, almost as if she’s reading his thoughts. “After her abuse, she didn’t want to feel helpless anymore. She still struggled, I told you about how she did, but she wanted to do more than just give up and let what he’d done to her fuck her up. She wanted to help people like her.” Kara swallows. “People like you.” 

Ashton flips his hand over, letting her entwine their fingers together. “Thank you,” he says seriously. “For today, and for everything. Thank you for taking care of me.” 

Kara cuddles in closer to him. “Anytime,” she says quietly, leaning on Ashton’s good shoulder for a second. “Absolutely anytime.”

Kara doesn’t give him the chance to say anything, just squeezes his knee one more time and stands up, giving both Luke and Ashton sad smiles and gently kissing Ashton’s cheek before she walks in the direction her sister went. 

It’s silent for several long minutes after she leaves, Ashton’s shoulders still trembling violently and Luke’s hands still soft around his waist. Luke has his face pressed into Ashton’s neck, and his breath is warm on Ashton’s skin. He feels like it should make him crawl, the feeling of someone touching him after Damien did, and there’s panic looming at the edge of his mind and he can still feel Damien’s lips against his jaw, but Luke’s touch has never meant anything other than safety. It’s a comforting anchor instead of a deadweight and he can’t help leaning into it, turning and almost falling into Luke’s chest. Luke makes a noise but wraps him up in a hug anyways and that’s when Ashton loses it again. 

The sobs are ugly and hurt his chest, and the feeling in the wound tearing through his throat is odd. It’s a twinging ache that feels akin to tugging on a bruise with a fishhook and it would be fascinating if it didn’t hurt so much. The pain is slowly leeching back onto his consciousness, the shock wearing off enough that he can feel human again. He almost wishes for the terrifying numbness back, but he knows that if he falls into that again he likely won’t come back out, so he curls himself as close to Luke as he can. Luke refuses to let go of him, kissing the top of his head over and over again, murmuring comforting words in his ears. 

Eventually, Ashton cries himself out, sagging limp and completely exhausted against Luke’s chest. Luke kisses his forehead again, stroking sure and steady over Ashton’s back. It’s silent for several long minutes before Luke mumbles, “This was your plan all along?” 

It feels so good to hear his voice again, even if it’s rough and sad and filled with tears. Ashton turns his head to meet Luke’s eyes and finds Luke already looking back, his face filled with an impossible combination of realization and hurt. Ashton slowly nods, pulling back a little so that he can grab Luke’s hands. 

“I needed to make sure he’d never have the chance to hurt you,” Ashton explains quietly, bringing Luke’s hand up so that he can kiss the inside of his wrist. “I needed to be sure that they’d put him away for good.” 

Luke swallows. “But _you_ got hurt.” His fingers tremble in the air next to Ashton’s throat and shoulder. His eyes are dark. “And I, I can’t even _imagine_ what he did—“

Ashton barely keeps in his flinch, closing his eyes and breathing through his nose. Later, when both of them have calmed down, they’ll talk about it. Ashton probably will need therapy. The thought doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. “I didn’t plan on what happened in there but I’d do it again.” He opens his eyes, looking at how Luke looks almost devastated in the wake of his confession. “I’d do anything for you.” 

“Ash—“

“I mean it, Luke. I’d do anything for you.” He swallows. “That’s why I had to put Damien away. You hold my heart, pretty boy. Every inch of it.”

Luke is silent for several long moments, before he whispers, “I’d burn this world to the ground if it would make you happy,” his voice and face completely and deadly serious. “So we’re on the same page there. Please, god Ash, _please_ no more secrets. Nothing else. I’m not letting anything take you away from me ever again.” 

Ashton’s lips curl into the ghost of a smile, his fingers slipping into Luke’s hair and cradling the back of his head. Just before their lips meet, Ashton makes a vow to him. “No more secrets. Just you and me, pretty boy.”

The kiss is soft and gentle, all the love that Ashton has become accustomed to pouring into it. It doesn’t go far, likely won’t for a while to come, but it’s enough. It will always be enough. Luke will always be enough.

Above their heads, the sky slowly lightens as the sun breaks over the mountains. Damien is being taken away in a police car, Luke is back in his arms, and they’re both completely safe for the first time in years. 

Despite everything that has happened tonight, there’s a lightness in Ashton’s chest, and he smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come be my friend on tumblr


End file.
